Paranoid

I'm actually suppose to write about Barbieland on this post. But I think that can wait. There I was browsing through twitter as usual. And here I was at one hottie's account. So pandai lah me. Go browse through his photo.

It was actually nothing much. Until I came across some pictures. I saw bongs. It wasn't really anything. It was fine at first but soon after, my mind starts to wonder. Memories starts flowing in. All those dark days when I under the influence of drugs. It wasn't really the memory that made me paranoid. But that sudden urge of wanting it.

It was stirring from inside, wanting just one drag of it. Just one puff. And I know, it will only take me one puff to get hooked back on it. It's been 14 months now since I stopped using it. What made me really scared was myself. I was wanting it that bad. And for the record, it was my second time quitting it. I was a long user that measured by years.

The emotions that was stirring up in me. That wanting of something! That part really freaks me out. And here I am thinking how screwed up I was during that time. Sometimes, what they say is really true. An addict will always be an addict. Even I have stopped using, when the urge arise, it just made you wanting it so bad. And I knew I meant it. Lucky enough for me, it was time for my meds and the least, the nurse could medicate me and I will be able to get some rest for now.

Trying still to let go of that urge. And I know, I'm still not in control of saying no. It was afterall just a picture and it stirs up the darkest side of myself.