Home

Where is home? The place I was born? The place I grew up? Or the place I am residing?
But where is home I asked. This is something I have been asking again and again. But when I stop to ask this question, I found the answer.

Home is where the heart is.

Today was just a very gloomy day with the passing of a friend's child. I was lying on my bed with no intention at all to start packing heading back to KL. I was thinking and fighting should I be heading back or not. Because at times, I felt really empty, loneliness and fear when I am alone. It is not that I won't be having company and so on. It is just that heart felt this weird mixture of sensation. I had this conversation before with Arakin San. He did tell me that I was happier when I was in the States. But I should not take that reason to keep on running away from the current problems I am facing. But what are the problems? I seriously am still thinking.

I know now at this moment, no one would really able to relate how am I feeling. The vastness of emotions that kept me twirling in my own labyrinth. I wanted to be saved? No. Because I know that I would be even more a loner than ever. Even having my friends, family and love ones around me. It seems I am trapped in this kinda mist. It wasn't I wouldn't wanna talked about about it. It is just something been building up and boiling inside of me.

I use to let it out in music. Writing my own babies and kept it or even use it for commercial use at points. But now, I do not know why I hated music. Whenever I see notes, I start to lose my temper at myself. No one seems able to understood this. Not even myself. I am out of inspiration. When I sleep, all I see now is that face on dad the other day when he found me on the toilet floor. I know that this won't be permanent. It is just a phrase. Even to the person that use to feel me was like a distance between us. Even by standing in front of each other. I am heading back to KL today and start with some meetings for the up coming musical. And there are still plenty of work need to be done at the moment. But  after the meetings, I will be heading to a sanctuary where I could find peace. I needed somewhere safe to rehab myself. This negativity is not doing me any good.

I am aware that all my angels would be there for me. But I want you guys to know I am still in my mist of looking for myself. I will be well and all I need is little time. But with all the coldness of life surrounding me. There is a warm place for me. At this time, with just this, I know I will be well and I will get well. It isn't selfish but just an understanding we had. And thank you for all the arrangements. I appreciate all the things you have arranged for me. I guess nothing could hide from whatever I am going through. With just a "hello" on the phone call. You knew I needed the attention of a friend. And also I wanted to openly thank you for not judging my choices in life. And putting yourself to understand meant a lot to me. I am tired no doubt from the non stop events happening around me. I appreciate everything. EZ. Thanks.