No Idea At All

I have been staring at the screen for like the longest time ever. I guess one of the best thing in life is trying not to think about what we are going through. I know. It is easier said then done. Somehow when you are upon what you are going through, we tend to just get lost in the mist of it.

I finally sneak out from my ward today. Went to MBS and bought something. Something I always wanted my mom to have. I got it, I wanted to actually spend more time there but in the end, I started to feel my body isn't at it's right condition. Took the MRT back and here I am. Sitting here since 3pm. I don't actually know how is my body coping but I think I can't run from that reality any more. My left arm seems to lose a lot of it's energy some how. I feel the pain while I was moving it and all. But what else could go wrong right? I know I am so gonna get screwed by my dr tomorrow when she visits for sneaking out.

But what is going through my mind now are all the "what if" questions. I couldn't help wonder that how things would actually be. Maybe it's the meds talking but I just couldn't help how I feel about it. I will be resuming my radiotherapy in the morning. Sigh.. What a way to start my day.

I know that I am not suppose to complain about it. I should be bless with what is going through me. I know that being alive is one of the greatest blessings. But I am still human. I still feel the despair and all. I was talking to dumdum today. And he kinda ask me

Ricky, have you ever thought of just letting it go? I just don't know how would you hold that up for so long.

Honestly, I wasn't holding up too well. I have one of those days. And yes, I felt like just letting go every time I am going through all this crap. But the thing is, I really got no choice. Seeing the family and friends who were with me all this while, what choice do I actually have? There are so much emotions going through... But sometimes, it really does seems like no one would actually know that how it really felt to just holding it on.

Anyway.. the only person who knows how I feel is going through so much at the moment. Just somehow missing him a lot. Looking at the phone, and in the end, still didn't made that call or even text. Guess it is just me being me.. Really hate myself sometimes. Well, really sorry to waste most of your time reading all this kinda ranting. Just needed to let it out somehow.