Beginning Of An End?

If you’re an intelligent person and have a creative mind you always create situations to overcome.

-Michael J Armijo 

Philosophical Statements  

The Beginnings – Part 001 : October 31st 2014

The past 24 hours just drives me nuts, and it is just the beginning of the journey. I know that there are so many reasons that pointed me in the direction that I shouldn't be feeling this. Emotional turmoil is really a bitch. I'm drunk in jealousy, I'm not suppose to, I know, but all these things are just not what I planned to feel either way. My mind is playing tricks in my head. 

I think I've establish the place I stand. But why am I keeping this fantasy? I lay down the facts, I know nothing could change this. Even if I let down all my guard and let myself towards you, but my gut is telling you will never feel the same way I do. Everything started the night I met with Mr. A. And when I thought I knew, it wasn't the way I hope it would be. 

In a way, the deception is just somehow flawless. Is it bad if I wanted more? Or it is just like I mentioned, just a fantasy I'm wishing so bad for it to come true. Things changes, everything does. But how could I ever ask for something from him that I know that is just all kinds of impossible to happen? Loving someone is to give them the space to be who they are. Why do I keep falling in love with the same kind of people? All those I've dated in the past are in different shapes and sizes. But they do have one thing in common. 

I've created a safe space for myself. I could feel free. As much as I wanted to fix things and make things good. I know the only thing I could fix is me. To overcome all these crazy feelings I am going through. The idea of someone laying hands on you drives me over the edge. All I could do is reminding myself that what are my choices. The idea of someone undressing you drives me crazy. All I could do is reminding myself where I stand. But when the idea of someone kissing you. All I could do is turn away and tell myself it is just mind playing tricks in my head. 

Maybe this is how I have to cope. Maybe this is how I could handle right now. It is exactly like how it was in the "Don't ask, don't tell" era. I know the future we both hold are uncertain. I wanted to build that along side with you. But it all came down to is it realistic to even dream about it? Let alone growing old together is a big uncertainty. But this is life isn't it? I remember in a distant past, people says me and baby J at that time were formidable. People look up to us as the power couple. But it was still short lived. So, even I've learned from my mistakes, but everything goes both ways. And fact is, there isn't a way that I could make things right for him or me at this very moment. 

Baby, if only you knew. If only I could tell you everything I've written here. Would it be any different? Would you still see the same person as you thought I would be? I know there is so much I couldn't give right now. That's one of the reasons I am holding back. I need to give you that space. I needed to let you be the way you are. If only I could let go entirely. All I am asking is seeing you being happy. It is just too good to be true I even have this chance to have you in my life let alone loving you. All I wanted to do is hold you close every night. Looking at you soundly asleep. Ok.. I know it sounds creepy. But fact is, that peacefulness that brings seeing you. I would hold on to that till my very last breath. If only I could. 

                                           

Can't Be Judge

Love can't be judge. When you love someone, you just know that whatever that happens, you would somehow just put there before anything above you. Maybe some people might not agree. There will always be the giver and the taker. But when it comes to the heart, I believe most people would agree that there is nothing more than just words could explain how and what that feels like. The only thing is left to ask is how do we know that it is love? Or is it just an infatuation. So I suppose that now the only thing left for me is to know if it was love or it was just an infatuation.


If I am being honest about how I really feel, I could say I really haven't a clear idea if it was love or it was an infatuation. Of course this would be crucial and to be fair to the other person. This question has been over and over my head. I know a fact that if it was an infatuation, in the end, not just the relationship, even the friendship would be ruined. I wanted to make the right call, I wanted to do right on him. I've been through once with another person who after 6 months of dating walks up and tell you that it was just an infatuation in the end. Yes it hurts. Was it as bad as the time I screw my marriage over? No... But still, it hurts.

But the thing is, there is a part of me is trying to block out all these emotions that I was feeling. In a way, I know I couldn't do much on the current point we both stand. Even if we were cuddling or we were just being by each other side, there is and always be that hurdle between us. Yes I know that a big part of it was my own decision to make. I knew that there is so much more I wanted to give but I really can't. And that leads to the part of me that I gotta just live with the decisions I've made.

Every day, all I wanted to do is tell you how much you meant to me. All I wanted to do is tell you how beautiful my day was with you around. All I wanted to do is hold you close and letting you know how much I wanted to spend the time we have together. And in the end, the first question I've asked just doesn't exist anymore. If it was just an infatuation, I wouldn't feel this weight on my chess right now.

When all of the questions had an answer, the only thing was left behind, it was just me with that idea. Would've been a beautiful disaster? Or would've been a bitter sweet ending. I know that feeling is strong, I know what I wanted. I always knew. But could I really have that ending I wanted? Would I wanna hold you back? Or should I just let things be the way it was? I wanted to be judged. I wanted to be told where should I go from here. I wanted a way. A way that will leads to a perfect beautiful story.

There is still so much I wanted. But there is nothing in the whole wide world I wanted more than just you. Growing old together, having that same old brainless conversation, being who we are, nothing more, nothing less. Sounds so simple. Of course it is. For any healthy walking person, it is that simple. But for me, you are just so far out of reach. I know deep down, it is just not my game. The roulette table will just keep spinning, and that white ball will never land on my favor. I've accepted that. It is my turning tables. All I really wish for is you knew how much you really meant to me and how much I wanted to tell you everything that I am feeling right now. One day baby.. maybe one day. I love you.

Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark 

With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart 

They say that promises sweeten the blow 

But I don't need them, 

I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long 

As if I'm becoming untouchable 

I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness 

I need this I need a lullaby,a kiss goodnight,angel, sweet love of my life 

I need this 

I'm a slow-dying flower Frost-killing hour 

The sweet turning sour and untouchable 

Do you remember the way that you touched me before 

All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored 

Your face-saving promises 

Whispered liked prayers 

I don't need them

This Love

Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in

And I could go, on and on, on and on, and I will 

Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again

And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone

In silent screams, in wildest dreams

I never dreamed of this

Tossing, turning, struggle through the night with someone new

And I could go on and on, on and on

Lantern, burning, flickered in my mind for only you

But you're still gone, gone, gone

Been losing grip, oh, sinking ships

You showed up just in time

Your kiss, my cheek, unwashed, you leave

Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees

When you're young you just run

But you come back to what you need

This love is good, this love is bad

This love is alive back from the dead

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark

This love is growing in the dark

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me

This love, this love, this love, this love...

A beautiful beginning, with one beautiful person among the million walks of life. For everything that starts, there will be one that will end. For one reason that I want it to be real. What are the good, and what are the bad? Are those permanent, or it is just a passerby?

Loving you isn't the hardest thing I have to decide in my life. Letting you be is. If no one ever asked me again about us, I’d be okay. It’s like stepping out of the haze and getting pushed right back in. I know you had the best intentions, but why’d you have to go and mention him?

It’s just like salt poured on a wound. Every word keeps cuttin’ through. Please say something stupid, something distracting or leave it alone and don’t say anything.

Every shadow passing me by, I imagine his outline and when I go to reach for his hand, I think I'll lose my mind. I’m already haunted inside. I don’t need to be reminded. I just wanted to be near you. No one know how much I missed you, I just wanted to be there. I know I wasn't right, but I can't stop all this emotions that is flowing towards you. 

I wanted to scream at the world, I wanted to billions around me to witness how much you meant to me. I want them to know my words aren't just words. I wanted to give everything and just be. But is this just too surreal? Would it survive? Or I should just run away and hide?

In silent screams, in wildest dreams, I never dream of this. 

Qatar Airways Confirms Next A380 Route

Bangkok is to be the next Airbus A380 route for Qatar Airways from January.

The airline will roster the super jumbo onto one of its Doha-Bangkok flights from January 5, after it introduces a second A380 onto the Heathrow-Doha route. The airline debuted the aircraft in London earlier this month.

Bangkok is probably a good choice for the A380, as the connecting route through Doha attracts a high volume of leisure traffic from many points throughout Europe and Qatar’s A380s have 461 economy seats. However, the addition of the A380 also adds a first class option to the route. The aircraft will operate the QR836 and QR833 flights.

Qatar Airways group chief executive Akbar Al Baker said: “Thanks to its popularity we have witnessed a steady growth in terms of the number of passengers flying to Bangkok over the years.

"Additionally, the number of Thai passengers who travel with us to destinations around the world has also increased significantly. Therefore, we are very much looking forward to kicking off the new year by introducing our new A380 aircraft to Bangkok and providing these passengers with our signature service.”

Singapore Airlines A380 Touches Down In Auckland

Singapore Airlines' inaugural Airbus A380 service has landed at Auckland Airport and will fly daily between Singapore and New Zealand for next five months.

The superjumbo, which replaces a Boeing 777-300ER over the summer season, carries up to 471 passengers across two decks.

It features 12 luxury first class suites, 60 business class seats and 399 in economy.

FIRST AIRBUS: The first Singapore Airlines A380 arrives into Auckland airport.

The Singapore Airlines A380 service will compete with Emirates A380 which features similar levels of luxury.

Emirates has been flying the A380 from Dubai to Auckland via Australia for five years.

The aircraft landed at about 11.20am and was welcomed with a celebratory water arch from the airport's fire tenders water canons and a Maori song.

RELAX IN THE AIR: The Singapore Airlines A380 service will compete with Emirates A380 which features similar levels of luxury

Singapore Airlines New Zealand general manager Edwin Chiang said the A380 will fly daily between Singapore and New Zealand through to March 29.

Depending on customer demand he hoped the A380 will eventually fly to New Zealand all year round.

The service marks the first step towards an alliance signed between Singapore Airlines and Air New Zealand which officially starts on January 6.

INFLIGHT LUXURY: The A380 features 12 luxury first class suites, 60 business class seats and 399 seats in economy.

Under the alliance, announced in January, Air New Zealand will resume flying between Auckland and Singapore, having abandoned the route in 2006 because of heavy losses.

Cathay Pacific Reveals New-Look

Cathay Pacific has lifted the covers on a refreshed logo and brand which the airline describes as "a cleaner, crisper, more contemporary identity" which will "help passengers travel well."

Both the logotype and 'brushwing' brandmark have been refined and simplified.

In the words of Cathay's marketeers "the brushwing no longer sits constrained inside a box, and has been gently harmonised and set free."

The move also introduces colour-coding for different classes of travel.

However, the project – which was 18 months in the making, and will take another 18 months to fully roll out – will extend to the design of new websites, lounges, cabins, in-flight service, entertainment products and more.

The first concrete example will be Cathay's new lounge at Japan's Tokyo Haneda airport, which will open in December.

"Working with world-class designers we are striving to make the customer experience simpler, better and more relevant to what passengers aspire to today" the airline explains.

Passengers "will also see a greater focus and attention to design with signature elements that are unique to our brand, creating greater consistency across the passenger journey."

For more on the new brand, click through to cathaypacific.com/thenextchapter

Venti . Grande . Tall

Well, just something I wanna share about. Me and Leo decided to start something crazy out of the blue. For some reasons, we kinda find it fun to just wanna write about our experience on the little small things we do. Travelling, food, architecture, arts, shopping and music.

So we started this new blog called Venti . Grande . Tall sharing all the little things we both find worth sharing. Maybe some are not.. but well, I suppose people would already know that about me and Leo. LOL. This is our heaven and it's all about the cities and destinations that make travelling worthwhile.

We enjoy nothing more than the thrill of the open road and the joy of discovering new places, delicious foods and wonderful cultures, while meeting amazing people. Just to put them all down in words and serves us as a beautiful little journal we both would cherish from now till the time to come. 

When two 3.8. get together, this is what you get :)

So for what we are going to do, we wanna share this little journal of ours with the world. We will be starting off with out little "Tai-Tai" splurging trip in Kuala Lumpur. So much more is in planning and here is some of the places we plan to go before year end. 

• Langkawi, Malaysia
• Bali, Indonesia
• Melbourne, Australia

Well, I guess for people who knows us, we are quirky, mental, and nothing happens within expectation. It is just every single detail we decide and do, it is always BOOMZ!

So, do have a look on what we are coming up with and follow us. Would love to hear from all of you and maybe give us some suggestions too on where and where should we go and explore. This world is just too big for just the both of us. 

As A Memory

Come as you are, come as you were, 

As a friend, as an old enemy.

Take rest as a friend, 

As an old memory.

I guess I could finally understand after these years what it all meant. Weeks and months passes and this feeling that I was carrying, it's finally lighten. I'm free from that dead weight. 

Sometimes, standing outside from the whole circle of life and look at all that is going on, it makes you feel that everything you do is just not enough. Especially towards the people you love and care for. I could say that I was desperate, I wanted to belong, I wanted it to feel right. And I nearly compromise my own to just fit in. Yes, without a doubt, and I admit that I was naive to do so. And I know that there were so many that care and love me just to be there to try and make me feel better. I'm grateful for that. I'm thankful. But that trigger came from the most unlikely places that I never expect did. 

I know that all of us, that growing up process, there are a lot of things we experience and feel. There are a lot of things that we do, then and there, right or wrong, it's all a journey. I had a very therapeutic chat with my bestie Rainer, and apparently, I wasn't the only person feeling the same way. Maybe it's just part of growing up. There were so many things in the world that we see around us, so many little detail of life. We made a lot of mistakes in life, and we learned from it. But one thing we both shared was the pain of the family and friends we love and care about. Sometimes, it's just out of our ability to give what they needed. Indulgence of what they feel and do. We could just stand at the sidelines and observe. 

That really hurts, but there is nothing we could do to make it right. Life is just so rich and there is so much to offer, and yet, it's as fragile as it is. I know that the irony of how life is. Some are fighting just to see the next sunrise, some are just wasting every single minute and let life goes through them. Question is.. Wait.. There isn't anymore questions. This is how life is. I kept asking myself why but in fact, it is still their life no matter what we wanna do or say. May it be from love, it doesn't matter. If they don't see what we see, they will never understand the intentions we have for them. And in the end, being quiet is the best thing we could do without screwing up that relationship. 

Yes, loving them means we would've gone a distance and do anything for them, but sometimes, they just have to go through their life on their own. Even it's not the right path, we just have to let it go. How irony it can be. At some point, we just gotta have everything and let everything go at the same time. You love, you hurt. You hate, you let it go. You cry, and you smile. Things are just not going to change. As much as easy to just kiss and tell. It is just not mine to grasp, even as much as I wanted. I even sometimes day dream about the "what if" maybe we would be happy, but maybe we wouldn't. I just needed to learn and respect that I would never know that outcome.

My besties told me to just put aside everything and love like I did. No regrets, it's gonna be tough, but we would have a beautiful memory. Oh believe me I wanted to so bad. But then, the question of would I wanna deny his freedom to be? Would I wanna deny his process to grow in a normal environment and to love freely? Would I wanna stop that future that he wanted? And all I will do is smile. It's just how things has ever been, and ever will be. I told myself, it's gonna be better this way. It will be. However or whatever I am feeling, it will eventually dies. And it will all gonna be okay. What cow said once is right, things won't work if it's one way. And I've choosen the easiest yet the hardest one together. I'm just repeating it my head, let it be, it's gonna be ok. It will soon be a memory.

I love you forever and always. Just in my own way. :)

Up next, the crazy outing of the two bitches. Coming soon. :)

Solitary

There is always the right thing to do and the wrong thing we may choose. Sometimes, there will be that grey area that no one could ever explains. My previous post was a little abstract but the person who meant to read it will understand the metaphor behind those words. 20 hours past. That emotions that was building inside just doesn't seem to fade. And it is not a good thing in so many ways. 

I am not sure if it was under the influence or it was just words being read in a different emotions. The thing is, it was never this kinda emotions between us. I've tried to hide it away. But it feels like whenever I tried, the wall just gets to build higher and higher. A lot of questions never arise in the past. But now, I'm questioning every decision there was. Was it me could provide that care and love? Or was it the material fulfillment that I could up hold? What was it actually? 

Sometimes, I've really tried to hide away those negative emotions, and just keep telling myself that it wasn't the way I think I would end up. But what was it that really happened last night? I felt like I was being abandoned. Was I not supportive enough at every moment and every step I've taken with you? Good or bad, even with those decisions that I might not agree with, I was all the way standing there by your side. But is solitude too much to ask for? My walls are up so high right now I got no idea how could I tear it all down. I really hated this emotion tension between us. But how could we get back to where we were? How could we live again without this chinese wall between us? I would give anything to have that once more.

I know there is a lot of "if"s that is impossible to have an answer. I'm lost. I need my people around. I needed that anchor I use to have. I need to be me again. Right or wrong, if I could speak from my heart and being honest, I really don't care anymore. Even if I wanted to care, this path will only lead me to an ending that will never be a happily ever after. I hated myself for feeling all this crap, but I am happy for one day after these few months, I didn't bother to worry or being frustrated with the cancer and feel crappy like everyone else. 

A human heart is just a mystery. Physiologically speaking, it is just a muscle that pumps blood through the aorta distributes oxygenated blood to all parts of the body through the systemic circulation. But how do I explain this pressure on my chest? It's different from what I'm experiencing with that bugger tumor that grows in my left ventricle. It almost felt like that same emotion that overpowered me when my marriage fell apart. But how could I have an explanation that this pressure that is on going? I am no physician or a doctor, but I came from a medical family. I could talk to my parents, but I can't. It will be confusing them even more than I did when I came out to them. All I  know the cause of this "thing" I am feeling right now, it isn't suppose to happen. I want it to stop, I want it to go back to the way it was. Could I ever go back in time? Just 20 hours earlier, and everything would be fine. 

There is so much we can't talk about. For one thing I am certain, if we ever talk about it, it will just be over. I can't talk about it, or I just refuse to do so. At least, even a false hope for me to even fantasize is enough. I can't grief on the lost, I can't and not suppose to rightfully. And in the very end, blogging about it and ranting it to myself here is all I can do. At least this is the one place I could be honest about my feelings and say it out loud without jeapordize anything. This is my solitary confinement. This is the only place I could go for now. 

Qatar Airways To Launch Frankfurt As First A350 Route

Qatar Airways has announced Frankfurt as the first route for its highly anticipated A350 Xtra Wide Body (XWB) aircraft.

As the Global Launch operator of the A350 XWB, the programme will achieve another major milestone once the airline receives its first aircraft before the end of this year.

Upon delivery, following several weeks of induction preparation, Qatar Airways will then be set to introduce its first commercial service to the German business hub city of Frankfurt.

Frankfurt will be operated non-stop daily with an A350 starting from January next year.

The airline has chosen the European city for its first route for the Extra Wide Body service because of the significant capacity the aircraft provides for the comfort of its business and leisure travellers.

Qatar Airways A350 XWB

Qatar Airways A350 XWB

Qatar Airways currently flies twice-daily to Frankfurt, and the double pairings will both be operated by an A350 on the route.

Initially QR067/068 will be the first pairing with the A350, followed shortly by QR069/70.

The 283 seats are divided across a dual cabin layout, configured in Business Class and Economy Class; 36 seats and 247 seats respectively.

Qatar Airways has 80 Airbus A350s on order, and expects to induct the first eight production aircraft into its fleet before 2015 year-end.

His Excellency Mr. Akbar Al Baker, Group Chief Executive of Qatar Airways remarked: “This year has truly been a Year of the Fleet for Qatar Airways. The airline has demonstrated its commitment to quality and comfort offered onboard and to providing passengers with the leading technology available in the aviation industry.

“Qatar Airways looks forward to inaugurating our first A350 on the Doha – Frankfurt route, and to very soon introducing this next-generation aircraft on many other cities offered on the airline’s extensive network.”

Before the end of this year the airline will reach 146 destinations, launching new services to Djibouti, in the Republic of Djibouti, on October 26 and Asmara, in Eritrea on December 4.

Qatar Airways presently flies to 144 key business and leisure destinations across Europe, the Middle East, Africa, Asia Pacific, North America and South America, and operates a modern mixed fleet of narrow and wide-body aircraft.

Qatar Airways took delivery of its first double-decker A380 aircraft in September this year and it is currently operated daily on the Doha – London Heathrow route.

X

So if a set X is identical with each of its aspects or parts or elements or whatever and X and any one of those are two and not one and the same, then what is X aside from all that? Is it the Whole? No, at least not in this ontology. There is no Whole. Or if there we say there is, then it is just one more element. So what is it? I have at times said it is the Form, the Platonic Form, the essence, even the thing itself. I have also called it a structure, which is an ordered set. 

 Still, there is an ontological mystery here. Indeed the very idea of identity, the not-different, is weird. It is a two-one thing. And is the nexus of identity a thing? I think it is, but Bergmann and others think it isn't. They thing the class and its members are one sans nexus. A strange sort of internal relation, a super-dependence. I think I see why they think that, but to me that fusion is confusion. Identity as a nexus is a thing. I say that knowing that paradox looms up ahead.


Most today would say that a set or a class is a mental construct. They have jumped into the Sun of philosophical Idealism. I cling as hard as I can to realism. There are no mental constructs. Sets or whatever they are exist external to thought. Psychologism will not do. Russell et al. wrestled with it for years and made little progress, if any. It's a bugger of a problem

Indefinite

From one thought to the next, we barely even know that little fracture of difference in time. As crucial or as it may be just nothing. Just kinda hit me to wanna just look back in time and force myself to see the reality on where have I been till today. Today at this very moment, I'm 30 years old, 10 months, 3 days and 7 hours old. What have I become? Where have I been? Where do I stand in life? And where will I go next?

I can't say I am a very successful song writer and producer, as I really don't think I am up to the very point I could say it out loud and proud. I still have so much to learn and do to be on par with all those people that I look up to. Financially, I'm not well off but it's enough for me to be able to provide myself, my medical bills and also my family. My income are mostly passive income, and to be honest, it hasn't grow much these few months. I have a joined property ownership with my label in New York City, I don't owned a car, because I think having another car doesn't really serve that purpose at the moment. One is sufficient. Don't owned any kinds of businesses, well not anymore as I can't manage my time to do so. Seems doing okay from the sound of it considering everything is build from scratch. My parents are government servants serving all their life in general hospitals. Both retired now.  Having their peanuts pension isn't enough in many ways but we make do. 

But if I look back into a decade ago, I never have thought I would be working in the music industry. I got my business degree and started working in the banking and finance sector. And thinking back, I would've never seen myself doing music full time. Yes I completed my masters in Berklee College of Music on scholarship, did my internship with my recording label, always did freelance writing and production until I went full time in 2010. Banking & Finance was paying good money compare to writing music. I remembered I wanted to run my own mortgage brokerage firm. But how did that dream is just a mere memory now? 

I'm asking all these questions at this very moment not because I regretted choosing to go down this path. I'm glad I am doing what I love. I'm just seeing a few of my best friends, and I am so very proud of them on what they are doing. I am actually inspired and impressed with their determination to take every single step to get to their dream. Rainer dropped every single bit of her very good life in Malaysia, left for Melbourne, been through crappy shit, Danny joined her too later by also dropping all he has worked for his entire life to fight with his wife. Believe me, I don't think anyone would love a person like he did. The things he gave up was beyond. But even with all that crap, now, they are at their final stage before their business fly off in Melbourne. I'll definitely blog about that in some later post. But what I am trying to say is, they inspire me to go for my dreams. No matter how tough, they manage not only to survive but came out great at the very end. 

Mr G, that lovable hugger, moved to Sweden. Yes he is always in a different continent every few weeks even when he was in Malaysia but that moved that gives him so much more and look at him. Cereal too. I haven't talked to him much since his move to Vietnam, but I'm sure he is doing great. If I remembered correctly, he is one of the only few nutritionist in the country. Not like those general ones but he specialize in some weird awesome field. And the thing about both of them, is the know

Edge they have and they fight on every single step to make sure they excel. 

Not many have the chance to based overseas. Looking at those around me. Zombie, he finally score a super nice place at a super awesome development. I remembered just few years back, he told me he would never able to afford housing with the way he is spending. But now, wow! Even in college, Zombie is like the shy little cutie and I think he is one of the most successful ones that graduated in our year. Mr AK, left his home to start a new life in Johor and I'm super proud of what he have become now. All of them have this crazy sharp determinations and goals. Did I mention they are not even 30? My point is, I admired the risk they took. Make sure not a single minute in their life are not wasted to get there. And also Chris, she is like what? 25-26? Two records setter and her business is booming! 

Cow, drop her minimum wage waiting tables job, took that big gamble and it paid off. Dumdum, well.. I'm not gonna talk about him. But how they get to where they wanna be that is really admirable and inspiring. 

I know under my circumstance, there ain't much I could do now at this moment. If I'm honest, I think I wouldn't wanna change anything. Well, I think I do. Haha.. I'm content with where I am now and what I do. I am thankful with all the mistakes I have made in life and shaping myself to what I am today. But I can't stop wondering what if I didn't go back into music and stay on in the cooperate world? Where would I be now? Do I have that killer instinct? Do I have that determination not wasting every minute of my life? Would I be that druggie and sex craze fella? Would I waste nearly two years screwing up everything in my life? Would I be what I dreamed of what I would be a decade ago? 

All these questions will always end with a question mark. That indefinite unknown would be permanent. Maybe is just one of those nights I'm just reflecting on my life and wonder if I made a different choice, would I be anywhere near all these great people I have in my life? But in the end, I guess all I could is fantasize about it. I am pretty sure if I didn't screw up my life, if I didn't went back to drugs and being an addict, if I never gone through all that crazy, more than half of the people I mention above would not even be in my life now except Danny. I wouldn't have been inspired by them today, I wouldn't have that chance to learned about humility, and I wouldn't have all these great souls in my life which I am so proud to call them my friend. 

Life is indeed a mystery. The things we learn unexpectedly, the people we meet, and the ones we keep. We inspire each other, we love each other, and we push each other despite all the differences in our goals in life. Like Rainer always say, everything happens for a reason. And indeed, everything does. And I believe that all our differences is the thing that keep us close. It's priceless. Zombie also said this to me in the past, it's all about how badly you wanted things to turn out to be. Wanting isn't enough, it's how bad you wanted it and make it happen at all cost. Thinking back, I wanted music more than anything. But the priceless part isn't what i have achieved till now, it's who are the ones that inspires and having them in life. All the hardship just didn't matter anymore. All the indefinite seems like just a mere thought that didn't bother at all. 

Virgin Atlantic Welcomes First Boeing Dreamliner 787-9

Boeing and Virgin Atlantic Airways are celebrating the delivery of the airline’s first 787-9 Dreamliner.

The airline is the first European airline to take delivery of the 787-9 and plans to operate the airplane initially on its London Heathrow to Boston route.

Virgin Atlantic’s first 787-9 touched down at London’s Gatwick Airport following a more than 7,400 kilometre non-stop flight from Paine Field in Everett, Washington.

The airplane, named ‘Birthday Girl’ in reference to the UK carrier’s 30th anniversary, is the first of 16 787-9s Virgin Atlantic has ordered from Boeing.

“The first 787-9 in Europe will be a flagship for Virgin Atlantic’s fleet, providing greatly improved efficiencies across its routes,” said Todd Nelp, vice president of European sales, Boeing Commercial Airplanes.

“The airplane, with its unique on-board features, will provide an unrivalled passenger experience, cementing Virgin Atlantic’s reputation as a true innovator in air travel.”

The 787-9 complements and extends the 787 family.

With the fuselage stretched by 20 feet over the 787-8, the 787-9 will fly up to 40 more passengers an additional 830 kilometres with the same environmental performance – 20 per cent less fuel use and 20 per cent fewer emissions than the airplanes they replace.

The airplane leverages the design of the 787-8, offering passenger-pleasing features such as large windows, large stow bins, modern LED lighting, higher humidity, a lower cabin altitude, cleaner air and a smoother ride.

Based out of London’s Gatwick and Heathrow Airports, as well as Manchester and Glasgow Airports, Virgin Atlantic Airways operates a fleet of approximately 40 airplanes.

Along with its first 787-9, the British operator also has a Boeing fleet of 12 747-400s operating on routes across North America, the Caribbean, Africa and Asia.

British Airways To Introduce 787 Dreamliner to Montreal

British Airways today announced that from March 29, 2015, Montreal will be served by the airline’s new Boeing 787 Dreamliner fleet, marking the first scheduled Dreamliner service between Montreal and London.

British Airways operates a daily service between the two cities and provides connections to more than 130 cities beyond London. The first Dreamliner received by British Airways made its inaugural flight to Toronto one year ago and last month Calgary became the second Canadian city to receive the most modern aircraft in the airline’s new fleet.

The 787 offers customers many benefits including three cabin classes with comfortable seating and extensive entertainment options. With cabins pressurized at 2,000ft lower than other aircraft (6,000ft), customers will arrive at their destination feeling more refreshed and less likely to experience jetlag. Its smooth ride technology, whisper-quiet cabin and mood lighting all help to lull travelers to sleep at night and to wake them gently in the morning.

The introduction of this innovative aircraft is part of the airline’s investment of more than £5bn worldwide in new aircrafts, smarter cabins, elegant lounges and new technologies to make life more comfortable in the air and on the ground.

Updated Cabins

The new aircraft accommodates 214 passengers: 35 in Club World (business class), 25 in World Traveller Plus (premium economy) and 154 in World Traveller (economy). The three newly designed cabins feature high quality materials, comfortable seats and increased bag storage. Customers in British Airways Club World cabin can take advantage of wide, full-flat beds and Club Kitchen, a snack bar open throughout the flight.

The 787 also has the largest windows of any commercial airliner, offering customers views of the horizon from every seat. Instead of pull down blinds, each one has its own dimmer switch.

Enhanced Entertainment

British Airways’ 787 features the airline’s new Thales entertainment system. Each seat has a television screen and customers can choose from more than 700 hours of content, including 230 TV programs, 70 movies and 400 music albums and interactive games. Travelers can also chat and play games with friends elsewhere on the aircraft using an in-seat chat system.

Royal Jordanian Flies B787 Dreamliner to KLIA

The KL International Airport (KLIA) has recorded another historic moment yesterday with the landing of a Royal Jordanian Airlines' brand new Boeing 787 Dreamliner aircraft.

Malaysia Airports Holdings Bhd, in a statement today, said the Jordan's flag carrier became the first airline to operate schedule flights with B787 Dreamliner into KLIA.

Its General Manager of Marketing, Mohamed Sallauddin Mat Sah, said Malaysia Airports would like to congratulate Royal Jordanian for this historic moment.

"The brand new aircraft B787 Dreamliner with greater facilities on board will certainly be another add-on value for passengers to fly with them," he said.

The new B787 Dreamliner, which offers 24 business seats and 246 economy seats, is part of Royal Jordanian's efforts to upgrade and modernise its fleet for medium and long-haul routes, replacing the A330s and A340s.

B787 Dreamliner is known for its fuel efficiency and configured with enhanced facilities such as bigger window and overhead bin, low cabin altitude and state-of-the-art entertainment system.

Royal Jordanian Chairman Nasser Lozi said the Dreamliner would help the airlines soar in terms of fleet and services and reducing maintenance cost, particularly after phasing out the currently running long-haul aircraft.

Royal Jordanian has been flying to KLIA since 2012, offering three weekly flights on the Kuala Lumpur-Bangkok-Amman route, utilising A330 aircraft. – Bernama, October 16, 2014.

- See more at: http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/business/article/royal-jordanian-flies-b787-dreamliner-to-klia#sthash.f8uss4oj.dpuf

Air China's First Boeing 747-8 Routes: Guangzhou, Frankfurt

 

Air China is now the proud owner of a Boeing 747-8 – the first airline in Asia to operate the passenger version of the new-generation jumbo.

CA1315 from Beijing to Guangzhou on October 11 2014 will be Air China's first Boeing 747-8 passenger flight, giving travellers a chance to hitch a ride on the new bird before it enters international service.

That's happening on January 2 2015 when the aircraft goes daily Air China's CA931/932 flights from Beijing to Frankfurt.

The new Boeing 747-8 is the first of seven for the airline, which Boeing says will enable Air China to expand its international routes.

Boeing Commercial Airplanes President and CEO Ray Conner said: "The 747-8 Intercontinental will deliver improved operating economics, efficiency and environmental performance in support of Air China's growing long-haul fleet.”

The Boeing 747-8 will bring double-digit improvements in fuel consumption and emissions over its predecessor, the 747-400, while generating 30 percent less noise.

The airplane's interior, inspired by the Boeing 787 Dreamliner, includes a new curved, upswept architecture giving passengers a greater feeling of space and comfort, while adding more room for personal belongings.

Air China's Beijing-Guangzhou Boeing 747-8 flights are now on sale via the Air China website:

While the site hasn't yet been updated to reflect the aircraft swap on flights to Frankfurt, the airline Global Distribution System (GDS) now shows the Boeing 747 on CA's Frankfurt flights:

Air China codeshare partner and Star Alliance member Lufthansa also flies between Beijing and Frankfurt using a mix of Airbus A380 and Boeing 747-8 aircraft.

In addition to the Boeing 747-8, Air China also has 15 Boeing 787-9s on order, has received 20 Boeing 777-300ERs in the last three years and is one of the largest Boeing 737 operators in China.

Heathrow Welcomes Qatar Airways A380

Heathrow Airport in London has welcomed the first Qatar Airways A380 following its inaugural flight from Doha.

The arrival of the world’s largest commercial airliner on the Doha-to-London service reinforces Qatar Airways’ presence in the United Kingdom, with six flights a day between the two cities in addition to direct services from Doha to Edinburgh and Manchester. Qatar Airways will add a second A380 to the Doha-London route this December.

Featuring a tri-class configuration of First, Business and Economy Class seating over two decks, the Qatar Airways A380 is designed to offer the airline’s signature five-star service with outstanding in-flight entertainment and service on board. There are a total of 517 seats, with eight in First Class, 48 in Business Class and 461 seats in Economy Class. First Class passengers benefit from 90-inch seat pitch, 180 degree flat-beds and 26-inch LCD TV screens while Business Class passengers experience 52-inch seat pitch, with 80-inch, 180 degree flat-beds and 17-inch touchscreen monitors. In Economy Class, the onboard experience is enhanced with 10.6-inch entertainment screens and seats with a seven-inch recline.

Qatar Airways is the first airline in the world to offer the next generation Thales (AVANT 4th generation) in-flight system on the A380. The Android-based system features a touchscreen handset, giving users a “second screen experience” where they can watch a movie on their main screen and follow the flight progress on the moving map on their handset. There are games, films, cartoons for every age group and passengers can also watch the pilot’s view from the external landscape camera.

Before their A380 flight passengers travelling from Doha can experience world-class facilities at the new Hamad International Airport, while First and Business Class passengers departing from London can experience the ultimate in luxury on the ground at the Qatar Airways Premium Lounge at Heathrow Terminal 4, more of a boutique hotel and private club than a lounge.

Qatar Airways took delivery of its first A380 on 17th September 2014. The aircraft is the first of 13 on order and has commenced operations on the QR003 and QR004 London-Doha services.

Giving In

I decided to snap out from all that pity party that I was throwing myself in. Maybe, for once I should let myself go and giving in to the fact that nothing is going to change no matter what I want or need. I don't have that luxury to even want those torture to go away.

So what the heck. For all I know, if things goes as planned, I know I would have a little something to look forward to next week. Some good wines, maybe a 1991 Harlan Estate Cabernet Double Magnum, some good Italian dinner, champagne after? Brunch at Thirty8 one of my favorite place with my bestie, beers and pizza, gossip all night long with Leo, and staying at somewhere nice and decent. Maybe have a new tattoo? I missed Zombie, but I'm sure it won't be possible to see him. Why? Let's just not go there. All I am saying is, I really need this break from everything that is going on in my life. And for now, I just needed this so bad. Oh, did I mention ciggarettes? How ironic it is a terminal cancer patient wanting to have cancer sticks! But whatever, it's gonna be 24 hours with no rules and restrictions. Well, there is one, but well, I'll be with Leo all the time. I have a good annoying baby sitter and I think I'm in good hands. 

For what it's worth, giving in to the cold fact isn't that bad. (Maybe so far after my first dose I haven't felt the side effects kicking in just yet.) I guess for a long time now since September I haven't had that chance to sit back and give myself a break from all the crap that is going on. There is suddenly like so many things that popped up in my head that what I wanna do. Through out this period, one thing I found out that in Asia, the amount of people who are organ donors, people who are unaware of STDs, people who are having depressions, undiagnosed HIV victims, bully victims, domestic violence, and sexual and drug abuse. The list could go on and on, but there are always that cause to look into. Maybe at this point in time, colorectal metastasis hasn't a cure but there are still are some probable cause for all of us to look into. 

I am not judging anything, but the fact is, I was one of them. I had a strong team of support from my family and friends. I had that strength that pulled me out of my addiction. But looking at what is going on out there, do I wanna just not doing anything? Especially in my home country. Soon to be my former home country. One thing I will always remember, the time when it slaps me and make me realize what was I even thinking while I wasted that whole 2 years of my life. If only there is anything I could do, I would definitely trade places with you. 

I know that this post seems like to be in a messed and it's all over the place. But one thing I realize it is such a messed because when I took a step back and think, sometimes, it is not just about me and how my cancer affects my life. Yes, it will always be a thing that I go through every single day, and it's a fact that is not going to change. But out there in this world, everyone is going through something. Something that might be minor, or even worst than what I am going through. But what do I see from all of it? What I know now, is that loneliness that is killing you inside, that is a fact that I live with every day. So do I wanna just do nothing about it? Or at least put in the effort to make someone I care and love smile a little today?

There are always that choice we make every day. A minor one or a major decision. But no matter what decide on, we should be clear on where are we heading to. Yes I am flawed. I'm not denying that. But I remember someone once told me, a little change a day. That's all it takes. And yes indeed, that effort really paid off. Just not far back in the past, I was just a stray that no one wanted, an addict, and struggling to stay afloat in the music industry. And looking back now, what more could I ask for? (besides a heart donor with O neg type) I can't say my life isn't good, I can't say that I don't have a loving family, I can't say I don't have genuine friends and I can't certainly say my life is pathetic. Without all this crap, I won't be me now. I wouldn't love the life that I have now, I wouldn't appreciate the good in my life, and I wouldn't even see the sufferings of others around me. All these things going on are epidemic and one thing this world will never see all these, because of one single reason. The society. So the only question left is do I wanna give in to be a narcissist selfish prick or I should give in to all the good around me? 

P/S - I still think this is such a messy post. And I'm gonna blame it on my first dosage. 😝

That Is All I Get

I don't know if it's just the way I see what is left here for me or it is just the fact that I need to accept that the world is just the way it is. Maybe I just didn't tell myself enough that it is just not okay. There are so many things that's evolving around me. I know I would never able to stop it from changing, but what else can I hold on to?

I want things to be okay. I want me to be okay. But I am so freaking tired to keeping asking and wanting that. It is like wanting the impossible. Someone once told me, all these are a beautiful mess. It's something that could help me sail through my career. For one moment, yes it does. It's a gold mine for me to write my music with. But at times, you just want all the physical pain and mental torture to stop. 7 whole fucking years living with cancer, people tell me it is a blessing, and I'm strong and came such a long way to today. If I was honest to myself, I would say this is fucking hell I'm living in. Believe me, there was so many times I just wanted to let it all go and be over with. It just didn't happen the way I wanted it to be. It just went all wrong. 

There was once my world was beautiful. I was special and now, I can only wish I was special. Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, I feel so out of place, like I don't belong anymore. I feel like I am just struggling to stay afloat to catch that breathe, just to hold on. But the question now is what is left for me to hold on to? 

Maybe I am just really tired right now, maybe I just needed a break. I feel lonely most of the time, and it just felt like there is no one else left for me to just vent it all out. Yes of course I know there are a handful of love ones there will and always be there beside me. You guys meant the world to me, but it's not the same having one that really understand the path that is leading me to. There is no time left to think, there is no more places to go. Sometimes, I feel I just wanted to pull the trigger. Every heart beat I am feeling right now, there isn't time for me to even think about the value of my life. I know a fact that nothing will worth that thought. It is inevitable for me. All there is left, is just the thought of will there be another sunrise for me to feel that warmth on my skin. And sometimes, I just feel nothing at all.

They say, when you learn to love, you will learn to fall. I think I finally understood what that sentence meant. For some weird reason, that single thought of you, gives me a little sense of holding on. Worth it or not, I don't really care that much right now. But it is the one thing that make sense to me right now, and it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I needed it, I wanted it. But that is all I get... Just that thought. That is all I get. 

Choices

Weeks past in a swift, that single feeling of where have time left you. There are so many things, so many questions that leaves you at the brink of wanting to know where does the road leads you to. When you thought that things are getting better, a relapse hits you. When you thought that you won't be alone, loneliness slaps you with it's presents. When you think life is finally moving to a better place, an impact of the cold world hits.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

There are so many nights that none of it I stop asking the question that when would all these be an end for me. Dying was never easy, but it's not the scaries thing in your mind when you are in my shoes. Cancer changes you, in a good way and also in a very dark way. Every small single detail in life matters to you. At one point, you fight on, thrive from all the excruciating pain you lived with, every day, every minute. And at times, you give in and wanting all of it to just stop and goes dark. Every single minute in life counts, and every single seconds, it changes it's perspective. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

With all this mess that is surrounding me, the urge of finding comfort in drugs grows. The loneliness in you gives you a free pass. I wanted to, believe me, I really wanted to. Just one burn, that is all I need. That is all I want. But will it really be? Looking at the world around me, almost half of the people I know were using it. But for the reasons that leads back to the worldly sins. I was them. No... I am them, if there isn't an anchor holding me back, I really am one of them. If Leo hasn't been there, I won't be even writing this but burning them instead.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Looking out my window, I see people, living thier lives. Some fighting for the right reasons to have a brighter and better life, some just living every part of it freely. I envied that freedom. Weeks, if not months, all I could do is seeing the world from a window. Having poisons into my body to have a better chance of living among them. Time seems to be a bitch towards hard times. Enjoying that seconds ticking that feels like an hour. My heart sank. I wanted to get out of here and just live that life a 30 year old should be living. Nausea is a loyal companion daily. And all you wanted at this very moment was some peace. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

When you are lying on the bed, both of your hands holding each other tight. Not because of the fear from the unknown, it is just somehow a comfort you that let yourself be a little less lonely. But when wasn't it lonely? The people closes to you interact with you through a tablet or they talk to you through a glass wall. But I yearned for human interaction. I am so tired from all these "the best for you" speech. You know it is all for you, but how can I conquer that? The last thing I wanted at this very moment was to be left alone. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Music has always been an output to me. Music is me. We all have our own way to deal with all these emotions that stirs inside you. The pile up of frustration and anger inside me, I needed an outlet. I know that to be able to live right now is a blessing. But if I was honest to myself, I hate the fact that all these relapses of my cancer, I hate the repeatitiveness of all these treatments, I hate would be able to live like every other people do. I wanna be out in the world. Making stupid decisions and mistakes like every single human out there. 7 years, and at least once a year I have to go through hell. When can I even have my first cancer free birthday part? 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

I missed you, but I know you could never be there for me. I wouldn't compromise to what I am doing. The more I wanted to push you out, the more I feel like I am cutting myself up. I really wish I could find my way out of this endless fight. I run away then your comfort brings me back. I can't escape all the love that we once had. Is it the only thing I've got in this broken life? I've tried to let you go more than a thousand times. Everytime I try, it's just my own lies suffocating me. I still care, but I just can't move forward from where u stand. I know I just can't survive this pain. There is still a ghost that haunts my soul. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left?