Anxious

A moment there I was thinking about how things could go from here. For the past few days here. I was nothing but happy to be with you guys who flew half way from the other side of the world to be with me. Not a single minute I could ever think of me being sick. But somehow the time would eventually come.

I knew one thing for sure, I was thinking of you at this point. And surprisingly you were still awake at this hour. Even we are now thousand miles away, but I knew that memory that pops up this minute meant something for me.

Without a doubt, the fear lingers on with me. I am playing a song we both adored, and lying here letting myself soaring free from all emotions that surfaced. A thought that I must get well was taken off from my mind. A world free from all expectations and all reasons others put on. Tapping within myself and I was asking is there a chance I may change my mind? For now, it doesn't matter at all. I know I am free.

I don't need to be dying to catch my breath any more. It puts me in to that realm I felt surreal and free. Closing the doors of letting go, I found my heart beat beating steadily and it was firm. Tearing down all the make up. Tried many times but nothing was real till now. I wanna believe nothing is real but all I need is really your memory that lingers through my body. My heart was at a better place. The only medicine is just right in front of me.

Should I pick it all up or should I just go home? Overlooking the beautiful skyline from Kowloon, holding you guys with me, it brings even a stronger strength to face all this coming hurdle just lies right in front of me. At some point, I wasn't afraid any more. Like what DumDum said to me,

Ricky, it is all in the mind. You just gotta let go sometimes. And let your heart talks to you.

I realize this is something I shut down for some time now. Whatever the reason was isn't important but yeah, I did sealed that part up for sure. I knew if it isn't so, doing this ain't gonna be easy for me. But letting all go tonight is the only way to feel connected. I felt alive and all I could do now is just let it flow. Let it to overpower me. I need that so the next step would be easier for me to take.

Goodbye

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye

Untying the knot that I have been tying to myself for a long time. I do not know will I succeed but at least I wanna take the first step to do so. Looping Carrie Underwood's Good in Goodbye, I somehow felt all the memories bringing back into my life. It was a good one to be honest. There is something which was right in the lyrics. 

When you're holding on to someone that you got to let go.

 Yeah, maybe someday I will see the reason why. When there are news about you are doing better and well now, somehow, it just brought a smile on my face with a little sting. I guess that was the most beautiful thing that ever happen. It is bitter sweet. Yes it is. I never stop missing you. Everyday. At least once you will appear in my mind. As bad it was, but I thank god I didn't get what I wanted. Because without all these, I will never have what I have now. Forgetting you? I dunno will I ever, but it was something really had changed me entirely. Maybe one day, I will really see the smile and grateful for everything. Baby J, Thank you. thanks for everything.

With You

I use to be the life of the party
Man of the hour 
The one in control 
Never have a question 
No hesitation
Get who I want
And then I've know all
But you stolen my thunder 
Taken me under 
With something so real

With you I can't speak
I can't move
I can't hardly breathe
I'm a fumbling boy 
Whose never felt something like this
And it's just how it is with you 

I'm having light
Of the light of an angel
You may be all I've been dreaming of
I know the likes of infatuation
And I'll be surprise if this isn't love
Cuz I just want to break through
Reach out and feel you 
Fall into me yeah

With you I can't speak
I can't move
I can't hardly breathe
I'm a rebeling boy 
Whose never felt something like this
And it's just how it is with you 

Oh I want to reach out and touch you 
Feel you consume me
Fall into me

With you I can't speak
I can't move
I can't hardly breathe
I'm a fumbling boy 
Whose never felt something like this
And it's just how it is with you

Sometimes being isolated with memories is a way to feel alive in many ways. I can't say that faith is still here but with the period of time and all. I wish things would be easier for me. To hold on or to give in, this is something I couldn't possibly decide right now. Cuz I know my answer is give in. But with what I have been holding on, I remember one soul once told me, 

No matter how it is, I am not giving up on you. You have to be well and be here. I need you too. 

 

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Because I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Because sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Because I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Because I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Ashes And Wine

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
And I'll drown in my tears, don't they see?
And that would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning surface on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down, no

And I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say

But is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?




At first, I wasn't sure what was meant by "ashes and wine". I read all the posts on a site, and could see most of everyone's interpretations, but none seemed to be quite right. Then it hit me: I think both ashes and wine are both things that are used up. An ash used to be a log, cigarette, etc. Wine used to be a grape. Both of them have lost their ability to ever change or be anything different than simply ashes and wine. The entire song is about whether there is hope or whether fate has already spoken. If they were cigarettes and grapes... they'd still have a chance; if they are ashes and wine, they are done.

And when I loop this song again and again, reality slowly flows in. In life, we are always just ashes and wine. Somehow, we feel that sometimes in this cruel reality. Even yes that most of my days are spent on this bed now, but yes, I felt that sometimes. I know that fact couldn't change. Reality will always be reality. We are always at the turning point to give in or to hold on. Till this very moment, I still choose to hold on. I knew that  if I don't, who will it ever be there to hold you when you needed? I miss you like hell at this very moment. I dreamed of everything I could share with you in life. But I have no idea how now. It seems impossible. What should I do? How should I go from here?

I Should Go

Here we are 

Isn't it familiar 

Haven't had someone to talk to 

In such a long time 

And it's strange 

All we have in common 

And your company was just the thing I needed tonight 

Somehow I feel I should apologize 

Cuz I'm just a little shaken 

By what's going on inside 

I should go 

Before my will gets any weaker 

And my eyes begin to linger 

Longer than they should 

I should go 

Before I lose my sense of reason 

And this hour holds more meaning 

Than it ever could 

I should go 

I should go 

Baby, I should go 

It's so hard 

Keeping my composure 

And pretend I don't see how 

Your body curves beneath your clothes 

And your laugh 

Is pure and unaffected 

It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go 

I know I gotta take the noble path 

Cuz I don't want you to question 

The intentions that I have 

I should go 

Before my will gets any weaker 

And my eyes begin to linger 

Longer than they should 

I should go 

Before I lose my sense of reason 

And this hour holds more meaning 

Than it ever could 

I should go 

I should go 

Baby, I should go 

I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse 

And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do 

I should go 

Before my will gets any weaker 

And my eyes begin to linger 

Longer than they should 

I should go 

Before I lose my sense of reason 

And this hour holds more meaning 

Than it ever could 

I should go 

I should go 

Baby, I should go 

This is just something I could really relate in life right now. But just somehow, I do not know how to take that move to go because, it really hurts to know how you feel inside. I really don't know what to do. The song speaks all I feel right now.

NATCOMP 2012 Finals

Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan (SMK) Keat Hwa from Kedah emerged victorious in the National Band Competition (Natcomp) 2012, held at the Gong Badak Indoor Stadium, here last night.

By performing an energetic sketch of the Spanish icon and spirits of Matadors, SMK Keat Hwa scored 84.45 points, beating eight other participants to take home the challenge trophy and certificates.

The band also dominated four other categories, namely the best colour guard, percussion, brass and woodwind and general effect.

SMK Keat Hwa that has emerged champion nine times in the competitions which entered its 19th edition this year, came in with the theme of Unity in Harmony.

Co-curriculum and Arts division officer in the Education Ministry Mohd Rashid Mean, who represented deputy Education minister Dr Mohd Puad Zarkashi, presented prizes to the winners.

Mohd Rashid said three top bands will be representing Malaysia to compete against some of the top bands in the world, at the Malaysia World Band Competition.

Meanwhile, SMK Keat Hwa band instructor, Tang Chia Hoe, 40, said though the band had only trained for four months, discipline was a main factor for their success.

"The Spanish theme was selected by the team without any interference from the management. We were confident they could undertake the task and interpret it into victory," he told Bernama.

The competition, held first time outside Kuala Lumpur, was organised in collaboration with the Malaysia Band Association (MBA), Education Ministry, Terengganu state government, State Education Department and ZI Production Sdn Bhd.

Credits to BERNAMA.

Below is the video of their winning performance.

All I Need

I think lyric-wise this song is something that a lot of people can relate to. It's about the fact that everybody, you know, everybody gets this point in life. And that is what the song is about, that you're trying to hold on to the things that are important, that you try to find something that you can believe in and which is worth living, if it's family or the love of your life or laugh things that make your life worth living. And in this song, the strong agony of disappointment with a lot of things, because a lot of people are fake or things don't turn out the way had hoped they would do. And this is what the song is about and I think it's something that a lot of people can relate to. 

As for me, yes the disappointment grew from within me. I am blaming the fight that I have fought for years but it seems hopeless whenever the pain flows through me. And sometimes, it makes it harder to understand whenever I start to miss you. In life, that I wanted to live but the faith and strength has just drained out of me. Tomorrow is another big step for me. I do not know how will I handle it yet but all I know now is to embrace every emotions that is flowing from within. I miss you very much. But the only courage I could say to you is here.  

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close

I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

A Life To Love

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous

or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered,

or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a

record of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil,

but it is happy with the truth. 

Love never gives up its faith, hope and patience never fail.

Paul of Tarsus

Listening to Daughter's Medicine and thinking sometime what leads me on. At this very point, I learned to understand how others keep on going having that little faith in life. Lost of faith, yes but the life that is given to love, I must try to do anything it takes. Giving in to the realms of excruciating calmness from within. I wonder sometimes when will it stop. It has been weeks now and I am still here. Yes, I was in anger. I was in pain and I wanted it to stop some how.


I feel sometimes, every breath we take is a blessing, or a cursed? I lost the direction on the course of life. But somehow, I knew everything happen for a reason. Just take me, break me, and let me live again. This is just a period of life I have to hold on till everything is over. But when is the question.

Inside Malaysia Airlines Airbus A380

The Malaysia Airlines Airbus A380s will sport 494 seats, using a layout similar to that of Qantas and Singapore Airlines – first class in the nose downstairs, business class upstairs and economy spanning both decks.

(That said, SQ's second raft of A380s sets aside the entire upper deck for business class.)

There'll be AC outlets for every seat in first and business class, of course, while passengers in economy will need to share one power outlet between every two seats.

However, every seat from tip to tail will include a USB port for recharging iDevices and other travel tech en route.

World's widest first class beds

At the front of the main deck, in a 1-2-1 configuration, are eight lie-flat beds.


Each has a generous 87 inch pitch (compared to 80 inches on MAS' Boeing 747), stretches to 89 inches in full flat bed mode and is 40 inches wide.

This gives MAS bragging rights to the world's widest first class bed, being 5 inches more than Singapore Airlines offers on its own A380 flagships.

All first class berths come with a massive 23 inch video screen and no crying babies within earshot – as Australian Business Traveller reported last year, babies will be banned from MAS' first class on the A380.

MAS' highly-regarded inflight dining includes the ‘Chef-on-Call’ facility, which is currently exclusive to first class passengers but on the A380 will be extended to business class. 

Business class gets a boost

66 business class seats on the upper deck will stretch out in a standard 2-2-2 layout.

Each will have a 74 inch pitch (well beyond the 58 inches on MAS' Boeing 747), fold out into a 72 inch lie-flat bed and sport a 17 inch video screen.

As reported last year by Australian Business Traveller, in what was at the time seen as a vote of confidence in the economy, MAS has boosted the number of business class benches from its original configuration of 52.


Economy class and the 'kid-free zone'

Each A380 also carries a total of 420 economy seats of 18 inches width, a six inch recline and 32 inch pitch. Each seat has a 10.6 inch video screen.

The lower deck has 350 economy seats in a 3-4-3 layout, with the 70 economy seats on the upper deck arranged in 2-4-2.


More noteworthy is that, as Australian Business Traveller exclusively reported in April this year, Malaysia Airlines has declared the upstairs economy section to be a kid-free zone.


All children under the age of 12 – including infants – travelling in economy will be assigned to seats on the lower deck. MAS says they won't be seated in the upper economy section unless the downstairs economy section is completely full.

The move is aimed at ensuring a more restful and enjoyable trip for business travellers who have to fly in economy.

Be Still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And colors you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

When I was awfully sick, you gave me all the power to hold on. With all the clips and songs you sent to me. Made me wanna get up and go again. Even at the darkest point in life. I still hold on to something. Even when I really don't want to sometimes. The emotions piling up within is tearing me down in many ways. But just that part of you that got me a way to do so. I don't know what crap I am rambling about now. But one thing I know that is you are not alone.

When A World Without Love

Even though each of us is only one person,

consider the effect that is created

when the energies of our hurt,

hate, bitterness, fear, sorrow,

anger and resentment

resonate with all the other people

in the world who are experiencing

the same feelings. 

What transpires when 

our negative energies

combine with everyone else's? . . . 

If enough of us are suffering 

and everything we feel, 

think, say and do is projected outward, 

how does this affect the world around us?

Pain 4.0

It has been a week since I last wrote. To a certain extend, I couldn't possibly write anything. As of now, I felt tremendous pain going through my whole body. Sometimes, I wonder how am I going to go through all these and why am I doing this. But I know it would just be a phase.

At the moment, I could be reach via iMessage. I do not have my phone with me. Just of anyone who is trying to be in touch. I felt helpless at times like this sometimes, trying to be at my best not to spread the negative energy within. Even the pain which I am going through, it is a tough decision to hold on.

I really felt like I everything in my body is crashing all the time. I am being under morphine at the moment. But the energy that kept me going is an external factor. I know there is someone who kept me going and I know that there are many that wanted to be that support. But somehow the whole system felt like shutting down. And every time, I even miss you even more. But how could I go from here?

I am trying and trying but nothing seems to work at the moment. I am feeling awfully miserable at all times. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. So much anger builds up, so much frustration and so much pain. Mentally and physically, I somehow knew nothing comes close to what you are going through but you would understand everything I am now going through. Thinking of those memories that we had, I even felt worst. At times, like this, how could I possibly say that this is enough?

It is just some random thoughts I am rambling about. I am trying not to give any idea how the condition is, but just I desperately needed to let everything out at the moment. Somehow I am trying to close every possible way that I have to every emotions that is going through. But I just couldn't take it tonight.