Breaking

The only thing today that made me smile was the promo video of our production.
Lying here on a strange bed. I was trying to find some peace with my own. 
At points today I couldn't even sit up to start with. I don't know what is going wrong with me. 
I am feeling a lot of cutting edges from within. Beside blogging and looking at the news feed from Facebook, I couldn't do much. Starting to feel a little helpless as I was.


I look out from the window, the evening skies is so beautiful. 
I wonder again, how long will it last? The other person lying beside me is having way much more pain to handle compare to what I am going through. I close my eyes and telling it is ok.
I ask my mother to leave me alone today. I couldn't bare her to see me this way. 
Even I know there is way much more she could do but I just don't want her to see me this way.


At times I wonder how long more I need to actually do this. Eventually I will get tired and just don't wanna do this any more. But there will always is a but. I wish somehow there isn't at all.
Trying to keep things positive for myself, I am now listening to Coming Home by Gwyneth Paltrow. 
Somehow it gives me the warmth whenever I am feeling down.
I will be going on meds in a few hours. Hopefully I would stop all the sensation which is going through me now.


Yes, I am still thinking about you. Somehow I felt I was just naive enough to kinda do something stupid.
All I could do is looking at twitter waiting for some news.
And the versa " I am finally coming home " came playing. It made me think where is really home for me?
I know somehow I don't wanna put up with all these tune. It is beautiful and yet strong in words. 
And I know that it was the time of breaking. For the first time for the longest time, all the strength in my body is like being vacuum out from. The only thing I could move is my head and fingers. 
The body felt the coldness of an old friend. Closing my eyes, I am telling myself repetitively,

I cannot break. Not at times like this. Waiting for all the pain to go away. I know I will see you again. Soon. Real soon...