Choices

Weeks past in a swift, that single feeling of where have time left you. There are so many things, so many questions that leaves you at the brink of wanting to know where does the road leads you to. When you thought that things are getting better, a relapse hits you. When you thought that you won't be alone, loneliness slaps you with it's presents. When you think life is finally moving to a better place, an impact of the cold world hits.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

There are so many nights that none of it I stop asking the question that when would all these be an end for me. Dying was never easy, but it's not the scaries thing in your mind when you are in my shoes. Cancer changes you, in a good way and also in a very dark way. Every small single detail in life matters to you. At one point, you fight on, thrive from all the excruciating pain you lived with, every day, every minute. And at times, you give in and wanting all of it to just stop and goes dark. Every single minute in life counts, and every single seconds, it changes it's perspective. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

With all this mess that is surrounding me, the urge of finding comfort in drugs grows. The loneliness in you gives you a free pass. I wanted to, believe me, I really wanted to. Just one burn, that is all I need. That is all I want. But will it really be? Looking at the world around me, almost half of the people I know were using it. But for the reasons that leads back to the worldly sins. I was them. No... I am them, if there isn't an anchor holding me back, I really am one of them. If Leo hasn't been there, I won't be even writing this but burning them instead.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Looking out my window, I see people, living thier lives. Some fighting for the right reasons to have a brighter and better life, some just living every part of it freely. I envied that freedom. Weeks, if not months, all I could do is seeing the world from a window. Having poisons into my body to have a better chance of living among them. Time seems to be a bitch towards hard times. Enjoying that seconds ticking that feels like an hour. My heart sank. I wanted to get out of here and just live that life a 30 year old should be living. Nausea is a loyal companion daily. And all you wanted at this very moment was some peace. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

When you are lying on the bed, both of your hands holding each other tight. Not because of the fear from the unknown, it is just somehow a comfort you that let yourself be a little less lonely. But when wasn't it lonely? The people closes to you interact with you through a tablet or they talk to you through a glass wall. But I yearned for human interaction. I am so tired from all these "the best for you" speech. You know it is all for you, but how can I conquer that? The last thing I wanted at this very moment was to be left alone. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Music has always been an output to me. Music is me. We all have our own way to deal with all these emotions that stirs inside you. The pile up of frustration and anger inside me, I needed an outlet. I know that to be able to live right now is a blessing. But if I was honest to myself, I hate the fact that all these relapses of my cancer, I hate the repeatitiveness of all these treatments, I hate would be able to live like every other people do. I wanna be out in the world. Making stupid decisions and mistakes like every single human out there. 7 years, and at least once a year I have to go through hell. When can I even have my first cancer free birthday part? 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

I missed you, but I know you could never be there for me. I wouldn't compromise to what I am doing. The more I wanted to push you out, the more I feel like I am cutting myself up. I really wish I could find my way out of this endless fight. I run away then your comfort brings me back. I can't escape all the love that we once had. Is it the only thing I've got in this broken life? I've tried to let you go more than a thousand times. Everytime I try, it's just my own lies suffocating me. I still care, but I just can't move forward from where u stand. I know I just can't survive this pain. There is still a ghost that haunts my soul. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left?