Down Memory Lane

Walking down memory lane sometimes could be beautiful, but sometimes things can get ugly. At a certain point in my earlier years, there were these people that molded me in what I am today. But the way wasn't always sweet and easy. There are a lot of things that happened due to what I've done. At some point, it was just a mere distant memory.

But sometimes, when you were simply having too much free time. You switched on your Facebook and look back to some of the people that you once walked together with in the past. Some memories put a smile on you, some memories just brings up that sick feeling under your skin. There were so much things that went on and on in your head, and at a certain point, you just feel like you are out of breath. 

I can't even recognize the person I once was. I lived under the skin of a mere fraction of my imagination. I do not even know how to love a human being. I did so many wrongs I wished some of them I never even had done it in the first place. I became the person I hated, and I was so afraid of losing the one person I use to want. The fear, drives me over the edge. I really hated myself for what I've done hurting those I use to care for. 

It is way past the point for an apology, or forgiveness. We eventually just move forward no matter how much we didn't want to. Yet today, I stand in a very happy place. I am not complete, but those imperfections made us what we are. No pretense, no more lies, and there isn't even the need to impress the other. We are just being ourselves. 

I do not miss the old days, but I really felt awful to have done the things that I've done. Life always has its way of bringing us to a place where we deserve. Everything I have now, I wouldn't wanna jeapordize any part of it. I've paid my dues and its time to let go of that baggage. I love you, and it would be all that matters to me right now. 

Accumulated

Remember when “I like you” was enough? “I like you” was the end all goal. “I like you” was the prize. Remember when “I like you” was enough?

I can pull out the journal and go to the specific page and entry when I first heard those words from the girl that I also liked. For the first time, it was mutual. For the first time, of all the people that I could “like”, she “liked” me back. At the time, I innocently called it a “phenomenon” of some sort, that two people could match this way in this world. “I like you” was enough. She became my first girlfriend. She became my first love.

Remember when “I love you” was enough? “I love you” was the epitome, all you needed. “I love you” was when you found the one. Remember when “I love you” was enough?

But that was before ex-boyfriends, before ex-girlfriends. Before her disapproving parents. Before his parents you couldn’t stand. This was before that little bad habit that grew into the most annoying thing ever. Before that little mole became all you saw. Before being cheated on by someone you trusted your life with. Before letting your thoughts stray to someone else. This was before pretending to like baseball. Before wishing he’d enjoy dancing, and sitting through musicals just to make her happy. “I love you” was enough before other “I love you’s”. “I love you” was enough before you realized “I thought I loved you.” It was enough before long distance meant seeing each other once a month. Before moving to New York because this was her only chance, or him taking the job in Auckland. Before you realized you were never going to convert. This was before he was ready for kids and I wasn’t; and even before she wanted to get married and I still missed being a bachelor. It was before we were hurt so deeply, before we hurt others so selfishly. It was enough, until it you found out, it wasn’t.

Remember when “I like you” was enough?

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

唯一的好友

没有真正的爱过，就永远不会了解一个人失去的痛。

没有真正的珍惜，就永远不会了解一个人相思的苦。

没有真正的失去，就永远不会了解一个人脆弱的心。

没有真正的相思，就永远不会了解一个人孤单寂寞的那一刻。

看了一个朋友的部落客，回想我当年选择逃避都不想面对的心。有许多许多不想谈到的话题，连看心理医生都当马戏一般。可能我不想面对我的失败，我所做错的选择。

爱了又能怎样？到最后还是一个人走过来。也许，逃避也是一个不错的方式来面对。我选择了悬崖，我不想向前看。一些希望都想一场梦似的，麻醉自己也是不错的。这样下去，我感觉好多了。

但两年后的我，我每一天都不停的再问我自己，为什么我那么的折磨我自己，那一股痛，也没有真正的离开我。我还是那么的恨我自己，还是那么的在取笑自己。没有了你，我一直都不原谅我自己。没有了我，你过得更好。我们以前所有的一切，你真正的不在乎吗？在你的心里，我到底有没有下根过？

两年啊，两年啊。。。

我看了你的文笔，我都了解你所说的每一个字。现在，没有一个人会了解。不是他们不会，问心一句  -  说了让身边的人明白，又能怎样？到后头，还不是给你   “他们”  的看法而已。了解？哈哈。。。 很可笑是吧。。。

可能我知道你不会读到我再写的每一句。但是  时间  是你唯一的好友。

你会觉得很累，        不想再走下去了。。。
你会觉得很痛，        不想再感觉似的。。。
你会觉得很委屈，    不想再被抛弃下。。。
你会觉得很孤单，    不想再一个人走下去。。。
你会觉得很难呼吸，想要一切都停下来。。。

这些都是很正常的。想我所说过的，给自己一点空间吧。我也曾经想过，我不会再有那种甜美的故事，但四年后的我，我现在很快乐，我幸福了。那时的我，我都没有想过我会再一次的恋爱。所以，给自己一点呼吸的空间吧。我了解你的每一口呼吸的痛，我了解你的寂寞，我了解你的委屈，我都了解。

目前为此，没有一个人，没有一句话 会让你好过的。你我都了解在世上，没有东西或感觉是永远的。你会爱一个人到永远，但他对你我的感觉是我们俩都无法控制的。这点，我们都得接受的。


但永远记得这句话 -

时间  是你唯一的好友。

Choices

Weeks past in a swift, that single feeling of where have time left you. There are so many things, so many questions that leaves you at the brink of wanting to know where does the road leads you to. When you thought that things are getting better, a relapse hits you. When you thought that you won't be alone, loneliness slaps you with it's presents. When you think life is finally moving to a better place, an impact of the cold world hits.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

There are so many nights that none of it I stop asking the question that when would all these be an end for me. Dying was never easy, but it's not the scaries thing in your mind when you are in my shoes. Cancer changes you, in a good way and also in a very dark way. Every small single detail in life matters to you. At one point, you fight on, thrive from all the excruciating pain you lived with, every day, every minute. And at times, you give in and wanting all of it to just stop and goes dark. Every single minute in life counts, and every single seconds, it changes it's perspective. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

With all this mess that is surrounding me, the urge of finding comfort in drugs grows. The loneliness in you gives you a free pass. I wanted to, believe me, I really wanted to. Just one burn, that is all I need. That is all I want. But will it really be? Looking at the world around me, almost half of the people I know were using it. But for the reasons that leads back to the worldly sins. I was them. No... I am them, if there isn't an anchor holding me back, I really am one of them. If Leo hasn't been there, I won't be even writing this but burning them instead.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Looking out my window, I see people, living thier lives. Some fighting for the right reasons to have a brighter and better life, some just living every part of it freely. I envied that freedom. Weeks, if not months, all I could do is seeing the world from a window. Having poisons into my body to have a better chance of living among them. Time seems to be a bitch towards hard times. Enjoying that seconds ticking that feels like an hour. My heart sank. I wanted to get out of here and just live that life a 30 year old should be living. Nausea is a loyal companion daily. And all you wanted at this very moment was some peace. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

When you are lying on the bed, both of your hands holding each other tight. Not because of the fear from the unknown, it is just somehow a comfort you that let yourself be a little less lonely. But when wasn't it lonely? The people closes to you interact with you through a tablet or they talk to you through a glass wall. But I yearned for human interaction. I am so tired from all these "the best for you" speech. You know it is all for you, but how can I conquer that? The last thing I wanted at this very moment was to be left alone. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Music has always been an output to me. Music is me. We all have our own way to deal with all these emotions that stirs inside you. The pile up of frustration and anger inside me, I needed an outlet. I know that to be able to live right now is a blessing. But if I was honest to myself, I hate the fact that all these relapses of my cancer, I hate the repeatitiveness of all these treatments, I hate would be able to live like every other people do. I wanna be out in the world. Making stupid decisions and mistakes like every single human out there. 7 years, and at least once a year I have to go through hell. When can I even have my first cancer free birthday part? 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

I missed you, but I know you could never be there for me. I wouldn't compromise to what I am doing. The more I wanted to push you out, the more I feel like I am cutting myself up. I really wish I could find my way out of this endless fight. I run away then your comfort brings me back. I can't escape all the love that we once had. Is it the only thing I've got in this broken life? I've tried to let you go more than a thousand times. Everytime I try, it's just my own lies suffocating me. I still care, but I just can't move forward from where u stand. I know I just can't survive this pain. There is still a ghost that haunts my soul. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

假如

现在是，凌晨2点55分，在床上翻来覆去睡不着 ，想到自己这三年来，不仅仅懂得了这个世界的迷乱，性，约炮。也懂了爱情，有过，刻骨铭心，因为它是唯一能证明我还有心的时候。要是搁3年以前，我还会傻傻的问为什么。现在不会了。因为再把单纯拾起来很难，包袱太多，我不懂得伪装，也懒得伪装。

我们是惊喜是一瞬，闪电是般划过我们的灵魂。我们的幸福是一时，阳光般照进我们的心灵。我们恼怒是一会儿，暴风般刮过就归于平静。悲痛是一阵，夜般让我们暂时失去方向。而伤感是一生，空气般弥漫我们今生。一件东西会让我们伤感。那些曾经走在我们面前的爱情…它们承载了多少往日或甜或苦的故事。尘封的往事虽然过去了，拾回的记忆总让我们莫名地伤感。一件事也会让我们伤感。

一件事因不同的选择改变了我们的一生，因为得意或者不如意，因为万幸或不幸，我们总会为曾经的选择感，为命运和机遇伤感：如果我选择了那样，现在又会怎样？一个人也会让我们伤感。曾经的美人和偶象已经长满皱纹，我们会为时间的飞逝伤感；朋友的成败得失和悲欢离合，我们会为命运的莫测伤感；曾经的恋人成了陌路甚至仇人，我们会为没有永恒的爱情伤感；亲友的突然逝去，我们会为生命的脆弱伤感……

因为我们无能为力，我们只有伤感。一首歌也会让我们伤感。开心的时候我们也爱听忧伤的歌，它让我们想起某个人，某件事，某段情，某部电影，那么多涩涩的幸福或者失落的梦想只有用一种伤感的方式品味，才能体会其中无人能知的清香。一篇文章也会让我们伤感。忧伤让我们写出伤感的文字，或者孤影自怜独自舔伤，或者留给他人让自己释放。即使读着别人的伤感文字，也会看见自己的影子，我们常会同样感伤。很多伤感的篇章就象伤感的电影，让人过目不忘。

多年以后，如果这篇日志还在，我将一篇篇细细咀嚼，伤感定会象雪山冰泉从我心深处缓缓流过…

假如人生不曾相遇，我还是那个我，偶尔做做梦，然后，开始日复一日的奔波，淹没在这喧嚣的城市里。

我不会了解，这个世界还有这样的一个你，只有你能让人回味，也只有你会让我心醉。

假如人生不曾相遇，我不会相信，有一种人可以百看不厌，有一种人一认识就觉得温馨。明知不能相逢，为何魂牵梦系？我又怎能深刻地体会到什么样叫远，什么叫近，远是距离，近在心底。

假如人生不曾相遇，不曾想过会牵挂一个远方的人。我有深切的愿望，愿你快乐每一天。淡淡的情怀很真，淡淡的问候很纯，淡淡的思念很深，淡淡的祝福最真。虽然一切只能给虚幻中的你。

假如人生不曾相遇，我不知道自己有那样一个习惯，收集你的欢笑，收集你的感情，收集你的一切一切。

假如人生不曾相遇，我不能深刻的体会孤独和忧伤，有着莫名的感动，激荡着热泪盈眶的心情入眠。

假如人生不曾相遇，我不会保持着一个人的想象，即使这想象难免寂寞无奈，但我仍然坚持着这样的梦想。

假如人生不曾相遇，我怎会理解一个人的孤独是那样铭心，但却可以释放自我的彷徨与无助。含泪的沧桑，无限的困惑，因为遇见了你，才会有更深的意义。可为什么在爱的时候，总伴着淡淡的心伤？

假如人生不曾相遇，我怎么能知道爱情存在的真正意义。必须有缘才能共舞，珍惜今天所爱方能同步。不能和你同途，也不能与你同步。假如人生不曾相遇，我还是我，你依然是你，只是错过了人生最绚丽的奇遇..................

A World Away

I didn't sleep last night. Something about it, just felt like that cold night on December 12th. Do you remember?

December 12th. The night you left LA. I don't wanna remember. It should be night time in New York right now. If things haven't changed, you'll probably be at the park. You love the city night lights. But things has changed. Haven't it? This is what you wore that night. This is what it looks like when I last saw you. I wonder how you look now.

I wonder if the mirroring phase is complete? They say it's identical to where we are. Down to every brick and stone. Or at least it use to be. I suppose no one would agree to it if it was otherwise. Is it true though? They say everything is in it's place. Everything is there, but not everyone. Not us.

When you left LA, you left me with this. A gift to say goodbye. Something I was never good with. You gave me the world, but all I wanted is... us...

I remember the night walks in the park like it was yesterday. The lights, the bustle of the traffic in LA.Yesterday feels like a world away. I suppose it was. All I could do, is watch you walking through the terminal. Into the night. Back to a world, where us will never survive.

We agree to give each other space. Space, it's over 8776 miles of space between us now. Even that's no one left. I don't know. All I know is all the places we talked about. Our favorite place, we use to love coming here. I wonder if it was the same over there? We will just sit there and float on all our thoughts. You'll let me throw coins and have silly wishes in the fountain. Counting on my wishes always makes you smile. I used a few cents then. There were days I wish I was in LA. To start a new life, a new world, with you. But there are also days, I believe.. This is what we are meant for.

To help bring us back to life. This were your words. To increase the better chances for a better future. For the world with your music. It's like the wall of names here. Everyday people sacrifice themselves for the needs of others. Bob Dylan - Someone once described his voice as sounding like that of a cow with his leg caught in a fence. Piqued my interest. No matter how much is written about the man, he never becomes any more known to any of us. That's what I call a legend. Paul McCartney - McCartney's written songs that have been covered by thousands of people. His catalog of tunes reads like a one-man public domain; the songs are that universal. "Yesterday," "Hey Jude," "Let It Be," "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?", "The Long And Winding Road." And those aren't even the good ones.

What will I be remembered for? But it doesn't matter. I know what you will be remembered for. Funny, isn't it? We can give and heal through our music. But we couldn't avoid the heartache felt every time we are apart. I let you go, it's time you do the same. One step at a time. I am taking mine today.

Home, if we are able to go back to that time, I wonder what kinda person I will be. Until then, will I think of my past, or look into the future? I am sure, everything will grow back to life after the drought. But I wonder, can we say the same about us?

I don't know. Tomorrow still feels like a world away.I suppose it is.

Reliving History Of Flight AA 587

Mom was in her room since the news of Flight MH370 was out. Dad left the house with the car and there I was just the only one trying not to be affected by the news. Grams still needs 27/7 supervision and I can't blame mom and dad's action at this very moment.

My little brother is on his way back from Penang, but he never really knew what happened as he was just 2 years old when it happened. Everything seems like in a mess right now but I can't indulge in this right now. At least not at this very moment.

November 12, 2001 was the day I became the eldest in the family. It was the day that I scared myself. It was the day I truly understood for losing someone in life. The day I lost a half of my other self. The day I lost my brother.

There are so many "what if" going on in my mind right now. And I gotta somehow stop asking that question. It has been so many ears, but the memory of me sitting at JFK terminal waiting for news is still so vivid. The news were literally went silent. The only thing I was holding on at that time was just the hope. But the hope never came. 

It has been so many years now, and it still affects my family. I can't say anything to my mom and I can't call my dad right now. A part of me still feels that if I never made that call to him and wanting him to be there, he will still be here. It took me years to understand that accidents happens. No matter what you do, it will not change what has happened. 

But for all the families that were affected on MH370, I know nothing I could say or do to make things feels right as it will not be. The only thing my family suffered at that time in 2001 was losing 2 sons. I cut myself out from them out of of guilt. But for them, with the social media platform, you see all kinds of things being said. What is true, what is not? No one respects what they are going through. No one cares on how they feel right now. Speculations after speculations.

High altitude air crash isn't something common. The last crash that happened was by another legacy airlines - Air France Flight AF 447. It took them 5 days to locate the scraps of the aircraft. No airlines in the world will have any official statement until the scraps are being found. This is a standard procedure practice by all airlines world wide. But what do you see right now? The blame game! Blaming the airlines, blaming the authorities, blaming the aircraft, blaming the fuel load on the aircraft, blaming every single thing they can find. But will this even help those who are suffering? 

I may be taking this personally. I know how they feel. I know that numbness that hits them right now. But with all these news going on, don't you think it is very insensitive? News based on ex crew? Everyone is desperate to have news. But an air crash is never caused by one factor, but links of many factors. It is agonizing enough for all that is affected. I really wish everyone would stop. Stop the blaming game.

I know it is 12 hours after the aircraft lost contact. There weren't any mayday call, the weather was good. It is a mystery. The only thing we can know what really happen now is from the black box in the aircraft. But now my question is will it change anything if we know what is really going on? I know that hope is thin after more than 12 hours without any news. But still that is what they are holding on to. I am sure that they are. I held on to that hope for 70 hours in the past. I know that they still do. 

This is a serious matter and people are making jokes and spreading lies about MH 370 . It's disgusting. There is so much emotions going on and so much I wanna say, but I know, nothing matters right now. People will still be what they wanna be. I know how that feels and all I can say to them is hold on to what you feels right at the moment.

P/S- Zombie, thank you for being there for me. Your prompt actions meant so much to me. It really does..

The Past

All of us has our own past. But how much our past do influence us on this very day. It's Valentines today, and I am spending it alone. Well, it is just another day right? Not that I am complaining. Anyway, bavk to the topic. I don't know about others, but I do know my past does play a big part of my life today. 

I recently had a dream. I can't really remember until I was talking to my bestie. I haven't dreamed about Baby J much since I guess 2-3 years ago. We bumped into each other, and all we could say was just a simple "Hi". The feeling wasn't uneasy, it was just... Weirdly numb. We sat opposite each other, and there wasn't any exchange of words. It was just.. Peaceful. 

Peaceful isn't a good or a bad thing. I don't know what will really happen if this was reality. It was a long time, and we both moved on. We never kept in touch. Mainly it was just me. I couldn't really take what have I done in the past. There is no doubt I really loved him and I know he did too. Just that I didn't know how to really love him. I was a jerk to him, in the worst ways. It took me years to learned that I was at fault. To admit what have I done to him. 

But the weird thing about our past, when we finally accepted the truth of how we were at that time, you learned that there are so much more in this world we are able to experience and learn from. Without that relationship, I will never learn how to really love a person. It took me years to learn how to accept others for who they are. Their flaws are beauty in your eyes, their presents calms the entire world around you, and their kiss would just shut the world down. 

Without him, I would never know the downfall of our marriage was me. I learned a lot of things the hard way. But do I regret about it? I don't really think so. Cause I know, without all these, I would never be as happy as I would have been right now. There will always be zone memories that are surreal and moments you have flash backs. He really loved me. I was just too dumb to see and letting my desires blinds me. The only regret I have was I doubted that love and lied in his face. 

Looking back the past few years, I really can't say how would've I survived all that madness I put myself into. But hey, I did. I found love again, and I picked myself up. I had my own way of closure to my past in May 2012 and I took a step forward. I don't know if baby J would've known, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway. He mould me into who I am today, and I am grateful for that.

Orgies

For every little past, there will be a little reminiscing that stirs. As much as I hate to admit it, yes I do miss those crazy times in the past sometimes. As crazy as it sounds, I use to be so crazy, I make sure most of my sexual fantasy comes to reality. And I can't believe that time really flies. 

Nearly 3 years now being clean from drugs, that crazy awesome feeling still does lingers till this very day. I've talked a lot in the past how drugs kinda ruined everything I had. So, I was wondering why not talked about the good things that really happened during that period. Haha.. Maybe good to me at that point in my life. Well, fallen over the wagon for the second time in my lifetime does give me the edge. Most of my blog readers would have already know at a younger age I was already once an addict. But during the first time, it was relatively just the drugs without the sex. 

Well after all that messy separation with Baby J, I just kinda wanna numb myself. And I can say it does help me to move forward easier. So, what's the juicy bits about the sex and the drugs. Firstly it does boost your confidence in yourself. It was my slutty period I could say most (not that I wasn't one before). What I really do miss once a while was that crazy sex parties. The orgies was just overwhelming. In a good way. My life for that 3 years was all about sex. Of course there were the good parties and the lousy ones. 

One of the best thing was this orgy I had that not just only consist great sex, and also all of us are great friends till this very day. Best part is all of us are clean right now. It was at one of those high end service residence. Cuz first, we were all high on drugs, we needed really right security. There was 6 of us. All different kinda demo. Most of us were versatiles in our roles, so, you can imagine how things were. 3days 2 nights, 6 men,7 packs of 24s rubbers, 5 bottles of lubes, the drugs, the alkohols. It was amazing. I get to live a few of my fantasies that weekend. Blindfold, domination ( well this was the hardest to fulfill as I am 193cm, so.. U get the picture ) getting and giving doubled, in the swimming pool and voyeurism. Just the 6 of us doing things we never would believe that would come true. 

Most of us are happily attached now, but we still do keep in touch. Well, don't see that we would jump into bed again, but those memories we created is kinda the dope! There are always things that have two sides. The good and the bad. It is a past that is worth reminiscing sometimes. But do I wanna go back to it? I'm not sure that I would, but it is worth remembering. And I guess a great orgy has it's own rule to be sure that it is fun. 

1. Respect each other

2. Everybody touches everyone and not to be picky 

3. Bond and just have fun

Those were the things I really learned how orgies can be fun if the company abide to all these rules. Crazy times! 

Underneath The Sheets?!

Well, all I can say now is that jet lag is a bitch! I got no idea how am I even gonna survive the next few days. But anyway, Dubai is really one amazing place. I've been transiting over this city so many times but this was the first for me to explore. All I can say it is just amazing. Anyway, gonna post all about Dubai when I am not feeling all these jet lag. 

So, I read this article shared by one of friend on twitter. It is about "Why You Should Always Have Sex On A First Date". It is really a good read. Ok fine, at least to me. At some point, I really do agree with the writer herself. So, I decided to actually do something similar. 

Going back to the time I first had sex at 15 till now 29, I really try remembering how many first dates I've been on and had sex on it. Surprisingly only one. (Hook ups doesn't count) Oh well, not that I am against the idea. It just didn't really happen. But at the point when I was like slutty and all, those who really wanted to date, I actually just brush it off and didn't bother. I guess it was a rebound period and the only thing that make sense to me was drugs and sex at that time. Don't ask me how many people that I've actually slept with, cause I really don't know and it is impossible to count.

Now back to the topic, not that I have many that I actually dated. So far, I had only dated 5 people (1 girl and 4 guys). It all didn't happen on the first date. When I dated Laine, it didn't happen until the 2nd year. I guess we were young that time. When I dated O, yea it was sex on our first date. Part of it didn't really work out is just like what the writer says. LOL! Then, N and Baby J happen.

But after so many years, the question I really have is what happens underneath the sheets, does it really matters? I don't know. At some point, I would say yes it matters. Good sex is bound in a good relationship. But also at times, I would say no. Loving someone is like a process. Even sex is an action of showing, giving and receiving love to and from the other. So, what is it really?

We human changes every minute. The things we want and the things we desire tend to change either. Everything in life is a constant change. But we cope with it. I guess it is how humans are - COMPLICATED! HAHAH! Oh well, it's just a thought. I hope Dumdum would never read this. I can imagine all the answers I have to come up with to cope with him. But if he did, all I have to say is I love you for who you are, and you always put me in a happy place. *puppy eyes*

最忌讳的

日久生情，才是真的缘份。　喜欢你的人：要你的现在。　爱你的人：要你的未来。。。

真正的爱情，不是一见钟情，而是日久生情；真正的缘份，不是上天的安排，而是你的主动；真正的自卑，不是你不优秀，而是你把他想得太优秀；真正的关心，不是你认为好的就要求他改变，而是他的改变你是第一个发现的；真正的矛盾，不是他不理解你，而是你不会宽容他。 　　

我们一直觉得妥协一些、将就一些、容忍一些可以得到幸福。但当你的底线放得越低，你得到的就是更低的那个结果！不是吗? 　　

不要因为寂寞爱错人，更不要因为爱错人而寂寞一生，尝试信任才能得到幸福。缘分是本书，翻的不经意会错过，读得太认真会泪流。人会记得让他笑的男人，人会记得让他哭的人，可是人总是留在让他哭的那一个的身边，人却留在让他笑的那一位的身边。 　　

多少人在说，我会等你，等你回心转意的那一天；我会等你，等你愿意和我在一起的那一天；我会等你，等你离开那个人来到我身边的那一天；我会等你，等你……然而人们可曾知道，世上的爱情，没有几份真的经得起等待！ 　　

这个世界上最残忍的一句话，不是对不起，也不是我恨你，而是，我们再也回不去。就是这样再简单不过的一句话，生生的将两个原本亲密的人隔为疏离。 没有经历过的人，永远都不会明白，那是怎样的一种切肤之痛。 　　

最宝贵的东西不是你拥有的物质，而是陪伴在你身边的人。不能强迫别人来爱自己，只能努力让自己成为值得爱的人，其余的事情则靠缘分。 　　

爱总是会使我们有太多期许：希望长久，希望不会分别，希望占有和实现。而最终只是觉得有些许厌倦，不知道该往哪里去。爱情就是这样，有些人会慢慢遗落在岁月的风尘里，哭过，笑过，吵过，闹过，再恋恋不舍也都只是曾经。 　　

世界上最动人的情话，不是“我爱你”，而是在我需要的时候，你说“ I’ll be there ” 。

两人都幻想着彼此的未来，却也总惦记着对方的过去。

Chapter V : A New Start - Part 2

Well, I am not gonna go into details on what really was going on with my life at this point. I guess I have mention it in many of my past post. For some reasons, this period was really tough in some ways. With my personal life crumble, I gave in to depression. I was admitted to psychiatric ward in Kuala Lumpur General Hospital for 4 days. I stop responding to all the meds. I was at a point of giving up totally when everything was a mess. My life was a mess. It was hard for me and my family. But at that point, I really didn't care much at all. 

The whole journey for me fighting cancer wasn't at all a consistent one. I stood strong to fight one moment, I fell and gave in to it. But somehow, I have to say, this whole journey really help me a lot. Especially in my career. As most of you will know, I’ve lived my life to music. I have a song for everything and I express myself best through music. It’s been such an important part of my life and I’ve never heard a quote so true as the one I have tattooed on my foot – “When Words Fail, Music Speaks”

Being an artist ( As in artist artist. Not celebrity kinda artist ) Expression is one of things that I feed on daily. Everything I feel were convey through my music. As much as I could deny this, but the truth is cancer really bring out everything I have to the table. Being back here in KL to Singapore and again in KL. this whole period was about 2 years. And the fact is I was fragile when I thought I was strong. It’s time for the progression assessment… I get to go through all the initial tests, all over again. We’ll be able to see from these, after a considerable wait for test results of course, whether and how rapidly the cancer has progressed, if and how far it has spread, if and how the chemoradiation has worked and finally, a new prognosis. I’m really nervous about these results, in fact, I’m terrified. I’ve tried to stop myself of thinking about it too much, but at the same time, I’m trying to prepare myself for whatever happens. At this point, I’m not incredibly enthusiastic about having more chemoradiation but, you never know… I honestly can’t tell how I’ll react to whatever news I get. It hits me right on my face and I finally realize I need to stop wasting my life. And also a big part was when Mr D came back into my life after so many years. Well, that will be another story.

I finally remember that I have a family and friends that are as traumatized by this as I am and spending time with me is important to them, especially now. It’s important to me too, I love spending time with my family and friends, and I don’t want to interfere with that time. I don’t understand how I can change anything considering that. Decisions are really tough nowadays… how do I decide what I can or can’t do, who I should or shouldn’t make time for? Where I should or shouldn’t go? For me these are impossible questions and at this point, they seem to be adding quite a few kilos to the load I’m carrying.

It helps to know that there are so many people carrying his load with me, walking with me, fighting with me. It’s so inspiring and uplifting and I am so grateful but sometimes, especially lately, my load seems to be getting increasingly heavy and I find myself getting really lonely even though I’m very seldom alone. It’s getting hard to make it through a day and I hate that feeling.

I’m so afraid that I’m going to miss something, I’m terrified that I’m going to run out of time and I’m going to lose out on all the things that I still want to do. There’s a big, wide world out there and I’m so scared that I’m never going to get to see any more of it. Having said that, I know that I have had a wonderful, full life thus far and I am so grateful for the things I have seen and the experiences I have been able to go through. I’m just not done yet, I’m not ready for it to be over yet and so… I have to keep going, as difficult as this is, I have to keep moving.

I don’t think there’s an easy way to handle cancer, I don’t believe that there’s a right or a wrong when it comes to this journey. Cancer does some very strange things to a person, not only physically but mentally and emotionally too. Cancer is confusing; it’ll make you believe that you should be selfish but then attacks you with guilt for not considering everyone else. It motivates you to be positive but then fills your head with morbid, painful and sometimes sickening thoughts. It teaches you something new every day but then makes you question everything you think you know. Most of all, cancer makes you fight… willing or not! You have to fight the disease, you have to fight the side effects that come with it and you have to fight everything and everyone that tries to pull you down, and then, just when you think you’ve dealt with anything and everything it could possibly throw at you, cancer chucks in a curveball and makes you fight against yourself. You have to fight your mind’s urge to give up, let go and just stop. Trust me, that urge is there and it is very, very real. It takes an unspeakable amount of strength to fight that. You have to fight your body’s natural reaction to things like chemotherapy and radiation. Basically, you have to tell your mind and body not to do what comes naturally. Nothing could have prepared me for this fight and something tells me I haven’t seen the half of it yet. You may fall off the wagon now and then, but eventually, when you get hit hard enough, you will wanna keep fighting on. For yourself and also for your family and friends that loves you.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about death… I’m sure that’s quite normal considering I have a disgustingly horrible parasite on board that is quite insistent on taking over my body. I have no doubt that everyone that has been faced with a disease like cancer has thought about it at some point. I don’t believe it makes me negative though and it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on anything. I suppose it’s just a part of this journey and something that we all, at one time or another, have to consider, face and deal with. I will talk about it in another chapter perhaps on how I wanted my end to be.

Every time we hear about someone passing, we think about their loved ones. We have sympathy for the grief and hurt they feel and we apologize for the fact that they will miss that person. What about the person that has passed though? Do they grieve for the life they left? Do they miss the people they will ever see again? Do they even remember anything or anyone? These are just more questions that no one on earth can honestly answer. Crazy isn’t it.

That being said… the fight goes on and although I change my mind daily about how well I’m handling this, I will keep going, I have to. The journey is far from over and as long as I’m breathing, I’ll be fighting, As long as I’m moving, I’ll be walking. No one ever said this was going to be easy but in the end, it is most definitely going to be worth it! I may not always take the calls, respond to the messages or reply to the mails but I really do appreciate all of them. Sometimes I just really don’t want to talk. Sometimes I just need silence. I do love hearing from you though and I promise, as soon as I’m up to it, I will call you back, respond to your message or reply to your mail, so keep them coming, they mean the world to me.

I apologize if this post has been a little ‘all over the place’, I had so much to say and putting it all together in a way that is even slightly legible has been tough. It’s not easy to deal with so many thoughts and emotions, all hitting me at the same time; it’s even harder to put them all into words and correctly structured sentences. Hopefully you’ll find something of use in here.

Live Today With My All

Chapter IV : A New Start - Part One (New Zealand)

I’ve done a lot with my life and hit many walls. Nothing compares with the fear that hit me with my diagnosis. In many ways, cancer was a big eye-opener for me. You find out who your real friends are, and you get a new found respect for life. I went from being a guy who didn't have a lot of direction, to someone who is going after everything he wants. I was into a lot of bad things, and my life was in a bad way. I flipped it around after treatment and found a new lust for life. The experience changed me completely.

I did three months in the hospital straight, and four rounds of chemo. That put me to the test; I have never been so afraid in my life. Needless to say, it was very emotionally challenging and physically demanding. I don't need to tell anyone who has gone through this what it’s like. Without help from my friends, family, and fantastic nurses and doctors, I would not of made it. These people gave me strength I did not know I had.

I wanted a new start. I wanted to have a new place to fight this war. To cut the story short, I wasn't a goodie two shoe kinda kid when I was doing my Masters in Berklee College of Music in Boston. My grades were exceptional, cuz I know music is part of me. I was top of my year. But, I wasn't those kids who goes by the rule book. Besides my music, I have no direction at all in life. I was heavily abusing drugs, and living a life that seeing it passing through. But I was blessed. I will just name him SY. He was my only source to keep me sober. And with everything that had happen, I was kinda giving up when my bad days were more than my good days.

SY came up one day and told me that let's us move. Leave Boston and start new. My career just started to soar that time. it was in 2008 when he suggest we move out from the states. I can still do my music by focusing just being a writer than a producer. It kinda bought me over somehow as starting new and fighting this war somewhere new.

If I was honest about that period of time, I kinda gave up on fighting cancer. I gave in. I was just somehow waiting for time to come. I didn't wanna do anything else more. Somehow, that was a big mistake I made that I am now paying the cost of my decision that time. My lifestyle wasn't what I was suppose to live. I just let it be. Maybe leaving was a good choice after all. And New Zealand was the pick. Before we went over, I took a short trip back to Malaysia to spend some time with my family. 

Honestly, New Zealand is one of the best thing that ever happen to me. I really wanna thank Fiona and Mark for putting up with me. You two were just like my angels. I am forever in debt with all the love and care you both gave to me. 

It was early autumn when I arrive in Auckland. It was refreshing, and it was calming to me. I get to start everything new here. No one knew I was a cancer patient. No one knew much about who I was. It was really a good start for me. The only thing that was hard was visiting the hospital from time to time. I was living with Mark and Fiona that time. I really didn't want anyone to see me differently. I have to come up with excuses that I was heading for 2 weeks holiday or sometimes longer. It wasn't easy but somehow, the not knowing made me feel a little easier to go on with everything. 

I was working with Telstraclear a few months after I arrive in Auckland. It was one of the most amazing thing that had happen to me. That time, Eugene was still around. I remembered knowing this awesome soul Dorothy. She is from Malaysia too. Honestly, she is just inspirational. I could be as crazy as I wanted when I am around her. She honestly helped me a lot in ways that no one could ever imagine. From work to things in life. Well, if you were reading this girl! A BIG SHOUT OUT TO YOU! Thank you for everything!!! I know there are a lot more people I gotta thank here. Everyone of you plays a significant part of my life. Making it easier. Especially when I lost Laine. Without you, I will never ever make it through that period.

Well, life is a mystical thing. We can't never predict what will happen next. Somehow, when good things happen, the bad will balance it up. But the bad seems to have it's way, the good will fight back. My good days were more compare to the bad ones. Life started to be a lot easier. Until September comes. Somehow, the cancer has spread to my liver. Chemo is due. I check-in to Auckland Radiation Oncology near Mountain Road, Epsom. Not for from where I was living. I was still feeling alright that time. It was not until they handed me the paperwork of the chemo when I was in my hospital room that it really sank in. Seeing it on paper made it very real. I had my first break down in New Zealand, I cried for the first time in years, lost my breath in a downright sob. I felt very alone at that time, yet something happened I will never forget. The women visiting her husband in the same room pulled open the curtains came running towards me and embraced me in a hug. She had tears in her eyes saying, "You are never alone, we are family now and in this together." This random act of kindness will be with me for the rest of my life. This women I had never spoken to called me family, hugged me, cried for me, and lifted my spirits more then I could have ever asked for. The kindness of strangers.

Somehow life still was treating me good. No matter how bad when things can be, somehow it will always be a blessing somehow. When I left New Zealand after that, I was a totally new person. I somehow realize, with what I am facing, I should start giving back the kindness to many out there that didn't have it. I didn't know who the hell was she when she came over and hugged me. But that gives me strength to keep fighting on. It gave me a new meaning on how to live my life... A big part of me come to accept what and how cancer has changed me through out this years. Why I still believe in every bad, there is still good left in every single person. 

But somehow, when you have a little too much of good, I started to take life for-granted yet again. That happen when I move back to Malaysia and to Singapore. Well, I guess I will have to continue that on my next part when I move back to Kuala Lumpur and to Singapore later. I wouldn't say I am proud of what had happen during that next 2 years back then. It was really one of my darkest moment in life. Living at the edge of everything. But well, I guess it is enough for now. Shall continue on the next chapter then. 

With much love,

Live Today With My All

Chapter I : Back To Where It Began

OK, so let’s take a few steps back… to the very beginning of my cancer journey. I’m going to get the background down so we can move along. I think it’s important, especially for those of you in the same / similar situations, to know what this did to me initially so that you know you’re not alone and anything you feel, think and decide is okay.

I am most definitely no stranger to hospitals or doctor’s rooms, in fact, I’ve spent most of my life in either one or the other. I’ve never been the healthiest of people. At the tender age of 26, I’ve lost a kidney, and been diagnosed with quite a few conditions: Hepatitis, Fibro and Peptic Ulcers to name but a few. My metastatic cancer diagnosis and prognosis was definitely not the first time I’ve been told I might not make it. The point is, I’m still here! and it has already been 7 years 2 months and 13days as of today. I am still here.

Down to the details…

I’m going to omit all the dates, medical terms, names and all the “technical” details… purely because I can’t really remember them… I don’t want to remember them. I’m going to concentrate on how it felt, how it happened. If you’d like to know the other details, let me know, I’d be happy to go through it all with you.

I first started really noticing symptoms when I had blood during stools and a horrible burning pain in my stomach, primarily on the lower side. There were a bunch of other symptoms that I’d experienced for quite a while but never took any notice of, there was always another explanation. Being an ulcer sufferer, I took the normal antacids that I was used to. I woke up one morning feeling incredibly nauseas; I started vomiting excessively and noticed a large amount of blood. A day or two later, I noticed more blood in my stool as well. That’s when I really started to worry. I rushed to my GP and, to make a long story short, I was referred to a Gastroenterologist with a suspicion that my peptic ulcers had perforated. Cancer never crossed our minds!

The Gastroenterologist took one look at me and I could see by the look on his face that he was worried. He was honest and open about his suspicions that I had cancer and sent me straight for a series of tests. None of these were enjoyable… especially the stool sample. When I left the doctor’s office that day I made a decision not to talk about it, to keep it quiet and wait it out. When I arrived back at the studio, I saw a picture of my now "then"- partner and I couldn’t do it. I called him up and cried like a baby. It was so difficult to talk about. I swore them all to secrecy and the long wait began.

I didn’t do too much thinking in the days that followed. I just carried on. I didn’t know anything yet. I refused to freak out, I just wanted to wait it out.

A few days later, after the first batch of tests, the doctor called me in and gave me the initial diagnosis… I have colon cancer. I was told that more tests had to be done to determine the stage and that would take a few days. I didn’t react, at all. I think, at that point, I didn’t believe it. I was in pain but it wasn’t that bad. This couldn’t be real. You’d think that with my medical history, I wouldn’t really panic. Well… I did, silently, in my head, I freaked out.

Telling my family was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I couldn’t handle the thought. I remember driving back from the doctor and the only thing going through my mind was, “how can I do this to them, they have been through so much.” I kept my game face on, I didn’t cry, I didn’t panic… not on the outside anyway. Inside I was broken.

I changed my mind a million times in the following days. At first, I stuck to my guns… I didn’t want anyone to know. I had my immediate family sworn to secrecy and I was adamant, that was it, it had to stay that way. I also decided that I didn’t want to know any more. I didn’t want to see the doctor again; I didn’t want to know the stage. I just wanted to forget and carry on living. Those decisions changed a million times over the following few days and eventually, after quite a bit of encouragement and some tough love, I agreed to see the doctor and tell “certain” people. The more I spoke about, the more it hurt and the more “real” it became. For the first time in my life, I felt real, gut wrenching, fear and I couldn’t stand it. Those were the longest few days of my life. I did everything I could to make sure I stayed strong on the outside, I wore my brave face. I only broke down when I was alone with my partner, where I felt safe, comfortable, at ease. We broke down together and I think our relationship grew in strength by over 1000% in those few days. I researched my heart out, I spent every waking moment on the internet reading everything i could. It kept me sane, it helped me understand and it made me feel a little less alone.

The final, official diagnosis came on a Friday afternoon. I was in the car, driving to New York for a weekend away with my family when the call came through. I begged for quite a while for the doctor to tell me over the phone as I couldn’t get back to see him. Eventually he gave in. I don’t really remember the conversation, but I clearly remember the words “Stage Four”, “Metastatic”, “Colon”, “Cancer”, “Spread”, “Blood”, and “Central Tissue”  I know I asked a few questions and I remained calm. I also remember the phrase “Throughout your body” and “cannot be cured”. We agreed to discuss treatment options a little later. It took me a few minutes to absorb what had just happened. I refused to talk about it. I needed time to myself. The truth is, when that phone call ended, I gave up. I stopped believing in anything and I went numb. To me it felt as though my heart had already stopped beating, it was too late, I was already dead. All I wanted to do was crawl into a little hole and wait for that moment to come.

My bestie Cow grabbed me outside a cafe in Manhattan and insisted that I tell her when we arrive. Somehow I guess my family knew she was the only one could talk to me and gave her a heads up about it. And I did. She has been my rock since that moment. She told me, there and then, in no uncertain terms, that I will fight this, we will do whatever we have to do and we will win. She reminded me of my commitment to the American Cancer Foundation and how much the cause means to me, he reminded me of how stubborn I am; what a hard-ass I am and how much strength I have. Unfortunately, at that point, none of that was enough; I didn’t want to hear it. It stuck with me though, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart.

Throughout this process and the beginning of this journey, there have been a number of feelings and thought that have taken me by surprise. I remember feeling dirty, violated. There is something inside of me that shouldn’t be there, something has intruded into my body, my personal space and I can’t get it out. The more people I told, in the beginning, the more exposed I felt. I was embarrassed, humiliated and shy. I felt that I needed to be strong for everyone else; no one could see me down, upset or sad. I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t talk about it in front of anyone else. I kept saying, over and over, to everyone, “I’m ok, I’m fine, everything’s going to be fine, don’t worry.” I smiled and kept my guard up. On the inside though, I was broken… I am broken.

Although I have made the decision to stay strong, be positive and fight with everything I am, I still struggle with these feelings, I still think about death but I am not afraid of it but I am afraid of what it would cause to those I love around me. I don’t believe that to be a bad thing. I think it’s important to feel these things, as long as they do not consume you. I am no superman. I don’t want to be. I will feel as I feel and I will travel this journey as I need to.

So… that’s the background and here we are. I hope you will travel with me. It’s a long road and I don’t want to walk alone. I will help to carry you if you will help to carry me….

Live Today With My All

Time For The Lovers

From little small things we have in our life. I use to didn't see them as how they were. And all these small little details are the things that make everything seems right in ways we can imagine. I have 8 more dosage to go before anything else is being decided. And for now, all I really need is something to hold me together.

A big part of me couldn't be more thankful just to have you having time off and just spending time with. You on the other side of the bed doing work on your laptop, and here I am, recovering from all the episodes from my latest treatment. Well, what I am doing is obsessing with the brand new aircraft from Airbus and my usual TV series. I wanted to write but somewhat it didn't feel right to do so right now. Maybe I didn't wanna face reality that soon.

Sometimes, for all the reasons we might think of, it actually didn't need any reason to do the little things we wanted to do. And there ain't anything to be worry of. Maybe I am on a lighter mood just to have you around somehow. Walking by the beach, enjoying the breeze, over looking the city lights by the bay, having a little picnic and just talking about absolute crap. But it just felt right.

Exactly one month from now. It marks the 4th year of me remembering the birthday we spend by the bay. And 10 days after, it was all a "used to be" for us. I didn't see how things as they were that time. But there was some good in that goodbye. I can't say till this very day I don't miss you cuz I do. But when goodbye came, it was just a time when the world felt like everything doesn't matter any more.

Well, year after year, the heart will somehow just settle down and we let life back in. And I am glad I did it even it was a slow painful process. No matter where we are, no matter who we would become, everyone deserved to be happy. As for me now, I couldn't be more grateful for everything I have. We don't have to live the way we use to be.

I really have no idea why am I feeling all melancholy tonight. Maybe just seeing you here makes everything feels right. I can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. A memory that changed everything I have and no matter what comes my way right now, I couldn't complaint about anything more. I have you, and it was right. 

Streisand Ending My Day

A night that Barbra Streisand's voice singing in the background into my thoughts. What Are You Doing For The Rest Of Your Life kept looping. The beauty in your eyes that kept me from seeing what were the only things that is left right here. Serenading myself with her angelic vocals. Letting it flow in me. It felt good. I am alive.

Carrying upon what I have on my shoulders, I am at a point of numbness. But it was a good thing I suppose. I just didn't really know where I am standing now. Well, we are just human after all. Right here where I stand, it was just like yesterday. Finding that excuse to just feel it is worth being alive. I never felt I fit in to begin with. And I kept asking myself why am I doing this to myself. I never found any answer.

Dino and Cow were the ones who were always there. And before I forget about this, Happy Birthday to my cow. I am glad we talked earlier. You were always the one that held my heart close. I really have no clear path on where my life will be leading to now. Or maybe I never wanted to. I just wanted to get lost in my work and just be safe in that safe haven. So many thoughts all over the place. And I didn't wanna pick them up. Or I was just tired of doing that. Maybe I am... maybe...

You can love someone so much... But you can never love people as much as you can miss them. All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear,anger,love- especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around. And then, eventually , it falls apart. And yet, we fall in love right over again. I call it the eternal beauty of chaos. I thought about him all the time - not so much about Baby J the individual, but rather about the nature of love, and the shock of learning how quickly it could disappear. But this is really an amazing journey. For me at least. And for that, every breath I take is worth it.

I think anyone who opened their heart enough to love without restraint and subsequently were devastated by loss knows that in that moment you are forever changed; a apart of you is no longer whole. Some will never again love with that level of abandon where life is perceived as innocent and the threat of loss seems implausible. Love and loss, therefore, are linked. That loss is all it takes for you to cherish what you may or already have now. And I never regret all that I have loss. Cause I eventually learn to respect love. To cherish, and to be what a man should be. I may regret the way we ended, but I will never regret what we had.

And I will end this post with my favorite novel. I never truly understood this till I found you. And I could finally let it go. 

“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.
I love you.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

Love sees no religion, color, race gender and age. Love is love. 

Little Things That Matters

I was sitting on my doorstep

I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand

But I knew I had to do it

And he wouldn't understand

So hard to see myself without him

I felt a piece of my heart break

But when you're standing at a crossroad

There's a choice you gotta make

I guess it's gonna have to hurt

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved

To get to the other side

I know there's a blue horizon

Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me

Getting there means leaving things behind

Sometimes life's so bitter sweet

I guess it's gonna have to hurt

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved

To get to the other side

Time heals the wounds that you feel

Somehow, right now

I guess it's gonna have to hurt

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved

To get to the other side

I guess I'm gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved 

To get to the other side

Start with goodbye

Like fallin' when you try to fly

It's sad but sometimes

Moving on with the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

Credits to the amazing Carrie Underwood. From the beginning, everything seems to lay upon it this way. By what I went through in the past, I finally understood this song clearly. Standing in your shoes, I knew the pain and the suffering moments in life. And it changed us forever. 

There will always be good in goodbyes. It was a bitter sweet moment. At least I am happy to see you being happy now. And I found that someone that makes me happy too. Celine Dion and Fantasia Barrino on my playlist, I smiled at every memory. 

At the very beginning, I was already at fault. And a well lesson learnt. 

Have you ever been in love? You can touched the moon light and even reached the stars. Have you ever been so in love. 

This phrase is particularly powerful to me. At some point, just having you by my side holding me was one of the most beautiful thing ever in life. What more do I want in life? Nothing comes near when it comes to the matter of the heart. Indeed, it was like a gamble. Taken or let it go. Is it worth it? Is that even a question to me?

For some reasons, the blessings and love that is being shared with me are just amazing. My mind is just every where. The feeling was overpowering me. To give and to get, it will never stops us from fighting on. Life could be simple and beautiful. And from the past few days, I have been pushing away anything that could bring me down in that moment.

The little things that we always asked about. Do we fit in the society? Where do we stand? How the masses that could let us relate to our own well being. Well, no one will ever feel that they fit in 100% no matter how things were. You can call it a phrase or even growing up. Everything that is worth fighting for in life, it all comes down to the most simplest thing that life could offer. - Love. Everything that has happen around the world, all the deaths, and broken families. Does that really means equality is above everything of that? Fighting for equality isn't fighting for that rights. I remember a well written post by Shin Yong. It is really amazing talking about the tolerance and equality fight. Every one wants a piece of a place to be who they are. But would they share? Put away gender, religion, money, orientations and race.

The bigger picture is everyone is in pain in the world. Does anyone even know that hunger is the highest percentage in terms of sickness? Believe it or not, there are only 20% of the world population that is not having hunger. People kill people, people fight against what they think is right for themselves. I am not saying is a bad thing. But who will fight for those who couldn't? Everyone wanna get something. But who are the one should be giving? How many people are spreading love instead of fighting for some personal gain.

This world is already sick enough. When will be the time we realize that it. Would it be too late? I don't know myself to be honest. But I won't stop using my expression in my music. Somehow I find it is one of the few universal languages that everyone could somehow inter-wind and feel it.  We hide away from the light to make love, but killings are going on broad day light. Tell me that this is something right. And for the aftermath, the families and love ones, no one could know how much pain they are in.

When I talked to Alex in the morning, somehow, it was really touching. The moment I remember we first know each other. He is officially an adult. That little Kid has grown up. I know I never say it enough, but I am really proud of you. You'll have more love in your life, don't let go, take it slow. Those who love you the most may need more time to grow. It's gonna be ok babe..

Somehow I know I am random in venting this here and there. But all I wanna say is the little things that matters, are the most important things we yearn for. The world is still a beautiful place to me. And that includes all the suffering and pain. We are humans afterall, we evolve over time. An looking back now, everything is worth it. Everything is.

渴望

歷經一場苦澀戀情後，徐佳瑩在淚眼中完成這首創作，是描寫『失去』的一首歌，細微地勾­勒情感遠離的惆悵與心酸。創作動機雖然緣起於一段無法再繼續的愛情，但關於『失去』這­種能夠喚起集體意識、單一情感的事件，卻是最能夠勾動人心、引發共鳴的情緒元素。

一次一場探訪癌症病童的活動，當時和參訪者置身於小朋友、家屬和醫護人員中，氣­氛熱絡溫馨，這首我聽了直落淚的原因，是因為其中一段歌詞「我不是一定要你回來，只是當又把回憶翻開­，除了你之外的空白，還有誰能來教我愛。」深刻地唱出了那些失去孩子們的家長心聲，而­這也讓我對這首歌產生新的體驗。基於各種不同的感受交雜，「雖然初始動機是失去愛情，但在演唱時就會不斷想到那些，也許­是失去親人，也許是失去任何一些重要的東西的人，我貪心的希望它能包含更多的追憶。」

人生就是这样吗？七年以来，我说渴望的宁静生活，爱情，都离我很远似的。無法達成共識的，放手就讓他走吧，重點是留下來的要有意義更耀眼的往前邁進。但为什么那么痛呢？聽著這種淡淡憂傷的調調....眼淚自然就會流出來...　就这样痛下去吧。

在這段愛情裡最勇敢的人，原來是那個其實脆弱的我...一想到你還是暖的。

在愛情世界裡，所有的僵持對峙是極愛極恨的延伸。你是我最無法收斂的那句歡呼，就算一廂情願的 可以看著就好了。你是我最意想不到的一次投入，就算總會失去的 空虛之前我要更用力慶祝。已经四年了，偶尔，你会在我脑海里出现。我们乘拥有的的确是很美，以前，我一直努力去忘了你，但我没发现，你已经在我心中里烙印。没有痛了，只是我们的过去。。。不能有完美的愛情，至少，我們可以有完美的分手。

當­逞強弄假成真，愛情的不堪也只能用微笑帶過。微笑看著你離開，不難。假裝不生氣，不難。繼續當朋友，不難。一個人生活，不難。好好說再見，不難。坦誠面對自己的獨白時光。

「失落沙洲」開場緩緩流動的弦樂一出，立刻領人進入一股緩慢的哀傷裡，沉靜中盡顯孤寂­，極具渲染力。“面對失去的悲傷”、與　“接受失去的遺憾”　的思緒轉折。我終於撫平 時間的刻痕也不再 懷疑你的選擇，我會期待幸福 不在乎那會有多曲折。

Chapter 1 - Come To Me

Since the day it first snow, I sat there and look at the snow falling on my window pane. My fire at the fire place was soft and warm enough for one. It was just months after the break up. I came back to Boston, knowing there ain't anything left for me back in Malaysia and Singapore. Feeling a little sicky but it doesn't really matters. The quietness was beautiful. No phones, no internet, no TV.

When January draws nearer, the more I wasn't looking forward to. This will be my first birthday celebrating alone. Well, maybe that was my intention to be alone. But no matter how much I wanna lie, no one wanna be alone during their birthday. At that point, life isn't worth living for me. Everything seems wrong no matter how much I wanted to see it the other way. The only comfort for me at that point, was just using drugs to numb everything that matters.

Months after months, I wasn't even writing. I somehow was just in a very dark place. No one could possibly talk me out from my own labyrinth. Or maybe I just didn't want to be talk out of it. A part of me, I was enjoying the numbness that was within. For once, it really felt good not to feel. I had a long history of using drugs. Was hooked when I was in my college days. And after so many years, I am back on it. I didn't even bother this time on how much I was using. I was totally outta control.

I didn't tell anyone yet at this moment that I was still using. It didn't really hit me either. But this 5 months being in Boston, I barely got out of the house. When know it, it was already early summer. It was time to head home to Malaysia. It didn't felt right till this moment. It was almost a year now since he left. But it still didn't felt right. The hallow was deep on my chest. Many things were going through my mind. A lot of "What If" but I knew deep down it doesn't matter either way.

But I didn't had a choice to not to go back. My meds supplies are low. And getting it in the states would cost me a fortune. It has to go through a doctor's prescription to begin with. And I ain't got any insurance here. Well, tickets are ready before even I came back. Maybe it was time to stop running away. Texted my best friend Rene and Gerald, telling them I would be back in a week time.

I was a mess but it didn't bother me at all. I let myself kept bleeding in grief and guilt. I wanted to forgive myself, but it doesn't feels right. The pictures of Jamie was flashing every minute I was awake. I miss him. But he had long gone from my life. The part of accepting that he will never come back sinks in. And the memory kept coming back to me. I was in my own realm yet again.

Well, the only intention to relived the past is to accept that a part of me wanted a closure with my own. And part of me wanted to outline what was I like when I was an addict. I am never proud of what I did, but it is a part of me. Deep down, I wanted all these urges to go away. Till this very day, I am still having all these urges. I screw up my life twice since the first drag I smoke when I was 16. And a friend told me maybe reliving and put down in words will help. At this point, I am willing to try what it takes to make those urges go away. I am still able to say no now, but I am starting to have doubts. Well, it is still worth a try. Chapter Two - Home Bound. Touching down back in Malaysia. Good night folks.