I don't know if it's just the way I see what is left here for me or it is just the fact that I need to accept that the world is just the way it is. Maybe I just didn't tell myself enough that it is just not okay. There are so many things that's evolving around me. I know I would never able to stop it from changing, but what else can I hold on to?
I want things to be okay. I want me to be okay. But I am so freaking tired to keeping asking and wanting that. It is like wanting the impossible. Someone once told me, all these are a beautiful mess. It's something that could help me sail through my career. For one moment, yes it does. It's a gold mine for me to write my music with. But at times, you just want all the physical pain and mental torture to stop. 7 whole fucking years living with cancer, people tell me it is a blessing, and I'm strong and came such a long way to today. If I was honest to myself, I would say this is fucking hell I'm living in. Believe me, there was so many times I just wanted to let it all go and be over with. It just didn't happen the way I wanted it to be. It just went all wrong.
There was once my world was beautiful. I was special and now, I can only wish I was special. Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, I feel so out of place, like I don't belong anymore. I feel like I am just struggling to stay afloat to catch that breathe, just to hold on. But the question now is what is left for me to hold on to?
Maybe I am just really tired right now, maybe I just needed a break. I feel lonely most of the time, and it just felt like there is no one else left for me to just vent it all out. Yes of course I know there are a handful of love ones there will and always be there beside me. You guys meant the world to me, but it's not the same having one that really understand the path that is leading me to. There is no time left to think, there is no more places to go. Sometimes, I feel I just wanted to pull the trigger. Every heart beat I am feeling right now, there isn't time for me to even think about the value of my life. I know a fact that nothing will worth that thought. It is inevitable for me. All there is left, is just the thought of will there be another sunrise for me to feel that warmth on my skin. And sometimes, I just feel nothing at all.
They say, when you learn to love, you will learn to fall. I think I finally understood what that sentence meant. For some weird reason, that single thought of you, gives me a little sense of holding on. Worth it or not, I don't really care that much right now. But it is the one thing that make sense to me right now, and it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I needed it, I wanted it. But that is all I get... Just that thought. That is all I get.
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Frankly I don't even know how I came across your blog, nor have I any idea about reading them but just a few moments back I did read this and ponder awhile whether I should just read and quietly leave. But I think you deserve at least a hug. Not because I feel sorry for you but just because you deserve one for hanging on to life the way you did. Not everyone would stay sane and write about what they been thru. And thou I may not be in your shoe to fully understand your thots and feeling, I do know the feeling of loneliness in the sea of people, the jaded emotions of wanting yet not getting, the tiredness of it all. Hang in there bro for in life sometimes we have little control, be thankful for what we have around us and if you look hard you'll see you are not too bad as there are always someone far worst than what you are going thru. I am sure you already have plenty of pats on the shoulders and pretty words. I m no writer, in fact I barely even read, I go only for pictures so I really dun knw how to give you a sweet talk. So just a hug than.
ReplyDeletethank u. U got no idea what those words meant to me. :)
ReplyDeletehave you heard of indian gooseberries ? it's known as amla in india, and this fruit is considered to be the most sacred one among ayurvedic herbs, as it is known to cure many diseases including cancer, and recent studies showed that it has the ability to kill cancer cells without damaging the good cells, maybe you could search over the net for more info regarding this fruit, and perhaps you could ask your indian friends if they know any shops that sell fresh amla in your area, you could add it to your diet, have faith, there's a cure for every disease in this world, don't lose hope, my prayers for your recovery
ReplyDeletetake care and bless it be