Talk The Talk But Could I Walk The Walk?

Lying on the bed the whole day. I was really thinking about the things I have said in the past. But sometimes, I believe many will agree with me that could we do what we encourage others or consoling them? I talk on a great honour but could I really take up that what I have said? I am not really sure.

Somehow being here doesn't help me at all. I know this is inevitable but what else can I do? The negativity is flowing through me and I am helpless. The more I stay the more my thoughts runs wildly. Back to the topic, somehow an honest answer NO, I can't do it at this moment. Sometimes, I felt I am trying so hard to let them in. Yes I felt better with the support and encouragement. But the burden flows in. I will always still the the burden. At points, I really feel like just do what I do best. - Disappear.

Yes many of you after reading this will even hate me even more. But it is just an honest confession. I really wish I never needed to do this. In many ways, I felt guilty. Guilty of keep pushing a friend that needed is a little care and love. I know that the society issue is something that needed time and education to change. But I have been harsh. I was being inconsiderate.The intention of it wasn't bad. But I didn't really stand in his shoes to say anything. I stood at my own point of view. I officiate my apology publicly here. I wasn't thinking on your stressed that you were facing. I didn't really felt your pain. But I wanted you to know I didn't meant any harm.

With now on my own, where my road will lead? Honestly, I do not know. I am now at a cross road. And I can't decide. Yet decision is to be made. The only question left was when will it be? I don't know. Time will tell. I really am embarrassed with what my actions were. I talk a great talk of acceptance. But I couldn't accept the fact myself. I know, life goes on.

For now, all I prayed for is your wellness. Still waiting for Batman's mail to come. I really wish there is something could do to make this different for. As of myself, decision will be left hanging for the time being. Drained myself out from Kelly's all 5 albums. Looking back at the journey from beginning till this very moment.

But glad somehow I could get things off my mind for a little while. Waiting for my second shot at the moment, trying to let all negativity out. Deep down I always know the only thing I wanted is being well. Living on is a promise. Giving in is unacceptable. I will just have to hold on there till the world begins at the very end. I know I am being loved and cared for. But some what still afraid of the unknown.

And today on facebook. people are starting to post on valentines day. The one I really fear for. Going into the third year, will I able to overcome it this year? I don't know. I tried last year but failed. I do not know will I even wanna try this year. Lets keep the option open shall we? For now, I am still feeling the failure of giving hope. A hope when I myself wasn't able to do it myself. Maybe after my rest I will be alright. Lets see how it goes. Heading off to bed again soon. Maybe I am purely tired.