Looking For My Silver Lining.

The day has come for me to leave the hospital now.
I am just waiting for the time my parent to pick me up.
But somehow, I wasn't anticipating at all.
In many ways, I wondered how are you doing.

I never knew living with guilt is as bad as this.
I find really hard to breath at points in life.
I wish I can overcome this. I wish I could be better.
So much have been striking through my mind.
Every glimpse of our beautiful memory.
Left me wonder why why and why did I ever think of hurting you.
I drove you so far apart. I left you in such deep pain and indirectly,
I put myself in great pain. But who will know?
No one will ever see how both of us be.
We will be as strong as possible when meeting up with family and friends.
But deep down we are crying for salvation, waiting for a silver lining for the both of us.

Many has ask me, since both of your love are so strong, Why wanna let go?
No one is perfect, As long as you are willing to change I think you guys will do fine.
But my answer was,

He put everything in me, and I destroyed it just like that.
He has doubts, Not towards my love, but towards how come I would even hurt him since I loved him so much?
Plus with all other external factors, stress level he is going through.
I can understand why. I owe him this much now. Let him have some peace.

"How about you?" was the next question.

My answer was just simple. What about me? I am good. Left them puzzled.
No matter how much I wish I could get back with you my love,
But I owe you this much peace. I will give you as much space as you want.
I will do what is right to do. I will try my very best to live on.

sigh.. Until now I still do not know why my parents opted for home care now.
There are a lot going through my mind. But I keep on filtering and trying to be as positive as I can.
I am not letting myself even a single second to dare to think about the worst.
I cried. Fearing I would not ever see you again if everything went wrong.
My last memory of you was just I was trying to hold you and you were merely just touching.
But the last time you hug me before we parted. I cried ever harder now.
And remembering the text you have sent me that night.

" I wish you will grow up and face the things you are afraid of. I never doubted you love."

I am facing it now. With loads of regrets. I am merely a coward. Who freak out and being defensive the time you gave me the chance. I lost it all. I lost it all.
Nothing is going to change for now I know. And I know nothing is going to change my love towards you.
Maybe I will also be a past of yours. But you will never be mine.
Somehow I really wish to see you one last time before I leave KL.
I miss you baby. And I really love you every second in my life.
I am still very sorry. But I will do my very best. To live and be a better person.

Kissing Elmo and smiling to start my day.