When Will It Ends

On Christmas day, then only thing that came into my mind was memories.
I drown into the deep mist and somehow I fell hard. And what I meant fell was literally fell down. And guess where I did fell from? On the stairs down from American Airlines B757. No one pushed me or I was clumsy or whatever. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed in Miami I guess. It is only 10.14am now on Christmas day and I am already check into the medical centre. Somehow I got so much to let out. But somehow I can't do it here any more. The reason why is still a mystery.

I am just going to keep it at the most surface of things. My heart was really heavy today. Somehow reflecting and reflections of my past, present and future has caught me. I felt lost and I was holding back suddenly. To be honest, pain was there for some time but I know I can handle it and I promise my bestie Cyril I will not stratch it and will take a step at a time. Nell, I know you will be reading this too. Please worry not. It is just something I was expecting to happen last few weeks that didn't. I am still capable of holding everything together and please do trust me. You will see me soon enough for your own eyes.

Emotional part is something which bothers me. Cyril, I am feeling that what you felt. Even more alone than ever. I really don't know where to go. Can I just fall on a shoulder and let me cry? I am so tired to hold on strong and stand strong. All I ask is just someone who knows how I am coping and I just wanted to be seen as a normal human but not superman or some villian who does magical spells. And talking about this, another part of a different memory flows into me. Lonesome Christmas. And what more can I be feeling? Marcus has left. I wanted to convince myself but how? Even scarier memories flows in.

Anyway, even where I am, I know since beginning it was a lonesome fight alone. I am having those PMS days I guess. I miss you very much. Maybe many be confuse at this point. But Nell, you know who I am talking about. Somehow I felt like I deserted myself. I know all of you wanted me to be positive and all, but let me indulge with all this pain for one night. Somehow this lessen my physical pain. Even make me easier to pass the time that having only physical.

Before I sign off for my rest, I got this beautiful picture I took in Miami. It reminds me so much of your warm smile and that cheerful warm eyes to affirm me that things gonna be ok. I remember the night you were lost and holding your heart. Somehow telling me everything will be alright. I know you are sick with my thank you and I am not gonna say anything. Of all people, you know how I feel now. I know all I can do is write it down here. As I know when you read this it will be all over and I will be well.

Signing of with love,

Eric Carter Hah