Insanity & Sanity

I let myself go for the first time in a long time. Nothing really matters or really reflect what was going on in reality. Many may say this isn't something healthy to do. I agree, but this is a part of me that I can't deny. From all the voices that is around me, everything is just sums up into what I wanted it to be. At a brink of that, I realize, what am I doing?

Even writing this I feel like I am a mad person. A lot of things doesn't make sense at all. Rationally, things are just noises to others, but it somehow like a vibe that is flowing through. And every song I played on my playlist doesn't make sense at all now.

Am I trapped? or am I just losing my sanity. Tears kept flowing and every inch of rage, pain, frustration, happiness, grief, sadness just became words of a language. It could be put down in my manuscript. The little notes on the clefs comes to live. It was something I couldn't actually explain how things works but it just does. And the more I was feeling, I was flooding myself from within. And I didn't know I was sinking till a song strike me in that hallow. I started to crumble.

I wasn't in pain, I wasn't having any sense of my physical self. It seems that I was as if disconnected to my body. It was like me stripping off every single layer and letting myself to surface. Feeling naked and that vulnerability wasn't there at all. Everything that was broken didn't seems to bother me at all. It was surreal, it was my safe haven.

But no matter how it felt,  rationality is a reality of balance that doesn't fit in at all. And when I started to see it that way, things from right went wrong. I was putting myself there to feel more than I can cope. From moments of Eli wasn't there at JFK Terminal, to the night when James told me that I have to forgive myself and move on on Christmas eve. I was losing everything. It was years and I was breathing, it was years and I still remember it, and it was years and I woke up to nothing that I was. I didn't wanna be sober, I wanna be in that realm that was feeling so right yet surreal. But where is it now?

The incompatibility of these two worlds doesn't really help me to cope. But in ways, I felt lost in reality. I couldn't accept at that brink of time that was I still sane or was I really living in insanity. Stood there naked in the dark, wasn't sure what I should do. All I could do was just breath. Close my eyes and keep breathing. Wishing when I open them, everything would be ok again.