A Reason

Everyone will have a reason for living. I know that this is a cause that we are fighting for every single day. Getting in and out of the hospital for me is like a daily thing I gotta face. Does it worth for me to living a half like this? Definitely I will say Yes! The reason is simple. I love life. Its a cause that worth me fighting for every breathe I live.

I wake up everyday next to an angel. Its beyond words I can describe. Every morning, all the great love I receive from all. Making sure I look at the mirror and say, "Good morning Eric, I love you!" I am going through this every day. I find that when I was fighting the dark side of myself, I would rather accept and find peace with him. I cried during that talk with Nell. I don't know why, I just felt like I was sorry to myself. I hated myself. I hated myself for how I look. I hated myself for not getting well. I hated and kept hated till all that I felt that point was just rage and wanted to hurt the world so bad cause it is all that I have in me.

But now, I am trying to accept myself day by day. Knowing everything will be fine. It is okay to be not okay. I am who I am. I was striving to be perfect but I neglected the fact no one will be. The more I try the less it works. I pushed myself over the edge.

It was really an eventful few days for me since I got back to KL. Someone I love is extremely sick. And another one went missing out of no where. But I know one is in good hands of the family member. Another one was just too tired and sleep too much! By the way, I forget to put this down. I am out of a phone to use at the moment. Don't ask me why. It is just too much for me to handle at the moment. I decided to pack up and heading to my own home. I just won't take in any more nonsense with what a "used to be friend" put me in. I think I had enough and I will just not tolerant any further. Too many of my vintage item gone missing and I think enough is enough. I am now in a position that I couldn't and I won't take any more reason from anything. I have to live my life on my own accord.

With all these nonsense that is going on, I really felt so bad for many around me. Thank you for tolerant my crazy. You guys are just awesome. And specially to you Mr D. I won't realize how important life could be if you weren't here. I know I had neglected what we had these few weeks. But deep down, I want you to know I still care and I still love you. I know you are really sick at this very moment. Please rest. If you needed anything, please reach out. I really hope you would even you might not. I will be there till the very end with you that is my promise. Be strong. And without you in my life, I will never know how to live it right. I really hope you will get well soon. My prayers are with you always.

I still remember some passerby in my life. He once told me this.

Just a little change a day. Everyday just one little small change. And everything will be right. 

I am taking everything now and I will not fight with myself any more. I will accept myself. For just a reason to live. I will love every part of me even those I hated. I know with all the support and love, I will manage.