Depression

In the wake of these recent and public deaths by suicide, the positive is we are able to have a dialogue about the complexities and nuance of mental health. This post is beautifully written and enlightening. I hope you spend 2 minutes and read it. Maybe we can understand ourselves and those around us better today.

Written by 

Stirling Gardner

Stop asking people to reach out when they feel depressed.

I understand that you're saying that with only the best of intentions, but that is not how it works for the depressed person.

I have experienced more bouts of depression (from mild to crippling) than I can even count as far back as I can remember.

Times when my body and mind could barely function.

Not leaving my home/bed/couch for days at a time.

Times when I didn't have it in me to even look at my phone, let alone make a call to someone.

Anxiety and depression are referred to as "crippling" for a reason. There is a chemical imbalance happening in the brain that forces you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Or in most cases NOT do things you would normally do and know you should do, which makes you feel guilty for not doing them, thus perpetuating a nasty, nasty cycle.

Depression is a mental, emotional, and spiritual black hole that you cannot see beyond when you are in it. Physically, it feels like there is something tying you to the center of the earth rendering you unable to function. I referred to it as wearing the 1000 lbs cape.

Depression is insidious and can creep up on you at any time without notice. And then, there is circumstantial depression.

Mix those two together and you are in what feels like quicksand in the middle of the blackest night with duct tape over your mouth and you only have minutes to live and no one is around. It's terrifying and bleak.

It can and does make you contemplate 100 intricate ways to kill yourself so that no one would know it was suicide. And for others, it makes them pick a more obvious and public route to end their pain.

For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced depression or anxiety, I am genuinely happy for you. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I remember checking in on an exgf because I hadn't heard from her in a longer time than was normal for the two of us. She had been lying on her dining room hard wood floor in the fetal position for three days. I drove over - not to do or say anything in particular - but just to be a human body in her presence.

I have needed the same thing on occasion.

Most of the time, a depressed person doesn't want to talk about what's bothering them. Don't let this frustrate you.

Sometimes they do this because they don't know exactly what's going on but its scary as shit and they need a body around to feel safe.
Sometimes they aren't ready to talk about it yet.
And sometimes they are grateful for your friendship and feel guilty they would bring you down with them, too.

Yes, I know that's not rational to you, but to them it makes perfect sense.

Depression is not something you can think yourself out of. Depression is not a conscious choice.
Depression sucks.

This next sentence may piss a lot of people off, but... depression and suicide are not meant to be selfish.

When you have experienced chronic depression for long enough and get to the point where you want to free yourself from what feels like never ending darkness PLUS have a chemical imbalance happening in your brain, you truly believe the world (family and friends included) would be better off without you to worry about.

I am not asking you to agree with it. I am asking you to try to understand it in a different way...

People are not in their right state of mind when they make the decision to commit suicide. To them, it's actually the opposite of selfish... they think they would be making the world a better place if they took themselves out of it.

Let me be clear... I am not saying suicide is ever the answer. But to the depressed person not thinking logically, it feels like the logical thing to do. Referring to suicide as selfish only heaps more shame and stigma on a depressed person that hears you talking that way, making them feel even worse and shutting them down further.

Instead of judging a depressed person or telling them to "snap out of it," I have some other suggestions.

If you haven't heard from someone you know in a longer than average amount of time, YOU reach out to them.

Let them know you are there for them no matter what.

Offer to come over and just sit with them. Do not force them to talk about anything. Just BE there.

Ask them, "How can I best be here for you right now?"

And let whatever their answer is be ok with you.

They may say to just sit with them and not say a word.
They may ask you to keep checking on them with a simple text even if they don't text back.
They may ask you to make soup for them.
Or walk their dog.
Or whatever the hell it is, just be okay with it.

The gratitude they will feel for those small selfless actions is unbounded yet they won't be able to thank you in the moment.

Do it anyway.

If they don't return your calls or texts, reach out anyway. Any lack of response is not about you during those times.

I was once in such a dark, incapacitated place, I had to have the woman I was dating look up therapists, call them, make appointments for me, and drive me to those appointments.

I was once in a place so dark, I sat in my car inconsolably sobbing and stared for hours at the tree I was going to drive into.

I have written notes and left them for what I was about to do.

I have been to the absolute edge of ending my life and only been stopped seconds before by a voice deep inside that whispered "not yet."

It is humbling and downright embarrassing to admit all of this and I can only do it now that I am in a much better place and have some perspective to offer.

I am not trying to make this post about how I have been able to drastically turn my life around, but rather to share with those who are baffled by depressed people what they can do to help.

Posting suicide prevention hotline numbers is indeed a nice thing to do.
Telling people to reach out is indeed a nice thing to do.

But YOU reaching out and asking "how can I be there for you right now?" is infinitely more effective.

Trust me.

So... who are you going to reach out to today?

I love you all.

P.S. If you strongly believe or know someone is going to commit suicide and has the means to do so, it is also your job to reach out to the police.

Questions

What would you do when there are too many questions?

What would you do when you starting to have doubts?

What would you be when there are too many things which you can't get answers?

What would you let yourself be when there aren't any options left?

What will you do when you have no where else to go to?

What will you feel when you have everything to lose?

What will you be when all is lost?

What will you do when you are just lost?

365 Days & Closing Chapter One

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true..

- Sara Bareilles

End of a Chapter 1 - Part 009 : Nov 10th 2015



It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize myself. It is also not easy to know I am not anything like I used to be. For every reason, I can't believe we are closing chapter one.

The imperfection and the uncommonly interest we had, it is not easy to believe things would actually work out. Now, I've got you and you are not what I've asked for. Bringing back to 365 days of memories we have forged, it's all seems too fast. The good and the bad, we managed to come to a close for this chapter.

Life is always messy, and life has been kind. We are human, and we are bound with our sins. For one reason that I could pull it through is because you have been my anchor. You are mine....

The things we have lost, the things we have made, and the things to come. It is a beautiful disaster. Do I wanna rewrite the ending, I guess I would be happy to just let it be. You're imperfect, but you try. You are messy but you are kind. It is as simple as I can just say that I am the happiest person alive.

It is not easy to know when the part of your dream is becoming reality. There is a thin line where I mixed up what is a fantasy and reality. What is there for me to sabotage everything I have? Where do I wanna go from here? What will the next chapter lies? For the one person who see me for who I am...


Thank you for a wonderful 365 days and I want another 365 years with you. 

Seriously! Fuck You Cancer!

I always try to see the very best part of life has to offer. Perks of having cancer after so long. You tend to just shut down every single thing that don't really affects you. But what will you do when the tables were turn? 

Living with cancer is one thing. After you have accepted the fact that you are living with cancer for so many years, for the best and worst of things could get. I am thankful for the part where life has been very kind to me. No doubt there are times where it was really bad. But when you are just comfortable with what things are to be, things changes all over again.

There are a million questions running through my head right now and I can't even seem to get things right. The constant change I have to be prepared of. I know I would sound really stupid by saying this but when too many good things happened around me, I get terrified. In fact right now, I'm shaken to my core. My gut feeling is telling me one thing but the reports are telling me another. 

For the first time in a long time, I really do wish that nothing has changed. Maybe for a little while longer. I am afraid of losing everything, I am afraid of going through all these alone. I know being remission is great, but it is still too good to be true. These 7 years hasn't been all smooth, but I can't say that I am suffering either. 

So yea, FUCK YOU cancer! It's though screwing me over isn't enough, now you wanted to turn up a notch to spice up my life a little? I am happy. I accepted the fact that what my life could be living with it. I just wanted some peace of mind. I do not wanna worry. I do not wanna be in constant fear. I really have too much to lose. I am not ready. I don't even know what life could be after this. It's too drastic. I needed time. I don't even know what's going on in your head. I don't even know what you are thinking. 

I'm.... Lost... Just sometimes.. I wish life has an easier way to deal with. . . I just don't wanna lose anything at this very moment..  

Down Memory Lane

Walking down memory lane sometimes could be beautiful, but sometimes things can get ugly. At a certain point in my earlier years, there were these people that molded me in what I am today. But the way wasn't always sweet and easy. There are a lot of things that happened due to what I've done. At some point, it was just a mere distant memory.

But sometimes, when you were simply having too much free time. You switched on your Facebook and look back to some of the people that you once walked together with in the past. Some memories put a smile on you, some memories just brings up that sick feeling under your skin. There were so much things that went on and on in your head, and at a certain point, you just feel like you are out of breath. 

I can't even recognize the person I once was. I lived under the skin of a mere fraction of my imagination. I do not even know how to love a human being. I did so many wrongs I wished some of them I never even had done it in the first place. I became the person I hated, and I was so afraid of losing the one person I use to want. The fear, drives me over the edge. I really hated myself for what I've done hurting those I use to care for. 

It is way past the point for an apology, or forgiveness. We eventually just move forward no matter how much we didn't want to. Yet today, I stand in a very happy place. I am not complete, but those imperfections made us what we are. No pretense, no more lies, and there isn't even the need to impress the other. We are just being ourselves. 

I do not miss the old days, but I really felt awful to have done the things that I've done. Life always has its way of bringing us to a place where we deserve. Everything I have now, I wouldn't wanna jeapordize any part of it. I've paid my dues and its time to let go of that baggage. I love you, and it would be all that matters to me right now. 

Losing My Grip

Love is wanting to help somebody be the best version of themselves.

- Julliet Barnes

Insecure - Part 008 : May 26th 2015

Listening to "Photograph" and looking back time. It started beautifully, and I kicked on a sharp edge and I bled. Love can heal, love can mend your soul. Certain things get easier, certain things is just trying. There are things I can't talk to anyone in my life. I didn't want anyone to see things differently. But now I think everything is just boiling up to a point I can't handle it myself. 

No one is perfect, and I am thankful for your imperfections. I no longer stand from outside the circle and I can't see everything that was going on clearly. I use to depend on what my gut tells me. But recently it was all gloom and dark. My mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me otherwise. I wished I wasn't observant. I wished I don't pay attention to small details. I wished I just don't feel everything that is drowning me. I wished I could forget the many other conversations we had. 

I am terrified of us, of you. It doesn't comes down to trust. I do trust you, more than you think I do. it is because I do, it scares me even more. You have my heart, you're capable of destroying me. The pace moving to a rhythm I can't keep up. I am telling myself that I am mistaken this time. Nothing I felt in my gut was right. Those were just cowards and they didn't even have the balls to write to me in their real identity. It was all just rubbish and I have nothing to be afraid of. But why this cold chill runs down in me? 

I wanted to learn, I wanted to just let it all go. I just wanted to remember the time when it was just so pure and beautiful. I am everywhere, and I don't know what to do. I just wanted to mend the broken in me, and living the now. I can't survive either way. I can't run away, I can't move. I can't breath and I don't know what I could do to overcome all these. I don't have a way to move forward. 

Ended Up Being About Taylor Swift

Do you ever listen to a sad song, and become emotional not because you relate to the words on your side, but because you feel like it could be the words and feelings of the other?

Sometimes I hear the emotions in the lyrics and melody, and I think… could I have caused them to feel this way? Is this “their” song? Was this what they went through, or are going through? And the thought of that is actually what makes me sad, the notion that I inflicted this, this sadness, anger, insecurity. Not that the words and message of the song reflect my feelings. (I do not take pride in this at all, it’s not a good thing. Just wondering if others feel the same)

Perhaps this is the reason why I enjoy Taylor Swift’s songs so much. (Yes, I just said Taylor Swift as my example). I’m obviously not a teenage (excuse me, 22-oo-OO-OO) blonde girl, but sometimes her songs give me a sense of what a girl in my past may have thought because of me. And it’s an intense feeling, of guilt, or regret. And isn’t that what music is supposed to do? Make you feel? So yes, I’m a fan of Taylor Swift.

Here’s one of her more recent ones that when it came out made me think … “I wonder if I was on the wrong end of this song in her life?”

Sucha good song. (btw, I would never have a problem with any girl wearing high heels. Who would??)

Accumulated

Remember when “I like you” was enough? “I like you” was the end all goal. “I like you” was the prize. Remember when “I like you” was enough?

I can pull out the journal and go to the specific page and entry when I first heard those words from the girl that I also liked. For the first time, it was mutual. For the first time, of all the people that I could “like”, she “liked” me back. At the time, I innocently called it a “phenomenon” of some sort, that two people could match this way in this world. “I like you” was enough. She became my first girlfriend. She became my first love.

Remember when “I love you” was enough? “I love you” was the epitome, all you needed. “I love you” was when you found the one. Remember when “I love you” was enough?

But that was before ex-boyfriends, before ex-girlfriends. Before her disapproving parents. Before his parents you couldn’t stand. This was before that little bad habit that grew into the most annoying thing ever. Before that little mole became all you saw. Before being cheated on by someone you trusted your life with. Before letting your thoughts stray to someone else. This was before pretending to like baseball. Before wishing he’d enjoy dancing, and sitting through musicals just to make her happy. “I love you” was enough before other “I love you’s”. “I love you” was enough before you realized “I thought I loved you.” It was enough before long distance meant seeing each other once a month. Before moving to New York because this was her only chance, or him taking the job in Auckland. Before you realized you were never going to convert. This was before he was ready for kids and I wasn’t; and even before she wanted to get married and I still missed being a bachelor. It was before we were hurt so deeply, before we hurt others so selfishly. It was enough, until it you found out, it wasn’t.

Remember when “I like you” was enough?

Some Things

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

- Ann Landers

You - Part 007 : April 15th 2015

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you

The first song I've ever send it to you before it was released worldwide. A classic beauty that was covered. An arrangement that I did thinking about us. Sometimes, I don't know if our stars are just aligned or just some things are just meant to be.

It was simple. There was nothing else in the world that could matter. The quiet understanding, the acceptance, and also the forgiving. There are many circumstances I couldn't believe I would be able to look pass and let it go. But when things went wrong, all I could think of is I am thankful that the honesty we shared are strong. Today mark a special day for the both of us. Something that I never thought was possible.

The past 3 weeks has been crazy for either of us. It reminded me when things were crazy last year for us. You would write a lot just to distract me. And lemme get lost in it. Lost myself and I am no where to be found.

I find myself being able to let go. I didn't let myself drowned in a place where only I could reach. No more bleeding, no more hiding.

When there are times I felt hurt, but the worst part is there is no one to blame. There were times I feel that why choosing a life that held on to something that is just merely an idea. Things were grey and I would let myself feel every single cut. But love changes you. It lessen the burden, it trusted you with something that no words could ever describe. And you let it unwrap you and breathe you in.

I just wanted to be thankful, I just wanted to hold on to what I am breathing in. You've been there as a friend. Your weakness is just a mere part of life and the course of growing up. I am not settling for the less perfect, as all the imperfection reflects that I am in love with a human being. They say when you fell in love, your common sense is on holiday. You were always that someone to try for, and that someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be the reason to breathe.

I don't love you because I needed you. I need you because I love you. We are sure the worst, and we are sure the best. 

Malignant

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.

-  Kristin Armstrong

Hope - Part 007 : April 5th 2015

When there is a slightest bit of hope, don't you wanna know that? 

These are the most frequent question that almost everyone will ask me when I told them I really do not wanna know how my condition is and how things are at this very moment. There was one question that is burning in me to really wanna ask them back. 

Can you name the single worst, most malignant symptoms of terminal cancer? 

It's hope. It's recurrent. And it keeps creeping back in no matter how many times it gets ripped apart.

UM gave me hope in a phase 3 clinical trial. It failed.

NYU hope radio surgery would work. It didn't. 

And Cancer Institute Malaysia, has high high hopes for portent combinations of chemo and ablation. No go.

And every time the hope goes, it takes chunks of you with it. Until you can only find comfort in that ONE thing, that you know you can count on. 

They ask me why am I calm. I am not calm. I don't show doesn't mean I feel okay inside. They asked me to find comfort in a higher power. It's not that I do not believe. I only have this one question. Why would God let that happen, and I don't understand it. You can do everything right, and it doesn't even matter. Why.. I've been looking for answers for the past 7 years. 

There is a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the families left behind. We say. I'm sorry for your lost. It's a pad little phrase, and an empty one. It's doesn't begin to cover what actually is happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain. That dark, sinking relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that.

I know what it is walking into a hospital knowing that my condition is just a little to no chance of success. To do all the planning, treatments, and hoping and labor knowing in the end, it may amount to nothing, ven when it's impossible.But I know it is asked of me. If I can't do it, if I am not willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places, without stopping, even it seems impossible. I will never succeed. 

I can't get too close to just wanna give up. If I felt even a little of the love, the joy, and the hopes that my love ones are saying goodbye to, I wouldn't even able to function. Sometimes, I just wanna look you in the eye, tell you to " just take me home. Take me home, take me to bed and just hold me. "

That some little bit of support, some bit of peace, some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the mist of some place dark. An unexpected gift. Just when it needed most. That was that one thing that happened - You.

These few weeks hasn't been great for us. I know that you have been the light for me every single day. Keeping my smile going even when things are so bad. You kept my hopes up when I have lost them. You kept the optimism going when I have none to begin with.  You are the one thing good I have now. You are the one thing that keeps me from not believing things are bad. You are aart of that support that I always wanted on top of what I already had. You kept me going forward. 

But there is one thing I hope you'll read it here. The one thing you and I always avoided. If things goes the way we didn't expect to go... Remember this.. And I will keep on fighting on until I draw my very last breath of air. 

You have lost somebody. And you are hurting. But you will get through this. You can survive this. You are strong. It's okay. You are gonna be okay. I promised. And I will always be the one to tell you " Niey " before you go to bed. #3 always. 

Waiting Game

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work on Monday will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body. Some of you may have guessed that no news isn't always good news, especially in my world. It's been a rough couple of days - I'm not going to lie.

My lab work wasn't good. My CEA is up to 25.something. I can't even remember anymore. And, the more acute issue that I wasn't even aware of? My platelets are dangerously low.

When I went in to meet with my Dr on Saturday, it was pretty obvious we had issues. When they all walk in with "that look", you know it's not to share good news. While we are concerned that my CEA has spiked (which I hate hate hate hate), the platelets is a bigger issue. Typically, your platelet count should be at 150k. On Wednesday, mine were at 13k. They were pretty surprised that I was still standing. After some discussion, it was decided that I would have a transfusion of platelets, with the hopes that it would boost my numbers and jump-start my production.

As luck would have it, that didn't happen. The platelet transfusion was simple, about a 90 minute process from start to finish, once they had the blood type-and-screen done.

Decision was made to wait until Saturday (yesterday) to take blood again, to make sure my numbers bounced back to normal. I think we all assumed that my numbers would rebound.

When nurse walked in yesterday and said my Dr. would be in momentarily, I knew things weren't good. She let me down easily. My platelets were at 3k. 147k below where they should be. I didn't even know what to say. I was shocked. I had hoped that the numbers would rebound a little, not drop by 10k in 4 days.

To say I was upset would be an understatement.

During my meeting with my docs yesterday, it became pretty apparent that this is a huge issue. And, it's not just the fact that the numbers are low - the big concern is WHY the numbers are low. There appear to be a variety of reasons, which they are investigating.

They took 10 vials of blood from me yesterday (for a variety of tests, including 6 for a single send-out test to another lab). 10. I jokingly said that, if they stopped taking blood, maybe my numbers wouldn't drop so much. I don't think they found that funny, but sometimes humor is the only thing getting me through these obstacles.

I got a call last night that, after my transfusion yesterday, my numbers rebounded....a little. As of last night, they were up to 11k. It's better, but no where near where they need to be. And, apparently, my now my hemoglobin has dropped. I'm not even sure what that means, or what the next step for that will be.

This whole thing just sucks. I want to be mad, but there's nothing or no one to be mad at. That's very frustrating. I want to have some control over what's happening, even if it just means that eating something or taking something or doing something could help boost the numbers. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help my body do what it's supposed to do. That's infuriating.

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work tomorrow will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body.

I asked my Dr. yesterday....what happens next. She doesn't know. We had a brief talk about continuing with chemo, which seems to be doing more harm than good. That was a hard conversation for both of us to have. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I'm just voicing what goes through my head, and wondering where we go from here.

This just sucks. My platelets are being douchebags, and I can't do anything about it. I hate that.

I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that I can't go to KL, and I am missing you very much right now. Cancelling the trip sucked. It's just another reminder of how awful this is, and how little control I have over what's going on inside my body. And at times too, I can't help to ask am I even doing right by you for letting you be here with me. I am just so confused and I have no idea what else I could do. 

Thoughts And Love

I am thankful with everyone that who wrote to me. From friends to all the survivors out there. I think one thing we have in common that is we know that this will be a very lonely and tough path to stroll through. I am really sorry that I haven't had the chance to sit down and write back to all of you one by one. 

I promise once things are better, I will take the time to write back to each and everyone of you. I am just thankful I have all the blessings and prayers from y'all.

1. Nancy Nelson March 18, 2015 at 11:11 pm

   You are a survivor and such a trouper Ricky!!! Things will get better with time.

2. James and Susan Heldstab March 19, 2015 at 1:00 am

   Rick this is great that you are posting a blog. Our thoughts and prayers are with you! Keep up the faith:)
3. Darcy Fredrickson March 20, 2015 at 12:33 am

   Eric, so sorry to hear your news. Heard of your surgery and hope that all is well. You are a survivor and things will get better they just take time. Be patient and let your partner help you along the way. Hoping to see you out on that bicycle sometime this summer.
4. steven lambert March 21, 2015 at 1:08 am

   Sory to hear about the cancer .Hope everything turns out for the best.I AM SURE IT WILL.To help things a long I wll say a prayer for you.
5. Sue Cody March 24, 2015 at 1:20 am

   Hi Ricky,
   Wow so sorry to hear that you have to fight with this awful disease. Can’t believe it came up again so suddenly. You are a strong man and I know you will be able to kick this. You are a survivor alright! Hope to get down to see you sometime soon. Will you be doing treatments also? Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
6. Willis Lee March 25, 2015 at 2:12 am

   Glad to hear everthing is coming along for the best. I feel that you are a strong fighter. Follow the Doctors orders and pray and every will be alright. Willis.
7. Julie Monson March 25, 2015 at 4:36 am

   Hi Eric,
   I heard about the cancer from Jason. I’m so sorry you have to go through this AGAIN, but with the Lord and Leo on your side, you can face anything. You’ve always had a great attitude and I’m sure that your sense of humor makes it easier for all of you. Kevin & I have been praying for you. 

   Julie
8. Sister Barb March 26, 2015 at 12:55 pm

   Need an update, even though I talk to you somewhat regularly

   
   
9. Ilka Flood March 27, 2015 at 11:34 pm

   Hi Eric,

   I am so very sorry. That must be a scary feeling. You know, medicine has advanced so much in recent years and from what I read chances of surviving this form of cancer are pretty high when it is caught. So keep thinking positive!

   You are in my thoughts and prayers.

   Ilka
10. Steve King March 27, 2015 at 11:57 am

    eric, i am a computer idiot. finally found this to reply to you. i don’t think my emails to the frontier deal are getting through, also, i clicked on the contact button and sent you something in there. i hope you get it somehow, it was really good stuff, ha, ha.
    thinking of you all the time. read your “Live Today With My All Series” you are a very inspirational person.
    nothing can help you more than your attitude and you have the best. just wanted to let you know i’m trying to reach you dang it! guess i could call but never know when is best and my fingers don’t fit into that rotary dial anymore.
    take care and prayers are always being said.
    Steve
11. nick catricala March 27, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    Hey Eric,
    thanks for all your automatic emails messages about airliners… I am exploring your blog here and I come across this page… HOW ARTE YOU DOING these days? My wish is that you are doing well in every way and in the event that your health side is not going as great as you want… please connect with me… I have some info that may be of interest to you in regard to colon cancer (nothing to buy…)

    Thanks again for all your messages and look forward to chat with you in person soon.
    _nickc

    
    
12. John Rollow March 28, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    I just happened on your site here in the group and noticed the colon cancer tab. Where are the posts on your process with that?

    I am a colon cancer survivor. Spring 1996 diagnosed, had surgery, followed by chemo and radiation therapy. Have a colostomy. But healthy and cancer free (at least from that one).

    I’ve also had a heart attack and now diabetic neuropathy. And my life style keeps getting healthier and healthier as I learn more about what a healthy life style really is (altho my whole life was a pretty healthy one).

    Best of luck. Keep posting.

Time, Losing and A Relapse

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

- Marianne Williamson

Anger & Fear - Part 008 : March 25th 2015



I'm not afraid of moving on and letting go. It's just so hard to say goodbye to what I know. Especially when you know you have everything to lose. A relapse shouldn't be like a big deal any more after so many years, many may think.... But the fact is, it was never easy to even understand what went wrong. There were so much going on inside, that sometimes you feel like it is near impossible to even wanna let it all out. I'm looking out from the crossroads, and I wanna take a breath and close my eyes. But what makes this time even harder than the past? 

When my oncologist called and told me to come in, I already had that sick feeling in my stomach. Few weeks ago, when I see bruises on my arm, or under my armpits, bleeding while brushing my teeth, or just nose bleeding out of no where, to many these are just harmless occurrence that happens all the time. But these are the markers and red flags for me. I went back to her and she told me that there is nothing to worry and my stats are looking good. And now she said I needed attention immediately. I don't even have a week to think about when is the best time to start treatments. I lost it.. I told her she screw up.. but is that enough to make it go away?

There are things that we have in life that we wanna hold on to. There are the people that you never wanna let go. But at times like this, everything went into a grey area. I use to be clear of what I wanted. But what do I want? What can I do to make everything better? For him and also family and friends? I can't put myself in the right place to see what is next from here. 

I know this will never be over soon. But what can I do..... I wanna hold forever..... I don't wanna give in..... but what else can I do.... 

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

Away From Reality?

"Tell me all your secrets
Tell me your fears
I won’t push you away
I’ll only pull you near
No, I won’t judge you
I’mma help you through."

- Sia Fuller

Frustration  - Part 005 : February 26th 2015

There are so many things going on lately I just got no idea where should I even start. There are so many things that put me in a position to actually think about what are the things that is for me. Or should I say for us.

At times, I see life in a way it is so precious. Living with cancer is one thing that force you to actually see things the way it is. No short cuts, no running away. And saying that, I wanna surround myself with the positive people around me. I see from time to time, there will be some people that walked into my life, and right there and then, I just cut them off. One thing I realize, life is too short to even waste my life on those that doesn't cherish what they have. Yes, I do not deny that it really irritates me.

I am living with cancer, a handful or people I love and care for are suffering from terminal illness or even some living with an incurable condition. I was an addict. No.. I should say, I am an addict. I am 17 months clean now, but the crave will always be there. It is something worst than living with cancer. I have to admit that even I don't want to. The question is, there are so many of us are trying to live the right way, not running away and face our demons.

So, the question is, how would you feel when you are trying to do things right, and you see those around you that keeps throwing everything away? Yes I wouldn't deny that everyone yearns for something. But how does it gives a person to throw away a temple of good health when they just felt about their life doesn't go the way they wanted.

I have so much I wanted to write down right here. But I am not going to. Life is one thing I find it beautiful when you know what is the definition of life. You will never have what you wanted, but you will be given what you can handle. All you gotta do is be patient. I waited for a whole 4 years. And I found my anchor.

I am signing off for now heading off to China for a short alone trip. Time to clear my mind and recharge. And here is one thing I wanna share with all of y'all.. And to the special one : " A lot a lot, and muscle. Everyday and every minute... " :)

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

Fear & Life

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

- John Lennon

Fear - Part 006 : February 4th 2015



There are times when things are just spinning out of our control. There are so many things that we can think of avoiding these but fact is, it will never be in our grasp. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know a fact that whenever I am around him, I could totally forget that I am living with cancer. To a certain point, it is a good thing for me. I feel like I am living. But sometimes, I asked myself who am I fooling? Even if I felt that way, fact is, there will never be anything normal to begin with. Maybe this is the part that I love. He never see me as a sick person. I feel like I am living a life that is what meant to be lived. 

I won't deny from time to time, the burden I am carrying is heavy. I know I don't have to. But to a certain extend, it will always be. They say when you lose everything, let it be physical attachment, emotional attachments, or even monetary aspect of things. I think that I am now at a point where I know whatever I am doing, I can't fail in doing it. I think it's a healthy part of our relationship. We k now where we wanna be, and where we are heading towards. But sometimes, I just wanted the end result so bad, I just beat myself up inside. I can't get over the part where time is what I don't have. 

I do not know what is next, but I know where I wanna be next. I think there is a part of me that kept wanting to runaway from reality, that we are now having so many vacations. To a point where I know when I am having my time with him, I could lie to myself that I am just as normal as everyone else. But now lies the question of how long more could I run away from? I am now at a point I need to face my demons. Yes, I do fear. I fear that everything will change. I fear that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. A relapse after another is torture. But what can I do about it? It's been so long I've been living like this. Even though the game has change, one thing that will not change is the fear. It isn't the fear of the end, but the fear of what will things be if things goes the wrong way? 

One thing I could agree with a common saying, 

You got nothing else to lose when you don't have anything else to lose. 

It is true, but that doesn't apply when you are with someone else. You feel you got everything to lose. Today marked the third month since we fell in love with each other. Time flies, but there wasn't a day went by that I do not fear of losing everything. And yes, I will not deny now that I have everything to lose. It isn't about what physical or even monetary lost, but what you hold dear to your heart. Now I fear that I might lose the battle against cancer one day. What will happen if I do? 

There are so much more in life that what we hope for. But I am questioning if that hope is enough? Love drives you, but life, well.. Sometimes, life is just being a bitch. I am lost in a way. There are things that I wanted to make right where I know I couldn't just push the speed of it. I read about case studies that now medical studies had successfully deactivate the HIV virus. Of course these are great news to me as there are a few that I hold close to my heart are living with it. But everyday, I looked up on my google alert, there is near to zero on a thing for a cure to cancer. Put aside the terminal patience, for those who are living with it, I know it was never easy. But why... Is it too much to hope? 

I know I'm spiraling, but how would I able to stop? How would I even could for a minute just wished that it has a hope for living without it? The future made a lot of sense to me right now after having you in my life. But how could I achieve it? I need a way. I need hope.  I needed something to hold on to. I need that future. 

I need the fear to just let me go..