Beginning Of An End?

If you’re an intelligent person and have a creative mind you always create situations to overcome.

-Michael J Armijo 

Philosophical Statements  

The Beginnings – Part 001 : October 31st 2014

The past 24 hours just drives me nuts, and it is just the beginning of the journey. I know that there are so many reasons that pointed me in the direction that I shouldn't be feeling this. Emotional turmoil is really a bitch. I'm drunk in jealousy, I'm not suppose to, I know, but all these things are just not what I planned to feel either way. My mind is playing tricks in my head. 

I think I've establish the place I stand. But why am I keeping this fantasy? I lay down the facts, I know nothing could change this. Even if I let down all my guard and let myself towards you, but my gut is telling you will never feel the same way I do. Everything started the night I met with Mr. A. And when I thought I knew, it wasn't the way I hope it would be. 

In a way, the deception is just somehow flawless. Is it bad if I wanted more? Or it is just like I mentioned, just a fantasy I'm wishing so bad for it to come true. Things changes, everything does. But how could I ever ask for something from him that I know that is just all kinds of impossible to happen? Loving someone is to give them the space to be who they are. Why do I keep falling in love with the same kind of people? All those I've dated in the past are in different shapes and sizes. But they do have one thing in common. 

I've created a safe space for myself. I could feel free. As much as I wanted to fix things and make things good. I know the only thing I could fix is me. To overcome all these crazy feelings I am going through. The idea of someone laying hands on you drives me over the edge. All I could do is reminding myself that what are my choices. The idea of someone undressing you drives me crazy. All I could do is reminding myself where I stand. But when the idea of someone kissing you. All I could do is turn away and tell myself it is just mind playing tricks in my head. 

Maybe this is how I have to cope. Maybe this is how I could handle right now. It is exactly like how it was in the "Don't ask, don't tell" era. I know the future we both hold are uncertain. I wanted to build that along side with you. But it all came down to is it realistic to even dream about it? Let alone growing old together is a big uncertainty. But this is life isn't it? I remember in a distant past, people says me and baby J at that time were formidable. People look up to us as the power couple. But it was still short lived. So, even I've learned from my mistakes, but everything goes both ways. And fact is, there isn't a way that I could make things right for him or me at this very moment. 

Baby, if only you knew. If only I could tell you everything I've written here. Would it be any different? Would you still see the same person as you thought I would be? I know there is so much I couldn't give right now. That's one of the reasons I am holding back. I need to give you that space. I needed to let you be the way you are. If only I could let go entirely. All I am asking is seeing you being happy. It is just too good to be true I even have this chance to have you in my life let alone loving you. All I wanted to do is hold you close every night. Looking at you soundly asleep. Ok.. I know it sounds creepy. But fact is, that peacefulness that brings seeing you. I would hold on to that till my very last breath. If only I could.