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Sunday, February 17, 2013

The "What If"

Every single day, I asked myself this question. "What if... " From point to point in life, things always goes the opposite way from what we wanted once a while. But faith is something that is strong to hold on to. Well, entering my 7th year after being diagnose, things aren't easy to start with to be honest. But what pulls me through every now and then is just support.

Well, support is one thing I am being blessed with. From family, friends, love ones, and even my fellow bloggers. That was one thing I really cherish very much. At times, there will always be that doubt that was going through every once a while. And honestly during that period, no one could actually understood how that moment was. Sometimes, it may be portray as being negative. Sometimes, it may look like looking at life  with a pair of teary eyes. I know everyone care, I know what they are doing is really the act out of care. But deep down, that hallow and pain wanted to be understood desperately. But it will never be understood.

But I have to say, whenever that doubt lingers deeper, there will be someone. Randomly out of no where, will be there on neutral grounds. It is rare, but it always happen. For that, I am thankful.

Was talking to cornflakes and cow yesterday night. Cow, told me how contented her life is now. For the first time, being in love with the right guy and how happy she was. Planning on her wedding and all. It clears the doubtful path of mine, making me realize even clearer on the life I wanted it to be.

And while talking to cornflakes, I really respect him on how he cope with all the emotions that he is going through. What really kills was the loneliness that lingers. And sometimes, it could be a really dangerous thing. As time past, it could turn into desperation and will link up to another disaster. But well, like I say, usually we let our inner fear eats us up.

Well, everyone has their own way to see how life is. As I always like to put it this way.
The painful yet beautiful thing call Life.
It doesn't really matter how life treats us. But how we live with it. We somehow will never get the best of everything in life. Fact. But we can make the best out of everything we have. But well, we are all lay human. It is always easier said than done. In every different degree, all of us has our own path to walk through. It will always be a path that only you yourself understood how painful or beautiful things are. And every minute of that, made life a thing that is worth living for.

And for saying this, I will always remember that beautiful song cover done by a beautiful soul all the way from Sunderland, England. For that, it really made me realize all that "what if" are mere questions that lingers through our mind. But well, I know that "what if" will still be a daily routine. But true enough, the inner happiness is nothing compare from what we have physically.

I can keep asking "what if I wasn't sick?" "what if I was normal? (definitely nothing to do with my orientation)" "what if I was living in a normal life that others are?" Definitely all those question will always be there. But it doesn't change the fact of whatever state I am in. Of course deep down, I still wished that I would have a normal life, a beautiful memory to hold on. A beautiful soul to share my life and build a family with. But none of that will matter if I don't keep on going an fighting for survival.

No doubt, physical and emotion pain is a small price to pay. But that faith that I am holding on to. That is what makes all this worth living for.

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~