The Final Draw?

Finally, back to the same old familiar bed with random people around, I kinda wreak myself into pieces. Holding on to some thing that I myself couldn't possibly handle - Health.

A friend of mine trap me and made me stay for treatment. And in the end, I gave in and took the courage to call my mom for it. Seeking some advice and told her the situation I am in at the moment. Arrangements are made, and now is yet another countdown for another procedure to be taken place. This time with my old psychiatrist Dr Phang Cheng Kah. Thinking back at the time 2 years back, he told me this that depression will come back and that point, I was optimistic about it won't come back. But resulted that he was right.

In many ways, I have taken things too personally and I have too high expectation that sometimes I can't even achieve. But this isn't a blaming game to me. I know that when you are at the top, the responsibility is there. I am taking it all up as I am as a man. No excuse given. Being at this point, I look at myself in the mirror and there is only one question, why don't you love yourself more?

Given the fact now that what Dr Phang says, you have to accept that you can't do everything all by yourself. And when it back fired, you have to give yourself some space to accept you aren't perfect. Now that is something new to me. I felt like everyone is just hearing me but not listening. It is not the things I do. It is me who is killing me from the inside. Until Mr D, came into the picture. I know that it took so much from the heart to write such thing to me. I know every word is from your heart. But the fact is running away isn't what I am seeking for. I wanted to stay here. This is home. You got me every point like a bull-eye but I couldn't let go. I know I should. I know what are the results I wanted. But how for me to get there.

The intensity of my emotions is overwhelming but do I have the way to have an output? The time that intensified me now is making me losing grounds. What did I do to myself? Why don't I wanna pull out the final draw?

I guess these words show me what I am and where I am heading.

Your characteristic of self less love is what you are all about. Would it make you happier if you stop caring more for others? Well we only have one life and it's my view that we should enjoy everyday of it cause you never know when would be your last. Especially you. So it should be a choice of whether I wanna live the life I wanted which makes me happier or I could do other wise. Please don't let darkness shroud your clarity. You have seen the light in past few months. 

I do not know what should I say after this.