Unbearable Cravings.

Today seems fine, it has been raining here non stop.
In many ways, I wish that it would be sunny.
I still miss you baby, Very very much.

Today after my dialysis I will be able to go home on thursday.
Somehow there are a lot of things I have been craving.
I am craving for food for a long long time now.
I miss enjoying food. I miss cooking. I wish this time round I won't throw up after eating.
It is really really suffering.
I miss having burgers, fried chicken, fries, and all those I love.

Seemingly, thinking about this, I miss that time I were to prepare every meal for you.
Thinking about how to balance your intake. Cooking things you love to eat.
Its like a big experiment for me. I miss that a lot.
And I realize how food can bring such joy in you.
I hope one day I will have that chance again if God permits.

Talking about cravings, what are the things that I am craving for?
Food? I can say that is a big part of it. I realize I am 12kg under my normal weight now.
I seriously need to put on more weight to get back where I use to be.
My inner feelings today is going well as far as I know for now.
I am trying to keep as positive as possible. Hoping in many ways that I will be at least peak at you somewhere when you are back here in KL.
All I would ask for now is just a glimpse at you to know you are well.

Why not meet you in person if that is so?
Cause I know, my baby is a person who do control well with his emotions.
And I think I should not disturb anything there at this point.
I know you will look perfectly fine when you see me, the happy and strong person you always be.
But deep down in your eyes, you are just crying as much as I do everyday.

This is the least I could do for you. I am really trying very very hard to be well and get a kick start.
There are so much we both have to deal with now. So many things that I have caused.
Things will go well. After being discharge, I am waiting for Solarwinds offer.
As far as I know, 2 sessions of phone interview I did well.
Will be waiting for one more stage on the phone and the last would be meeting them up.
I hope it will speed things up. I think by the calculations of everything.
I will manage to deal with all of it myself. But how am I able to tell you this?
Of course I would not let you do this by yourself, but somehow,
I really wish you would see me doing this is not because I want forgiveness or whatsoever,
All I really want you to see that I still love you and care for your well being.

When I saw you have a tummy upset, I do not know what to do.
Of course I know you are going to be well, you are a doctor and you know what to do.
Somehow, you are still that baby in my heart. Just that I can't reach out to you this time.
Even thou I really wish I could.

In terms of others, I still wish that you would forgive me one day.
I am really changing to be a better person, a better husband or wife,
I am paying my dues now. Somehow I just wish every night that everything will be ok again one day.
I misses facebook a lot, I miss my friends there. I miss being able to throw my emotions out as I do it here.
But for now, at least I know people who happens to read my blog are random.
And the least, it won't be you reading. In many ways, I really do not want you to feel I am seeking any attention from you or from any others who read this.

Blogging to be is to inspires ones mind and soul.
To share about the mistakes that I have done, sweet memories, loving moments,
and sharing the way of life I have lead. It is not perfect, but I am trying to be better.
I admit that I myself deserve all this pain. Cause I am the person who causes everything.
I started every single thing. And the only thing I am really sorry is hurting you baby.

To the people who read my blog,
Love someone with your heart, never think that sometimes it is for the greater good if you wanna hurt the person you love.
Cause in the end, you will only ended up hurting the one you love and yourself.
As much as I crave for your presents now here with me in the ward,
I know I am in no position to say a thing. I hope. I wish. That is all I can do.
For my love to you, I will keep myself going everyday.
Like I say, to lose this battle is not an option.
This is what is worth fighting for. You love.
Because you are in every single way, worth it.

I crave for you, Baby J~
(Holding Elmo close to me now)