The Longest Time Ever

It has been the longest time ever since you have called.
The last time I hear your voice was 4th July 6.40pm. 
Hearing to your voice means so much to me. Eventhing seems so calm when I hear your voice.
In a moment there, I wish to tell you how much I've missed you and how can I ever think of letting you go last time. I was stuupid. I was naive.
But I didn't became smarter. When you told me you will visit me on friday.
I am so scare for you to see my current condition.
I am too skinny to be a healthy man. You will not believe me if I tell you I am fine.
But baby, I don't wanna put more pain to you.
I love you.. and I know you loved me very much..
I have to get well, to love you, to carry you, to hold you.
And the utmost, I have to take all your pain away from you.Those that I have caused.
I am really really sorry and the guilt in me is really killing me in every second of my life.
Baby, I really love you. But I will be well soon.

After your called, I am just looking at Elmo with the word "Baby J" on the label,
Holding it close to me, againts my heart, Baby, I don't know what I can do to let you have some peace.
I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't wanna hurt you anymore.
Baby, how can I do so? I have already given you a hell lot of trouble.
The least is I owe you some peace and love.
I really do not know what is the right thing to do.
Someone please help me. God, Help me, show me how should I love someone who love me so much.
Hiding behind all these words is not helping at all.
I keep on blogging here cause I know this is a place he will never reach to see.
I let everything out and I let it flows here, and I know I have a battle to fight.
After that there is still a long long way to go.

Baby, I meant my birthday wishes to you which I have written in korean.
This journey will be long, and hand in hand we will go through all this. It is just a phrase.
I know it is. I love you with everything I have.
I am also human, I made mistakes, and I am learning from it.
I am not asking you to forgive me now baby, but I just want you to know,
If I ever say I am not wishing for a second chance, I am lying.
Cause I know I love you and I do not wanna lose you.
I am very scared at this point in life, but you are one of my sources of strength for me to keep it going on.
Besides my family, you will be the only person I wanna spend my life with. God knows what will be for us ahead, but I know I will always be yours faithfully.

I really wish to see you now baby, but I really do not have the courage to let you see me this way.
I am really trying my best to be well, but I can't control my body.
Baby, I am really happy that you called me, but I am really sorry that I blew up my chance to even talk to you more. I miss you very very much. This is the first ever blog I have written from the beginning till the end, my tears were flowing out. I love you very much and I am really sorry for everything that I have done.

Baby, would you ever forgive me?

Baby J and me~