Solitary

There is always the right thing to do and the wrong thing we may choose. Sometimes, there will be that grey area that no one could ever explains. My previous post was a little abstract but the person who meant to read it will understand the metaphor behind those words. 20 hours past. That emotions that was building inside just doesn't seem to fade. And it is not a good thing in so many ways. 

I am not sure if it was under the influence or it was just words being read in a different emotions. The thing is, it was never this kinda emotions between us. I've tried to hide it away. But it feels like whenever I tried, the wall just gets to build higher and higher. A lot of questions never arise in the past. But now, I'm questioning every decision there was. Was it me could provide that care and love? Or was it the material fulfillment that I could up hold? What was it actually? 

Sometimes, I've really tried to hide away those negative emotions, and just keep telling myself that it wasn't the way I think I would end up. But what was it that really happened last night? I felt like I was being abandoned. Was I not supportive enough at every moment and every step I've taken with you? Good or bad, even with those decisions that I might not agree with, I was all the way standing there by your side. But is solitude too much to ask for? My walls are up so high right now I got no idea how could I tear it all down. I really hated this emotion tension between us. But how could we get back to where we were? How could we live again without this chinese wall between us? I would give anything to have that once more.

I know there is a lot of "if"s that is impossible to have an answer. I'm lost. I need my people around. I needed that anchor I use to have. I need to be me again. Right or wrong, if I could speak from my heart and being honest, I really don't care anymore. Even if I wanted to care, this path will only lead me to an ending that will never be a happily ever after. I hated myself for feeling all this crap, but I am happy for one day after these few months, I didn't bother to worry or being frustrated with the cancer and feel crappy like everyone else. 

A human heart is just a mystery. Physiologically speaking, it is just a muscle that pumps blood through the aorta distributes oxygenated blood to all parts of the body through the systemic circulation. But how do I explain this pressure on my chest? It's different from what I'm experiencing with that bugger tumor that grows in my left ventricle. It almost felt like that same emotion that overpowered me when my marriage fell apart. But how could I have an explanation that this pressure that is on going? I am no physician or a doctor, but I came from a medical family. I could talk to my parents, but I can't. It will be confusing them even more than I did when I came out to them. All I  know the cause of this "thing" I am feeling right now, it isn't suppose to happen. I want it to stop, I want it to go back to the way it was. Could I ever go back in time? Just 20 hours earlier, and everything would be fine. 

There is so much we can't talk about. For one thing I am certain, if we ever talk about it, it will just be over. I can't talk about it, or I just refuse to do so. At least, even a false hope for me to even fantasize is enough. I can't grief on the lost, I can't and not suppose to rightfully. And in the very end, blogging about it and ranting it to myself here is all I can do. At least this is the one place I could be honest about my feelings and say it out loud without jeapordize anything. This is my solitary confinement. This is the only place I could go for now.