Judgement

Up to this very moment, I somehow do feel what and how Andrew really felt the other day. I know sometimes it is easier said until we really face it. Somehow I had my own music today. Somehow I was trying to put away all the negativity away. Or I am really just too broken to move from there? Am I tired? Yes I am. But should I deal with it or just push it away? I am kinda tired to think. Honestly I do think that somehow I was at fault. I oversee many things in life. But I was asking this to myself, is there a person has no mistakes?  Yes I did pay my dues. But why am I feeling all these low? I felt miserable. Thinking of what I will do now.

Looking at my tweet and the time, I wonder will my angels see me the same way? Will they tolerant the beauty of pain? I felt kinda dampen in my hopes. Or I wonder I should be taking a step back and start letting go of my past? Yes, I do not deny after tonight, I am still afraid being judge. Somehow I wanted to just let it go but how can I do so? The pain was overpowering me. Should I start running away again? I don't know. As miserable as it would be. I know I would have been facing nothing but the regret of putting James in pain. I really thought I have let go of the memories. Being where we were 2 and a half years ago, all the memories fill in me and the pain was extremely unbearable. I wish I could just let it go and go on. But somehow I feel so hopeless here just sitting in the room with everyone sleeping and me writing here.

I keep telling myself to let it go and it meant nothing any more. But the guilt and pain is just unbearable. It just kept flowing in me and I wish I was just able to stop it right now. How can I do this? How can I just let it go? Whatever they think isn't important any more isn't it? He is a past. But why I am feeling all the knifes cutting me from the inside. Can I still do this? Why? God, I just feel like collapsing down with all my emotions and cry.

Andrew, I know now totally how you felt. Somehow now I knew that at that very moment, you just wanted to run and not staying there and feel what they are judging. You just wanted to let it all go and just be alone but still you have to put on that face that it is ok. I know now at that very moment, no matter what it is, it will not be ok. And all I really know now, even all that love and care for me like Cornflakes, Mr D and many more of my angels, you guys were great and was always there for me. I guess now is me judging myself a little too much. But how can I stop? How to be? I wanted all to stop. Can I just be that person now? Just wanted to keep running and tired of making things right. I guess tonight I will have to just sink myself in with the guilt that will haunt me forever. I really feel now I am not worth at all being love. Just for the reason that I could hurt someone that was loving me for me. But in the end, I hurt him with all my insecurities and the doubt I create.

The only thing I believe I done right was letting you know love is great. It was perfect and sweet. Until it has turn into doubts and the pain was so great it has turn us into what we are. Strangers.