Blessed & Filled With Love

After a strings of drama by my brother's car, I ended up having our first reunion dinner with my family. I always believe everything happen for a reason. I honestly do think I am very blessed, no, I am too blessed! With the extended family from my mother's family, two big tables. But the main attraction of attention stays with my family. Everyone was like having a discipline dinner in jail or something. My family are like the rebels. Loudest and doing everything out of the norm. I guess this explain my usual attitude. And I am not complaining at all. Everyone were looking at us and somehow like we are these weird exotic animals.Then out of no where, one of my mother's cousin asked why are the 6 of us so close? (Including my brother's girlfriend). We just look at them and seriously, how could we ever explain that without sounding like a bitch? See!! I told you guys sometimes it is so hard. If we were to be honest, people will think that we are bitches. But we just smile and brush off and continue with what we do.

Honestly, I am happy and blessed as my family accepted me being gay and everything. All they wanted is my well-being. My youngest brother Elvin was sorta like staying away from the cousin of ours who is utterly nonsense when he got drunk with one cuppa beer. He was really a mess. And I find my brother kinda cute being his own kinda bitch! It runs in the family! Then outta no where, he turn to me and said,

"Kiko, he is like so gay!!! I can't even stand the way he ask me about the things that usually girls ask me. Even you are gay you are like all sorta cool and even your gay friends are cool and awesome. He is like NONSENSE!!"

Elvin is 17 this year. And seriously, the only reaction I wanna give him was a big hug! But in the same time, it was funny! I really felt so touched he could even openly talk about this kinda things. The night went on and more and more interesting things happen. I overheard my father and mother talking to my other brother (Ernie) and his baby (JiaJia) Explaining that why being gay is nothing wrong. It wasn't a choice to be made by me. And no matter what, family should be supportive and happy on whatever decision I made in my life as like I was supportive towards both of them. I seriously am now overwhelm with the joy and love shared by my family. And daddy even says he hope that I would find someone deserving for me and if we decided to get married, he will be there like he did always. I tear up and i pull my youngest brother out to company  me for a cigarette to compose myself.

Love does really makes wonders. But I really do not know how to explain myself. I should be feeling extremely happy with this. But somehow there is like something missing. I am not saying I am not happy. Just something is not there to complete this. Love has no judgement, no discrimination, no race, no age, no gender, no illness, and no boundaries.

I know there are so much love from my family and friends that have shown me. But today I just somehow couldn't run away from the fact the lack of the love I am yearning for in life. The person to grow old with. I know memories are meant to be memories. But today, I felt I was an idiot to have washed the love I had into the drain. But that is a love too sacred for me to hold. He deserve someone better. But yes, I miss the time when we were in love. After I have move on from that, when I fell in love again, I have love a person who is still raw with this. Somehow it doesn't fit the whole picture. The things we wanted in life are different. But glad we didn't burn, we are still close and being supportive with each others decision. And then, another one  is a love that will I never to hold on as the decision was never mine to make. He is much deserving a love that he dream of. I know I will not fit into that picture with him. I am not good enough to make him felt loved and safe. I know I have made the choice of that months ago. I know definitely I am doing this all right.

Maybe is the emotions with all the emo songs playing in the background make me feeling it. Relatively yes I am feeling kinda lonely with Kelly's voice singing some jazzy tunes. I am happy with what I have now and what I am doing. But sometimes, I tend to forget what I am, just a normal human being. Whenever I reflect this, everything flows in. I would be lying if I say I am not thinking of ways to keep you safe and happy. I would not go further about this.I definitely know if you were to read this, you would even walked out and feel I deserve more than this. But if you were to really walk out from me, I will never ever will even forgive you. You promised that you will not judge me. I kept mine that I did not. I will say this again, I decide and manage my own life. I am doing everything on my own accord. I am not expecting anything at all from you but just your well-being. Damn this is hard to make it not obvious! Damn I miss Andrew now, he is always the best to help me make things blurred! Where are you when I need you?! hahaha.. but back to the story, yes I am just doing what I wanted to.

In many ways, even with what I am now, I am really happy. I have had a love which I always dream of. Yes I screwed up, but yeah, everyone makes mistakes in life. But I am kinda content with myself now. Somehow sometimes when I think back of what I had I wanted you to have that. Now I am talking about Mr D. you Now I feel light headed after a few bottles of reds with my family. I am so having faith to finish this post. Mr D, of all people in my life now, you are way on the top of my list! So spare me with your nonsense and embrace your bitch to make life beautiful for ya. All I really want you is have some faith. Not in any other things in life. But yourself! I shall not elaborate here. I know you would kill me. I still love you very much even you gonna chop me into pieces! Hahaha...

Oh my god, somehow I find even what I wrote is confusing now. Which is which? haha.. that is the whole point isn't it? Anyway, back to me. I don't know what could I even say, sometimes, when things build up so much in the inside, I just do not know how should I put in down in words. In many ways, I am complete with what my life is now, having Mr D and the big three, with all of you here, I know I should be content. But all I really wanna be tonight is indulge with the emotions with Kelly's voice and cry. Cry of happiness or loneliness, I seriously couldn't tell. I am kinda feeling the alcohol driving me light headed but sober at the same time. Honestly, I miss love and being love. Just overwhelm really with the love my family shared with me. I guess now my journey this side of my life is completed and I should be building a new one for another journey. To where? I do not know, but time will unfold itself. And while browsing facebook today, I saw this loving couple who are just sharing their love and it is really warmth to me. When many ask me when would I have this? I would just smile and say, I had it, and I know how beautiful it is~