Malignant

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.

-  Kristin Armstrong

Hope - Part 007 : April 5th 2015

When there is a slightest bit of hope, don't you wanna know that? 

These are the most frequent question that almost everyone will ask me when I told them I really do not wanna know how my condition is and how things are at this very moment. There was one question that is burning in me to really wanna ask them back. 

Can you name the single worst, most malignant symptoms of terminal cancer? 

It's hope. It's recurrent. And it keeps creeping back in no matter how many times it gets ripped apart.

UM gave me hope in a phase 3 clinical trial. It failed.

NYU hope radio surgery would work. It didn't. 

And Cancer Institute Malaysia, has high high hopes for portent combinations of chemo and ablation. No go.

And every time the hope goes, it takes chunks of you with it. Until you can only find comfort in that ONE thing, that you know you can count on. 

They ask me why am I calm. I am not calm. I don't show doesn't mean I feel okay inside. They asked me to find comfort in a higher power. It's not that I do not believe. I only have this one question. Why would God let that happen, and I don't understand it. You can do everything right, and it doesn't even matter. Why.. I've been looking for answers for the past 7 years. 

There is a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the families left behind. We say. I'm sorry for your lost. It's a pad little phrase, and an empty one. It's doesn't begin to cover what actually is happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain. That dark, sinking relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that.

I know what it is walking into a hospital knowing that my condition is just a little to no chance of success. To do all the planning, treatments, and hoping and labor knowing in the end, it may amount to nothing, ven when it's impossible.But I know it is asked of me. If I can't do it, if I am not willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places, without stopping, even it seems impossible. I will never succeed. 

I can't get too close to just wanna give up. If I felt even a little of the love, the joy, and the hopes that my love ones are saying goodbye to, I wouldn't even able to function. Sometimes, I just wanna look you in the eye, tell you to " just take me home. Take me home, take me to bed and just hold me. "

That some little bit of support, some bit of peace, some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the mist of some place dark. An unexpected gift. Just when it needed most. That was that one thing that happened - You.

These few weeks hasn't been great for us. I know that you have been the light for me every single day. Keeping my smile going even when things are so bad. You kept my hopes up when I have lost them. You kept the optimism going when I have none to begin with.  You are the one thing good I have now. You are the one thing that keeps me from not believing things are bad. You are aart of that support that I always wanted on top of what I already had. You kept me going forward. 

But there is one thing I hope you'll read it here. The one thing you and I always avoided. If things goes the way we didn't expect to go... Remember this.. And I will keep on fighting on until I draw my very last breath of air. 

You have lost somebody. And you are hurting. But you will get through this. You can survive this. You are strong. It's okay. You are gonna be okay. I promised. And I will always be the one to tell you " Niey " before you go to bed. #3 always. 

Waiting Game

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work on Monday will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body. Some of you may have guessed that no news isn't always good news, especially in my world. It's been a rough couple of days - I'm not going to lie.

My lab work wasn't good. My CEA is up to 25.something. I can't even remember anymore. And, the more acute issue that I wasn't even aware of? My platelets are dangerously low.

When I went in to meet with my Dr on Saturday, it was pretty obvious we had issues. When they all walk in with "that look", you know it's not to share good news. While we are concerned that my CEA has spiked (which I hate hate hate hate), the platelets is a bigger issue. Typically, your platelet count should be at 150k. On Wednesday, mine were at 13k. They were pretty surprised that I was still standing. After some discussion, it was decided that I would have a transfusion of platelets, with the hopes that it would boost my numbers and jump-start my production.

As luck would have it, that didn't happen. The platelet transfusion was simple, about a 90 minute process from start to finish, once they had the blood type-and-screen done.

Decision was made to wait until Saturday (yesterday) to take blood again, to make sure my numbers bounced back to normal. I think we all assumed that my numbers would rebound.

When nurse walked in yesterday and said my Dr. would be in momentarily, I knew things weren't good. She let me down easily. My platelets were at 3k. 147k below where they should be. I didn't even know what to say. I was shocked. I had hoped that the numbers would rebound a little, not drop by 10k in 4 days.

To say I was upset would be an understatement.

During my meeting with my docs yesterday, it became pretty apparent that this is a huge issue. And, it's not just the fact that the numbers are low - the big concern is WHY the numbers are low. There appear to be a variety of reasons, which they are investigating.

They took 10 vials of blood from me yesterday (for a variety of tests, including 6 for a single send-out test to another lab). 10. I jokingly said that, if they stopped taking blood, maybe my numbers wouldn't drop so much. I don't think they found that funny, but sometimes humor is the only thing getting me through these obstacles.

I got a call last night that, after my transfusion yesterday, my numbers rebounded....a little. As of last night, they were up to 11k. It's better, but no where near where they need to be. And, apparently, my now my hemoglobin has dropped. I'm not even sure what that means, or what the next step for that will be.

This whole thing just sucks. I want to be mad, but there's nothing or no one to be mad at. That's very frustrating. I want to have some control over what's happening, even if it just means that eating something or taking something or doing something could help boost the numbers. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help my body do what it's supposed to do. That's infuriating.

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work tomorrow will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body.

I asked my Dr. yesterday....what happens next. She doesn't know. We had a brief talk about continuing with chemo, which seems to be doing more harm than good. That was a hard conversation for both of us to have. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I'm just voicing what goes through my head, and wondering where we go from here.

This just sucks. My platelets are being douchebags, and I can't do anything about it. I hate that.

I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that I can't go to KL, and I am missing you very much right now. Cancelling the trip sucked. It's just another reminder of how awful this is, and how little control I have over what's going on inside my body. And at times too, I can't help to ask am I even doing right by you for letting you be here with me. I am just so confused and I have no idea what else I could do. 

Time, Losing and A Relapse

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

- Marianne Williamson

Anger & Fear - Part 008 : March 25th 2015



I'm not afraid of moving on and letting go. It's just so hard to say goodbye to what I know. Especially when you know you have everything to lose. A relapse shouldn't be like a big deal any more after so many years, many may think.... But the fact is, it was never easy to even understand what went wrong. There were so much going on inside, that sometimes you feel like it is near impossible to even wanna let it all out. I'm looking out from the crossroads, and I wanna take a breath and close my eyes. But what makes this time even harder than the past? 

When my oncologist called and told me to come in, I already had that sick feeling in my stomach. Few weeks ago, when I see bruises on my arm, or under my armpits, bleeding while brushing my teeth, or just nose bleeding out of no where, to many these are just harmless occurrence that happens all the time. But these are the markers and red flags for me. I went back to her and she told me that there is nothing to worry and my stats are looking good. And now she said I needed attention immediately. I don't even have a week to think about when is the best time to start treatments. I lost it.. I told her she screw up.. but is that enough to make it go away?

There are things that we have in life that we wanna hold on to. There are the people that you never wanna let go. But at times like this, everything went into a grey area. I use to be clear of what I wanted. But what do I want? What can I do to make everything better? For him and also family and friends? I can't put myself in the right place to see what is next from here. 

I know this will never be over soon. But what can I do..... I wanna hold forever..... I don't wanna give in..... but what else can I do.... 

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

Away From Reality?

"Tell me all your secrets
Tell me your fears
I won’t push you away
I’ll only pull you near
No, I won’t judge you
I’mma help you through."

- Sia Fuller

Frustration  - Part 005 : February 26th 2015

There are so many things going on lately I just got no idea where should I even start. There are so many things that put me in a position to actually think about what are the things that is for me. Or should I say for us.

At times, I see life in a way it is so precious. Living with cancer is one thing that force you to actually see things the way it is. No short cuts, no running away. And saying that, I wanna surround myself with the positive people around me. I see from time to time, there will be some people that walked into my life, and right there and then, I just cut them off. One thing I realize, life is too short to even waste my life on those that doesn't cherish what they have. Yes, I do not deny that it really irritates me.

I am living with cancer, a handful or people I love and care for are suffering from terminal illness or even some living with an incurable condition. I was an addict. No.. I should say, I am an addict. I am 17 months clean now, but the crave will always be there. It is something worst than living with cancer. I have to admit that even I don't want to. The question is, there are so many of us are trying to live the right way, not running away and face our demons.

So, the question is, how would you feel when you are trying to do things right, and you see those around you that keeps throwing everything away? Yes I wouldn't deny that everyone yearns for something. But how does it gives a person to throw away a temple of good health when they just felt about their life doesn't go the way they wanted.

I have so much I wanted to write down right here. But I am not going to. Life is one thing I find it beautiful when you know what is the definition of life. You will never have what you wanted, but you will be given what you can handle. All you gotta do is be patient. I waited for a whole 4 years. And I found my anchor.

I am signing off for now heading off to China for a short alone trip. Time to clear my mind and recharge. And here is one thing I wanna share with all of y'all.. And to the special one : " A lot a lot, and muscle. Everyday and every minute... " :)

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

Fear & Life

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

- John Lennon

Fear - Part 006 : February 4th 2015



There are times when things are just spinning out of our control. There are so many things that we can think of avoiding these but fact is, it will never be in our grasp. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know a fact that whenever I am around him, I could totally forget that I am living with cancer. To a certain point, it is a good thing for me. I feel like I am living. But sometimes, I asked myself who am I fooling? Even if I felt that way, fact is, there will never be anything normal to begin with. Maybe this is the part that I love. He never see me as a sick person. I feel like I am living a life that is what meant to be lived. 

I won't deny from time to time, the burden I am carrying is heavy. I know I don't have to. But to a certain extend, it will always be. They say when you lose everything, let it be physical attachment, emotional attachments, or even monetary aspect of things. I think that I am now at a point where I know whatever I am doing, I can't fail in doing it. I think it's a healthy part of our relationship. We k now where we wanna be, and where we are heading towards. But sometimes, I just wanted the end result so bad, I just beat myself up inside. I can't get over the part where time is what I don't have. 

I do not know what is next, but I know where I wanna be next. I think there is a part of me that kept wanting to runaway from reality, that we are now having so many vacations. To a point where I know when I am having my time with him, I could lie to myself that I am just as normal as everyone else. But now lies the question of how long more could I run away from? I am now at a point I need to face my demons. Yes, I do fear. I fear that everything will change. I fear that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. A relapse after another is torture. But what can I do about it? It's been so long I've been living like this. Even though the game has change, one thing that will not change is the fear. It isn't the fear of the end, but the fear of what will things be if things goes the wrong way? 

One thing I could agree with a common saying, 

You got nothing else to lose when you don't have anything else to lose. 

It is true, but that doesn't apply when you are with someone else. You feel you got everything to lose. Today marked the third month since we fell in love with each other. Time flies, but there wasn't a day went by that I do not fear of losing everything. And yes, I will not deny now that I have everything to lose. It isn't about what physical or even monetary lost, but what you hold dear to your heart. Now I fear that I might lose the battle against cancer one day. What will happen if I do? 

There are so much more in life that what we hope for. But I am questioning if that hope is enough? Love drives you, but life, well.. Sometimes, life is just being a bitch. I am lost in a way. There are things that I wanted to make right where I know I couldn't just push the speed of it. I read about case studies that now medical studies had successfully deactivate the HIV virus. Of course these are great news to me as there are a few that I hold close to my heart are living with it. But everyday, I looked up on my google alert, there is near to zero on a thing for a cure to cancer. Put aside the terminal patience, for those who are living with it, I know it was never easy. But why... Is it too much to hope? 

I know I'm spiraling, but how would I able to stop? How would I even could for a minute just wished that it has a hope for living without it? The future made a lot of sense to me right now after having you in my life. But how could I achieve it? I need a way. I need hope.  I needed something to hold on to. I need that future. 

I need the fear to just let me go..

Being In Love & Loving Someone

It took me a very long time to learn the difference between being in love with someone and actually loving that person. I learned the hard way, the very, very hard way.

Hearts were broken repeatedly over the years, and although I wish the pain could have been avoided, the experiences taught me more than any book or class ever could.

I grew up on fairy tales and love stories that taught me to believe that being in love and loving are the same thing. That couldn’t be any further from the truth.

Being in love with someone and loving that person are two different things. Understanding the difference and being able to apply the knowledge to your own relationships is key to building a lasting relationship.

Here are a few differences between being in love and loving that I wish I knew a decade sooner:

When you’re in love with someone, you want this person.

Being in love is wanting to own a part of the other person. It’s believing this person is so wonderful that you want him or her to be a part of your life, a part of you. When you fall in love with a person, you feel an intense urge to consume that person in any way you can.

Being in love is believing you need someone in order to be happy.

When you love someone, you need this person.

You don’t just want — or rather, don’t only want — you need him or her. You need this person to live a happy and healthy life because your happiness literally depends on it.

You need him or her to be a part of your life in some way or another, not because you want to own a piece of this person, but because you want to give him or her a piece of yourself; loving someone is deeming him or her worthy of owning a part of you.

It isn’t about ownership; it’s about wanting only the best for that individual — something that often means letting that love go.

When you’re in love with someone, your emotions are always on high.

Your brain is producing the most amazing chemical cocktail, making you feel as if you were floating atop of a cloud. You get high just by being in love with a person — and it’s a sort of high you never want to let go of.

No one wants to come down from such a high. This is where the problem lies: You inevitably do come down.

When you love someone, your emotions settle and then fluctuate.

Loving someone isn’t as much about the emotions as it is about the thoughts.

Thinking about someone, wishing the best for that person, doing the best to make him or her happy and, well, caring for that person just as much as — if not more than — yourself, that’s what love is. The emotions that come with it are just the perks.

Once you have passed the stage of simply being in love with someone to actually loving him or her, you have to learn to let go of the constant high and to ride the less frequent waves as they come. They always come. They just aren’t the “in love” emotional state that only falling in love allows for.

When you’re in love with someone, you’re aiming to reach some goal.

That’s what makes falling in love so exciting — the constant yearning for more.

You want to spend more time with this person, get to know him or her better, be with this person as much as possible. You always want to have more, and want to build a greater, more serious relationship.

When you love someone, you aren’t rushing to reach the finish line.

The goal that being in love calls for no longer exists — but only because it’s already been reached. This often scares people because they begin to feel a need to continue making progress.

Unfortunately, everything in the universe is finite. You can’t make progress and continue building something greater forever. The only thing you can eventually do is keep reinforcing what you already have.

Being in love is not only understanding that what you have is all you need, but wanting to strengthen that bond indefinitely.

When you’re in love with someone, you think you care more about that person more than you actually do.

Falling in love is much, much easier than loving. When you’re in love, the chemicals in your brain and body make you feel as if the person is the greatest person in the world.

You believe this person to be the most amazing specimen you have ever encountered. Sadly, this way of thinking usually wears off as soon as the feel-good chemicals wear off. Then you’re left lost and confused.

When you love someone, you care about that person more than you think.

Being in love is easily recognizable, as it makes you feel a constant yearning, a constant need. Loving, on the other hand, doesn’t give you such constant reminders.

However, life always manages to give us those reminders. Life will often keep people away from us, harm those in our lives and sometimes even take them from us entirely.

When you truly love someone, such moments of separation and loss overwhelm you with emotion. People often forget how much they love a person — or fail to realize how much they love them — until life forces them to remember.

When you’re in love with someone, you can fall out of love with that someone.

What goes up must come down. In the case of falling in love, what comes down often crawls back up. If you can fall in love with a person then you know you can just as easily fall out of love with him or her.

Being in love — and romantic love altogether — is mostly a result of our minds’ creation. We make, or allow, ourselves to fall in love by romanticizing the individual as well as the relationship. When you’re in love, reality doesn’t always line up with your version of it.

When you love someone, you never really stop loving that someone.

Loving a person is something that defines you — it defines the person you are. Those we love, those we care about most, those who mean the most to us, and who have affected us most in our lives, are those who never really leave us.

They may remove themselves, or be removed, from our lives, but they never leave our minds. Their memory, the thought of them, makes us feel strong emotion. Their presence in our lives has had such an incredible influence on us that, because of them, we are different people.

When you love someone, you can’t stop loving that person because it would require you to stop loving a part of you yourself.

Control

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

- Maya Angelou

Inspiration - Part 005 : January 5th 2015

Every thing happens for a reason. Today has been a mixed of both good and bad. Life has always been a mystery. The things that we knew could somehow turns to strange situation that we sometimes couldn't comprehend. Living with cancer for the past few years made me see the world differently. I couldn't really say life have been tough on me cause I know that is not true. I've always been blessed with a great support system. My family, my love one, my friends all are my sources to keep me going. 

Every time when I see myself as a victim of life's own game, I realize there are the people I love and care for who are suffering as well. A big part of me wanted to do more. But how could I be able to do so? I can't handle myself at times too. Sometimes, I really wished I could just let my guard down and let people in to this realm where everything is just filled with agony and dispare. Believe it or not, I really wanted to. But in the end, I just naturally held back. It is like a part of me just didn't wanna let myself to be vulnerable.

But like I mentioned earlier, life has also been kind to me. Ever since Valentines Day two years back, I felt like a part of me didn't have to carry that weight myself. And now, having you in my life made me felt even more lucky. I remember I once told my bestie that I wouldn't be so lucky to have him. Apparently I am the lucky one. I'm grateful for that. And I love you to bits for that. 

But when things came down to Mr D. I felt like sometimes, I really wanted to shelter him from all the crappy stuff life have thrown at him. And I know a fact Leo would totally support me in this. When things seem to turn out a little better for him, another curve ball was thrown towards him. Something I could relate to all the time. The thing is, I don't know what I am feeling. 

Even for another character in my life I've never really mentioned in my blog before. I know these are tough times, but sometimes the more we wanna be in control of life, the more we couldn't grab a grip. I was left puzzled on why the temper? I was confused, but then again, I knew what happened. Through the years, I think I begin to understand sometimes, when the faith and trust we have among friends, when it isn't strong enough, things would easily just fall apart. I slept on it and it was just clear to me. I may not be in control in a lot of things in life, but I know who are the people that meant to me for me to hold on to. For that, I've learned how to let go. 

There are people that I wanted them to stay, there are also those I would just smile and nod and say goodbye to. Life is just a beautiful journey that I do not wanna put those un-needed thorns to it. There are so much more I wanted to do and so much more I wanted to make this life counts. What matters and what doesn't, it's just coming down to what I decide to do. I may not be in control in life, but I could certainly be in control on how I wanna feel about life. And I'm glad that I've decided on what I wanted. Suffering is inevitable, but feeling pain is a choice. 

My Life & My Happiness Is Ours

I sometimes, wish, I could be anonymous. Walk down the street of life. Before I moved to the states, I was a boy. In the music school, on the piano. I was just a boy who wanted a view of the beautiful beach. And now that things changes under circumstances, I think it's very difficult to do very simple things. Things without consequences. I think it's the hardest thing to give up. But my mother always taught me to be strong. And never to be a victim, never making excuses, never expect anyone else to provide me things that I know I can provide for myself. I have dreams. And I actually think I have the power to make those dreams to become a reality.

When you have a stand in the music industry, no one looks at you as a human anymore. You become the property of the label. There's nothing real about it. You can't put your finger on who I am. I can't put a finger on who I am. I am... Complicated. I've grew up with a lot of conflicts and traumas and I've been through a lot. Just like everyone else. My escape is always music. And I'm so lucky that that's my job. But if I've accomplished all of these things, and had no one to share with. It will be worth nothing. You know that you need something real. In order to need any of see stuff matter. You have to have something, that is FOREVER. Something that is invisible. 

I was brought up the same way my mother try to please and make everyone comfortable. And I always felt like its my job to fix problems. People pleaser. But, I'm no longer afraid of conflict, and I don't think conflict is a bad thing. Because I know, when you grow up, when you learned a few things, you no longer afraid of letting go. You no longer afraid of the unknown. You no longer afraid going to places and you're biting your mind and soul that make you feel uncomfortable. And it all starts from if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, I like that person. You know.. If I hadn't gone through some of the painful experience in my life, I would not be me. 

I feel like my body is borrowed in this life. And it is very temporary. I watched my friends body deteriorate, and see someone pass on so gracefully and puts everything in perspective. We do not value ourselves enough. Especially young people who don't really appreciate how brilliant our bodies are. I've always been very specific and choosy. About my body and who I wanna share with. People thinks that they lose something when they get into a relationship or marriage. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is nothing more exciting to be able to have a witness to your life. 

I always consider myself as an humanitarian activist, or something. All the while, I've always afraid of that word, cause people place so much on it. When honestly, it's very simple. It's just a person who believes in equality for men and women. Men and women balance each other out, and we have to get to a point where each other is comfortable with and starts to appreciate each other. Not just for the rights of humanity, or anything. It's just a general term. I have a lot of empathy for people and the pressures they go through and the cultures that has been created. Especially for all the LGBT and people who are going through terminal illnesses. Not because I am one of them, but because I understood how hard it is having to go through cancer, and I know a lot more people are far worst than I am. I have the same empathy for women. They women has to provide, so many things for their children. I consider myself, a humanist. 

You know, everybody is not good at everything. It's always okay to depend on someone. It's actually what we are suppose to do. We're supposed to depend on each other. And when you find the person that you trust, and you love, and you feel is going to respect you and take all the shit you have and turn around and bring out the best in you, it is indeed the most powerful thing in your life. 

Happiness comes from you. No one else can make you happy. You make you happy. The love you have just amplified that happiness that you already have. And one thing that's for sure, the love I have, the music, my lover, my friends, and my future, it's something that will last far beyond in my life. 

I'm thankful for embracing me, for understanding me, for being patient with my crazy. This is the life I am living. This is what I wanted it to be.

Venti . Grande . Tall

Well, just something I wanna share about. Me and Leo decided to start something crazy out of the blue. For some reasons, we kinda find it fun to just wanna write about our experience on the little small things we do. Travelling, food, architecture, arts, shopping and music.

So we started this new blog called Venti . Grande . Tall sharing all the little things we both find worth sharing. Maybe some are not.. but well, I suppose people would already know that about me and Leo. LOL. This is our heaven and it's all about the cities and destinations that make travelling worthwhile.

We enjoy nothing more than the thrill of the open road and the joy of discovering new places, delicious foods and wonderful cultures, while meeting amazing people. Just to put them all down in words and serves us as a beautiful little journal we both would cherish from now till the time to come. 

When two 3.8. get together, this is what you get :)

So for what we are going to do, we wanna share this little journal of ours with the world. We will be starting off with out little "Tai-Tai" splurging trip in Kuala Lumpur. So much more is in planning and here is some of the places we plan to go before year end. 

• Langkawi, Malaysia
• Bali, Indonesia
• Melbourne, Australia

Well, I guess for people who knows us, we are quirky, mental, and nothing happens within expectation. It is just every single detail we decide and do, it is always BOOMZ!

So, do have a look on what we are coming up with and follow us. Would love to hear from all of you and maybe give us some suggestions too on where and where should we go and explore. This world is just too big for just the both of us. 

X

So if a set X is identical with each of its aspects or parts or elements or whatever and X and any one of those are two and not one and the same, then what is X aside from all that? Is it the Whole? No, at least not in this ontology. There is no Whole. Or if there we say there is, then it is just one more element. So what is it? I have at times said it is the Form, the Platonic Form, the essence, even the thing itself. I have also called it a structure, which is an ordered set. 

 Still, there is an ontological mystery here. Indeed the very idea of identity, the not-different, is weird. It is a two-one thing. And is the nexus of identity a thing? I think it is, but Bergmann and others think it isn't. They thing the class and its members are one sans nexus. A strange sort of internal relation, a super-dependence. I think I see why they think that, but to me that fusion is confusion. Identity as a nexus is a thing. I say that knowing that paradox looms up ahead.


Most today would say that a set or a class is a mental construct. They have jumped into the Sun of philosophical Idealism. I cling as hard as I can to realism. There are no mental constructs. Sets or whatever they are exist external to thought. Psychologism will not do. Russell et al. wrestled with it for years and made little progress, if any. It's a bugger of a problem

Giving In

I decided to snap out from all that pity party that I was throwing myself in. Maybe, for once I should let myself go and giving in to the fact that nothing is going to change no matter what I want or need. I don't have that luxury to even want those torture to go away.

So what the heck. For all I know, if things goes as planned, I know I would have a little something to look forward to next week. Some good wines, maybe a 1991 Harlan Estate Cabernet Double Magnum, some good Italian dinner, champagne after? Brunch at Thirty8 one of my favorite place with my bestie, beers and pizza, gossip all night long with Leo, and staying at somewhere nice and decent. Maybe have a new tattoo? I missed Zombie, but I'm sure it won't be possible to see him. Why? Let's just not go there. All I am saying is, I really need this break from everything that is going on in my life. And for now, I just needed this so bad. Oh, did I mention ciggarettes? How ironic it is a terminal cancer patient wanting to have cancer sticks! But whatever, it's gonna be 24 hours with no rules and restrictions. Well, there is one, but well, I'll be with Leo all the time. I have a good annoying baby sitter and I think I'm in good hands. 

For what it's worth, giving in to the cold fact isn't that bad. (Maybe so far after my first dose I haven't felt the side effects kicking in just yet.) I guess for a long time now since September I haven't had that chance to sit back and give myself a break from all the crap that is going on. There is suddenly like so many things that popped up in my head that what I wanna do. Through out this period, one thing I found out that in Asia, the amount of people who are organ donors, people who are unaware of STDs, people who are having depressions, undiagnosed HIV victims, bully victims, domestic violence, and sexual and drug abuse. The list could go on and on, but there are always that cause to look into. Maybe at this point in time, colorectal metastasis hasn't a cure but there are still are some probable cause for all of us to look into. 

I am not judging anything, but the fact is, I was one of them. I had a strong team of support from my family and friends. I had that strength that pulled me out of my addiction. But looking at what is going on out there, do I wanna just not doing anything? Especially in my home country. Soon to be my former home country. One thing I will always remember, the time when it slaps me and make me realize what was I even thinking while I wasted that whole 2 years of my life. If only there is anything I could do, I would definitely trade places with you. 

I know that this post seems like to be in a messed and it's all over the place. But one thing I realize it is such a messed because when I took a step back and think, sometimes, it is not just about me and how my cancer affects my life. Yes, it will always be a thing that I go through every single day, and it's a fact that is not going to change. But out there in this world, everyone is going through something. Something that might be minor, or even worst than what I am going through. But what do I see from all of it? What I know now, is that loneliness that is killing you inside, that is a fact that I live with every day. So do I wanna just do nothing about it? Or at least put in the effort to make someone I care and love smile a little today?

There are always that choice we make every day. A minor one or a major decision. But no matter what decide on, we should be clear on where are we heading to. Yes I am flawed. I'm not denying that. But I remember someone once told me, a little change a day. That's all it takes. And yes indeed, that effort really paid off. Just not far back in the past, I was just a stray that no one wanted, an addict, and struggling to stay afloat in the music industry. And looking back now, what more could I ask for? (besides a heart donor with O neg type) I can't say my life isn't good, I can't say that I don't have a loving family, I can't say I don't have genuine friends and I can't certainly say my life is pathetic. Without all this crap, I won't be me now. I wouldn't love the life that I have now, I wouldn't appreciate the good in my life, and I wouldn't even see the sufferings of others around me. All these things going on are epidemic and one thing this world will never see all these, because of one single reason. The society. So the only question left is do I wanna give in to be a narcissist selfish prick or I should give in to all the good around me? 

P/S - I still think this is such a messy post. And I'm gonna blame it on my first dosage. 😝

What More Could I Expect?

10 080 minutes. That is 7 days. The thought of am I dead or is this a dream kept running in my head. So is this all a dream? It's hard to even see myself. Like this, stuck in this box, stuck with tubes, I just don't wanna it all to end like this.

I can't do this. All day, everyday, I'm hoax and prodded like a piece of meat. I'm suffocating in every way. The air in my room is stale, and I just can't stop thinking about everything I'm not doing. I look out my window and get angry of all these people just living their lives while I'm stuck in here missing everything. I I hate this feeling and I shut my blinds so I just don't have to look at it anymore. Just.. I have to get out of here. No one would  understand. Everyone would just freak out and ask me to just stay.  

I know being here doesn't feel like living, but I gotta do it. Everyone tells me I gotta do it and everyone says I gotta beat this thing. I can't stop thinking about my future. I refuse to accept that I wouldn't have one. Because I know I'm suppose to live. I still know that, but it's just this poison inside of me that wanna make me forget. How can I not let it? No one could truly understand, and no one would listen. I'm scared. I don't know, I just feel like this will never end. 

Even being here, there are so many things keeps spinning and spinning. I'm upset of the thought of the people around me dying, even I don't know most of them, because it makes me aware of my own mortality. I couldn't forget even I want to about what happen that night. But I'm not the one shop to get on board on. And that moment I walk away, it still haunts me till now. 

I know there are a lot of people I could talk to. But... It's just different. You know when you are sick, and you have someone who is sick, you can have these conversation about life and death and what it all means. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't even know what it means all between you and me. It's not fair in many levels. I can't have a reaction to this. People tell me I'm one of the lucky ones. How am I lucky? All I feel now is just fear and anger. I'm not ready. I'm really not ready to just go. I wanna just break free from all these, and be me. The me who will do and live the way I wanted. 

This is happening to me weather I like it or not. And being sick, I'm starting to realize, and let me see things in a way that most people can't. How this is kinda weirdly being a gift. But a gift I would totally give it back plus a full refund, but I can't. I know, no amount of money and no amount of privilege I would get to be exampted the exactly feeling of being shipped off a war that you never even enlisted for. Throughout these years, the only lucky thing I can think of the new sides of myself that I discover with this journey. A will that I never knew I had after Eli was torned away from our family. I get to see new sides of the people who matters the most to me, as they wrapped me in their love and strength when mine is running low. But even then, why are there so many things that I can't say it out loud? Especially to Dumdum. 

All I can do now is fight. Fight with all that I have left within me. Fight like hell. Because really, what other choice do I have? 

Things You Wanted

Human beings, need a lot of things to feel alive. Family, love, sex. But we only need one thing, to actually to be alive. We need a beating heart. When our heart is threaten, we response in one of two ways. We either run, or we attack.

There's a scientific term for this. Fight or flight. It's instinct. We can't control it. Or can we? 

When you thought you knew a person, without a doubt, you would say, " I do know that person." But more than we know, there is a possibility here. Given a choice for loving or staying. Your instinct tells you to run. A sane person who values his values in life would run and gives the other a chance to live. A normal and care free life to live.

Trying to put things in perspective. When you know dying is just a part of life, but what else would you do to put it in perspective? You just can't. For 7 years, I had to live for the choices of my doctors. The guys that cut me open, decides the one choice that was mine. 

And now, I have this heart that beats. I wanna get the choices I make. I wanna get to make my own decisions. I wanna get to be like everybody else. I wanna have my own life. Do the whatever damn hell I choose. 

This is part that I know I couldn't choose. I couldn't choose you. You are the one I wanna wake up with, and go to bed with, and do everything in between with. But I just never get to have that choice. I don't get to choose. I wanna stop fightin myself, but I know I just can't. I don't wanna do this to myself. But can I? 

There are a lot of things I need. There are a lot of emotions I want. There are so much but all are just something that fades away soon enough. 

Running Away

You dropped the bomb
And now you're gone
I held you dear
You swallowed my fears
And now I've drunk my last beer with you

Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
Yeah you, you will be loved
Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass

Yeah you you will be loved by somebody good
By somebody good

It all began with this beautiful song. I grew fonder to her work. I was asking how many artists or writer today out there still creates music for music? We all know there aren't many. Somehow, the more I listen to it, the more I know it forces me to face reality. There are so much that is going on right now sometimes running away is one of the coping machanism that works.

When excuses are running out, I realize sometimes it is just feels like you are being tied to the bed and left naked. Being left there, being vulnerable, and helpless. Running away seems the right thing to do. Putting it all into my music and somehow, I feel that if I am not talking about it, it won't be so surreal for me. And yes, I guess it isn't just the right time to pen it down right now. 

Every moment that pass through right now, it feels like a time bomb. You have no idea what will happen next, I know it isn't easy to understand, but I'm sure everyone in my ACS family would know how this feel is. I just won't break. I know eventually, it will cost me something, but it is all I'll ever do.

I wish I'm good in words. My music somehow would be complete if only I could express it in the way I could in my melody. Cow has been busy being a mom now, and I really don't wanna take that away from her. But who else that would understands me enough to help me finish up all this melodies? Dumdum? He would be the last person I would want to hear what I've written. 

I guess these few weeks has been the toughest period for any of us. But a promise is a promise. A 5 minute video a day. That is all we could compromise at this moment. Even though it is good on my creative side,  can't stop wondering if the circumstances were different. The more I think of it, the more I know it will be a blank page. 

I'm unprepared, I'm scared. But what more I could do? What more I could give for all these hurt to stop? I need a sign, I need a way... 

The Support System

"Don't deny yourself the support system."

Those were the exact words Kevin told me years ago. Having cancer and living with it is one thing. But there is one thing that all of us who are struggling will agree on this. Feeling alone all the time. 

There are people that we love like our love ones, family and friends there to support us. But is it really enough? Once, I thought that it would be. But it isn't. Before Kevin told me this, I always thought I wasn't the support group kinda person. But he was right. The more I deny that, the more lonelier I get. But when is it exactly that you'll let yourself tell yourself that it is enough? No doubt our love ones, family and friends will be there for us, but that doesn't count. The people who understand the language you are speaking does make that difference.

The best of ways I can say is surround yourself with the people who can handle it. Because it is a lot to handle. Yes family and friends may be empathetic towards what you are going through. But sometimes, when they are helpless and when they kept silent, that is when the loneliness haunts you. Sometimes, one of the reasons why I don't write much about my cancer is because, it is so hard to put yourself out there. 

Future is like a fantasy to us, because we cope and fight to live on everyday. Answering the question "How are you?" Is the hardest thing you could find the right answer for it. You live in a world where everything you do is at arms length. And that distance let you feel safe. But the longer this goes on, that loneliness will crawl into you and eventually, giving up seems to be a good option.

Sometime nearly 2 years back, I remembered it was tough. After chemotherapy, My body was in septic shock. Rashes, bruises, and i looked like I was burned. I was in pain, and no one around me could understood what state I was in and what was the thing I wanted best for myself. Obviously I turned a corner from that episode, but the one person who understood me was there with me all the way. I wouldn't have made it without him if I was honest. He didn't had cancer, but he is living in a way that he could relate and handle. To live with something everyday that you wished you never had to begin with. 

For some reason, I needed that support and it helped me so much that I couldn't describe how thing would be if I hadn't have that source to hold on to. But I realize in Malaysia, there aren't much of a support system that people who are struggling to have this grip. Not just the people who have cancer, but also those who are living with terminal condition. It kept me thinking how things would be for them and how hard it is for them to wrap their heads around what's happening. Even I feel the effect that it could put on you. Most of the time, I just wanna be left alone. And in my case, lying in the bath tub was one of the ways to make me feel safe. But this doesn't make it right. There is so much I wanna do, but I know I just can't do it by myself. But where do I begin? Do I wanna just put on a blind eye and let it slip? I really don't know.. But with my condition right now, there sing much I could do either ways.

Don't feel ashame who you are telling when. You'll have to give yourself time to wrap your head around it. And never deny the support system. When a person who doesn't have cancer asked you "are you ok?", you know that it is different from a person who speaks your language. Finding myself to forgive my cancer, and trying to make sense of why is this happening to you is the hardest thing you'll ever do. When I wasn't ok, I just didn't wanna answer to a question like a friendly "how are you?" Cause you know it will be a lie to begin with.  

In my American Cancer Society family, Shae, with breast cancer, Vincent with lymphoma, Gerald with Leukemia, it makes it easier. And when Kevin move on from his cancer, this was his legacy. In the end, it doesn't matter that Kevin couldn't save himself or the world. The legacy of his words was never about weather or not he could cure cancer. It was about the community he created with the people who are struggling. With his support, he helped a lot of people feel a little less...  alone. 

Reality In Desires

Have you ever wanted the touch of another person's on your skin? The breath of another on your neck? The taste of another's tongue in your mouth? And that ecstatic orgasm of another's with yours? We all have that point where we wanna give into our inner desires. For all the taking however we choose, which way would I wanna give into? To satisfy my desires? Or to just let it be and waiting for it to pass away with time?

For some time in my past, I was a slave to my desires. (3-4 years if I wasn't mistaken) I would give in without even have to think twice. The things that I've ruined and the person I was after, was just too much for anyone to take in.

But giving the circumstances that I have right now, all those emotions were somehow secondary. I didn't want anyone else's touch on my skin, but I wanted your touch collide with mine. I am yearning for that familiar taste of your tongue instead of another's. I wanted that warm breathe that isn't foreign but that calms me. That ecstatic orgasm is just something I use to think about, but I crave for that synchronicity of our bodies reacts.

Maybe you could call this part of growing up. Many things that use to be exciting and give me that electric ecstasy was just something I look back and smile and say those were the wild crazy days.

As far as the eye can see, there is something about us that gives us that edge for something we always wanted. It isn't perfect at all with what we have, but all those imperfection makes it our safe heaven.

Don't get me wrong, desires will always be there. It always has, but what are our priorities to it. I know that many of those crazy things I use to do, might just stay as a past. Yes, I say might cuz in life, we really wouldn't know what is next would we?

I know that there are many things ahead of us that will challenge what we have. But all I could think of right now is how unfair it's just our love. Found something real that out of touch. But when we touch, the whole wide world is just at our finger tips. The quiet nights in New York city with just us lying in our bed, dreaming about the world that we own. The touches and kisses are the custom of the world we live in, and nothing seems to stop us for letting the natural desires in both of us living in our reality.

I have no idea at all how this post became such content. It wasn't my intention at first, but all I can think of is New York, Santa Monica and Los Angeles. Every smile that I see now in my head is so vivid. The memories of just us holding hands walking down the beach. Even when we don't talk, it wasn't lonely. It felt complete. It felt... right...

I am just missing you badly right now. I guess my initial intention for this post will have to wait then.

Welcome Into The World

With all the love the world could give.. Welcome into the world little baby moo-cow. So excited when I got a call from your dad. Your mom wants you to be a gymnast, and your dad wants you to be loved everywhere you go.

Maybe in many years time, you would stumble on this when you grow up. But just you know, your mom and dad are one of the most humbled and amazing people I've ever known in this world. Uncle Ric can't wait to be in Nashville and spoiled you with all the love I could give.

Lotsa love baby moo-cow (R-R-B) Grow up happy and know you are always loved. 

懂得爱

懂你的人，会用你所需要的方式去爱你。不懂你的人，会用他所需要的方式去爱你。于是，懂你的人，常是事半功倍，他爱得自如，你受得幸福。不懂你的人，常是事倍功半，他爱得吃力，你受得辛苦。两个人的世界里，懂比爱，更难做到。所以，要让那个能懂你的人爱你

你的一生会遇见很多人。有人爱你，有人忌妒你，有人把你当做宝，有人不把你当回事。你痛了，你累了，你失落了，你错过了，这些统统与人无关，你的未来，统统要你自己负责

如果我爱你，而你也正巧的爱我。你头发乱了时候，我会笑笑的替你拨一波，然后，手还留恋的在你发上多待几秒。但是，如果我爱你，而你不巧的不爱我。你头发乱了，我只会轻轻的告诉你，你头发乱了喔。这大概是最纯粹的爱情观，如若相爱，便携手到老；如若错过，便护他安好

心情签名屋:

发怒，是用别人错误惩罚自己；

烦恼，是用自己的过失折磨自己；

后悔，是用无奈的往事摧残自己；

忧虑，是用虚拟的风险惊吓自己；

孤独，是用自制的牢房禁锢自己；

自卑，是用别人的长处抵毁自己。

摒弃这些，你就会轻松许多。

每一次选择都必须是一次超越，否则就不要选择；每一次放弃都必须是一次升华，否则就不要放弃。做人最大的乐趣在于通过奋斗去实现理想，所以选择放弃意味着我们还要更加完美，有缺点意味着我们还要更加努力。放弃是一种智慧，缺陷是一种恩惠。因为有新的目标去奋斗，人生才会更精彩！