Pain No. 4

Of all the time, my old friend - Pain, decided to come back for a visit.
I know first things first Cornflakes will be worry dead about me. But I am well.
No excessive bleeding yet at the moment. Just some slight bleeding. It comes and goes. That makes it very irritating. I know that even the slightest irritation question if appear on facebook I will definitely snap. I haven't been able to sleep well last night. And for god's sake, I am writing this post at 5.32am now.
I wanted to get home so bad. Very bad actually.
I was really anticipating for this. Sometimes, I wonder why whatever I do in life. Nothing comes smooth.
Does it ever accured to me that I don't wanna do this any more? Yes, all the time. But a promise is made to my angels. I know somehow I gotta continue doing what I do. Even how hard the road may be, I still have to continue going down this road. But if there is a higher power, I would just ask for something. Please spare me some mercy. I am really really tired and all I wanted is some peace. Please let me not bare this any more.
Whatever flows into me now, plus the loneliness of the night. Knowingly the person I love is far away from me.
What can I do? what can I do to make myself better? I kept telling myself no more crying this year. It will be a great year for me. But suddenly just few hours time, the sensation of excruiating pain brought me down.
How can I ever do anything? People will see this as a weak link of mine. I have so much more to do. I just set up St. James Foundation.  I need to be there to witness the greatness of what this will do to make a difference to those who suffer. Every single minute, I know they are being tortured mentally and emotionally. What would be my physical pain meant? Nothing at all. I know no where near I would stand close to their pain.
But why am I feeling so vulnerable? why am I feeling do down? Looking around wanted to know who is there. Just me and myself beside the fireplace. Still the emptiness lingers around. With all I have done, I am just a puppet holding on a smile to cheer the world. Looking at the fire dancing around, the Cheezle box untouched. I sink into my own mist of depths. Lingering into my own realms of darkness. Knowingly waiting for a sunrise that will never come. Left alone.