Waiting Faithfully

Sitting in McDonalds in Bangsar alone. Waiting and hoping for James to come see me.
In many ways, I am wishing for him to come.
Maybe that this is the only source for me now keep my will going.
I know in many ways this sounded very stupid to many.
But I decided not to change myself.
Just as simple as I know I won't be happy if I changed.
I tried my very best to change. But I feel I do not wanna make myself more miserable.
I accepted myself as I know this is my strength and my weakness.

Dear readers, do not get me wrong. My family are as important as the one I love.
Balance is what I needed. But for now, I think it is best for James to see me when I can still walk and talk.
I text him earlier saying that I will be here the whole nite. But his reply gave me some warmth yet it is somehow hurtful to my heart.

::Baby, dun wait for me can? I won be goin. Although i miss you so much. I cant break down now. I need to work. I really wish that one day i could meet you with a lighter and brighter heart. You take good care there. You have pormised me.::

First of all that you still see me as you baby. Second you tell me that you misses me.
This has brought a lot of warmth to me. But the fact is you deny the chance to see me.
I understand what you are going through. I understand your pain.
But baby, I am not getting any well as time goes by.
I really do not wish at the moment you are ready to see me I am not able to talk or walk anymore.
I do not wish lying in the hospital and letting you see me that way.

I am not expecting you to forgive me or anything; but I just wish to see you.
I am really fighting every moment to live now. But somehow my body is the only thing I can't control now.
I do not wish this in many ways. I do not hope for this.
But somehow even you deny me of seeing you.
Tonight is my only night in KL. I will be leaving tomorrow morning.
And I am not sure what will I be in one week, a month or even after that, I dare not even think.

This is what I am able to do. I will wait for you. That is all I can do.
This night is going to be a long night. But I am willing to wait. because in every way you are worth to wait.
All I really wish is you would just take the courage to just have a look at me.
I wish you would come in many ways, before I am not able to see you anymore.

Tonight is the night in many nights I do not have to smell the smell of a hopital.
I can have a sense of freedom. I just wanna enjoy my time in the city that I love.
I am trying to wish for the best now. For my family, for you and for me.
Even we are so much different now not being together anymore.
But to me, I will not let go just like this. I have done my best in not contacting you.
But for you. I think it is best to see me now when I am still consider healthy.

And look at the worst senario that can come.
I wish you remember me this way rather than lying lifelessly on the hospital bed.
The least is saying our farewell in a manner that both of us can be well.
I love you very very much. But in so many ways, I still feel so much guilt about what I have done.
I think this is the best for you and me. For now.


Deep inside me, there is still a devil who lives within.
I sometimes question why and why I do not deserve a second chance.
Comparing to your past. In your past, the person you loved had been given so many chances.
I only knew twice, but you yourself told me there is more than that.
I feel so helpless. Or I am not good enough to have that second chance.

But I dare not even think more about this idea. Because I am not your ex lover. I am Eric.
I mustn't compare at all. I know what I have done is extreamly wrong.
I have taken up the courage to admit everything and taking every effort to change.
I am changing and I should face this punishment.
I should not say a single word from here.
I cannot even have the thought of that.
I have enough sin and it is time for me to change. I made a huge mistake.I should face this consequence.
This is what I have created for myself. I should take every thing I am going through in.

When I broke down two days ago, It was really miserable.
Life seems grey and hard in every way. I am seeing a Dr now for help.
Dr Pang from Hospital Kuala Lumpur. He is a psychiatrist and the Head of Department.
He is a very kind person. He is the reason why I have the courage to face this and ask James out.
Cause this is what I want. To see me when I am still ok.
Baby, in so many ways I miss you very very much.
I know life isn't treating you well, but you are not the only one as well.
I did tried my best to be well, but this is already out of my hands.
Do you know how much I wanna keep on living so I can see you smile again?
I will be lying if I say that I also wanna keep on living in the world to love you?
I can't handle this. I wish I can even control myself of not being sick. But only God has the power to do so.
I am just trying very hard to have faith in every single way now to be well and be happy.
And that is all I hope for for you now.

2 hours has passed now but there isn't any sign of you.
I wish in so many ways that you would just come up stairs and see me.
But everytime it is just not you. But Elmo is sitting right beside here with me keeping me company.
With a pack of Winfield and a cup of light coke, I still feel weak inside but I can't have that written on my face in anyway.
Cause if you come, that should not be the face I want you to see.
I just want you to remember me as the one who is bubbly, happy and cheerful who brings smile to people.
The one who really loves you are cared in every single way.
I will be waiting here all night just to have one look at you.
And I really wish it won't be the last that I see in you.

I will try my best to get well, and I am changing to a better person.
Wishing one day our dream of geting old in a small house, walking by the beach everyday.
This is my only wish in life. In every way, I wanna live.
I wanna love you. Till the very end I have.
This is all I can do for you baby.