Courage To Love

Finally opening up today. I was with my bestie Byron tonight at a kids playground lying on the slide talking about crap. It wasn't about the conversation but the understanding of both and company. Somehow I guess I lost the courage of being able to love. Before we left home, we talked about the culture and being in love. Somehow he did got a point. In many ways, culture plays a big part in life. I was questioning about is true love still there? 


To my own view till this very day, love has no boundaries. Love has no price tag. Love is an experience you choose to share life with. No matter in sickness or poverty. Love is mutual. Just being there knowing what the person you love is going through and trying to understand and being there for him/her. But on the contrary in many ways, many in the culture we are living today, even many may disagree but the facts shown that what love is to these society now a days are  what can you provide. No hard work, just to enjoy as it is. 


But this is not what this post is to be. We shall talk about it in another post I promise that. But the real fact was how many there still believe in love? Yes, many does. But in a sense of a fairy tale. Not many has the courage to face the truth and follow what their heart tells them. I am one of them. Honestly, I thought of loving you was the most beautiful thing that happen to me. And all the hardship doesn't really matter. I was trying to put behind the mentality of I am not good enough and things like you would never fall in love with a person like me. 


I guess in many ways that my insecurities are always the problems with me. But not denying the fact over the years I did acknowledge and trying to change the fact and make it better day by day. But come to this very day the fact of me telling you in the face "I Love You" has never surface. Why? Cause I do not have the courage to. And I am afraid that I might somehow lose you. In many ways that life has been treating, losing you is inevitable. But the fear of not being by your side at times you needed most is even more fearful. I will not deny I will never understand the pain and hardship you are going through in life. The fact is I know you have so much to deal with in life to the extend I am so afraid I will be another level of stress in your life. I am afraid everyday not able to listen to your voice, see your smile, or even reading your tweets. Whenever you go quiet I am having possible nonsense ideas what may have happen. 


I know you celebrate life as much as I do. I know you will be fighting till the end. But the fear in me always stops me from deciding which step to take. I guess that the possible frustration I was having in these past few weeks was because I hate the fact I lost faith in myself being able to love you the way I use to. You were strong when I was weak. And we tend to have fir in the places where we were missing. But I still dare not step in to the idea will I ever fit into you life. I fear that in ways, you would think the the best for you is not having anything because of how life treated you. No matter how hard I wanted you to know that you deserve every bit of life but I know I am not qualify to say anything as I don't think I am deserving anything at all. 


As the silent love stays on and somehow I do think you know how I felt and somehow I just kinda blocked the idea about what you think or feel. I guess that the fear has already blown the fact the courage to love you had blown into pieces. Yes, I am a coward in love. But somehow I just know if any decision taken will either destroy what we had or just fucked up everything we have. When thinking back to the point the first time we met, all of us are wearing that mask. Till when we drop it and loving each other the way we were. And the ups and down we have gone through. Many may think what we have in between is strong enough but the fact was our insecurities are our biggest enemy. We both will never step out from that zone accepting the fact and spending the affectionate we share. I still remember the time when we first touched and I kissed your neck. Somehow it wasn't love at that point but we shared that moment. I guess not to you but I remember every single detail of it. It was the first time the emotions of feeling safe and being able to trust again. 


Loving you is an exceptional experience for me. Out of my surprise to be honest. Many decision I take was the reason for you which I never spoke about. I am not complaining at all but I know the love we shared was more than sexual and desire attractions. To me the least I know. When did I realize I fell in love with you? I don't know. Somehow it was a mutual feeling we shared together. 


For a closing this is the very first time writing post that I don't know how. What I could conclude here is just love has its own way to make our heart beats. I know where I beat and who it beats for. As of who am I talking about, guess time will revealed. Love the two person share are just as personal it is in my view. What other feels doesn't really matters to me. What we have is what matters to us. At this point, my view to the journey to take in front is again being blurred. Not because of loving you. But just because my heart wanted me just to be by your side and keep loving you the way I did. And the mind is telling me that I have given enough trouble in your life. 


Whenever it comes to the war of my heart and mind, this will just linger on till the time comes to show who are the clear winners of the answer lies. Till then, the decision that I wanted to take now is just a mere word. Sinking myself tonight with Adam Lambert's "Dreamer". Good night everyone~