Malignant

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.

-  Kristin Armstrong

Hope - Part 007 : April 5th 2015

When there is a slightest bit of hope, don't you wanna know that? 

These are the most frequent question that almost everyone will ask me when I told them I really do not wanna know how my condition is and how things are at this very moment. There was one question that is burning in me to really wanna ask them back. 

Can you name the single worst, most malignant symptoms of terminal cancer? 

It's hope. It's recurrent. And it keeps creeping back in no matter how many times it gets ripped apart.

UM gave me hope in a phase 3 clinical trial. It failed.

NYU hope radio surgery would work. It didn't. 

And Cancer Institute Malaysia, has high high hopes for portent combinations of chemo and ablation. No go.

And every time the hope goes, it takes chunks of you with it. Until you can only find comfort in that ONE thing, that you know you can count on. 

They ask me why am I calm. I am not calm. I don't show doesn't mean I feel okay inside. They asked me to find comfort in a higher power. It's not that I do not believe. I only have this one question. Why would God let that happen, and I don't understand it. You can do everything right, and it doesn't even matter. Why.. I've been looking for answers for the past 7 years. 

There is a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the families left behind. We say. I'm sorry for your lost. It's a pad little phrase, and an empty one. It's doesn't begin to cover what actually is happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain. That dark, sinking relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that.

I know what it is walking into a hospital knowing that my condition is just a little to no chance of success. To do all the planning, treatments, and hoping and labor knowing in the end, it may amount to nothing, ven when it's impossible.But I know it is asked of me. If I can't do it, if I am not willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places, without stopping, even it seems impossible. I will never succeed. 

I can't get too close to just wanna give up. If I felt even a little of the love, the joy, and the hopes that my love ones are saying goodbye to, I wouldn't even able to function. Sometimes, I just wanna look you in the eye, tell you to " just take me home. Take me home, take me to bed and just hold me. "

That some little bit of support, some bit of peace, some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the mist of some place dark. An unexpected gift. Just when it needed most. That was that one thing that happened - You.

These few weeks hasn't been great for us. I know that you have been the light for me every single day. Keeping my smile going even when things are so bad. You kept my hopes up when I have lost them. You kept the optimism going when I have none to begin with.  You are the one thing good I have now. You are the one thing that keeps me from not believing things are bad. You are aart of that support that I always wanted on top of what I already had. You kept me going forward. 

But there is one thing I hope you'll read it here. The one thing you and I always avoided. If things goes the way we didn't expect to go... Remember this.. And I will keep on fighting on until I draw my very last breath of air. 

You have lost somebody. And you are hurting. But you will get through this. You can survive this. You are strong. It's okay. You are gonna be okay. I promised. And I will always be the one to tell you " Niey " before you go to bed. #3 always. 

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Can't Be Judge

Love can't be judge. When you love someone, you just know that whatever that happens, you would somehow just put there before anything above you. Maybe some people might not agree. There will always be the giver and the taker. But when it comes to the heart, I believe most people would agree that there is nothing more than just words could explain how and what that feels like. The only thing is left to ask is how do we know that it is love? Or is it just an infatuation. So I suppose that now the only thing left for me is to know if it was love or it was just an infatuation.


If I am being honest about how I really feel, I could say I really haven't a clear idea if it was love or it was an infatuation. Of course this would be crucial and to be fair to the other person. This question has been over and over my head. I know a fact that if it was an infatuation, in the end, not just the relationship, even the friendship would be ruined. I wanted to make the right call, I wanted to do right on him. I've been through once with another person who after 6 months of dating walks up and tell you that it was just an infatuation in the end. Yes it hurts. Was it as bad as the time I screw my marriage over? No... But still, it hurts.

But the thing is, there is a part of me is trying to block out all these emotions that I was feeling. In a way, I know I couldn't do much on the current point we both stand. Even if we were cuddling or we were just being by each other side, there is and always be that hurdle between us. Yes I know that a big part of it was my own decision to make. I knew that there is so much more I wanted to give but I really can't. And that leads to the part of me that I gotta just live with the decisions I've made.

Every day, all I wanted to do is tell you how much you meant to me. All I wanted to do is tell you how beautiful my day was with you around. All I wanted to do is hold you close and letting you know how much I wanted to spend the time we have together. And in the end, the first question I've asked just doesn't exist anymore. If it was just an infatuation, I wouldn't feel this weight on my chess right now.

When all of the questions had an answer, the only thing was left behind, it was just me with that idea. Would've been a beautiful disaster? Or would've been a bitter sweet ending. I know that feeling is strong, I know what I wanted. I always knew. But could I really have that ending I wanted? Would I wanna hold you back? Or should I just let things be the way it was? I wanted to be judged. I wanted to be told where should I go from here. I wanted a way. A way that will leads to a perfect beautiful story.

There is still so much I wanted. But there is nothing in the whole wide world I wanted more than just you. Growing old together, having that same old brainless conversation, being who we are, nothing more, nothing less. Sounds so simple. Of course it is. For any healthy walking person, it is that simple. But for me, you are just so far out of reach. I know deep down, it is just not my game. The roulette table will just keep spinning, and that white ball will never land on my favor. I've accepted that. It is my turning tables. All I really wish for is you knew how much you really meant to me and how much I wanted to tell you everything that I am feeling right now. One day baby.. maybe one day. I love you.

Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark 

With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart 

They say that promises sweeten the blow 

But I don't need them, 

I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long 

As if I'm becoming untouchable 

I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness 

I need this I need a lullaby,a kiss goodnight,angel, sweet love of my life 

I need this 

I'm a slow-dying flower Frost-killing hour 

The sweet turning sour and untouchable 

Do you remember the way that you touched me before 

All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored 

Your face-saving promises 

Whispered liked prayers 

I don't need them

That Is All I Get

I don't know if it's just the way I see what is left here for me or it is just the fact that I need to accept that the world is just the way it is. Maybe I just didn't tell myself enough that it is just not okay. There are so many things that's evolving around me. I know I would never able to stop it from changing, but what else can I hold on to?

I want things to be okay. I want me to be okay. But I am so freaking tired to keeping asking and wanting that. It is like wanting the impossible. Someone once told me, all these are a beautiful mess. It's something that could help me sail through my career. For one moment, yes it does. It's a gold mine for me to write my music with. But at times, you just want all the physical pain and mental torture to stop. 7 whole fucking years living with cancer, people tell me it is a blessing, and I'm strong and came such a long way to today. If I was honest to myself, I would say this is fucking hell I'm living in. Believe me, there was so many times I just wanted to let it all go and be over with. It just didn't happen the way I wanted it to be. It just went all wrong. 

There was once my world was beautiful. I was special and now, I can only wish I was special. Everywhere I go, everywhere I am, I feel so out of place, like I don't belong anymore. I feel like I am just struggling to stay afloat to catch that breathe, just to hold on. But the question now is what is left for me to hold on to? 

Maybe I am just really tired right now, maybe I just needed a break. I feel lonely most of the time, and it just felt like there is no one else left for me to just vent it all out. Yes of course I know there are a handful of love ones there will and always be there beside me. You guys meant the world to me, but it's not the same having one that really understand the path that is leading me to. There is no time left to think, there is no more places to go. Sometimes, I feel I just wanted to pull the trigger. Every heart beat I am feeling right now, there isn't time for me to even think about the value of my life. I know a fact that nothing will worth that thought. It is inevitable for me. All there is left, is just the thought of will there be another sunrise for me to feel that warmth on my skin. And sometimes, I just feel nothing at all.

They say, when you learn to love, you will learn to fall. I think I finally understood what that sentence meant. For some weird reason, that single thought of you, gives me a little sense of holding on. Worth it or not, I don't really care that much right now. But it is the one thing that make sense to me right now, and it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I needed it, I wanted it. But that is all I get... Just that thought. That is all I get. 

Choices

Weeks past in a swift, that single feeling of where have time left you. There are so many things, so many questions that leaves you at the brink of wanting to know where does the road leads you to. When you thought that things are getting better, a relapse hits you. When you thought that you won't be alone, loneliness slaps you with it's presents. When you think life is finally moving to a better place, an impact of the cold world hits.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

There are so many nights that none of it I stop asking the question that when would all these be an end for me. Dying was never easy, but it's not the scaries thing in your mind when you are in my shoes. Cancer changes you, in a good way and also in a very dark way. Every small single detail in life matters to you. At one point, you fight on, thrive from all the excruciating pain you lived with, every day, every minute. And at times, you give in and wanting all of it to just stop and goes dark. Every single minute in life counts, and every single seconds, it changes it's perspective. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

With all this mess that is surrounding me, the urge of finding comfort in drugs grows. The loneliness in you gives you a free pass. I wanted to, believe me, I really wanted to. Just one burn, that is all I need. That is all I want. But will it really be? Looking at the world around me, almost half of the people I know were using it. But for the reasons that leads back to the worldly sins. I was them. No... I am them, if there isn't an anchor holding me back, I really am one of them. If Leo hasn't been there, I won't be even writing this but burning them instead.

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Looking out my window, I see people, living thier lives. Some fighting for the right reasons to have a brighter and better life, some just living every part of it freely. I envied that freedom. Weeks, if not months, all I could do is seeing the world from a window. Having poisons into my body to have a better chance of living among them. Time seems to be a bitch towards hard times. Enjoying that seconds ticking that feels like an hour. My heart sank. I wanted to get out of here and just live that life a 30 year old should be living. Nausea is a loyal companion daily. And all you wanted at this very moment was some peace. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

When you are lying on the bed, both of your hands holding each other tight. Not because of the fear from the unknown, it is just somehow a comfort you that let yourself be a little less lonely. But when wasn't it lonely? The people closes to you interact with you through a tablet or they talk to you through a glass wall. But I yearned for human interaction. I am so tired from all these "the best for you" speech. You know it is all for you, but how can I conquer that? The last thing I wanted at this very moment was to be left alone. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

Music has always been an output to me. Music is me. We all have our own way to deal with all these emotions that stirs inside you. The pile up of frustration and anger inside me, I needed an outlet. I know that to be able to live right now is a blessing. But if I was honest to myself, I hate the fact that all these relapses of my cancer, I hate the repeatitiveness of all these treatments, I hate would be able to live like every other people do. I wanna be out in the world. Making stupid decisions and mistakes like every single human out there. 7 years, and at least once a year I have to go through hell. When can I even have my first cancer free birthday part? 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

I missed you, but I know you could never be there for me. I wouldn't compromise to what I am doing. The more I wanted to push you out, the more I feel like I am cutting myself up. I really wish I could find my way out of this endless fight. I run away then your comfort brings me back. I can't escape all the love that we once had. Is it the only thing I've got in this broken life? I've tried to let you go more than a thousand times. Everytime I try, it's just my own lies suffocating me. I still care, but I just can't move forward from where u stand. I know I just can't survive this pain. There is still a ghost that haunts my soul. 

But what can I do about it? It all goes back to me keep fighting on. What choice do I have left? 

After That Time

Day 1

Eric... Eric.. Keep it together, you can do this. Stay with me Ric..

Eric... Eric.. are you there? You are here now. There is no avoiding it.

Where?

First step, reminiscing and retracting.

I don't wanna get up.

That's fine, you can lay here all day. You can cry all night, you are allow to do all the things you promise yourself you never allow yourself to do. Like to watch an old video call just to hear his voice, or wished he messaged you. Just you know he is thinking of you too. But at the same time wished that he wouldn't, cause it would only make you miss him more.

You know you shouldn't, but... you text him. Maybe even call him. You'll fight it, but you'll lose. You watched the sappy soap series, it's cliche, but go ahead, eat from the carton.

I miss everything about him.

What do you miss?

How steady he felt, when I hug him tight,  the way he would rest his chin on top of my head, how reassuring it felt when I just snuggle in him. That look in his eye when he accidentally ate the last crisp in the Pringles bottle. The way he kisses after his shower, it make me quenched at the time, but now it just makes me smile.

I miss it all.

That's ok, you are allow to. You're suppose to. It's ok to look like crap and don't care. Who are you trying to impress anyway? You see him?

Everywhere..

It's ok to purposely avoid all those places and things. You just wanna be alone. Your friends wanna talk, and taking you out, but.. all you want is...

To shut off all the lights. crawl up in bed, and cry a little more...

Your friends try to help, by saying..

You can do so much better, fight it...You've come such a long way.. Fight on.. Don't give in..

I don't wanna hear any of that... It doesn't help at all. I just needed back my life.

Or.. do you just miss the thought of him? You missed the routine, comfort, the body, that's all.. right?
Now... at this point, you just miss him.. And that's okay..

Day 5

Eric... Eric... Are you there?

Yea..

Do you wanna get up?

Actually.. I do. How long was I there?

It doesn't matter. All it matters is you're ready.

For the next step, Release.

I'm hungry...

I think you can put on some effort to put something on to look sorta decent.

And what is that?

Tie up your hair? or shave it all off before the side effects kicks in? cover up all the scars and put on your nail protector. Not too much?

Call up one or two close friends to catch up. You are ready now to talk about what you are going through. But this time, with a clear head. You might see beautiful things in life, but nothing stirs inside your heart. It's okay.. The world is different now from where you stand. You will for a while, but at least the urges to check up and not wanting to get up from bed is less frequent. You just have to learn to suppress those urges now.

How long will I be here?

As long as you need to be.

Day 8

I'm ready. The next step, Rebuilding.

One day becomes two, two becomes a week, weeks become months, and soon you are ready to prove to yourself that you can live on. You actually wanna go out. Socialize, meet new people, you talk, laugh, flirt... Yes.. even flirt.. or whatever you call it in your head.. It's a while, you start smiling again.

You start doing things towards a better version of you. Trying out new things, going new place.. Start cleaning out your wardrobe,you start to see life without it. until...

Eric... Eric... You made so much progress.. Ric please...

It was not a thing I wanna keep remembering, but it is impossible for me to forget what I am. I keep that as a reminder of what life means and what has left.

Yea.. it is..

It was, and it always will be..

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things can hold you back from moving on. A lingering memory, a false hope, or the cold truth in reality. You'll fall back a few steps..

Day 15

Renewed

The world is brighter, happier, lighter. That huge weight of pain and fear has been lifted. Well.. kinda.. All you feel is hope. Hope of what's to come. Hope for the possibilities. At this point, it's not about finding the peace with what's in me. It's finding who you are as a person. As a human. It's only when you don't have to consider anyone else, and you can focus completely on your life. And creating the best possible version of hope for yourself. But there is no harm reminiscing about that pain and fear. 

There was a moment weeks ago, I just can't hold on to anything. It was just gone. I've won, and I've lost. A journey where you see joy and regret. It is the only thing you could hold on to. Having cancer is like having a blessing and a curse at the same time. The way you see things and do, the way you wanna give that hope. Even if it wasn't for yourself. You know that you are a part of that memory that wanting to make that change. 

There are things I have to give up, there are things I need to let it go. It's not easy, but I keep telling myself it's gonna be okay. The wants in me is a distant fantasy I can have. I just wanna be just fine. And it is always you. 

You are still the favorite place I wanna run to, and so many reason I could give to just not care and have everything to myself. I miss being normal. I miss all those moments, I don't have to think about any other factors to my decision. It was simple and easy. Given that chance, I wish to have that one more time. All the choices we just choices everyone has. Nothing more to fear, nothing to be unclear at moments. That was a story of mine I once had. 

Time Of The Year

It's the time of the year where physical and emotional torture begins.

Beside that' I got no idea what else more I could say. Just hoping that this time round would be less painful than the last one.

Reliving History Of Flight AA 587

Mom was in her room since the news of Flight MH370 was out. Dad left the house with the car and there I was just the only one trying not to be affected by the news. Grams still needs 27/7 supervision and I can't blame mom and dad's action at this very moment.

My little brother is on his way back from Penang, but he never really knew what happened as he was just 2 years old when it happened. Everything seems like in a mess right now but I can't indulge in this right now. At least not at this very moment.

November 12, 2001 was the day I became the eldest in the family. It was the day that I scared myself. It was the day I truly understood for losing someone in life. The day I lost a half of my other self. The day I lost my brother.

There are so many "what if" going on in my mind right now. And I gotta somehow stop asking that question. It has been so many ears, but the memory of me sitting at JFK terminal waiting for news is still so vivid. The news were literally went silent. The only thing I was holding on at that time was just the hope. But the hope never came. 

It has been so many years now, and it still affects my family. I can't say anything to my mom and I can't call my dad right now. A part of me still feels that if I never made that call to him and wanting him to be there, he will still be here. It took me years to understand that accidents happens. No matter what you do, it will not change what has happened. 

But for all the families that were affected on MH370, I know nothing I could say or do to make things feels right as it will not be. The only thing my family suffered at that time in 2001 was losing 2 sons. I cut myself out from them out of of guilt. But for them, with the social media platform, you see all kinds of things being said. What is true, what is not? No one respects what they are going through. No one cares on how they feel right now. Speculations after speculations.

High altitude air crash isn't something common. The last crash that happened was by another legacy airlines - Air France Flight AF 447. It took them 5 days to locate the scraps of the aircraft. No airlines in the world will have any official statement until the scraps are being found. This is a standard procedure practice by all airlines world wide. But what do you see right now? The blame game! Blaming the airlines, blaming the authorities, blaming the aircraft, blaming the fuel load on the aircraft, blaming every single thing they can find. But will this even help those who are suffering? 

I may be taking this personally. I know how they feel. I know that numbness that hits them right now. But with all these news going on, don't you think it is very insensitive? News based on ex crew? Everyone is desperate to have news. But an air crash is never caused by one factor, but links of many factors. It is agonizing enough for all that is affected. I really wish everyone would stop. Stop the blaming game.

I know it is 12 hours after the aircraft lost contact. There weren't any mayday call, the weather was good. It is a mystery. The only thing we can know what really happen now is from the black box in the aircraft. But now my question is will it change anything if we know what is really going on? I know that hope is thin after more than 12 hours without any news. But still that is what they are holding on to. I am sure that they are. I held on to that hope for 70 hours in the past. I know that they still do. 

This is a serious matter and people are making jokes and spreading lies about MH 370 . It's disgusting. There is so much emotions going on and so much I wanna say, but I know, nothing matters right now. People will still be what they wanna be. I know how that feels and all I can say to them is hold on to what you feels right at the moment.

P/S- Zombie, thank you for being there for me. Your prompt actions meant so much to me. It really does..

Captured Love And Loss Beautifully

I saw this photos on the web and I thought why not sharing this with everyone. It is much more beautiful than it is sad. I really admire Angelo's courage and his capability to walk his wife through tough times. Every single picture really speaks for itself. The love, the support, the courage, the fear and the pain. I envied the love they both share and the power of being there for each other.

It is so surreal, every expressions were like talking to you through every photos. And also, some... some very familiar expressions as well.

They're images that would break anyone’s heart.

A husband’s poignant photo series documents the intimate moments of his wife’s fight with breast cancer — and her death.

The photos are personal — one shows a handful of hair that had fallen out, another is so magnified that Jennifer’s shedding eyelashes are visible.

A lot of what you see about cancer is glossing over what’s really happened. I think this would help people understand better how they could be there for a family member or friend. I guess so far, there isn't anything way more near to what reality is for all cancer patient out there. 

Angelo Merendino is a photographer whose wife Jennifer died of cancer a couple years ago. Throughout the process of her battle with the terrible disease, Angelo documented the beauty of their relationship, even through the extremely rough times. The series was recently released, and it pulls no punches. There are photos in this series that look as though Jennifer had no desire to shine as the subject, but the impacting nature of the whole would be lost without them. You might even feel wrong gazing this deeply into some of the private scenarios.

We have selected a handful of photos, but the waterworks will really flow if you take a second to scroll through the images from start to finish, in chronological order, here. It’s much more beautiful than it is sad.

The photos humanize the face of cancer and capture the difficulty, fear, and pain that they experienced during the difficult time. But as Angelo commented: “These photographs do not define us, but they are us.”

New Yorkers Steps

Being back in New York is just something really familiar yet strange. The snow, the people, the food and the love. Every single step taken is just like walking back memory lane. As for me, a new start for a new beginning.

Please don't get me all wrong here. So far, everything has been really kind and smooth for me. It is just that now I am back to work, I just have to relive the bits and parcels of my past. Maybe some sorta outlet to balance back to where I am.

After Human, I haven't really done anything much. And now, cutting some tracks for the future records to come. This particular track that I am working on just kept pushing me back to a moment where things were just messy. - Where I Would Be.

There is a part of my life, where it is just in a place that no one I really talked a about to. Usually at this point on producing the track, it should be "healing" in a way. I usually write random stuff, and those were usually painful. Then I will pass it to the lyricist. While doing the mixing and recording part, it is like reliving but in a very therapeutic way. But I got no idea why is it any different this time round.

Being alone here at the top of the building, lighting my cigarette, I am just taking that moment in. The light snow that falls and the view of the city. Things were really different right here. People changes, and people just walked pass us every single day. We question the part where how do we even fit in. I really don't have the answers sometimes. 

I am glad I have a hand full of really great people that I love and care about. They were always there and supported me in every way possible. But there are times I question the part where I try to fit in some other way that I don't belong. Not to sound mellow dramatic, but I guess it is just part of being human. 

I remembered this sentence. 

I am lonely, but I am okay. 

No names mentioned, but it actually reminds me about what life can be. There are so much inspiration to draw from, and there are so much more we can make things better. But there will always be a part of us that would be lonely in some way or another. I am loved and don't get me wrong, it is just a part of what life is. 

In a way, this beautiful winter essence does bring out the cold side of a human life could offer. It is painful, yet so beautiful. The "what if" will arise, and it would just bring down a tear to the check on our face. I am missing you very much right now, and there isn't much I could do to make it better. Besides being patient, and counting the days padding by till I see you again. 

Will It Ever Be Me?

I know for me even writing this is so not right. But that is how I really feel. Or maybe it is just how things comes back and bite you in the ass when you constantly keep pushing them away. As terrible as I am feeling, the happiness for someone I really cared for still lingers on.

I took a short trip down to KL to meet up with someone I really look up to. Since he was in town having his gig, and also he really wanted to see me, I flew down from the north to KL. Even thou it is a really short 18 hour trip, everything was worth it I guess.

For the longest time, I just have to be me, and talking to someone who really knows what you are going through. He is more than a friend to me, he is a mentor to me in the industry for many many years. And he is also a cancer survivor.

One thing that really sinks into me is when he ask me how was I. And my answer was just one simple word. - Sinking. That is how I really feel like every day. As much as I didn't enjoy talking about my cancer all the time, as much as I wanted it not to be there, but that exact feeling I knew that he could understood. And his answer was just as simple as the question was. 

You have to sink, it is part of the process. You are just human. I went through that, I was at your place last year. 

Comforting much? I don't really know. It as just.. nice to know that somewhere and someone could finally understood the physical and mental torture that I have to keep fighting off every day. I am really happy that my mentor is cancer free right now. I am really happy that the war is over for him. 

But there is one thing I can't ignore, the feeling I have inside. That envious urge to wanting to say that four wonderful words, "I AM CANCER FREE" Wanting it so bad, every good energy in me seems like wasn't enough to put on a good front. And the next thing I knew, he sat over next to me and held my hands,

Ricky, you and I know this is normal to feel. That "wanting" is stronger than ever. Channel it to your music, bring the colors into your life, like how I did. No matter we are cancer free or not, it shouldn't have stop you from what you always do. I know nothing I say now will make you feel better, but just remember that you have everyone here with you that knows how you feel. The ACS Family will always be there. 

I wanted to just smile and say thank you, but nothing came up. And for some reasons, all I feel that I am so broken and I just really wish someone would really fixed me up. But will it be enough? Will I see the world like how I really do now?

My blog's nickname is "My Cancer, Music, and Life Blog" for a good reason. Nowadays, these are the things that mostly define the quality of my existence.

• Cancer, and it's effect on somebody who follows my blog, is a daily occurrence.
• Music, has never flowed from me at a higher rate and I've never been more productive.
• Life, has never felt more rewarding.

It Is Better

When you believe it will get better, it will eventually gets better. Today marks a remarkable day in history.
President Obama said:

"When all Americans are treated as equal—no matter who they are or whom they love—we are all more free." 

President Obama's statement on Supreme Court striking down  Defence Of Marriage Act! California made a great move towards equality. So much I can talk about it but I know it really meant so much for us who kept this fight alive. Change is here and it took us years and years to stand for what we believe.

Honestly, I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. I over heard things that I wasn't suppose to hear. I am not sure I am ready to talk about it just yet. I told two souls about it. All I can say that I really have the greatest love one can ever ask for. When I told Mr D about what I heard, he just knows what best to say to calm me down. I really didn't know how I feel at this very moment. But what he says was really touching.

To me it doesn't mean you're incomplete. your personality shines more than your physical self & its BLINDING!

For some reasons, I think I am just looking for ways to cope with what I might be facing in the near future. It's not gonna be easy or I should honestly say, I am still in denial hoping it wasn't what I over hear earlier. I believe there are angels among us. They come to you to show us how to live and teach us how to give. To guide us with the light of love.

Life is still a mysteriously beautiful thing that I couldn't or anyone to fully understand. Whenever I think that things were bad for me, there will be something that will somehow shows me that I am blessed. Always be grateful for what you have because you never know if you could lose it all.

Someone told me today on facebook about how things can be in life. The odds is out of 7 billion that walks of life. When you believe it somehow, you can make it happen. I know I kinda stop writing on my Live Today With My All series but I promise I will finish the last few chapters soon. I am looking for answers still. I still question what should I choose from here. Do I wanna live what I am suppose to or I should just choose a better quality of life. There are so many questions but there ain't any answers. Maybe a part of me is just too tired to move on. Maybe for now, I am just ain't ready.

Well, as this title says, it is better somehow. Today is a day that worth celebrating. I just need to give myself a break and sleep on it at the moment. It will get better from here. I believe it will.

Chapter VI : One Of Those "I Miss My Life" Days

I’ve avoided my Facebook, my email accounts and even my cell phone like a plague. As much as I know they are so many wonderful, incredibly special people waiting for updates, sending mails and messages and even calling; it’s just been too hard. I really haven’t felt like talking or writing. Every time I convince myself to post on my blog (On myself) or reply to all the emails I find myself procrastinating…. I never procrastinate! It’s so frustrating.

I suppose I was silently hoping that if I put it off for a little while, something would change and I would finally have some good news to share. There’s been so much bad news, reading through my earlier posts I realised that every single post has been sad and filled with bad news. I so desperately want to give you something positive to read, something to lift your spirits and make you smile. Even as I sit here now, I’m heartbroken and fighting tears because I know that I don’t have any good news for you and I still can’t tell you anything that will make you smile. Unfortunately, today is not that day and I don’t have any good news for you but I can’t wait any longer. I miss hearing from people from my world, it always makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there, all over, who take the time to read my blog and send their prayers my way. I thrive on your contact and your support.

I’m having one of those ‘I miss my life’ days today. I miss my hair, my energy and my brain. There are just so many things that I miss about my ‘life’, especially today. I miss being able to handle almost anything without losing my head, not forgetting absolutely everything, being able to keep up with my besties, not hating my phone and most of all, I miss not dreading every single day, not because I don’t want to live it but because I know it’s going to be hard, probably harder than the day before and because I know that there is a very good chance that I won’t get through the day without crying and an even better chance that I won’t get through half the day without getting so tired that I simply cannot carry on, no matter how much I may want to. I can’t handle situations the way I used to and I hate that. The tiniest, most insignificant little things stress me out and I actually can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel completely overwhelmed. That’s really not good news, especially for a music producer… I always handled stress pretty well, got angry, screamed and shouted but I dealt with it, it’s different now though, I’m not handling stress well and that’s not a good thing. I make sure I still go to work every day, I may go in later or leave earlier but I’m there, I still attend meetings in the evenings or over weekends, no matter what, I’m there. If there’s one thing I will not let cancer take from me it is my music I have worked so hard to build empire. The problem is I’m not as effective as I used to be, I can’t do as much as I used to. I’m so afraid of that. I suppose I just generally miss the way things were. I miss the person I used to be.

Cancer changes everything… don’t think, even for a moment, that you can live a normal life with cancer or that you will still be the same person as you were before. Trust me, you cannot live a normal life and you are not and will never be the person you were before. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a different thing and it really does take some getting used to.

I made my ‘big decision’ on Thursday last week after a nice, long, and very informative chat with the doctor. I decided to take the plunge and have another round of chemo. Although it was a really, really tough decision to make, I finally came to the conclusion that I have to try. I promised to fight and so, I must fight. Even though the odds are stacked against me at this point and the chances of it actually working are not great and I spend a good hour or so sobbing my heart out every morning knowing that I have to go through it again, I just have to do it. As long as there is still a chance, no matter how small it may be, I have o try. I suppose this is my way of saying, “Hey Cancer, guess what… I’m not done yet! I’m not giving up and I’m not backing down. I know it’s going to hurt, I know I’m going to hate it but… HIT ME… I’m ready!

And so, for the next 6 weeks, 5 days a week, I will drag myself off to the hospital and allow them to pump my body full of poison. I had my session of full on, hardcore chemotherapy two weeks ago and it has been hell! They call it the ‘red devil’ for a reason. There’s no radiation this time around, just horribly high doses of chemo. It’s not fun and I despise every single moment but I’m getting through it.

A lot of people have been baffled by the fact that I have to go every day when most patients only go once a week or even once every few weeks. Well, it’s actually pretty simple… Because my ‘case’ is so far advanced and has spread so rapidly, the dose I need to get to have any chance at all is extremely high and because of my other ‘conditions’ and my size, the doctors are not confident that I would be able to handle that dose all at once and so they have split the dose into 5 smaller doses.

I haven’t had any tests since we started chemo so I have no idea if it’s working. All I know is its horrible and I absolutely hate it. The nausea starts during treatment and gets progressively worse through the day. I’m at my worst in the evenings. By the time I go to bed, I can barely lift my head, I’m completely exhausted and everything spins wildly from nausea. Food is almost impossible to even think about and sometimes I battle to keep even a glass of water down. It really isn’t a pleasant experience. The only thing that motivates me to carry on is the fact that I am not ready to lose this fight, I cannot let cancer win and I am absolutely not ready to die. It is not my time.

I’ve been having a bit of trouble dealing with the effects my decisions have had on the people I love. I’m never going to be able to please everyone, I understand that, but it’s so difficult to see how hurt the people closest to me are because of how I’ve decided to go about getting through this. When I was first diagnosed, I made the decision to do things on my terms and get through this in my way. When I sat my family down to tell them that I have cancer, I made my decision very clear and I made them all promise, even my ex-husband, that they would respect that decision, understand my reasons and not fight me on my terms. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for them to sit back and watch me go through this with their hands tied.

I decided that I wanted to handle the doctor’s visits and treatment on my own at first. I don’t want anyone with me and I don’t want to go into too much detail about what is said and done. It’s not because I don’t think that I need the support, I know I do and I appreciate it so much. It’s not because I want to hide the prognosis or the pain or the bad news, I don’t, it’s simply that I feel better when I’m on my own. I don’t have to worry about anyone but me, I know I’m not supposed to worry about anyone else in that situation but I do, that’s just who I am. If I’m alone, I don’t have to talk; I can cry if I need to, laugh if I want to or simply just sit in silence and think. Being alone also gives me the opportunity to focus on the fight, no distractions, just me, willing the cancer out of my body and putting every ounce of my energy into helping that chemo poison do its job. This is just something I want to do on my own and I have a million reasons for this decision but I do understand that it’s difficult to accept and it’s even more difficult to respect. I am so grateful that my family have been so understanding and supportive in this decision, even though it tears them apart. I am so unbelievably sorry that this is causing so much pain, I wish, more than anything, that I could limit the hurt to just me and somehow protect the people who I love so dearly from going through this too. I am overcome by guilt every day knowing that there are people hurting, there is sadness and there are tears because of me. I don’t know what to do, I feel completely helpless.

There are so many things to deal with. I was one of those people who thought that the hardest part of having cancer was the sickness. I can tell you now, from experience, that’s definitely not the case. There are so many aspects of this disease, the physical illness and pain are such a small part of what a cancer patient has to face. It’s terrifying and completely overwhelming; you have to treat so much more than your body. As long as you can stay on top of these aspects most of the time, you can get through it. I believe it’s all about balance; you have to put as much energy into fighting your thoughts, your fears and your emotions as you do into fighting the physical pain. You have to focus on ridding your mind of the ever-present urge to give up while pulling your body through another day. I honestly believe that the trick to fighting cancer is to make sure you have all bases covered as often as possible. It’s not easy, not at all, but then again, nothing worth doing ever is. At the end, the reward will outweigh the sacrifice… you have the ability to save your own life; you just have to put your head down and do it.

There are so many tough days, millions of tears, I cry all the way to the hospital in the morning and all the way to the work when I’m done, it feels as though every day is a little more difficult than the one before and sometimes I miss my ‘former’ life so badly that I battle to breathe; but I continue to search for that balance, I continue to do my part and I lean on your support to get me through the impossible times. I don’t think you will ever truly understand how much I rely on your support, how often I read your messages, and emails and how grateful I am for every single word. I would not be here if it not for these.

This is difficult; there are no 2 ways about it. It’s horrible and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but, I am carrying on and I am fighting. I’m still on this journey and I’m still doing it my way. I honestly believe that at some point, I will have some good news for you, I will be able to say something to make you smile and I will be able to lift your spirits, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but sometime soon.

Much Love

Live Today With My All

Vast Oklahoma Tornado Kills at Least 51

The injured flooded into hospitals, and the authorities said many people remained trapped, even as rescue workers struggled to make their way through debris-clogged streets to the devastated suburb of Moore, where much of the damage occurred.

Amy Elliott, the spokeswoman for the Oklahoma City medical examiner, said at least 51 people had died, including the children, and officials said that toll was likely to climb. Hospitals reported at least 145 people injured, 70 of them children.

Plaza Towers Elementary School in Moore was reduced to a pile of twisted metal and toppled walls. Rescue workers were able to pull several children from the rubble, but on Monday evening crews were still struggling to cut through fallen beams and clear debris amid reports that dozens of students were trapped. At Briarwood Elementary School in Oklahoma City, on the border with Moore, cars were thrown through the facade and the roof was torn off.

“Numerous neighborhoods were completely leveled,” Sgt. Gary Knight of the Oklahoma City Police Department said by telephone. “Neighborhoods just wiped clean.”

Debris and damage to roadways, along with heavy traffic, hindered emergency responders as they raced to the affected areas, Sergeant Knight said.

A spokeswoman for the mayor’s office in Moore said emergency workers were working to assess the damage.

“Please send us your prayers,” she said.

Brooke Cayot, a spokeswoman for Integris Southwest Medical Center in Oklahoma City, said 58 patients had come in by about 9 p.m. An additional 85 were being treated at Oklahoma University Medical Center in Oklahoma City.

“They’ve been coming in minute by minute,” Ms. Cayot said.

The tornado touched down at 2:56 p.m., 16 minutes after the first warning went out, and traveled for 20 miles, said Keli Pirtle, a spokeswoman for the National Weather Service in Norman, Okla. It was on the ground for 40 minutes, she said. It struck the town of Newcastle and traveled about 10 miles to Moore, a populous suburb of Oklahoma City.

Ms. Pirtle said preliminary data suggested that it was a Category 4 tornado on the Enhanced Fujita scale, which measures tornado strength on a scale of 0 to 5. A definitive assessment will not be available until Tuesday, she said.

Moore was the scene of another huge tornado, in May 1999, in which winds reached record speeds of 302 m.p.h.

Television on Monday showed destruction spread over a vast area, with blocks upon blocks of homes and businesses destroyed. Residents, some partly clothed and apparently caught by surprise, were shown picking through rubble. Several structures were on fire, and cars had been tossed around, flipped over and stacked on top of each other.

Kelcy Trowbridge, her husband and their three young children piled into their neighbor’s cellar just outside of Moore and huddled together for about five minutes, wrapped under a blanket as the tornado screamed above them, debris smashing against the cellar door.

They emerged to find their home flattened and the family car resting upside down a few houses away. Ms. Trowbridge’s husband rushed toward what was left of their home and began sifting through the debris, then stopped and told her to call the police.

He had found the body of a little girl, about 2 or 3 years old, she said.

“He knew she was already gone,” Ms. Trowbridge said. “When the police got there, he just bawled.”

She said: “My neighborhood is gone. It’s flattened. Demolished. The street is gone. The next block over, it’s in pieces.”

Sarah Johnson was forced to rush from her home in Moore to a hospital as the storm raged when her 4-year-old daughter, Shellbie, suffered an asthma attack. With hail raining down, she put a hard hat on her daughter as she raced into the emergency room and hunkered down.

“We knew it was coming — all the nurses were down on the ground, so we got down on the ground,” Ms. Johnson said, from the Journey Church in nearby Norman, where she had sought shelter.

At the hospital, she said, she shoved her daughter next to a wall and threw a mattress on top of her. After the storm passed, she said, debris and medical equipment were scattered around. She said she and her daughter were safe, but she had yet to find her husband.

The storm system continued to churn through the region on Monday afternoon, and forecasters warned that new tornadoes could form.

An earlier storm system spawned several tornadoes across Oklahoma on Sunday. Several deaths were reported.

Russell Schneider, the director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Storm Prediction Center in Norman, said the risk of tornadoes throughout the region remained high going into Tuesday.

Some parts of Moore emerged seemingly untouched by the tornado. Bea Carruth, who lives about 20 blocks from where the storm struck, said her home and others in her neighborhood appeared to be fine.

Ms. Carruth had ridden out the tornado as she usually does, at her son’s house nearby, the hail pounding away on the cellar where they had taken shelter. Tornadoes have long been a part of life in Moore, she said.

In 1999, the last time a storm this size struck, Ms. Carruth again was lucky and the home she lived in then was spared. She ended up buying an empty plot of land where a house destroyed by that tornado once stood. Her house now sits on that plot.

“This is just awful,” she said. “It all just breaks my heart.”

Nick Oxford reported from Moore, and Michael Schwirtz from New York. Leslie Metzger and Kathleen Johnson contributed reporting from Norman, Okla., and Dan Frosch from Denver.