From The Heart

I really do not know how long more I can handle this situation.
At the hour 3.30am sharp Malaysian Time. I am still awake.
Disturb by the intriguing pain that I am currently having.
If I am able to end this pain, would I choose to go?
I really don't know. Been days I have been having bad dreams.
But will I be somehow a person that is living at this moment?
I really do not know anything at this point.

What would I give up? If it is for a trade, what would I trade for?
My body is not doing very well. Even my will to live is much stronger than any time I use to be this weak.
I started to vomit blood. What would I do? My parents are also trying to be strong for me.
I know by the looks in their eyes. Should I just face the fact that I am losing this battle?
But what is for the best? I wanna live on. I wanna live to see my baby again.
I miss him very very much but yet how can I do so?

Ernie, my brother drove back from Penang just to be with me tonight.
He is now sleeping beside me. I am in my room now but all the memories I had here.
Me and my baby, the way we show our love to each other.
Cuddling on this bed. With everything me and my baby were.
I really can't get my head right. I really wish I can be strong as I was now.

Somehow I failed. Somehow I really regret. Living with this guilt.
With the guilt I am having, I am not in any position to get to your side.
Baby, I really wish to apologize, to seek your forgiveness.
Baby, I really love you and in many ways, I really wish our love is strong enough to get over this.
This moment in life, I wish I was Nicholas. To have that second chance, the second shot of loving you.
But the fact is I am not. Baby, I really need you now.

Back to my own health, I really wish everything is over.
I really wish that my sickness has gone away.
Bleeding starts in many ways. Which I really can't stop.
I am in many ways feeling not safe. I wanted to hide myself in you now baby.
I really can't feel safe now at this time. I dare not even sleep as I am now facing uncertainty that would I be able to wake up? I am afraid when I open my eyes everything is so different.
I am really scared. I am really lost. Where do I really go from here?
I really do not know.

But I was thinking what would I trade for if for me to stop all this pain.
I think I found my answer. My baby's dad's health. If I could, I wish I would exchange in his place.
I wish that I can give the remaining health I have to his lovely father.
I am doing this out of love. Not guilt. Even if I never hurt you before, I would do the same.
Baby, If this really happens. I really wish you would understand why I do this.
You meant more than anything else to me.

You once told me that your found our path is not palleral as you thought it would be.
But deep down, I know you know it yourself. Our path are palleral. I just somehow made a mistake in life.
And you know that I can't do anything to erase everything.
And you really know that I would wish for anything to make our love blossom again.
You knew I also wish for everything to make it right again. You also knew that I would wish our love would overcome everything. But I do understand your pain and stress. I know you can't handle everything in one shot.
But baby, life have been good for you. It isn't that life is treating you badly.
It was me who made you feel life is treating you badly.
One day baby, when everything is over, I really hope you would understand and I really hope there is a second chance for us to make it right. Husband and wife.

I will be faithfully yours.

I really wish that blogging now would make my pain lessen but in so many ways, it won't go away.
But I promised you that I will always be where I am waiting for you.
I miss you really really badly. I love you very much. And I know you love me as much.
Baby. Take your time to deal with your things there. I really will be by your side till the very end.
Even if I have to leave. You will always feel me by you. I will watch over you like an angel.
All I really want is you being happy again. You being able to feel safe again.
You being able to love again.

I will do my best to fight this battle myself. I will keep blogging so that somehow I know I am well and alive.
I really wish that everyday in life, I can really see my baby smile from the heart like you always do.
I love you baby. I really do.