Giving In

I decided to snap out from all that pity party that I was throwing myself in. Maybe, for once I should let myself go and giving in to the fact that nothing is going to change no matter what I want or need. I don't have that luxury to even want those torture to go away.

So what the heck. For all I know, if things goes as planned, I know I would have a little something to look forward to next week. Some good wines, maybe a 1991 Harlan Estate Cabernet Double Magnum, some good Italian dinner, champagne after? Brunch at Thirty8 one of my favorite place with my bestie, beers and pizza, gossip all night long with Leo, and staying at somewhere nice and decent. Maybe have a new tattoo? I missed Zombie, but I'm sure it won't be possible to see him. Why? Let's just not go there. All I am saying is, I really need this break from everything that is going on in my life. And for now, I just needed this so bad. Oh, did I mention ciggarettes? How ironic it is a terminal cancer patient wanting to have cancer sticks! But whatever, it's gonna be 24 hours with no rules and restrictions. Well, there is one, but well, I'll be with Leo all the time. I have a good annoying baby sitter and I think I'm in good hands. 

For what it's worth, giving in to the cold fact isn't that bad. (Maybe so far after my first dose I haven't felt the side effects kicking in just yet.) I guess for a long time now since September I haven't had that chance to sit back and give myself a break from all the crap that is going on. There is suddenly like so many things that popped up in my head that what I wanna do. Through out this period, one thing I found out that in Asia, the amount of people who are organ donors, people who are unaware of STDs, people who are having depressions, undiagnosed HIV victims, bully victims, domestic violence, and sexual and drug abuse. The list could go on and on, but there are always that cause to look into. Maybe at this point in time, colorectal metastasis hasn't a cure but there are still are some probable cause for all of us to look into. 

I am not judging anything, but the fact is, I was one of them. I had a strong team of support from my family and friends. I had that strength that pulled me out of my addiction. But looking at what is going on out there, do I wanna just not doing anything? Especially in my home country. Soon to be my former home country. One thing I will always remember, the time when it slaps me and make me realize what was I even thinking while I wasted that whole 2 years of my life. If only there is anything I could do, I would definitely trade places with you. 

I know that this post seems like to be in a messed and it's all over the place. But one thing I realize it is such a messed because when I took a step back and think, sometimes, it is not just about me and how my cancer affects my life. Yes, it will always be a thing that I go through every single day, and it's a fact that is not going to change. But out there in this world, everyone is going through something. Something that might be minor, or even worst than what I am going through. But what do I see from all of it? What I know now, is that loneliness that is killing you inside, that is a fact that I live with every day. So do I wanna just do nothing about it? Or at least put in the effort to make someone I care and love smile a little today?

There are always that choice we make every day. A minor one or a major decision. But no matter what decide on, we should be clear on where are we heading to. Yes I am flawed. I'm not denying that. But I remember someone once told me, a little change a day. That's all it takes. And yes indeed, that effort really paid off. Just not far back in the past, I was just a stray that no one wanted, an addict, and struggling to stay afloat in the music industry. And looking back now, what more could I ask for? (besides a heart donor with O neg type) I can't say my life isn't good, I can't say that I don't have a loving family, I can't say I don't have genuine friends and I can't certainly say my life is pathetic. Without all this crap, I won't be me now. I wouldn't love the life that I have now, I wouldn't appreciate the good in my life, and I wouldn't even see the sufferings of others around me. All these things going on are epidemic and one thing this world will never see all these, because of one single reason. The society. So the only question left is do I wanna give in to be a narcissist selfish prick or I should give in to all the good around me? 

P/S - I still think this is such a messy post. And I'm gonna blame it on my first dosage. 😝