My World

I went through life today. Trying to look for myself. Back to the very basic. I am thankful to have friends that wants to go through with me. Especially Cornflakes who put down his work just to spend brainless time with me. Even Mr D drop by. There are so much that trapped within me. I wish I could make the difference to see life at a lighter way. Life can be very simple. But yet emotions are something that you couldn't just explain how things goes. I started writing back at Rickism which I really don't want to. Somehow it was just too much to handle for me. I wish I am heartless, I wish I could just put everything down. I felt the betrayal and the cuts of lies. The anger could not arise. I wanted to speak out to my angels. I wanted to reach out to them. But just no words are able to be said. I am simply just too tired to go on. Everything is just unreal. I felt trapped behind close doors. I just could not speak of it.

With all these event said, I should not leave out the good parts in life. Thanks to Mr G, he found me someone that resemblance me when I was younger. I am thankful to have found someone to help me with the musical. I met up with him last night and we had the longest discussion on what our plan will be. We love the fact that we share about passion in music. His pieces has his own identity. Which is hard to come by nowadays. I know things will be tight and crazy for us. But with our passion we shall see greatness.

Besides that, I felt helpless. I am just gonna briefly put this to a rest. Helpless to see so much a person in my life going through. And I knew I wasn't able to do anything to change that fact. I felt ashamed of myself. Whenever help is needed, I wanted to reach out. But I was just too afraid to make it worst. I know distance was an issue for me. I know I couldn't be physically there. And every time it seems he was a stronger soul. I am giving a standing ovation on that to him. The moment I wanted to hide, it seems he knew something was not right. How can I be so weak? This has been going on for so long. Life has been treating me well. I have nothing to complaint life treating me badly. But the turmoil in me that leads me to so much negativity.

Even a close friend of mine, now like a stranger. Building within. I tried to communicate. But I couldn't get a moment that he is sober. I am afraid. Afraid to live in such paranoia a person could become. This leads me hiding in my very personal space. I knew I given up on that hope which will never come.

I know at this moment I needed help, but no one is able to help me. I need to find my own way. I know I have a hand full of angels would cheer me up and talk to me about this. But this is a fight I am fighting with my own devil. I look into the mirror, I don't see anything. Not even my own. I felt weightless. I wanted to hand myself over. But I know I can't. It is a fight I have to do it my own. Life is life. I need to discover that self to go on.

It somehow came to me when I was observing the people around me. Random ones. During breakfast, some contented in life, some live in denial, some with grudge, some with helplessness. From that moment on, I knew it was my own fight. Even to my love ones, I couldn't just let it go. I know I have to get myself together. Yes it was not an easy job, I am struggling myself. But this is not a choice I can make. This is just a phase every single men need to go through. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my big 3, I miss everyone that matters to me. I wish I could be myself again. I really do. But my world now is just filled with fog. The darkness arise once a while, but I don't see the it all the time. Till the fog clears, this is my world. This is what I am living in. I miss everything in life. I wish I can find a better place in my world to keep sharing my love. But only time can tell. Only time.