Depression

In the wake of these recent and public deaths by suicide, the positive is we are able to have a dialogue about the complexities and nuance of mental health. This post is beautifully written and enlightening. I hope you spend 2 minutes and read it. Maybe we can understand ourselves and those around us better today.

Written by 

Stirling Gardner

Stop asking people to reach out when they feel depressed.

I understand that you're saying that with only the best of intentions, but that is not how it works for the depressed person.

I have experienced more bouts of depression (from mild to crippling) than I can even count as far back as I can remember.

Times when my body and mind could barely function.

Not leaving my home/bed/couch for days at a time.

Times when I didn't have it in me to even look at my phone, let alone make a call to someone.

Anxiety and depression are referred to as "crippling" for a reason. There is a chemical imbalance happening in the brain that forces you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Or in most cases NOT do things you would normally do and know you should do, which makes you feel guilty for not doing them, thus perpetuating a nasty, nasty cycle.

Depression is a mental, emotional, and spiritual black hole that you cannot see beyond when you are in it. Physically, it feels like there is something tying you to the center of the earth rendering you unable to function. I referred to it as wearing the 1000 lbs cape.

Depression is insidious and can creep up on you at any time without notice. And then, there is circumstantial depression.

Mix those two together and you are in what feels like quicksand in the middle of the blackest night with duct tape over your mouth and you only have minutes to live and no one is around. It's terrifying and bleak.

It can and does make you contemplate 100 intricate ways to kill yourself so that no one would know it was suicide. And for others, it makes them pick a more obvious and public route to end their pain.

For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced depression or anxiety, I am genuinely happy for you. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I remember checking in on an exgf because I hadn't heard from her in a longer time than was normal for the two of us. She had been lying on her dining room hard wood floor in the fetal position for three days. I drove over - not to do or say anything in particular - but just to be a human body in her presence.

I have needed the same thing on occasion.

Most of the time, a depressed person doesn't want to talk about what's bothering them. Don't let this frustrate you.

Sometimes they do this because they don't know exactly what's going on but its scary as shit and they need a body around to feel safe.
Sometimes they aren't ready to talk about it yet.
And sometimes they are grateful for your friendship and feel guilty they would bring you down with them, too.

Yes, I know that's not rational to you, but to them it makes perfect sense.

Depression is not something you can think yourself out of. Depression is not a conscious choice.
Depression sucks.

This next sentence may piss a lot of people off, but... depression and suicide are not meant to be selfish.

When you have experienced chronic depression for long enough and get to the point where you want to free yourself from what feels like never ending darkness PLUS have a chemical imbalance happening in your brain, you truly believe the world (family and friends included) would be better off without you to worry about.

I am not asking you to agree with it. I am asking you to try to understand it in a different way...

People are not in their right state of mind when they make the decision to commit suicide. To them, it's actually the opposite of selfish... they think they would be making the world a better place if they took themselves out of it.

Let me be clear... I am not saying suicide is ever the answer. But to the depressed person not thinking logically, it feels like the logical thing to do. Referring to suicide as selfish only heaps more shame and stigma on a depressed person that hears you talking that way, making them feel even worse and shutting them down further.

Instead of judging a depressed person or telling them to "snap out of it," I have some other suggestions.

If you haven't heard from someone you know in a longer than average amount of time, YOU reach out to them.

Let them know you are there for them no matter what.

Offer to come over and just sit with them. Do not force them to talk about anything. Just BE there.

Ask them, "How can I best be here for you right now?"

And let whatever their answer is be ok with you.

They may say to just sit with them and not say a word.
They may ask you to keep checking on them with a simple text even if they don't text back.
They may ask you to make soup for them.
Or walk their dog.
Or whatever the hell it is, just be okay with it.

The gratitude they will feel for those small selfless actions is unbounded yet they won't be able to thank you in the moment.

Do it anyway.

If they don't return your calls or texts, reach out anyway. Any lack of response is not about you during those times.

I was once in such a dark, incapacitated place, I had to have the woman I was dating look up therapists, call them, make appointments for me, and drive me to those appointments.

I was once in a place so dark, I sat in my car inconsolably sobbing and stared for hours at the tree I was going to drive into.

I have written notes and left them for what I was about to do.

I have been to the absolute edge of ending my life and only been stopped seconds before by a voice deep inside that whispered "not yet."

It is humbling and downright embarrassing to admit all of this and I can only do it now that I am in a much better place and have some perspective to offer.

I am not trying to make this post about how I have been able to drastically turn my life around, but rather to share with those who are baffled by depressed people what they can do to help.

Posting suicide prevention hotline numbers is indeed a nice thing to do.
Telling people to reach out is indeed a nice thing to do.

But YOU reaching out and asking "how can I be there for you right now?" is infinitely more effective.

Trust me.

So... who are you going to reach out to today?

I love you all.

P.S. If you strongly believe or know someone is going to commit suicide and has the means to do so, it is also your job to reach out to the police.

Down Memory Lane

Walking down memory lane sometimes could be beautiful, but sometimes things can get ugly. At a certain point in my earlier years, there were these people that molded me in what I am today. But the way wasn't always sweet and easy. There are a lot of things that happened due to what I've done. At some point, it was just a mere distant memory.

But sometimes, when you were simply having too much free time. You switched on your Facebook and look back to some of the people that you once walked together with in the past. Some memories put a smile on you, some memories just brings up that sick feeling under your skin. There were so much things that went on and on in your head, and at a certain point, you just feel like you are out of breath. 

I can't even recognize the person I once was. I lived under the skin of a mere fraction of my imagination. I do not even know how to love a human being. I did so many wrongs I wished some of them I never even had done it in the first place. I became the person I hated, and I was so afraid of losing the one person I use to want. The fear, drives me over the edge. I really hated myself for what I've done hurting those I use to care for. 

It is way past the point for an apology, or forgiveness. We eventually just move forward no matter how much we didn't want to. Yet today, I stand in a very happy place. I am not complete, but those imperfections made us what we are. No pretense, no more lies, and there isn't even the need to impress the other. We are just being ourselves. 

I do not miss the old days, but I really felt awful to have done the things that I've done. Life always has its way of bringing us to a place where we deserve. Everything I have now, I wouldn't wanna jeapordize any part of it. I've paid my dues and its time to let go of that baggage. I love you, and it would be all that matters to me right now. 

Waiting Game

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work on Monday will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body. Some of you may have guessed that no news isn't always good news, especially in my world. It's been a rough couple of days - I'm not going to lie.

My lab work wasn't good. My CEA is up to 25.something. I can't even remember anymore. And, the more acute issue that I wasn't even aware of? My platelets are dangerously low.

When I went in to meet with my Dr on Saturday, it was pretty obvious we had issues. When they all walk in with "that look", you know it's not to share good news. While we are concerned that my CEA has spiked (which I hate hate hate hate), the platelets is a bigger issue. Typically, your platelet count should be at 150k. On Wednesday, mine were at 13k. They were pretty surprised that I was still standing. After some discussion, it was decided that I would have a transfusion of platelets, with the hopes that it would boost my numbers and jump-start my production.

As luck would have it, that didn't happen. The platelet transfusion was simple, about a 90 minute process from start to finish, once they had the blood type-and-screen done.

Decision was made to wait until Saturday (yesterday) to take blood again, to make sure my numbers bounced back to normal. I think we all assumed that my numbers would rebound.

When nurse walked in yesterday and said my Dr. would be in momentarily, I knew things weren't good. She let me down easily. My platelets were at 3k. 147k below where they should be. I didn't even know what to say. I was shocked. I had hoped that the numbers would rebound a little, not drop by 10k in 4 days.

To say I was upset would be an understatement.

During my meeting with my docs yesterday, it became pretty apparent that this is a huge issue. And, it's not just the fact that the numbers are low - the big concern is WHY the numbers are low. There appear to be a variety of reasons, which they are investigating.

They took 10 vials of blood from me yesterday (for a variety of tests, including 6 for a single send-out test to another lab). 10. I jokingly said that, if they stopped taking blood, maybe my numbers wouldn't drop so much. I don't think they found that funny, but sometimes humor is the only thing getting me through these obstacles.

I got a call last night that, after my transfusion yesterday, my numbers rebounded....a little. As of last night, they were up to 11k. It's better, but no where near where they need to be. And, apparently, my now my hemoglobin has dropped. I'm not even sure what that means, or what the next step for that will be.

This whole thing just sucks. I want to be mad, but there's nothing or no one to be mad at. That's very frustrating. I want to have some control over what's happening, even if it just means that eating something or taking something or doing something could help boost the numbers. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help my body do what it's supposed to do. That's infuriating.

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work tomorrow will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body.

I asked my Dr. yesterday....what happens next. She doesn't know. We had a brief talk about continuing with chemo, which seems to be doing more harm than good. That was a hard conversation for both of us to have. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I'm just voicing what goes through my head, and wondering where we go from here.

This just sucks. My platelets are being douchebags, and I can't do anything about it. I hate that.

I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that I can't go to KL, and I am missing you very much right now. Cancelling the trip sucked. It's just another reminder of how awful this is, and how little control I have over what's going on inside my body. And at times too, I can't help to ask am I even doing right by you for letting you be here with me. I am just so confused and I have no idea what else I could do. 

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

Fear & Life

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

- John Lennon

Fear - Part 006 : February 4th 2015



There are times when things are just spinning out of our control. There are so many things that we can think of avoiding these but fact is, it will never be in our grasp. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know a fact that whenever I am around him, I could totally forget that I am living with cancer. To a certain point, it is a good thing for me. I feel like I am living. But sometimes, I asked myself who am I fooling? Even if I felt that way, fact is, there will never be anything normal to begin with. Maybe this is the part that I love. He never see me as a sick person. I feel like I am living a life that is what meant to be lived. 

I won't deny from time to time, the burden I am carrying is heavy. I know I don't have to. But to a certain extend, it will always be. They say when you lose everything, let it be physical attachment, emotional attachments, or even monetary aspect of things. I think that I am now at a point where I know whatever I am doing, I can't fail in doing it. I think it's a healthy part of our relationship. We k now where we wanna be, and where we are heading towards. But sometimes, I just wanted the end result so bad, I just beat myself up inside. I can't get over the part where time is what I don't have. 

I do not know what is next, but I know where I wanna be next. I think there is a part of me that kept wanting to runaway from reality, that we are now having so many vacations. To a point where I know when I am having my time with him, I could lie to myself that I am just as normal as everyone else. But now lies the question of how long more could I run away from? I am now at a point I need to face my demons. Yes, I do fear. I fear that everything will change. I fear that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. A relapse after another is torture. But what can I do about it? It's been so long I've been living like this. Even though the game has change, one thing that will not change is the fear. It isn't the fear of the end, but the fear of what will things be if things goes the wrong way? 

One thing I could agree with a common saying, 

You got nothing else to lose when you don't have anything else to lose. 

It is true, but that doesn't apply when you are with someone else. You feel you got everything to lose. Today marked the third month since we fell in love with each other. Time flies, but there wasn't a day went by that I do not fear of losing everything. And yes, I will not deny now that I have everything to lose. It isn't about what physical or even monetary lost, but what you hold dear to your heart. Now I fear that I might lose the battle against cancer one day. What will happen if I do? 

There are so much more in life that what we hope for. But I am questioning if that hope is enough? Love drives you, but life, well.. Sometimes, life is just being a bitch. I am lost in a way. There are things that I wanted to make right where I know I couldn't just push the speed of it. I read about case studies that now medical studies had successfully deactivate the HIV virus. Of course these are great news to me as there are a few that I hold close to my heart are living with it. But everyday, I looked up on my google alert, there is near to zero on a thing for a cure to cancer. Put aside the terminal patience, for those who are living with it, I know it was never easy. But why... Is it too much to hope? 

I know I'm spiraling, but how would I able to stop? How would I even could for a minute just wished that it has a hope for living without it? The future made a lot of sense to me right now after having you in my life. But how could I achieve it? I need a way. I need hope.  I needed something to hold on to. I need that future. 

I need the fear to just let me go..

Being In Love & Loving Someone

It took me a very long time to learn the difference between being in love with someone and actually loving that person. I learned the hard way, the very, very hard way.

Hearts were broken repeatedly over the years, and although I wish the pain could have been avoided, the experiences taught me more than any book or class ever could.

I grew up on fairy tales and love stories that taught me to believe that being in love and loving are the same thing. That couldn’t be any further from the truth.

Being in love with someone and loving that person are two different things. Understanding the difference and being able to apply the knowledge to your own relationships is key to building a lasting relationship.

Here are a few differences between being in love and loving that I wish I knew a decade sooner:

When you’re in love with someone, you want this person.

Being in love is wanting to own a part of the other person. It’s believing this person is so wonderful that you want him or her to be a part of your life, a part of you. When you fall in love with a person, you feel an intense urge to consume that person in any way you can.

Being in love is believing you need someone in order to be happy.

When you love someone, you need this person.

You don’t just want — or rather, don’t only want — you need him or her. You need this person to live a happy and healthy life because your happiness literally depends on it.

You need him or her to be a part of your life in some way or another, not because you want to own a piece of this person, but because you want to give him or her a piece of yourself; loving someone is deeming him or her worthy of owning a part of you.

It isn’t about ownership; it’s about wanting only the best for that individual — something that often means letting that love go.

When you’re in love with someone, your emotions are always on high.

Your brain is producing the most amazing chemical cocktail, making you feel as if you were floating atop of a cloud. You get high just by being in love with a person — and it’s a sort of high you never want to let go of.

No one wants to come down from such a high. This is where the problem lies: You inevitably do come down.

When you love someone, your emotions settle and then fluctuate.

Loving someone isn’t as much about the emotions as it is about the thoughts.

Thinking about someone, wishing the best for that person, doing the best to make him or her happy and, well, caring for that person just as much as — if not more than — yourself, that’s what love is. The emotions that come with it are just the perks.

Once you have passed the stage of simply being in love with someone to actually loving him or her, you have to learn to let go of the constant high and to ride the less frequent waves as they come. They always come. They just aren’t the “in love” emotional state that only falling in love allows for.

When you’re in love with someone, you’re aiming to reach some goal.

That’s what makes falling in love so exciting — the constant yearning for more.

You want to spend more time with this person, get to know him or her better, be with this person as much as possible. You always want to have more, and want to build a greater, more serious relationship.

When you love someone, you aren’t rushing to reach the finish line.

The goal that being in love calls for no longer exists — but only because it’s already been reached. This often scares people because they begin to feel a need to continue making progress.

Unfortunately, everything in the universe is finite. You can’t make progress and continue building something greater forever. The only thing you can eventually do is keep reinforcing what you already have.

Being in love is not only understanding that what you have is all you need, but wanting to strengthen that bond indefinitely.

When you’re in love with someone, you think you care more about that person more than you actually do.

Falling in love is much, much easier than loving. When you’re in love, the chemicals in your brain and body make you feel as if the person is the greatest person in the world.

You believe this person to be the most amazing specimen you have ever encountered. Sadly, this way of thinking usually wears off as soon as the feel-good chemicals wear off. Then you’re left lost and confused.

When you love someone, you care about that person more than you think.

Being in love is easily recognizable, as it makes you feel a constant yearning, a constant need. Loving, on the other hand, doesn’t give you such constant reminders.

However, life always manages to give us those reminders. Life will often keep people away from us, harm those in our lives and sometimes even take them from us entirely.

When you truly love someone, such moments of separation and loss overwhelm you with emotion. People often forget how much they love a person — or fail to realize how much they love them — until life forces them to remember.

When you’re in love with someone, you can fall out of love with that someone.

What goes up must come down. In the case of falling in love, what comes down often crawls back up. If you can fall in love with a person then you know you can just as easily fall out of love with him or her.

Being in love — and romantic love altogether — is mostly a result of our minds’ creation. We make, or allow, ourselves to fall in love by romanticizing the individual as well as the relationship. When you’re in love, reality doesn’t always line up with your version of it.

When you love someone, you never really stop loving that someone.

Loving a person is something that defines you — it defines the person you are. Those we love, those we care about most, those who mean the most to us, and who have affected us most in our lives, are those who never really leave us.

They may remove themselves, or be removed, from our lives, but they never leave our minds. Their memory, the thought of them, makes us feel strong emotion. Their presence in our lives has had such an incredible influence on us that, because of them, we are different people.

When you love someone, you can’t stop loving that person because it would require you to stop loving a part of you yourself.

Thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for. I am healthy, happy and I am loved.

- Reba McEntire  

Gratitude - Part 005 : November 28th 2014

It's thanksgiving today and I just thought to myself,I should be thankful for everything that has been given to me. From the smallest thing to the utmost craziest change in my life. For some reason, everything happen for a reason.

To my family, love ones, and friends. Without y'all, this year would be challenging. I know there are more obstacles to come, but the faith and hope hall have given me, I couldn't be more thankful for all that love. There are a few really big changes, but I'm glad there are so much good to come. 

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough. 

This was a quote I've always remember when I first met this amazing woman. Whenever things went the way I didn't expect or hope for, this is one thing that that keeps me from losing every satiny that was in me. I do not have a lot right now, but I'm thankful for all the goodness life have given me. The power of giving back is so wonderful I really am at the lost of words to describe how and what I feel. 

All I know now, the path in front of me might be rough, but I know that I'll never walk that path alone. To the beautiful souls in Nashville, L.A., Manhattan, Stolckholm, Melborne and KL, I would never be who I am today with y'all believing in me. I'll be eternally grateful for all that love given. You know who you are. 

Last but not least, I'm thankful to have be loved by you and loving you is the best thing that happened in 2014 for me. 

X

So if a set X is identical with each of its aspects or parts or elements or whatever and X and any one of those are two and not one and the same, then what is X aside from all that? Is it the Whole? No, at least not in this ontology. There is no Whole. Or if there we say there is, then it is just one more element. So what is it? I have at times said it is the Form, the Platonic Form, the essence, even the thing itself. I have also called it a structure, which is an ordered set. 

 Still, there is an ontological mystery here. Indeed the very idea of identity, the not-different, is weird. It is a two-one thing. And is the nexus of identity a thing? I think it is, but Bergmann and others think it isn't. They thing the class and its members are one sans nexus. A strange sort of internal relation, a super-dependence. I think I see why they think that, but to me that fusion is confusion. Identity as a nexus is a thing. I say that knowing that paradox looms up ahead.


Most today would say that a set or a class is a mental construct. They have jumped into the Sun of philosophical Idealism. I cling as hard as I can to realism. There are no mental constructs. Sets or whatever they are exist external to thought. Psychologism will not do. Russell et al. wrestled with it for years and made little progress, if any. It's a bugger of a problem

Indefinite

From one thought to the next, we barely even know that little fracture of difference in time. As crucial or as it may be just nothing. Just kinda hit me to wanna just look back in time and force myself to see the reality on where have I been till today. Today at this very moment, I'm 30 years old, 10 months, 3 days and 7 hours old. What have I become? Where have I been? Where do I stand in life? And where will I go next?

I can't say I am a very successful song writer and producer, as I really don't think I am up to the very point I could say it out loud and proud. I still have so much to learn and do to be on par with all those people that I look up to. Financially, I'm not well off but it's enough for me to be able to provide myself, my medical bills and also my family. My income are mostly passive income, and to be honest, it hasn't grow much these few months. I have a joined property ownership with my label in New York City, I don't owned a car, because I think having another car doesn't really serve that purpose at the moment. One is sufficient. Don't owned any kinds of businesses, well not anymore as I can't manage my time to do so. Seems doing okay from the sound of it considering everything is build from scratch. My parents are government servants serving all their life in general hospitals. Both retired now.  Having their peanuts pension isn't enough in many ways but we make do. 

But if I look back into a decade ago, I never have thought I would be working in the music industry. I got my business degree and started working in the banking and finance sector. And thinking back, I would've never seen myself doing music full time. Yes I completed my masters in Berklee College of Music on scholarship, did my internship with my recording label, always did freelance writing and production until I went full time in 2010. Banking & Finance was paying good money compare to writing music. I remembered I wanted to run my own mortgage brokerage firm. But how did that dream is just a mere memory now? 

I'm asking all these questions at this very moment not because I regretted choosing to go down this path. I'm glad I am doing what I love. I'm just seeing a few of my best friends, and I am so very proud of them on what they are doing. I am actually inspired and impressed with their determination to take every single step to get to their dream. Rainer dropped every single bit of her very good life in Malaysia, left for Melbourne, been through crappy shit, Danny joined her too later by also dropping all he has worked for his entire life to fight with his wife. Believe me, I don't think anyone would love a person like he did. The things he gave up was beyond. But even with all that crap, now, they are at their final stage before their business fly off in Melbourne. I'll definitely blog about that in some later post. But what I am trying to say is, they inspire me to go for my dreams. No matter how tough, they manage not only to survive but came out great at the very end. 

Mr G, that lovable hugger, moved to Sweden. Yes he is always in a different continent every few weeks even when he was in Malaysia but that moved that gives him so much more and look at him. Cereal too. I haven't talked to him much since his move to Vietnam, but I'm sure he is doing great. If I remembered correctly, he is one of the only few nutritionist in the country. Not like those general ones but he specialize in some weird awesome field. And the thing about both of them, is the know

Edge they have and they fight on every single step to make sure they excel. 

Not many have the chance to based overseas. Looking at those around me. Zombie, he finally score a super nice place at a super awesome development. I remembered just few years back, he told me he would never able to afford housing with the way he is spending. But now, wow! Even in college, Zombie is like the shy little cutie and I think he is one of the most successful ones that graduated in our year. Mr AK, left his home to start a new life in Johor and I'm super proud of what he have become now. All of them have this crazy sharp determinations and goals. Did I mention they are not even 30? My point is, I admired the risk they took. Make sure not a single minute in their life are not wasted to get there. And also Chris, she is like what? 25-26? Two records setter and her business is booming! 

Cow, drop her minimum wage waiting tables job, took that big gamble and it paid off. Dumdum, well.. I'm not gonna talk about him. But how they get to where they wanna be that is really admirable and inspiring. 

I know under my circumstance, there ain't much I could do now at this moment. If I'm honest, I think I wouldn't wanna change anything. Well, I think I do. Haha.. I'm content with where I am now and what I do. I am thankful with all the mistakes I have made in life and shaping myself to what I am today. But I can't stop wondering what if I didn't go back into music and stay on in the cooperate world? Where would I be now? Do I have that killer instinct? Do I have that determination not wasting every minute of my life? Would I be that druggie and sex craze fella? Would I waste nearly two years screwing up everything in my life? Would I be what I dreamed of what I would be a decade ago? 

All these questions will always end with a question mark. That indefinite unknown would be permanent. Maybe is just one of those nights I'm just reflecting on my life and wonder if I made a different choice, would I be anywhere near all these great people I have in my life? But in the end, I guess all I could is fantasize about it. I am pretty sure if I didn't screw up my life, if I didn't went back to drugs and being an addict, if I never gone through all that crazy, more than half of the people I mention above would not even be in my life now except Danny. I wouldn't have been inspired by them today, I wouldn't have that chance to learned about humility, and I wouldn't have all these great souls in my life which I am so proud to call them my friend. 

Life is indeed a mystery. The things we learn unexpectedly, the people we meet, and the ones we keep. We inspire each other, we love each other, and we push each other despite all the differences in our goals in life. Like Rainer always say, everything happens for a reason. And indeed, everything does. And I believe that all our differences is the thing that keep us close. It's priceless. Zombie also said this to me in the past, it's all about how badly you wanted things to turn out to be. Wanting isn't enough, it's how bad you wanted it and make it happen at all cost. Thinking back, I wanted music more than anything. But the priceless part isn't what i have achieved till now, it's who are the ones that inspires and having them in life. All the hardship just didn't matter anymore. All the indefinite seems like just a mere thought that didn't bother at all. 

Lose To Win

When I say lose to win I don't want people to think I'm only talking about love. There's people out there who've lost homes and jobs, health and lives. I want them to know sometimes you have to lose those things to put the right things in your life.

There are so many times in our lives when we fight for everything EXCEPT ourselves. We will fight four our children, our significant other, prices, politics, jobs and many other things but when it comes to fighting for us, at times, we simply give in.

So, think about where you have been in your life. Many have been to the end of the road and you made it back. I think about friends I have (even myself) that fought a battle to be free of drugs. I am sure many nights, they had to pray and maybe even cried trying to get themselves clean. There could have been times when they fought against themselves because they wanted to win but the addiction was so strong that they could not win. 

This could be for anything and not necessarily drugs. It could be a child that is on the wrong road that you are fighting and crying for. Or it could be even someone fighting to live every single moment in their life. 

Many times, a person has to hit rock bottom before they can rise to the top. Better yet, sometimes you have to lose to win again. For me, winning is accepting yourself into your life and allowing yourself to take that terrible situation that you are going through and show you how to deal with it. You might have to give up a spouse, a child, a job, a car, a house, friends, relatives, anyone or anything that is hindering you from winning. And winning isn't about what you get, it is all about what you learned. To be a better person.