Listening to Procol Harun's Whiter Shades Of Pale, I let loose of my emotions. Knowing that tonight will be the night I would have seen the lighter sides of things in life. Somehow this song reminds me so much of Mr D. I don't why my tears kept flowing. I read on the medications side effects. I felt helpless. The fear in him that was never being told. His pain is continuous. Emotionally I do not know how would I able to hold him together. I wish somehow I would be able to give something back to him. He has such a beautiful soul and I wish I would be able to make things better. Looking at the stars. I look up and saying a prayer. Only You would know what I wanted. I hope this wish would be answered. I really hope it does.
Looking back, I didn't know why I was in such pain when it really doesn't matter to me at all now. I feeling kinda angry at myself to be honest. I let all that issue flow. And I held on to this. In fact now, all those harsh action doesn't really bother me. I know now why all my emotions are in such mess. I held on to work and numb myself with it. Today somehow I know what my pain cost. Even things we so different. A friend did ask me one thing. Am I in love with a particular someone or I am just in love with the idea of being in love. I guess all is answered.
No matter how hard I tried to push myself away from that idea, I know the heart misses you every single day. The heart couldn't lie that things were the same. When you were around me, The feeling of being so safe was real. Looking at you while you were asleep. You are like this little baby. I never wanted to wake you up but just looking at you. I dare not even touched you. Fearing that you would wake up to this cruel world. But I know things gonna be fine. At least now you are at a better place. No pain, no fear, but just the beauty you see in your dreams. I know it is just all the love would seems unreal to you whenever you wake up to this world.
Honestly I do not know what I am feeling now. I do not fear, I do not worry and I do not feel sadness. Just in a very neutral grounds. Listening to this song. Made me go into thinking. What really matters to me? What do I really wanted. What can I really do to make this change for him. The answers will slowly unfold I tell myself. Like how the lyrics of this song. So many layers in terms of meaning. It was not just sounded like the lyrics. It has the substance of it. I guess it just suits me tonight. The love was real and will keep on burning. I know that how I really felt. And somehow I know its an answer that I will never know.
We skipped the light fandango
turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
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