As A Memory

Come as you are, come as you were, 

As a friend, as an old enemy.

Take rest as a friend, 

As an old memory.

I guess I could finally understand after these years what it all meant. Weeks and months passes and this feeling that I was carrying, it's finally lighten. I'm free from that dead weight. 

Sometimes, standing outside from the whole circle of life and look at all that is going on, it makes you feel that everything you do is just not enough. Especially towards the people you love and care for. I could say that I was desperate, I wanted to belong, I wanted it to feel right. And I nearly compromise my own to just fit in. Yes, without a doubt, and I admit that I was naive to do so. And I know that there were so many that care and love me just to be there to try and make me feel better. I'm grateful for that. I'm thankful. But that trigger came from the most unlikely places that I never expect did. 

I know that all of us, that growing up process, there are a lot of things we experience and feel. There are a lot of things that we do, then and there, right or wrong, it's all a journey. I had a very therapeutic chat with my bestie Rainer, and apparently, I wasn't the only person feeling the same way. Maybe it's just part of growing up. There were so many things in the world that we see around us, so many little detail of life. We made a lot of mistakes in life, and we learned from it. But one thing we both shared was the pain of the family and friends we love and care about. Sometimes, it's just out of our ability to give what they needed. Indulgence of what they feel and do. We could just stand at the sidelines and observe. 

That really hurts, but there is nothing we could do to make it right. Life is just so rich and there is so much to offer, and yet, it's as fragile as it is. I know that the irony of how life is. Some are fighting just to see the next sunrise, some are just wasting every single minute and let life goes through them. Question is.. Wait.. There isn't anymore questions. This is how life is. I kept asking myself why but in fact, it is still their life no matter what we wanna do or say. May it be from love, it doesn't matter. If they don't see what we see, they will never understand the intentions we have for them. And in the end, being quiet is the best thing we could do without screwing up that relationship. 

Yes, loving them means we would've gone a distance and do anything for them, but sometimes, they just have to go through their life on their own. Even it's not the right path, we just have to let it go. How irony it can be. At some point, we just gotta have everything and let everything go at the same time. You love, you hurt. You hate, you let it go. You cry, and you smile. Things are just not going to change. As much as easy to just kiss and tell. It is just not mine to grasp, even as much as I wanted. I even sometimes day dream about the "what if" maybe we would be happy, but maybe we wouldn't. I just needed to learn and respect that I would never know that outcome.

My besties told me to just put aside everything and love like I did. No regrets, it's gonna be tough, but we would have a beautiful memory. Oh believe me I wanted to so bad. But then, the question of would I wanna deny his freedom to be? Would I wanna deny his process to grow in a normal environment and to love freely? Would I wanna stop that future that he wanted? And all I will do is smile. It's just how things has ever been, and ever will be. I told myself, it's gonna be better this way. It will be. However or whatever I am feeling, it will eventually dies. And it will all gonna be okay. What cow said once is right, things won't work if it's one way. And I've choosen the easiest yet the hardest one together. I'm just repeating it my head, let it be, it's gonna be ok. It will soon be a memory.

I love you forever and always. Just in my own way. :)

Up next, the crazy outing of the two bitches. Coming soon. :)