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Thursday, December 23, 2010

To All Those We Miss

I woke up this morning
Your pillowcase I was holding
I was only dreaming it was you
I tried my best to let it go
Something wouldn't let me though
I might have been pretending but it's all I can do

I've tried wishing on stars
closing my eyes so hard
made deals, made vows, tried screaming out

Oh Baby come home
I can't go on without you here with me
Oh Baby come Home
the pain gets too strong without you I'm too weak
but nothing I do, Brings you back to me

It's getting harder every single day
always thinking that I see your face
I feel you near, I hear your name everywhere I go
But when I realize it's in my head
it breaks my heart once again
it takes some time before it sinks in then I lose control

So I'm done wishing on stars
closing my eyes so hard
no more deals, no more vows, I'm done screaming out

Oh Baby come home
I can't go on without you here with me
Oh Baby come Home
the pain gets too strong without you I'm too weak
but nothing I do, Brings you back

Time told me it will be alright
I'm not gonna lie, I'm losing this fight
and Time told me she'll heal all my wounds
as deep as I'm cut no I'm not healing soon

Oh Baby come home
I can't go on without you here with me
Oh Baby come Home
the pain gets too strong without you I'm too weak
but nothing I do, Brings you back to m

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's Not Christmas Without You.

The year's almost over 
It sure looks like December 
With snow and ice on the ground 

I haven't send 
A single Christmas card 
The 31st is comin' 'round 

That makes me remember 
Our last December 
How the city looked 
So beautiful in white 

As we walked the streets 
That day you kept me warm 
We couldn't wait to get inside 

I hear carolers in the distance 
Don't wanna listen 
'Cause every sound says 
You're not here 

Just in case you change your mind 
I'll leave a light over the door 
And hope you suddenly appear 

Now it's Christmas 
And you're so far away 
On this Christmas 
I just wished you had stayed 
And I wonder if you're 
Thinking of me today 

I don't know what I'll do 
It's not Christmas without you 

Thursday, September 9, 2010








Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Trapped In Time

In a world of sin and desire, I have also become your slave.
At any point, I paid a price that caused me so much of miseries.
No one to blame, no one to turn to, I take everything up as a man.
In so many other ways, the pain is really nothing compare what the heart has caused.
I am now at a point of making a change in life. I have made too many mistakes in life.
The one that I really with take to my grave is the one that I have hurt the person I love.

As of today, my parent called me up just as usual saying hi.
And suddenly, " How are things going between you two now? "

I kept silence, I was being taken by surprise. I do not know how to react to that statement.
I wish I would be able to say that things are going to be fine. But somehow, I think we know where we are heading towards. At least for me I know where my path lays.
For months now, I have been going through that feeling of emptiness, hoplessness, and sadness.
But in many ways, I know things gonna be just fine. I am and will be well.
Life may be tough but it isn't as tough as I thought it would be.

The mind comes to a point where it makes me feel that life is worth living.
At least to me it is. living in remorse, living to a future which is uncertain, living towards a hope.
This is what keeping going on. This is what I will be holding on.
All for what is within me will always stay within.
I will live my life my way. I will work through everything that I have made my mind up.
With love, faith, dreams and hope. This is my way.
The path may be very hard now, but towards where I am heading.
It is worth every bit of effort to be well in life.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Leaving Behind

Officially leaving behind room 979.
I hope this will be a new begining for me.
The question of how much I missed my baby doesn't have to be written again and again.
Life is miserably hard here now. But I am doing my best to get on my feet on it.
I never doubted the love you gave in me. I know how hard it is for you.
You always wanted me to be well and happy.
But how can I be when I know deep down how you feel.
No matter what you are trying to hide, Whatever I feel, you are feeling the same thing.
Baby, I really wish I could stand up again.
But I can't lie that I really needed much more time.
I wish we will be well again. Feeling happiness again, feeling the life, feeling the love we share.
I know I was wrong but I am changing myself.
One day.. one day..

Leaving this room somehow isn't that hard. Things in life reflects every bit.
The moment that I have been going through these few weeks.
I know I can't keep on running away from life and people who care.
God, please give me a chance. Please give me a chance to live again.
There are still so much I wanted to do. There is so much I wanted to love.
Please don't give up on me. I won't give up of myself.
because life is simply worth living every moment in life.

I really hope I will never come back to this place ever again.
I wanted to get well so bad. I just wish things will just past.
I really missing you right this moment.
I just somehow hope you would feel it.
Still loving you, Baby J~

Life is worth living. More than anything else~

Friday, August 6, 2010

Black Hole

I am trying to comprehend a lot that had happen these few weeks.
To all the readers who send me mails, I am still well here and thanks for your concern.
It really meant a lot to me with all the support given.
But in many ways, I would want everyone to know, I am not seeking at all of any attention from anyone out there.
This blog like I have mention many times, It is a place for me to throw all my emotions out here and let go of all the negative energy out of me.
But still, I am thankful of all the lovely thoughts of everyone.

I am not seeking professional help from Dr Phang, a psychiatrist in KLGH.
But all the medication doesn't seems to work on me. And with my new life all alone in KL,
I can't help the fact I am running away from reality.
Everyday when I start a day, everything seems fine. When I open my eyes, I am still not use by waking up alone in a strange environment where everything is in a mess.
But I know, I have to go on. Life ain't really good for now.
But I am seeing everything in a good way.
But somehow I am still running away from reality.
I numb myself with my daily activities. But when I am back at home at night,
There is where the black hole comes into the picture.
I felt sharp pains going through my heart, like knifes cutting through me again and again and again.
The loneliness, the emptiness, everything sucks into me.
I am really tired. But I don't know how to overcome this.

A friend somehow told me something.
Maybe you are torturing yourself in a way you hope that you can suck in the pain to lessen the pain from the person you love.
It doesn't make sense to me at first, but somehow, now, I really see what that means.
I was hoping I could take in all the pain than two people suffers.
I really do not know what else I could say anymore at this point.

I have convey my love to my baby,
I am remorsing from my mistakes,
I am changing to be a better person,
But what I can do, I realise I can't take away the pain you are going through.
Cause I know my pain is still so fresh. how can this just end everything.
Every heart beats now, It is all just pure pain.
I really wish, I really wish.
If I could, I wish to suffer for the rest of my life than you suffer.
No doubt, I love you. But I don't know you anymore.
Or I should say, you don't wanna let me know you anymore.

What you are going through deep down, I could understand.
I could feel every single thing.
But on the surface, everything seems so unreal now.
And I slap myself in a way, I am in no position to say anything anymore.
I still miss you very much. I hope I can recover. I hope I can be well and happy too.
But I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.
I am embracing my pain. I have to because, I know the answer I have in my heart,

I still love you very much Baby J~
* Squeezing Elmo in my hands *

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Living Everyday

What has been keeping me going on by far is still by your love.
I know by far,you are still having that inner pain going through you even you are a great controller of your emotions.
Baby, I really hope you are well.
Back in the hospital, I keep on making myself busy by writing.
It has been really a long time since I am able to write songs like this.
As much as I know, this is what I can do to keep myself reminded that living every moment is the way to love you.
I am not giving up.
I wrote something which really meant something.
I know it may sounded quite sad for a song.
But at least this is an honest one. While sitting in my bed last night. I wrote this and sang it myself.
I know I am not good in singing. But I just wanted to share this.
This is for my baby. I name this song "Even if it's wrong to choose"
I hope the readers would enjoy this as much as I do.
By far this is the most honest song I wrote in my 17 years of writing.
Do bear with my voice. I know I sounded very bad.
At the end, I tried my best to hold on my emotions which I really failed.
But like I say, I am myself and this song reflects part of my life.
I love you baby, as much as I needed you.
I will always be waiting for you.

As much pain as you are, I am going through with you.
Baby, no matter what it is, I will always be by your side.
Hold on there my love, when you are ready.
I just want you to know, there is someone waiting for you.
I love you, my Baby J~

If It's Wrong To Choose

I’m trying to understand, wouldn’t you won’t go,
I’m trying to figure out, how you love me so,
The one who breaks your heart,
The hands that let you go, the man you’re holding on to,
Would you’ve forgiven all.

Or maybe I should leave, would be easier,
Or find somebody to love you better.
But why I can’t let go, and a little piece of you.
The one that I fell in love with, and never will deserve.

But late at night, I watch you sleep.
Breath you in, and I see,

I need you. But I see I’m no good for you.
I need, but I just can’t do it.
So I go on, know that I’m wrong to choose.
I need you.

I keep pushing you away but it never works.
You just find a way back in, even when it hurts.
The man that I should be, and what you see in me.
But never let you end up here and set you free.

But late at night, I hold you close,
And I give in, you don’t notice,

I need you, But I see I’m no good for you.
I need, but I just can’t do it.
So I go on, know that I’m wrong to choose.

But I give you up, I let you burn,
Every time I end up on my knees,
That you know, I can’t believe,
You’re standing next to me,
And I start to pull away in your whisper,
Why can’t you see,

That I need you. I need you,
Can’t you see, I’m in love with you.
Well I need, but I just can’t do it,
So I go on, even if it’s wrong to choose.
But I need you.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Betrayal, My Broken Heart.

It's not like I don't feel love
The taste of it's warmest touch
It's not like I lose sleep
It's like I don't sleep at all

It's not like I don't hurt like you
The closer I get, I lose
It's not like you don't know love
It's like you don't know the cost

How long til my heart breaks
So much that I can take
One more day, one more hour
Of waiting on something that might never happen
How long til my tears stop
How every salted drop
Bruises the skin, I'm stuck in betrayal
Empty as I am

It's not like I don't want to hold
Every part of you whole
It's not like I can't walk up to you
It's just that I wouldn't know what to do
The smell of you runs
Right through my veins
Thoughts of you linger
How I betray
My broken heart, my stubborn fist
How did our story
End up like this?

How long til my heart breaks
So much that I can take
One more day, one more hour
Of waiting on something, that might never happen
How long til my tears stop
How every salted drop
Bruises the skin, I'm stuck in betrayal
Empty as I am

I see you there
Just out of reach
Whisper your name
Cuz if I scream
I might wake up
You might just be
Only a dream
And if you don't love me...

How long til my heart breaks
So much that I can take
One more day, one more hour
Of waiting on something that's not gonna happen
How long til my tears stop
How every salted drop
Bruises the skin, I'm stuck in betrayal
Empty as I am

Your Inner Feelings

Inside my mind
The world is watching over
My every move,
Still I am here alone.

Uncried tears
They will only fuel my fears
Now, it seems they're falling
And I feel release
An inner peace
And realize

The sun will shine again.

Though this time
Feels like its never ending
Time will help and heal,
These moments will pass.

So raise your head,
and take up your heart
Hold it closely to you
And the tears and pain
will fall away
Like blossom snow
You will know
That you can be your own best friend

The sun will shine again.

Only you can know
How unravelled you'd become
Hold on tight
And let it go

The sun will shine again.

This is what I really feel that relates to your feeling.
I dare not even think I am in your future on goings or not.
But baby, I really just wanted you to feel happiness again.
With me or without me in your life.

I miss you very much~
I love you very much~
That is all I can do for you my love~

The Sun Will Shine Again

I had a relief when I saw you saying this baby.
I really wish you would be able to stand right up again.
In many ways, I am happy that you would see life in a beautiful manner no matter what you are going through.
As of for me, I will keep on bloggin and live behind all these words for now.

I can't say I do not miss being on facebook. But this is the best option as of now for me to be when I know you won't know anything about me.
I will not let you worry anymore. I will go on with myself here facing the rainy days myself.
I know that after the rain, there will be a rainbow.

Baby, all I can do is give you words of encouragement in my text.
I know we are not able to see each other for a long time.
I think at this point in my life, I really do not wish anyone to see me in this way.
Having said that, I still miss you every moment in my life.

Somehow in my recent blog, I did not mention about anything about my mistakes.
But in every way, I regret what I have done to you. I have really myself at remorse.
Every second, I know these are the consequences that I am facing.
Maybe the love we shared are not as strong as any others you have met.
I really wish one day you would forgive me in every way. In the name of our love.

I know everything will pass. I know everything will just fade away one day.
But I know I will not stop loving you. Somehow in many ways, I can't remember the moment we fell in love.
But the whole journey was a very beautiful one.
I still remember the night we sat by the pool side and you when down on your knees to ask me to marry you.
I love you in every way you did. At that point when I have no one you were there.
I really do love you. I know your sun will shine again.
I wish I will be your sun. But I know I gave that up the moment I hurt you.

Life isn't that miserable. Life isn't painful.
Even what I have been going through so far. I will not even complaint about anything.
I take life as a journey every single human being will have to go through.
I know when I am sad or feeling emo, I will continue to blog.
Throwing out every single emotions I have on words.
And I know I will be fine.

In a way, I feel sad for a lot of people out there in this world.
So many people, keep on complaining about life.
How badly they were treated. How badly their relationship was.
How badly they had with the people they have in their lives.

But I wonder, If they were in my baby's position, or in my position,
Will they able to really go through this?
Having said that, I still see a lot of people who are living everyday,
healthily, but wanted to end their lives.
I am not talking about me here. How about those people who are already had no hope of recovery?
I see their will to live are much stronger then them.
I felt so unfair. I felt anger in me. I felt sorrow.
People who are able to live wanted to give up their lives.
When people who are facing death, fighting so hard to live.

To me, I am really blessed that I am still living at this point of life.
Somehow, like I always say. To live is a way to love you baby.
I will never give up.
Yes, facing everyday in life is really hard for me.
facing the fact that we are no longer together is hard.
But the hardest thing is facing the fact we both still love each other so much.

We both are now conflicting with each other. In many ways,
A lot of people would say since that, it is enough for us to live happily together.
But to us, it is an answer only we both know ourselves.
I would be lying if I say that I do not want you to be in my life anymore as my spouse.
But in many ways, your wellness comes before anything to my interest.
There fore, Baby, I just wanted you to be happy.

And this will be enough for me to have my sun shine on me again.
I love you no doubt. I wanted to grow old with you.
I wanted to have our life together.
But I hope you will know one thing.
No matter what you are facing in life.
You will never face it alone. Even I am so far apart with you.
I will be there always. You will see my actions in life.
Even I may lose my battle. But I will always have the best for you.
Just because I love you very much.
After the rain, There will always be a rainbow~

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


This is the first time I wanna share pictures of myself going through all this.
As far as today, I started to have inflammation on my both hands.
I really have no idea why. And from a healthy person to a person I am now.
Somehow I decided to share this as I wanted to know this is only a part of life I am going through.
When in the near future, I will look back and say, " Oh my, I was in that state."

I am thankful that I am still living up to this moment.
I really wish that things will be fine soon.
I got up my courage and text my baby today.
Even he is still cold but I know deep down in him he needed someone to bring him warmth.
This is what I can do living 684km away from him now.

Somehow I know a lot of readers so far have given me a lot of strength.
I know somehow with everything that I am going through,
I am following my heart. Listening to footprints in the sand,
I know I need to get well and I must be strong at this point when you needed someone to love.
Baby, I love you and I will be well.
I know what I did in the past was wrong. I am not asking you to forgive me or anything.
But you can't stop me from loving you. I know with everything you are facing you really needed strength.
I will be at my best not letting anything to happen to me.

And I will always be by your side my love.

The pictures below are all the inflammation I am having on both of my hands now.
And there is one more that showed how much weight I have lost and how skeleton I am now.
But I am having a lot of faith and hope. I know I will always be there for you baby~ I promise.

This is my left arm. What they told me is the medication caused reactions to my body and resulted in the inflammation.

This is my right arm.

Right arm.

This is how skinny I am now. My height is 193cm and total weight is only 66kg as of 6:30pm July 20th 2010.

Monday, July 19, 2010

From The Heart

I really do not know how long more I can handle this situation.
At the hour 3.30am sharp Malaysian Time. I am still awake.
Disturb by the intriguing pain that I am currently having.
If I am able to end this pain, would I choose to go?
I really don't know. Been days I have been having bad dreams.
But will I be somehow a person that is living at this moment?
I really do not know anything at this point.

What would I give up? If it is for a trade, what would I trade for?
My body is not doing very well. Even my will to live is much stronger than any time I use to be this weak.
I started to vomit blood. What would I do? My parents are also trying to be strong for me.
I know by the looks in their eyes. Should I just face the fact that I am losing this battle?
But what is for the best? I wanna live on. I wanna live to see my baby again.
I miss him very very much but yet how can I do so?

Ernie, my brother drove back from Penang just to be with me tonight.
He is now sleeping beside me. I am in my room now but all the memories I had here.
Me and my baby, the way we show our love to each other.
Cuddling on this bed. With everything me and my baby were.
I really can't get my head right. I really wish I can be strong as I was now.

Somehow I failed. Somehow I really regret. Living with this guilt.
With the guilt I am having, I am not in any position to get to your side.
Baby, I really wish to apologize, to seek your forgiveness.
Baby, I really love you and in many ways, I really wish our love is strong enough to get over this.
This moment in life, I wish I was Nicholas. To have that second chance, the second shot of loving you.
But the fact is I am not. Baby, I really need you now.

Back to my own health, I really wish everything is over.
I really wish that my sickness has gone away.
Bleeding starts in many ways. Which I really can't stop.
I am in many ways feeling not safe. I wanted to hide myself in you now baby.
I really can't feel safe now at this time. I dare not even sleep as I am now facing uncertainty that would I be able to wake up? I am afraid when I open my eyes everything is so different.
I am really scared. I am really lost. Where do I really go from here?
I really do not know.

But I was thinking what would I trade for if for me to stop all this pain.
I think I found my answer. My baby's dad's health. If I could, I wish I would exchange in his place.
I wish that I can give the remaining health I have to his lovely father.
I am doing this out of love. Not guilt. Even if I never hurt you before, I would do the same.
Baby, If this really happens. I really wish you would understand why I do this.
You meant more than anything else to me.

You once told me that your found our path is not palleral as you thought it would be.
But deep down, I know you know it yourself. Our path are palleral. I just somehow made a mistake in life.
And you know that I can't do anything to erase everything.
And you really know that I would wish for anything to make our love blossom again.
You knew I also wish for everything to make it right again. You also knew that I would wish our love would overcome everything. But I do understand your pain and stress. I know you can't handle everything in one shot.
But baby, life have been good for you. It isn't that life is treating you badly.
It was me who made you feel life is treating you badly.
One day baby, when everything is over, I really hope you would understand and I really hope there is a second chance for us to make it right. Husband and wife.

I will be faithfully yours.

I really wish that blogging now would make my pain lessen but in so many ways, it won't go away.
But I promised you that I will always be where I am waiting for you.
I miss you really really badly. I love you very much. And I know you love me as much.
Baby. Take your time to deal with your things there. I really will be by your side till the very end.
Even if I have to leave. You will always feel me by you. I will watch over you like an angel.
All I really want is you being happy again. You being able to feel safe again.
You being able to love again.

I will do my best to fight this battle myself. I will keep blogging so that somehow I know I am well and alive.
I really wish that everyday in life, I can really see my baby smile from the heart like you always do.
I love you baby. I really do.

Praying for A Miracle

Oh Lord, I have been praying real hard.
Have you hear my prayers?
I really hope that my prayers will be answered.

I haven't had the courage to text my baby regarding his dad.
I know as for now, you will still be really annoyed by me if I text you.
All I can do is praying really really hard for a miracle.

I had a good life my Lord. You gave me so many miracles.
I think I am being really blessed by you. But this time, I really hope you would help my baby's dad.
My baby is really a very wonderful person. Give him another shot to be reconnect with his dad.
Let his dad see what his son really is. I am not asking for anything more than this.

Regardless of me and my baby, I think I will be facing all the consequences.
I face the fact that I am different from all other lovers he had.
Maybe that is why he really had expectation in me. And I screwed up everything.
I love him with my life no doubt on that. But I think he just wanted some peace.
No matter what my life may be, I won't ask for more.
I have decided to face what is in still for me.
My life has always been a roller coaster ride. This is another loop that I am going through.

I won't be letting you go in any means. But I won't be expecting anything from you anymore.
Even one day your love will turn to hate on me. I accepted this. I am the person who hurt you at first.
Life ain't easy. Life ain't treating you good. I know. But this is life. Full with suffering.
I really hope you will see one day. Even life isn't easy for you.
But you are really blessed with the people around you.
Even cared and love you. You may not see this. But I am one of them who would do anything for you.
Even I am in no position to say a word. But my love to you stays true.

I am still suffering from my body as of now. But in many ways, I know your love is keeping me going.
I had another round of chemo today. But somehow this will be my last dosage for now.
As the doctor said my body can't take it anymore for now.
On my left arm I am having inflammation. I also have no idea why.
But with more and more visible symptoms, I know that my chances of seeing you equivalent to zero.

I know for now, I will not have any more chances to see you.
I know if you do, you will even have more and more heartache.
I choose to leave this time.
I will be in touch with you if I could. But I know I am not able to see you for now.

In many ways, I think this served me a good lesson.
Never think of the greater good when you needed your love one to walk you through this.
I started everything and I will have to face everything myself.
I have no grudge nor complaints.
I love you very much baby. More than you will know.
I will always be by your side no matter how.

God, by saying so, I really wish you would help my baby.
Help him to walk through all this. Let him feel the happiness that he use to have.
I really wish that I can bring him that. But I know he will only see more pain than ever.
I only James is well and happy.
I am doing fine myself. I know I have this blog to put all of my emotions out.
I will be perfectly fine. I really wish for you wellness. And Lord, Help his father.
I know for sure that would bring great joy to him. I really hope so.
I haven't had the courage to text him and ask.
But please my lord, Let me know through you that he is well.
I really hope so. I love my baby, I know you Love me my lord.
Love me and Love him for me. Help my baby.
That's all I ask for. Your compassion, your kindness and your miracle touch to bring his pain away.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Life is Uncertain

My parent always tell me this.
Life is Uncertain, Death is Certain
I relate everything that is happening around us now.
I can really see what does all this mean now.

My baby text me at 10.31pm

My dad in icu. Bleeding from stomach. Now stable d. I'm ok. Dun worry.

How can I not be worried? You are so weak now. You can break anytime just like a thin layer of glass putting by the edge of the table.
You have told me before last time.
Baby, you are very versatile. When I am really weak and soft, you will be as hard as a rock keeping me balance. When I am strong and dominant, you became like a sponge, absorbing my boldness and yet keeping me balance again. I love you very much for always being there baby.

Thinking of what you said, I wanna be as strong as I can now. But my body doesn't permits me to this time.
I really wish that I am there now with you. I know you needed me this moment that is why you text me.
But you know yourself still can't accept what had happen between us. That is why you don't want me to worry.

Baby, no matter what, I want you to know that I am always there for you.
I love you for who you are. I am always standing where we left off. Just waiting for you whenever you need me. No matter what you think of my status will be, I will be there. I know where I stand and what I wanna do. I will always be married to you till you finalize what is best for us.

But lying in the hospital myself, I really wish I would just get up and rush to KL to be with you.
I know that you wanna be alone now but inside you needed someone to be there with you.
I really wish I could. I even fight over with my parent regarding this. But in every way, dad is right. I am not fit to drive alone down to KL. I have to stay where I am.

Reflecting on this. For me to love you, I should not endanger myself to drive down.
I should stay where I am and get well as soon as possible.
Suddenly it is like I've been strike by a lightning. Will I be able to get well?
Will I be able to fully recover? I've been praying very hard and this is the only wish I had.
Looking out the dark window from my ward, I am really thinking.

"Lord, if you can't cure me, please cure James dad. Make him well again.
My baby is now under a lot of stress. Take 10 years of my life and help his old man.
He really needs to be well. My baby loves him very much even though my baby always says they can't communicate. I know how my baby wants to be close to his dad. Just that ways of both of them can't really fit in. Lord, I really meant it. Take part of my life and help him. Give my baby another chance to be close to the one he love most. I had a wonderful time with him. I will not regret this. Please lord, help him. Be his rock. He is really lost. Show him the way. Show him a better place to be."

I was really hoping for his wellness. That is all I wanted now.
I know no matter where will I be, I will always be by his side.
Just as faithful as Elmo has been to me.
I just text him about this. I told him Cookie Monster will always be with him.

I know what I will have to do. I have to really get well and be strong in so many ways.
My baby really needs the support. And I will be there for him. Forever and always.
I just want you to know, I love you baby. Please stop hurting yourself.
I will quietly deal with my own now. Nothing will I want from you besides you being well.

I will never stop loving you. This is certain.
Even death is certain, nothing can change my love for you.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Last Four Hours

If I write that I wasn't emotionally thorn down,
I think there is no point for me to keep blogging.
As for now, blogging is the only place I would be able to write down all of my emotions without worrying about you seeing this.
I knew you weren't ready to see me but to a certain point,
I really do not understand at all why wouldn't you allow me to see you when I am still healthy.
I know in many ways I still have to be strong.
I will keep on fighting to the end. But I somehow lost part of this battle.
I keep on wondering, I keep on thinking.
I know if I were to really leave this world,
even at my death bed you surely would deny me to go on your arms.
The only place in this world where I feel safe.

Baby, how can I let you see I feel your pain?
I really do, every single bit of your pain, I feel it of even more intense in many ways.
If I did not feel anything, I would have move on and left you suffer here alone.
But I really see by you running away from all this is not helping you in any way.
I am really worried everyday. Somehow I was thinking,
You decided to take this break, yes I accepted it as I am the one who made you made this decision.
You wanted to keep in touch and having my news. I am doing so.
But as in now, you are keeping running away from me.
I really dare not tell you anything about my condition.
In a way now, I feel like if for me to leave your world totally is what you really wanted.
As this were the action of you showing me everything of it.

As of this point. I already accepted the fact that I have to carry all this guilt I have to my grave.
I know now that you will never forgive me. I really accepted this without any grudge.
I already foresee the cconsequences.
But saying so, I will hold my words that I will keep loving you and waiting for you.
This is the least I can do. I guess this is the reason why I am still living in this world.
As I told you. Waiting for you for 12 hours is just the beginning. I will wait for you even it takes a life time.

I will not say a word from now. I will not do anything from now.
All I will do is focus on dealing with the problems we have in hand.
I think that this is the least I can do for you.
I owe you the peace in life. I owe you everything in life.
But this is the only thing I can do for you.

I will be leaving home after the next few days.
I already accepted the job offer. And I will be working as a bar tender during night time.
I will be able to cover everything when time comes.
This is what I am able to do so. As for my sickness, My parent has opted for home care.
So, all I need is medications. I can still have medications no matter where I am.
I have decided to leave home.

I will be changing most of my contacts. As of this moment, before I become weaker and weaker.
I have met the person who care and loved me. I would want them to remember as this moment.
Besides you my love. This will be the another regret I have in life now.

I will be moving back to KL in a few days time. And the issue in hand that I have now,
Place to stay. I would need to find a place to camp for the first month till my pay cheque is out.
I have spended most on my medical for the past few weeks. I gotta work extra hard than others.
To make everything ok. Some old memories flashes again across me.
But just this time, the person I cared and love is not around me anymore.

I know I will be just fine. I am Eric Hah. What are the things I can't do?
I remember what my brother Isaih told me, Life is a journey. We taste the bitterness in it before it will turn into sweetness. This is how the world role. Keeping my faith strong. I know which path I would be going through.

As of now, I have stopped trading. I have stopped my MLM.
I still haven't got the courage to face this all without you together.
This is our dreams I know. But I can't handle anymore pain for now.
I will be overloaded again and breakdown again.
This time, I really cannot afford to breakdown.

The text that I have send you in the morning,
It was just treated as a deft text from you.
Even in the evening. The way you talked to me was just too hurtful to handle.
I have turn you from a poassionate person into a cold blooded person.
Maybe I deserve this. But the fact is I am in pain because your pain reflected on mine.
Every single part of it is really excruciating to the maximum.
But you wouldn't believe I am in pain too.
Maybe in your mind now, I am trying to be a victim, and have move on from you to another person.
Or even I may just want more attention from you. Or even me being sick is just a tactic that I create a sense of pitiness of me who is extreamly sick and a dying person to manipulate your feelings.
I know you have questioned my love towards you.
Or maybe even like you say about your ex lovers.
I am also like them just to make you believe that I love you because I have a purpose on it.

I can't help myself keep on thinking about all this negative stuff.
But even it is true. I blame no one as I deserve all this.
I know you will walk out of my life soon enough.
I also really accept it if it really happens.
What will be the worst thing that happens?
I will annoy the readers of my blog more with emo stuff.
Sooner or later, I think blogger will even mark me as spam.
I do not know anything anymore.
All I feel is numbness flowing through my body.
I dare not think about anything anymore.
Cause I know I have to deal with all the problems I created for you.
And as a man and as a person who loves you.
I will deal with it myself from now.
I cannot affort to breakdown again. Time isn't on my side.
I really have to start walking the walk.

I will still be waiting right here.
As the old sayings, There won't be any rainbow if there isn't any rain.
I will walk with my rainy days for now.
But I know deep down my heart, I love you and will always do~

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Following Four Hours

If I say that my faith is not shaking I am lying.
But I am still here. I have another 4 hours left and I will leave Mcdonalds.
The answer is clear that you are clearly not coming.
Many would ask me why then I am still here waiting?
Because you are worth for me to wait.

This is nothing baby. For this, I waited because I wanna say sorry in person to you and my goodbyes.
But for your love. I will keep on waiting for you.Even it takes till the very last breath I have.
I told you I will wait for you for a life time and I will do so.

Baby, Please do not torture yourself anymore.
Let me bear the pain. I can handle much more than you think.
I rather hold on to your pain. Aat least I would be able to see you smile.
Clearly, I wanna prove to you that I am changing and I will still be here.
Even you say we are no longer are a couple. But to me, we are still married.

Baby.. we both are hurt here. I am to be blame.
But why are you keep running away from reality?
Why can't you face it that the fact I did hurt you and I am really sorry?
I know you had a lot of stress with the debts, family and friends and even me I dare say.

But somehow, even how much I needed you. I am still being strong for you.
Cause I know at this very moment you are really weak.
But I am also human made from flash and bones.
I know you are trying so hard to keep on standing there.
But I wasn't as strong as you think. I already collapse 2days ago.

I went to seek for help. Because somehow I know you needed strength.
But I am breaking too in the inside. On the outer side may just look strong.
As for now, I really wanted to just break down and keep on crying.
But I know I can't. I have to be stronger.

Baby, why wouldn't you wanna see me now?
To be honest, I will even get worst as time goes by.
Seeing me bald and skinny isn't a big deal. But as for now, I know you will never understand what I see.
Maybe like I said earlier. I am Eric but not your ex lover.
Maybe I really do not deserve any forgiveness from you.
Maybe I should just walked out from your life.
Maybe this would be better to you.
Even if the worst happen to me, you would just think that I had abandon you.
I rather you would think bad of me than knowingly I was somehow waiting at my death bed just to see the person I love one last time. Should I or should I not?

At this moment, I am really puzzled. I am somehow lost again somewhere.
God, if this would make my baby live a happier life,
I would do so. I would rather him thinking I am just a bastard who screwed up his life.
I would rather be like his ex lover, at least somehow,
even he doesn't love him anymore, he still would ask his friend to visit him and see how is he doing.
That kinda care that he had is ratherly warm.

But I think even that I am not deserve any bit of it.
My baby is lost in his own labyrith. Only he himself could walk out from it.
I really wish that when he is out from there, I am still here in this world to see him smile.
It will really means so much to me. Even I had to leave the world, I will leave without any regret.
Because I think at the end I did the right thing.

I love you James. Every second I have. I really do.

There is four more hours left and I am going off already.

The First Four Hours

I successfully waiting through the first 4 hours.
Somehow till now there are still no sign of you.
I know you told me you are not coming over already.
But I wish you wouldn't deny me the permission to see while I am still healthy.

Keeping my faith strong now. Sitting in McDonalds.
I kept looking at every person who walked up here.
How silly am I still hoping for you to come even you have told me you won't come.

It is raining quite heavily earlier, and now I am feeling quite cold.
But I know it takes more than this to break my will to wait.
Looking at the dark skyline of  Kuala Lumpur.
It looks a like with the feeling I am currently going through.

Somehow I do not really know what and how I would react if you came.
But I can't deny part of me is waiting faithfully here.
Baby, I rather you look at me when I am skinny and bald.
But not lying on the hospital bed.
I pluck in the head phone and listening to Leona Lewis "Footprints in the Sand"
Again and again. The only way I feel my world is calm and peaceful.

Everything surrounding me seems so noisy.
I know that when I leave KL tomorrow I will be doing so with a heavy heart.
Baby, I know you are trying to run away from reality.
But this is not the way. But I can't tell you how I feel.
I am so tired of crying here everyday. Screaming for your happiness, your peace.

You are not the only one who is in pain.
I am gravely in pain with you. As much as you won't believe,
I know how you feel cause every pain reflects deeply in me.
How can I show you that the world is still a beautiful place.

I feel so embarrased now as my tears are flowing out naturally.
My heart hurts as much as you do baby.
How can I walked you out of this. I really wanna make you happy as you were.
But I really can't do this. My body is aching as I am typing this. But the pain is relatively nothing compare to the pain of the heart which is beating every minute.

I tried to be as strong as you wanted. I have tried to be as well as you want me to.
But why does it still ache? why does it still hurt?
And why are both of us torturing ourselves?
Or is the love being cursed? being damn to hell or eternity?
Why is there so many questions and no answers?
The only thing I know is waiting for you faithfully here.

I dare not even say a thing anywhere that you may see my true feelings here.
Our love is all just a waste? Our love really meant nothing at all to you now?
Our love is really not worth saving at all?
For a million times I really do understand your stress and concern.
But time is what I can't have now.

I am not blaming anyone. I blame myself for what I have done.
I deserve all this. But you do not. Why aren't you helping yourself?
Why keep running away. The only thing I see is you will be in more pain.
And I can't help to feel every bit of the pain in you.
It kills me every moment in life.Every second.
I screwed up. But please let me make it right again.
That is all I want from you. Your happiness.

I just wanted to say a proper goodbye to the person I love.

Waiting Faithfully

Sitting in McDonalds in Bangsar alone. Waiting and hoping for James to come see me.
In many ways, I am wishing for him to come.
Maybe that this is the only source for me now keep my will going.
I know in many ways this sounded very stupid to many.
But I decided not to change myself.
Just as simple as I know I won't be happy if I changed.
I tried my very best to change. But I feel I do not wanna make myself more miserable.
I accepted myself as I know this is my strength and my weakness.

Dear readers, do not get me wrong. My family are as important as the one I love.
Balance is what I needed. But for now, I think it is best for James to see me when I can still walk and talk.
I text him earlier saying that I will be here the whole nite. But his reply gave me some warmth yet it is somehow hurtful to my heart.

::Baby, dun wait for me can? I won be goin. Although i miss you so much. I cant break down now. I need to work. I really wish that one day i could meet you with a lighter and brighter heart. You take good care there. You have pormised me.::

First of all that you still see me as you baby. Second you tell me that you misses me.
This has brought a lot of warmth to me. But the fact is you deny the chance to see me.
I understand what you are going through. I understand your pain.
But baby, I am not getting any well as time goes by.
I really do not wish at the moment you are ready to see me I am not able to talk or walk anymore.
I do not wish lying in the hospital and letting you see me that way.

I am not expecting you to forgive me or anything; but I just wish to see you.
I am really fighting every moment to live now. But somehow my body is the only thing I can't control now.
I do not wish this in many ways. I do not hope for this.
But somehow even you deny me of seeing you.
Tonight is my only night in KL. I will be leaving tomorrow morning.
And I am not sure what will I be in one week, a month or even after that, I dare not even think.

This is what I am able to do. I will wait for you. That is all I can do.
This night is going to be a long night. But I am willing to wait. because in every way you are worth to wait.
All I really wish is you would just take the courage to just have a look at me.
I wish you would come in many ways, before I am not able to see you anymore.

Tonight is the night in many nights I do not have to smell the smell of a hopital.
I can have a sense of freedom. I just wanna enjoy my time in the city that I love.
I am trying to wish for the best now. For my family, for you and for me.
Even we are so much different now not being together anymore.
But to me, I will not let go just like this. I have done my best in not contacting you.
But for you. I think it is best to see me now when I am still consider healthy.

And look at the worst senario that can come.
I wish you remember me this way rather than lying lifelessly on the hospital bed.
The least is saying our farewell in a manner that both of us can be well.
I love you very very much. But in so many ways, I still feel so much guilt about what I have done.
I think this is the best for you and me. For now.

Deep inside me, there is still a devil who lives within.
I sometimes question why and why I do not deserve a second chance.
Comparing to your past. In your past, the person you loved had been given so many chances.
I only knew twice, but you yourself told me there is more than that.
I feel so helpless. Or I am not good enough to have that second chance.

But I dare not even think more about this idea. Because I am not your ex lover. I am Eric.
I mustn't compare at all. I know what I have done is extreamly wrong.
I have taken up the courage to admit everything and taking every effort to change.
I am changing and I should face this punishment.
I should not say a single word from here.
I cannot even have the thought of that.
I have enough sin and it is time for me to change. I made a huge mistake.I should face this consequence.
This is what I have created for myself. I should take every thing I am going through in.

When I broke down two days ago, It was really miserable.
Life seems grey and hard in every way. I am seeing a Dr now for help.
Dr Pang from Hospital Kuala Lumpur. He is a psychiatrist and the Head of Department.
He is a very kind person. He is the reason why I have the courage to face this and ask James out.
Cause this is what I want. To see me when I am still ok.
Baby, in so many ways I miss you very very much.
I know life isn't treating you well, but you are not the only one as well.
I did tried my best to be well, but this is already out of my hands.
Do you know how much I wanna keep on living so I can see you smile again?
I will be lying if I say that I also wanna keep on living in the world to love you?
I can't handle this. I wish I can even control myself of not being sick. But only God has the power to do so.
I am just trying very hard to have faith in every single way now to be well and be happy.
And that is all I hope for for you now.

2 hours has passed now but there isn't any sign of you.
I wish in so many ways that you would just come up stairs and see me.
But everytime it is just not you. But Elmo is sitting right beside here with me keeping me company.
With a pack of Winfield and a cup of light coke, I still feel weak inside but I can't have that written on my face in anyway.
Cause if you come, that should not be the face I want you to see.
I just want you to remember me as the one who is bubbly, happy and cheerful who brings smile to people.
The one who really loves you are cared in every single way.
I will be waiting here all night just to have one look at you.
And I really wish it won't be the last that I see in you.

I will try my best to get well, and I am changing to a better person.
Wishing one day our dream of geting old in a small house, walking by the beach everyday.
This is my only wish in life. In every way, I wanna live.
I wanna love you. Till the very end I have.
This is all I can do for you baby.

寶貝 Baby


I do not know when does it start,

Nor I know when does it stops,

You always hide in a corner of my heart.


Time has stop within you eyes,

I am afraid even to take a breath,

I really wish to live within your soul.

輕撫著你的頭 睡吧

Touched your forehead softly, sweet dreams.

I will be in your dreams,

No matter where you will awaken to,


I will remember you.


Can’t recall from which day hence,

I haven’t any news from you again.

The world is not a beautiful place anymore.


Missing you under the sun,

Waiting for your return,

I just wish to hide in your arms.

緊握著你的手 睡吧

Holding your hand, Sweet dreams,

I am in your arms,

No matter where you awaken to,


I will love you.

緊握著你的手 睡吧

Holding your hand, sweet dreams,

I am in your dreams.

No matter where and when,


I will remember you.

I will love you.

The Show Must Go On

Leaving the hospital soon and leaving KL tomorrow morning,
I do not know what I am going to face from here.
I took up a big step forward. I put all my courage and text James.
I told him I will be leaving KL tomorrow morning. If he is not too tired and ready to meet me,
I wish to see him. In a way, I really think it is time for me to face reality.

I dare not even think nor expect anything now.
I just really wish to see him. Even thou he may hide up his emotions.
But I need to see him. For a longer journey to go on or even for the last time.
I think I have enough guilt to live with that this point in life.
I would really hope that I can control my emotions well.

I have taken a few chicken essenses and some coke to boost up my sugar level.
I just wanna look good as in healthy and happy for him.
Or maybe this is how I wanted him to remember me.
I should now remind myself. This is the least I owed him.
This is the least I can do for him. I should let him in peace, I should give hiim this very last wish he wants.

I had an offer of work today. As a Senior Portfolio Manager.
Offer was good. It is a wine industry. The funny thing is in so many ways I have met this sweet person.
I believe miracles do happen. Thank you Carl. I will be at my best.
You are such an angel. I never knew meeting you in the same ward would bring such joy to me.
My deepest gratitude to you. I hope you will be well soon too. At least we both have the same goal in life.
To live everyday with our heart.

Date of commercing of work will be confirmed. I will be working my ass off. Just 3 more months.
I will need to help my baby out on this. I appreciate what you have done for me in the past.
But I won't let the purpose of this goes into the drain.
I will keep the dream going on.

Emotional wise, I start to feel numb again. Do not know what is best and where is best to be.
In many ways, I haven't change much on my course in life.
I won't give up living. I won't give up life.
I won't give up on you. Even one day you moved on. But I will be here.
Like I have mention, I won't make the same mistakes I did last four years.

Looking back, Living on hope is much better than living a life meaninglessly.
I would do my very best, following the things I wanted to go on.
Fighting for the things which are worth fighting for.
The show in life will go on. And this time, I do not want centre stage or the spotlight.
All I wish is everything ends well. In anyway life may come by. This is my faith.

I love you very much and I am very sorry for everything I have done.
My faith and hope never change. My dreams and love stays on course.
I am sorry for the previous blog I have written. I didn't meant it.
Yes, I broke down in a way. It was somehow too much to handle at that point.
But being negative is the last I needed now. For my family, my baby, and people who cared about me.
I will have to live on. Loving you by all my own means.

The show must go on.
I will walk out the hospital today with my head tall just like Nicole Kidman walked out of the Moulin Rouge. With pride, with honor. For just one reason. For the people she love.
This is for the longer journey to come.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tired of Being Sick

I am really tired of being sick. I hate myself why do I have to be this way?
Can't I just be as normal as everyone else?
I don't know why I am feeling so low now. Everything seems to be crashing down.
Of me being like this, I destroyed everything I had.
I really do not know why and what happen to me.
I really hate being this way. For the first time, I really tried so hard to be as positive as I can but I can't do it now.
Why does this have to happen to me? Why in the world I have to go through all this nonsense?
I am not blaming anyone. But I am blaming myself.
Why do I have to do this? Why did I feel so insecure when I have the world?
Why do I have to go through such pain when there are people who are living in this world who doesn't wanna live?
I wanna live for a long time. I wanna grow old with my baby.
I wanna hold him and look at the beach together.
How can I go through such pain? I wanna live oh God. I really do.
Please take away my pain. I wanna be healthy.
I wanna grow old with the one I love.

I really do not know why am I breaking down at the moment I need to be strong.
I look at Elmo, but I really don't know how am I going to get through this.
I feel so sorry inside. I feel so bad in the heart.
But all I can do is hide behind all this words. My family, my baby, my friends who cared,
still want me to live on. But I really do not know where should I go from here.
I feel helpless with the pain, I feel so miserable with my body.
All I want is just to have a decent meal. But I can't help it to puke everytime I do.
In that point of time, I feel like I wanted to eat it all back the food I have consume.
But I can't let myself do so. I am really suffering. But I blame no one as I know I created all this.
I miss you very much baby. I really do. All I wanted is to say sorry to you in person.
I really wish for forgiveness. I can't leave this world holding this regret.
But I can't do a thing to make it better. I am the one who hurt you.
I am the person who drove you far away.
I am the person who love you and brake your heart.
I am really sorry. I know I have to go on. But somehow deep inside there is part of me just wanted to give up.

Looking For My Silver Lining.

The day has come for me to leave the hospital now.
I am just waiting for the time my parent to pick me up.
But somehow, I wasn't anticipating at all.
In many ways, I wondered how are you doing.

I never knew living with guilt is as bad as this.
I find really hard to breath at points in life.
I wish I can overcome this. I wish I could be better.
So much have been striking through my mind.
Every glimpse of our beautiful memory.
Left me wonder why why and why did I ever think of hurting you.
I drove you so far apart. I left you in such deep pain and indirectly,
I put myself in great pain. But who will know?
No one will ever see how both of us be.
We will be as strong as possible when meeting up with family and friends.
But deep down we are crying for salvation, waiting for a silver lining for the both of us.

Many has ask me, since both of your love are so strong, Why wanna let go?
No one is perfect, As long as you are willing to change I think you guys will do fine.
But my answer was,

He put everything in me, and I destroyed it just like that.
He has doubts, Not towards my love, but towards how come I would even hurt him since I loved him so much?
Plus with all other external factors, stress level he is going through.
I can understand why. I owe him this much now. Let him have some peace.

"How about you?" was the next question.

My answer was just simple. What about me? I am good. Left them puzzled.
No matter how much I wish I could get back with you my love,
But I owe you this much peace. I will give you as much space as you want.
I will do what is right to do. I will try my very best to live on.

sigh.. Until now I still do not know why my parents opted for home care now.
There are a lot going through my mind. But I keep on filtering and trying to be as positive as I can.
I am not letting myself even a single second to dare to think about the worst.
I cried. Fearing I would not ever see you again if everything went wrong.
My last memory of you was just I was trying to hold you and you were merely just touching.
But the last time you hug me before we parted. I cried ever harder now.
And remembering the text you have sent me that night.

" I wish you will grow up and face the things you are afraid of. I never doubted you love."

I am facing it now. With loads of regrets. I am merely a coward. Who freak out and being defensive the time you gave me the chance. I lost it all. I lost it all.
Nothing is going to change for now I know. And I know nothing is going to change my love towards you.
Maybe I will also be a past of yours. But you will never be mine.
Somehow I really wish to see you one last time before I leave KL.
I miss you baby. And I really love you every second in my life.
I am still very sorry. But I will do my very best. To live and be a better person.

Kissing Elmo and smiling to start my day.

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~