Beaten Up

Looking at one point in life, I felt sometimes I am the person who really screw things up and made it really bad. It is just that I am blessed with the love and care of friends. Tonight is the night I am facing a part of me that I was hiding for months. A reason I never wanted to face. When I was in the car, the song of Cold Play's Fix You came on the radio. It shattered me into pieces. The memories of you singing this to me every night. The guilt build up in me and you just held my hands and tell me :

Let it go! You hold on to it too much and too long. Let it out and let it cleanse your soul. Its too heavy for you to hold it alone.

I cried so hard for the first time after a long long time. I thought I found that me in myself. But I was actually hiding behind in. The rage was still building in me. I was just embracing it till now. I would know that after this post, I will be the Ricky I use to know. I wasn't angry at myself. I was angry of loneliness. A sense of emotions that I never wanted to talk about. Mr D was right. It was just a part of masking. And no matter how others try, I will never let them in. The one that could come in I will just somehow block them off. I was defensive. Why, I do not know. I wanted to help and be strong for others. It was just somehow reflecting I was the one who needed that. And of all time, my iTunes suddenly playing Crying Is Beautiful. It was really beautiful at this point.

Thinking back on months at the point I choose to let go of everything I was holding on. I don't have the courage to tell you now why. I don't even have the courage to write it down here why. But the least I took the courage to step up and tell a friend about it today. I am tired every night fearing and lying on the bed crying over the fact I lost all I had. For something I think worth fighting for. But now everything seems not right. I look at him in the eye but he just looked away. I somehow knew he was hurt too. Till today yes we didn't burn, but it hurts him to see me being hurt. For the first time I felt what he felt. Beaten up inside. He was helpless. I was helpless. I pull myself away and just look out at the window. The only way I had the courage to see him. His reflection.

It was really we look at each other like we don't know what was right to do. Nothing felt right but yet it was just it. Holding back each others pride. With the blessings given in silence. Knowing we will be there for each other for the rest of our life. I made the choice to walk this path. The only regret was I never told you that why I walked out this way. I know that now you know and you understand why. But we both were beaten up. In the way that the pain of no one will ever know but us.

Listening to Kelly Clarkson's rendition of I Can't Make You Love Me. It just reflect that sometimes the choices in life is painful but it was for the best of all. Asking me now why did I choose this way, I do not have that answer. Is it worth it? I do not know. But I know I am following my heart. The heart that is beating for one person that I pushed away. It felt like we were just strangers that known each other. Letting the raindrops on my face made me even fearful of losing you in the most painful way. Somehow it was being rolling and rolling to the beats. I know this was just something I choose and I have no grudge on it. I remember every smile you have put on my face. It was endless. It was priceless. I will just remember the way you were.