Pain

I wanna scream, I wanna shout. I am really in a lot of pain at this moment. I thought that coming back here in the states to do treatment alone would be a better form of choice. But at this moment, I needed a hand to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. Since last night laying in the hospital bed. I wanted to sleep so bad for the first time in my life. But it was excruciatingly painful experience. Looking at my phone and I wanted to reach out to a few angels of mine. But I held back. I have no idea why. Looking at Anthony's number, I know he will wanna have some quality time with his family since it is a public holiday. Looking at Nell's number, we talked today but I got no courage to tell her I am in pain. Looking at Andrew's number, I know he is sick and needed time off to deal with his matters in life and needed that holiday since he is working out station at the moment. Looking at Se Young's number, he has a family to be with too and I owe him that. Looking and looking. I just put my phone aside, switch on my paddy and email Cyril. As calming as he is, just one sentence.

Be Strong. You will feel better in no time.

I am glad to have these buddies around. But deep down, the pain is killing me from the inside. I really don't know how to explain in words. My fingers are cold, feet are cold. Where should I go?
Where should I turn to? Do you feel my pain? Do you see me crying out for salvation?
Somehow I can't hold on that longer. Should I call for morphe? The doctors will be more than glad to give it to me. Why am I still standing? Why am I still that strong when my body weakens?
Why? Why? Why?

I am just extremely tired to bare the pain. I thought I will not have put on that mask since I got back. But still, it is intact. The expression did not show signs. But I am in pain. Please help me. Please... please...