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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Chapter 1 - Come To Me

Since the day it first snow, I sat there and look at the snow falling on my window pane. My fire at the fire place was soft and warm enough for one. It was just months after the break up. I came back to Boston, knowing there ain't anything left for me back in Malaysia and Singapore. Feeling a little sicky but it doesn't really matters. The quietness was beautiful. No phones, no internet, no TV.

When January draws nearer, the more I wasn't looking forward to. This will be my first birthday celebrating alone. Well, maybe that was my intention to be alone. But no matter how much I wanna lie, no one wanna be alone during their birthday. At that point, life isn't worth living for me. Everything seems wrong no matter how much I wanted to see it the other way. The only comfort for me at that point, was just using drugs to numb everything that matters.

Months after months, I wasn't even writing. I somehow was just in a very dark place. No one could possibly talk me out from my own labyrinth. Or maybe I just didn't want to be talk out of it. A part of me, I was enjoying the numbness that was within. For once, it really felt good not to feel. I had a long history of using drugs. Was hooked when I was in my college days. And after so many years, I am back on it. I didn't even bother this time on how much I was using. I was totally outta control.

I didn't tell anyone yet at this moment that I was still using. It didn't really hit me either. But this 5 months being in Boston, I barely got out of the house. When know it, it was already early summer. It was time to head home to Malaysia. It didn't felt right till this moment. It was almost a year now since he left. But it still didn't felt right. The hallow was deep on my chest. Many things were going through my mind. A lot of "What If" but I knew deep down it doesn't matter either way.

But I didn't had a choice to not to go back. My meds supplies are low. And getting it in the states would cost me a fortune. It has to go through a doctor's prescription to begin with. And I ain't got any insurance here. Well, tickets are ready before even I came back. Maybe it was time to stop running away. Texted my best friend Rene and Gerald, telling them I would be back in a week time.

I was a mess but it didn't bother me at all. I let myself kept bleeding in grief and guilt. I wanted to forgive myself, but it doesn't feels right. The pictures of Jamie was flashing every minute I was awake. I miss him. But he had long gone from my life. The part of accepting that he will never come back sinks in. And the memory kept coming back to me. I was in my own realm yet again.













Well, the only intention to relived the past is to accept that a part of me wanted a closure with my own. And part of me wanted to outline what was I like when I was an addict. I am never proud of what I did, but it is a part of me. Deep down, I wanted all these urges to go away. Till this very day, I am still having all these urges. I screw up my life twice since the first drag I smoke when I was 16. And a friend told me maybe reliving and put down in words will help. At this point, I am willing to try what it takes to make those urges go away. I am still able to say no now, but I am starting to have doubts. Well, it is still worth a try. Chapter Two - Home Bound. Touching down back in Malaysia. Good night folks.

2 comments:

  1. I'm nobody to judge, but i'm always heartbroken when i hear people use drugs, heh.. Feel better soon! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well Leo Nut, I get you. I never wanting to go back to where I was. And this is partly why I am doing this. I really wanted the urges to go away. But really thanks for the concerns.. I do hope I will feel better soon too. Hugs! Happy CNY!

    ReplyDelete

 

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~