Helpless

When part of you having that fact of being helpless and there is like no choice at all. Sometimes it does get to me why am I still doing this after years and years? When will I actually accept the fact I am not gonna recover at all? I guess I have to accept that fact the body and the mind are two entity that do not connect. Do I still feel hurt? No. Because somehow this is my fight alone. As always it has been. I somehow do tell myself that it is okay Ricky. Things gonna be better. Things gonna be fine. But would it really be?

I do not know honestly. Somehow at this point many would say it is time to reach out and let go of the burden for help. But I just felt all the guilt building inside. Why am I feeling so? I do not know. Somehow whenever things seems right it will just go wrong. I know somehow the mind will have to be stronger to fight this fight. I know it will come down just to me myself and I. But somehow it seems so hopeless and helpless.

With the musical at the moment I am dealing. It is all my passion that keeps me going. I am empowering every single bit of me to be at my very best. But I still let down the person I look up to. I guess I kinda hurt her in a way. When I read her reply. I do not know why I just shattered into pieces. I felt I let her down so much and I do not know what to do but to tell her the truth that how I am coping with myself. Every word took every tear in me. I do not know how. I felt she was so stressed and down. I was just unable to lift her up. Telling her what I was hiding for weeks just like tore me apart with chains. I just am as helpless to feel her being helpless.

And as of now, I just do not know what to do. Still looking on my phone waiting for her reply. Ricky!!! Chins up!!! Don't stop!!! KEEP WRITING!!! YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN!!!!

The show must go on. Letting it all out here and I have to keep walking on. This is not a matter of you are down with some sickness. Believe in yourself Ricky!! Yes it is painful. But that is what been keeping me knowing everyday I am still alive. I am kinda trying too hard to lie to myself I am ok right? But yeah, I know now I am at this point. But I am going to be different the next minute. Things keep going on. And I will duel a little more and I have to move on. There are better things than being down and painful here that no one would feel and understand. I know I will be ok. I know I will be fine. Things gonna be well. Things gonna be fine. I know it will. I know it will.

The only thing knowing I am still alive is just me feeling the pain. Everything will be ok. I know it will.