Giving In

I decided to snap out from all that pity party that I was throwing myself in. Maybe, for once I should let myself go and giving in to the fact that nothing is going to change no matter what I want or need. I don't have that luxury to even want those torture to go away.

So what the heck. For all I know, if things goes as planned, I know I would have a little something to look forward to next week. Some good wines, maybe a 1991 Harlan Estate Cabernet Double Magnum, some good Italian dinner, champagne after? Brunch at Thirty8 one of my favorite place with my bestie, beers and pizza, gossip all night long with Leo, and staying at somewhere nice and decent. Maybe have a new tattoo? I missed Zombie, but I'm sure it won't be possible to see him. Why? Let's just not go there. All I am saying is, I really need this break from everything that is going on in my life. And for now, I just needed this so bad. Oh, did I mention ciggarettes? How ironic it is a terminal cancer patient wanting to have cancer sticks! But whatever, it's gonna be 24 hours with no rules and restrictions. Well, there is one, but well, I'll be with Leo all the time. I have a good annoying baby sitter and I think I'm in good hands. 

For what it's worth, giving in to the cold fact isn't that bad. (Maybe so far after my first dose I haven't felt the side effects kicking in just yet.) I guess for a long time now since September I haven't had that chance to sit back and give myself a break from all the crap that is going on. There is suddenly like so many things that popped up in my head that what I wanna do. Through out this period, one thing I found out that in Asia, the amount of people who are organ donors, people who are unaware of STDs, people who are having depressions, undiagnosed HIV victims, bully victims, domestic violence, and sexual and drug abuse. The list could go on and on, but there are always that cause to look into. Maybe at this point in time, colorectal metastasis hasn't a cure but there are still are some probable cause for all of us to look into. 

I am not judging anything, but the fact is, I was one of them. I had a strong team of support from my family and friends. I had that strength that pulled me out of my addiction. But looking at what is going on out there, do I wanna just not doing anything? Especially in my home country. Soon to be my former home country. One thing I will always remember, the time when it slaps me and make me realize what was I even thinking while I wasted that whole 2 years of my life. If only there is anything I could do, I would definitely trade places with you. 

I know that this post seems like to be in a messed and it's all over the place. But one thing I realize it is such a messed because when I took a step back and think, sometimes, it is not just about me and how my cancer affects my life. Yes, it will always be a thing that I go through every single day, and it's a fact that is not going to change. But out there in this world, everyone is going through something. Something that might be minor, or even worst than what I am going through. But what do I see from all of it? What I know now, is that loneliness that is killing you inside, that is a fact that I live with every day. So do I wanna just do nothing about it? Or at least put in the effort to make someone I care and love smile a little today?

There are always that choice we make every day. A minor one or a major decision. But no matter what decide on, we should be clear on where are we heading to. Yes I am flawed. I'm not denying that. But I remember someone once told me, a little change a day. That's all it takes. And yes indeed, that effort really paid off. Just not far back in the past, I was just a stray that no one wanted, an addict, and struggling to stay afloat in the music industry. And looking back now, what more could I ask for? (besides a heart donor with O neg type) I can't say my life isn't good, I can't say that I don't have a loving family, I can't say I don't have genuine friends and I can't certainly say my life is pathetic. Without all this crap, I won't be me now. I wouldn't love the life that I have now, I wouldn't appreciate the good in my life, and I wouldn't even see the sufferings of others around me. All these things going on are epidemic and one thing this world will never see all these, because of one single reason. The society. So the only question left is do I wanna give in to be a narcissist selfish prick or I should give in to all the good around me? 

P/S - I still think this is such a messy post. And I'm gonna blame it on my first dosage. 😝

All For Nothing

28 months being clean and now, it is all for nothing. I didn't know where would I even begin, but one thing for sure, no matter what I will be saying, it is all excuses. 

Grams had a bad fall last week and I guess those nights staying up taking care of her is where I actually begin to give in myself to the idea of doing it again. As much as I wanna say that it is awful, but it actually felt so damn good. The senses, the urge, and the sex, it was all so damn freaking good. Maybe I was off from drugs for that long, the first puff already put me in a good place.

I do think the sex could be better, but what can I say? Partly it is just that part of me wanted back that feeling I use to have. One week now after I took that dose, and relatively the after effect of it wasn't that bad after all. The usual paranoia wasn't there, the lost of appetite didn't even happen. The only thing happen was the tiredness kicks in after that few days without sleep and having sex excessively. 

But what made wary is after using it, I don't feel guilty at all. That part kinda made me thinking, what was I thinking? It took me 28 fucking months just to stay clean and there I was didn't bother and just did it like that. If for those regular chem users, I can't speak for them but for me, I was an addict. I'm not just a regular user, but a daily user of 1.8 - 2.5grams. Yes I didn't use that much this time round, it was just 0.5grams for me while D wasn't using. 

He asked me one thing that got me off guard. "You seems pretty much in control, why did you think it is causing you problems?" I didn't answer, gave him a kiss and.. You know what happen from there. Anyway, being in control isn't like abig deal but the thing about meth is, when you in control, that is where you start to fucked up your life.

But the good thing is, since last week till now, I didn't have the urge of wanting to do it. I can't say anymore, cause I know, an addict will always be an addict. But for now, I suppose I'm still in the clear of it at the moment. I missed it? yes without a doubt. The part of me that heighten my senses, being to connect easily and the urge of giving in was just something I haven't felt for a long time. But besides that part? I really didn't wanna fucked up my life the way I use to. Being in my 30s is a new start for me, and I really didn't want it to be like what it was in my late teens and twenties. 

As for the sex part, yes it was crazy awesome. Hadn't been that easy and crazy for me for a long time. 

        

Orgies

For every little past, there will be a little reminiscing that stirs. As much as I hate to admit it, yes I do miss those crazy times in the past sometimes. As crazy as it sounds, I use to be so crazy, I make sure most of my sexual fantasy comes to reality. And I can't believe that time really flies. 

Nearly 3 years now being clean from drugs, that crazy awesome feeling still does lingers till this very day. I've talked a lot in the past how drugs kinda ruined everything I had. So, I was wondering why not talked about the good things that really happened during that period. Haha.. Maybe good to me at that point in my life. Well, fallen over the wagon for the second time in my lifetime does give me the edge. Most of my blog readers would have already know at a younger age I was already once an addict. But during the first time, it was relatively just the drugs without the sex. 

Well after all that messy separation with Baby J, I just kinda wanna numb myself. And I can say it does help me to move forward easier. So, what's the juicy bits about the sex and the drugs. Firstly it does boost your confidence in yourself. It was my slutty period I could say most (not that I wasn't one before). What I really do miss once a while was that crazy sex parties. The orgies was just overwhelming. In a good way. My life for that 3 years was all about sex. Of course there were the good parties and the lousy ones. 

One of the best thing was this orgy I had that not just only consist great sex, and also all of us are great friends till this very day. Best part is all of us are clean right now. It was at one of those high end service residence. Cuz first, we were all high on drugs, we needed really right security. There was 6 of us. All different kinda demo. Most of us were versatiles in our roles, so, you can imagine how things were. 3days 2 nights, 6 men,7 packs of 24s rubbers, 5 bottles of lubes, the drugs, the alkohols. It was amazing. I get to live a few of my fantasies that weekend. Blindfold, domination ( well this was the hardest to fulfill as I am 193cm, so.. U get the picture ) getting and giving doubled, in the swimming pool and voyeurism. Just the 6 of us doing things we never would believe that would come true. 

Most of us are happily attached now, but we still do keep in touch. Well, don't see that we would jump into bed again, but those memories we created is kinda the dope! There are always things that have two sides. The good and the bad. It is a past that is worth reminiscing sometimes. But do I wanna go back to it? I'm not sure that I would, but it is worth remembering. And I guess a great orgy has it's own rule to be sure that it is fun. 

1. Respect each other

2. Everybody touches everyone and not to be picky 

3. Bond and just have fun

Those were the things I really learned how orgies can be fun if the company abide to all these rules. Crazy times! 

Fighting Addictions

Once again, here I am standing at a point where I question myself again and again. It is like a never ending war with myself. Not that I do not appreciate what life has given me, but being in the music industry, it is just a part of it. The sex, the drugs, the people around and all the crap of what others may throw towards you.

I love what I am doing, and I know what are the pros and cons being in the music scene. But the question now lies with how strong my will will last. Being a recovery addict, it is just not easy at all. 26 months now, being clean, I still just wanna screw myself over again.

Maybe it doesn't really make sense to many, but all I wanna do it just keeping myself clean. Surrounded with many who does cocaine, meth, heroine and weed, how long more can I stir clear from all these? After recording, they just doesn't seem to really care. They would just cooking it in front in your face. The next thing you know, they pass you the bong. I am not judging them, I was in that spot once. To fall off the wagon doesn't seems like a hard thing at all to me if I am being honest to myself.

You were always my anchor to sustain myself from these crap. But you were just not right here right now. I kept reminding myself about what will life be if I took this path. But somehow it seems to wear off easily. I am starting to give myself more reasons to just let go. Even giving myself the excuses with my condition didn't really seems to work anymore.

I love doing music, and I wanted to just stay. But will it be enough for me? The lust of wanting to have it. Let it be the sex, drugs, booze or even the feeling of just being high. I don't know really how am I going to cope. Emotionally, I needed to be in this state to put life into my music. But the more vulnerable I am, the easier I would fall off. 

All seems so messy for me right now. I just want it to stop. I just wanted you to be here right now. Tell me that it will all pass and I will be ok. I need to know we are gonna be ok. I needed help, and I am still fighting to just being on the right place.