Setting The Record Straight... Or Not

It has been really weird out between me and Dumdum. Like seriously weird out. Something really weird happen while we were just cuddling in bed and talk. To kill the buzz early, NO! We didn't do anything! Dumdum is a really close friend of mine for the past few years since we got into the studio. I remember I was like having a star-struck when I first saw him. Anyway that is not the story. I have been sitting here all morning thinking what should I do about what I actually did. Sigh..

Dumdum is in love with Sauli for years now. And I really admire the both of them. Extreme different yet similar. Maybe it was the alcohol? Or I am highly dose on meds? Or it really did happen. It all started off with what everyone around me has the issue of choosing to be celibate. Yet, I didn't really told anyone why till last night. Except of telling to Andrew few months back. But somehow, Dumdum concern was what is going to happen with me.

I don't deny that choosing to stay celibate isn't really something I choose for myself. But when I told him, he just asked me out of no where.

Then what will happen after that one year? Will your reasons be valid? He will never know what are you doing for him now. It is just something that not everyone could digest baby.

I got stuck right there. Don't know what to say to continue the conversation. Dumdum was right about that. It was just a mere action of irrationality. But I could just change it to another way of seeing it. Taking up as a challenge to self disciplined myself? Which I didn't say out load. I know Dumdum will give me another slap right in the face.

Everyone has a past. I know I myself have one that I am not proud of either. I could be label as a slut if that is a word. I was just at a state of self destruction. I didn't really cared much about myself at that point. Embarrassing moment are inevitable. I didn't even remember the name of fellas I went to bed with just right after I slept with them. I send one out the door and welcome another one in. I was a major capital HOE!

Why am I talking about this anyway? Anyhow back to what happen last night. Right, I told Dumdum why I actually took that oath. He was really honest about how he really felt, He said he would never understood why I would do such thing for someone who just don't see why. I told him sometimes, love is blind. I don't think I am really wanting to get into a relationship either at the moment. Not that I do not want it, but the fact is to have that right one at the right time. It has never been that way for me since baby J happen. It has always been the wrong time. But I am not complaining about it. As I know that with them in my life, I really do got great friends.

And by saying that, Dumdum went mad with me. He got up from the bed and kinda like shouting but not really shouting. Saying that why am I always like this? He pinned me down and wanted to punch me with that look. But  he didn't. What he did really made having a big headache now. He just kissed me. I do not really know now what is going on between us but I am pretty sure nothing is going to be. I know I am as guilty. I kissed him back. We made out through the night. (And for the last time, nothing happened besides snogging)

Dumdum is someone really close to me and I really appreciate everything we have. But it is just not right. Sauli is his love of his life. Not me, I am just a close friend of his. And also a work mate. Since I got up, I was just making coffee in the kitchen and thinking what have I really done. And after a while, Dumdum walked in with his big sexy smile. He is such a sunshine. I smiled back and poured him a cuppa too. I wanted to talk to him about what happen but he kinda didn't make any effort at all like it really didn't happen. Should I just let it be? I am really confused now. I never seen him as someone who I will have that kinda romantic feeling with. It feels so wrong yet what happen was just so right. Or I am speaking in a position that I am too dry?!? Ok, I know that joke is lame. I get it!

Trying to think straight at the moment, what do I actually feel about this? I know I still have strong affection towards one soul in life. But that soul is unreachable in many ways. And now Dumdum just complicates it. I seriously need a bro-intervention with him or a long distance call back to LA to my cow for a girl talk? I am really confused. I don't want anything to happen to Dumdum and Sauli. But what happen between us wasn't a dream too. It wasn't right. What should I do now.