Indefinite

From one thought to the next, we barely even know that little fracture of difference in time. As crucial or as it may be just nothing. Just kinda hit me to wanna just look back in time and force myself to see the reality on where have I been till today. Today at this very moment, I'm 30 years old, 10 months, 3 days and 7 hours old. What have I become? Where have I been? Where do I stand in life? And where will I go next?

I can't say I am a very successful song writer and producer, as I really don't think I am up to the very point I could say it out loud and proud. I still have so much to learn and do to be on par with all those people that I look up to. Financially, I'm not well off but it's enough for me to be able to provide myself, my medical bills and also my family. My income are mostly passive income, and to be honest, it hasn't grow much these few months. I have a joined property ownership with my label in New York City, I don't owned a car, because I think having another car doesn't really serve that purpose at the moment. One is sufficient. Don't owned any kinds of businesses, well not anymore as I can't manage my time to do so. Seems doing okay from the sound of it considering everything is build from scratch. My parents are government servants serving all their life in general hospitals. Both retired now.  Having their peanuts pension isn't enough in many ways but we make do. 

But if I look back into a decade ago, I never have thought I would be working in the music industry. I got my business degree and started working in the banking and finance sector. And thinking back, I would've never seen myself doing music full time. Yes I completed my masters in Berklee College of Music on scholarship, did my internship with my recording label, always did freelance writing and production until I went full time in 2010. Banking & Finance was paying good money compare to writing music. I remembered I wanted to run my own mortgage brokerage firm. But how did that dream is just a mere memory now? 

I'm asking all these questions at this very moment not because I regretted choosing to go down this path. I'm glad I am doing what I love. I'm just seeing a few of my best friends, and I am so very proud of them on what they are doing. I am actually inspired and impressed with their determination to take every single step to get to their dream. Rainer dropped every single bit of her very good life in Malaysia, left for Melbourne, been through crappy shit, Danny joined her too later by also dropping all he has worked for his entire life to fight with his wife. Believe me, I don't think anyone would love a person like he did. The things he gave up was beyond. But even with all that crap, now, they are at their final stage before their business fly off in Melbourne. I'll definitely blog about that in some later post. But what I am trying to say is, they inspire me to go for my dreams. No matter how tough, they manage not only to survive but came out great at the very end. 

Mr G, that lovable hugger, moved to Sweden. Yes he is always in a different continent every few weeks even when he was in Malaysia but that moved that gives him so much more and look at him. Cereal too. I haven't talked to him much since his move to Vietnam, but I'm sure he is doing great. If I remembered correctly, he is one of the only few nutritionist in the country. Not like those general ones but he specialize in some weird awesome field. And the thing about both of them, is the know

Edge they have and they fight on every single step to make sure they excel. 

Not many have the chance to based overseas. Looking at those around me. Zombie, he finally score a super nice place at a super awesome development. I remembered just few years back, he told me he would never able to afford housing with the way he is spending. But now, wow! Even in college, Zombie is like the shy little cutie and I think he is one of the most successful ones that graduated in our year. Mr AK, left his home to start a new life in Johor and I'm super proud of what he have become now. All of them have this crazy sharp determinations and goals. Did I mention they are not even 30? My point is, I admired the risk they took. Make sure not a single minute in their life are not wasted to get there. And also Chris, she is like what? 25-26? Two records setter and her business is booming! 

Cow, drop her minimum wage waiting tables job, took that big gamble and it paid off. Dumdum, well.. I'm not gonna talk about him. But how they get to where they wanna be that is really admirable and inspiring. 

I know under my circumstance, there ain't much I could do now at this moment. If I'm honest, I think I wouldn't wanna change anything. Well, I think I do. Haha.. I'm content with where I am now and what I do. I am thankful with all the mistakes I have made in life and shaping myself to what I am today. But I can't stop wondering what if I didn't go back into music and stay on in the cooperate world? Where would I be now? Do I have that killer instinct? Do I have that determination not wasting every minute of my life? Would I be that druggie and sex craze fella? Would I waste nearly two years screwing up everything in my life? Would I be what I dreamed of what I would be a decade ago? 

All these questions will always end with a question mark. That indefinite unknown would be permanent. Maybe is just one of those nights I'm just reflecting on my life and wonder if I made a different choice, would I be anywhere near all these great people I have in my life? But in the end, I guess all I could is fantasize about it. I am pretty sure if I didn't screw up my life, if I didn't went back to drugs and being an addict, if I never gone through all that crazy, more than half of the people I mention above would not even be in my life now except Danny. I wouldn't have been inspired by them today, I wouldn't have that chance to learned about humility, and I wouldn't have all these great souls in my life which I am so proud to call them my friend. 

Life is indeed a mystery. The things we learn unexpectedly, the people we meet, and the ones we keep. We inspire each other, we love each other, and we push each other despite all the differences in our goals in life. Like Rainer always say, everything happens for a reason. And indeed, everything does. And I believe that all our differences is the thing that keep us close. It's priceless. Zombie also said this to me in the past, it's all about how badly you wanted things to turn out to be. Wanting isn't enough, it's how bad you wanted it and make it happen at all cost. Thinking back, I wanted music more than anything. But the priceless part isn't what i have achieved till now, it's who are the ones that inspires and having them in life. All the hardship just didn't matter anymore. All the indefinite seems like just a mere thought that didn't bother at all.