The Last Four Hours

If I write that I wasn't emotionally thorn down,
I think there is no point for me to keep blogging.
As for now, blogging is the only place I would be able to write down all of my emotions without worrying about you seeing this.
I knew you weren't ready to see me but to a certain point,
I really do not understand at all why wouldn't you allow me to see you when I am still healthy.
I know in many ways I still have to be strong.
I will keep on fighting to the end. But I somehow lost part of this battle.
I keep on wondering, I keep on thinking.
I know if I were to really leave this world,
even at my death bed you surely would deny me to go on your arms.
The only place in this world where I feel safe.

Baby, how can I let you see I feel your pain?
I really do, every single bit of your pain, I feel it of even more intense in many ways.
If I did not feel anything, I would have move on and left you suffer here alone.
But I really see by you running away from all this is not helping you in any way.
I am really worried everyday. Somehow I was thinking,
You decided to take this break, yes I accepted it as I am the one who made you made this decision.
You wanted to keep in touch and having my news. I am doing so.
But as in now, you are keeping running away from me.
I really dare not tell you anything about my condition.
In a way now, I feel like if for me to leave your world totally is what you really wanted.
As this were the action of you showing me everything of it.

As of this point. I already accepted the fact that I have to carry all this guilt I have to my grave.
I know now that you will never forgive me. I really accepted this without any grudge.
I already foresee the cconsequences.
But saying so, I will hold my words that I will keep loving you and waiting for you.
This is the least I can do. I guess this is the reason why I am still living in this world.
As I told you. Waiting for you for 12 hours is just the beginning. I will wait for you even it takes a life time.

I will not say a word from now. I will not do anything from now.
All I will do is focus on dealing with the problems we have in hand.
I think that this is the least I can do for you.
I owe you the peace in life. I owe you everything in life.
But this is the only thing I can do for you.

I will be leaving home after the next few days.
I already accepted the job offer. And I will be working as a bar tender during night time.
I will be able to cover everything when time comes.
This is what I am able to do so. As for my sickness, My parent has opted for home care.
So, all I need is medications. I can still have medications no matter where I am.
I have decided to leave home.

I will be changing most of my contacts. As of this moment, before I become weaker and weaker.
I have met the person who care and loved me. I would want them to remember as this moment.
Besides you my love. This will be the another regret I have in life now.

I will be moving back to KL in a few days time. And the issue in hand that I have now,
Place to stay. I would need to find a place to camp for the first month till my pay cheque is out.
I have spended most on my medical for the past few weeks. I gotta work extra hard than others.
To make everything ok. Some old memories flashes again across me.
But just this time, the person I cared and love is not around me anymore.

I know I will be just fine. I am Eric Hah. What are the things I can't do?
I remember what my brother Isaih told me, Life is a journey. We taste the bitterness in it before it will turn into sweetness. This is how the world role. Keeping my faith strong. I know which path I would be going through.

As of now, I have stopped trading. I have stopped my MLM.
I still haven't got the courage to face this all without you together.
This is our dreams I know. But I can't handle anymore pain for now.
I will be overloaded again and breakdown again.
This time, I really cannot afford to breakdown.

The text that I have send you in the morning,
It was just treated as a deft text from you.
Even in the evening. The way you talked to me was just too hurtful to handle.
I have turn you from a poassionate person into a cold blooded person.
Maybe I deserve this. But the fact is I am in pain because your pain reflected on mine.
Every single part of it is really excruciating to the maximum.
But you wouldn't believe I am in pain too.
Maybe in your mind now, I am trying to be a victim, and have move on from you to another person.
Or even I may just want more attention from you. Or even me being sick is just a tactic that I create a sense of pitiness of me who is extreamly sick and a dying person to manipulate your feelings.
I know you have questioned my love towards you.
Or maybe even like you say about your ex lovers.
I am also like them just to make you believe that I love you because I have a purpose on it.

I can't help myself keep on thinking about all this negative stuff.
But even it is true. I blame no one as I deserve all this.
I know you will walk out of my life soon enough.
I also really accept it if it really happens.
What will be the worst thing that happens?
I will annoy the readers of my blog more with emo stuff.
Sooner or later, I think blogger will even mark me as spam.
I do not know anything anymore.
All I feel is numbness flowing through my body.
I dare not think about anything anymore.
Cause I know I have to deal with all the problems I created for you.
And as a man and as a person who loves you.
I will deal with it myself from now.
I cannot affort to breakdown again. Time isn't on my side.
I really have to start walking the walk.

I will still be waiting right here.
As the old sayings, There won't be any rainbow if there isn't any rain.
I will walk with my rainy days for now.
But I know deep down my heart, I love you and will always do~