Saturday, December 3, 2016
Some songs just could easily mess you up. Some song digs in to some memories that you wouldn't wanna talk about. At some point, there are some memories that words don't reach. Even when you try to let others in, you know they would share that burden but just tearing open that scar you try to hide. There's a grace too powerful to name and we push away what we can never understand. We push away the unimaginable.
Some suffering are meant to be shared, but there are some you just couldn't possibly do anything. You just learn to live with the pain every day. You learn to pray, you learn to do things you have never done before. I know there is no replacing what we've lost. Just that the questions that kept repeating in your mind.
If I could spare his life
If I could trade his life for mine
He'd be standing here right now
For a moment there, you feel like you are standing right in the dark alone. There is suffering too terrible to name. I don't pretend to know the pain, I just bury it somewhere unreachable. All I wanna hold you and say "Don't come over." Every birthday, all I can do is remember that you wanted me to live a full life and a happy one. And pushed away all the unimaginable.
Forgiveness... Can you imagine?
I dare not even think to ask for forgiveness. Maybe there is nothing to forgive, but there is still a lot of blame in me. There is just moment that words don't reach. Look around, there are people who just can't reach out. It's just quiet...its just easer to push away the unimaginable.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
The first autumn wind blew. And the chill that runs down you spine. You know that summer is gone and it is time to endure the cold long nights. No gold could buy that warmth you long for. Auntumn is here.
The stroll in the woods picking up mushrooms and wood. Just wanted to be sure you would provide warm and food. You know you could give anything to see that cute little grind of happiness. For that it seems like summer has never felt when Autumn is here.
Every single cut, ever drop of blood. You know every step would make it worth. Every effort you put, everything you do, it was just for the sake of protecting who matters. The cold doesn't get to you. Your mind remains strong. Nature will never bring me down to my knees. For the things that is worth, you know you are doing it right. You yearn for sunlight, and yet you only have a mere shadow from the gloomy autumn's day. For what is worth, every step takes you nearer to paradise. As auntumn is here.
What I needed stays in the blurred lines. And yet, the wants lingers through when hope is low. As you know, time will tell and heals all. It is temporary until the sun comes out again. I would just need to let go of all the tricks playing in my head. As autumn is here.
You didn't ask yourself why are you doing this. You stop asking how many steps you haven taken. As it is like the sharp thorns from the roses bush. Like the poison ivy that grows strong and keeping out the pest. Just endure the steps, and stop asking question. Winter is merciless and autumn is here.
Sometimes, I too wish to have those juicy mushrooms. But there are times you need to understand what are the things you keep dear to you. For all you know, it just seems that it wasn't that bad having a long hot summers day. You feel free and the breeze that touches your face gives you that little hope. But what is hope when you lost the will. As autumn is here.
Book For Hope
Friday, July 22, 2016
St. Regis. : hello, can I speak to Mrs Hah? I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur.
Dad. : oh sure, hold on.
St. Regis. : hi Mrs Hah. This is R and I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur. I understand you are planning a surprise birthday celebration for your husband?
Mom. : no.. I don't think so.
St. Regis. : I believe you have booked a stay with us on August 27th?
Mom. : no. I don't think I have. Who are you looking to speak to?
St. Regis. : I would like to speak to Mrs Hah. Wife of Mr Eric Hah.
Mom. : yes this is Mrs Hah speaking but Eric is my son. I believe the person you are looking for is my future son in law who is in Kuala Lumpur at the moment.
St. Regis. : (silent)
Mom. : hello? Are you still on the line?
St Regis. : so sorry. I assume you are Mrs Hah.
Mom. : yes I am and I believe I am the one and only Mrs Hah you are referring to. Eric is my son, and yes you hear it right. The person you are looking for is my future son in law.
St. Regis. : sorry for the confusion. I believe that August would be Eric's birthday? And you son in law is planning surprise birthday party for your son. Is that correct?
Mom. : my son's birthday Is in January. My birthday is in August but I don't think my son is celebrating with me. My son in law's birthday is in August though. Does this mean my son has chosen to celebrate his partner's birthday instead of mine?
St. Regis. : I am sorry Mrs Hah, I believe there is a mixed up I trust your son doesn't have this intention at all.. I am deeply sorry to have confuse all the details.
Mom. : relax girl. I am just pulling your leg. August is my future son in law's birthday. You really got that mixed up. My son is currently in Dubai you can reach him via his email. And way, thank you for making my day, but the future son is law thing I am not kidding. My son has our blessing to love who he wants. I believe you are just not use to an Asian family who thinks and does thing like us no?
St. Regis. : haha. Yes Mrs Hah. You really got me there. I thought you were gonna report me or something as I do not wanna sound like I am a homophobic.
Mom. : it's ok. The world is the way as it is. We just have to accept love comes in all kinds of way. But by the way, you really did screw up the details. Should I tell my son about this?
St. Regis. : errrr.....
Mom. : hahahaha.. I'm joking. Write to my son. He will do what he needs to do with his stay.
Then my mom called me to tell me all of this. I do not know if I wanna cry or laugh. But I know where the lame gene comes from my family.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Sunday, May 15, 2016
I guess it is just one of those nights you just can't help wondering about the good and the bad. Time flies and sometimes, I wondered how much things I have missed out because of the circumstances.
I am about to step in my second year being cancer free. Yes it should be a celebratory feat, but somehow behind my head, I can't help wondering if the big C is creating back in my body. It's just a sick feeling in my gut that I can't help to feel.
Me and Leo just made it through 19 months. It has been great for us, but at the back of my mind, somehow I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honeymoon period should've ended, but.. Somehow.. It just never stop. Some what unnatural I think..
Life is somehow very smooth and good to me. But why am I having all these bad feeling about it? Of course there are some hard things and small matters we have bumped into but we make it through. Leo has been more than what he is suppose to be. But if I was honest to myself, I can't help to feel somehow is he just too good for me and I am not deserving.
Did my early years fucked me up that bad that I think things wouldn't be this easy? Why am I anticipating all the negative things and harness those bad energy in me? Am I just that fucked up? Or I just think this life now I am living in is unreal?
There is so much going on in my head and all I wanna do is run. I just wanted to get to the airport and fly to you. The first face I see when I get out from the arrival hall is you. Maybe that would ease my worries.. Maybe..
But all I can do now is just pull it through the week before I can see you. All I can do is fantasizing all the little small things I've planned for the whole week. Maybe that is the only thing I am looking forward to without and fears.. But.. Maybe...