Fear & Life

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

- John Lennon

Fear - Part 006 : February 4th 2015



There are times when things are just spinning out of our control. There are so many things that we can think of avoiding these but fact is, it will never be in our grasp. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know a fact that whenever I am around him, I could totally forget that I am living with cancer. To a certain point, it is a good thing for me. I feel like I am living. But sometimes, I asked myself who am I fooling? Even if I felt that way, fact is, there will never be anything normal to begin with. Maybe this is the part that I love. He never see me as a sick person. I feel like I am living a life that is what meant to be lived. 

I won't deny from time to time, the burden I am carrying is heavy. I know I don't have to. But to a certain extend, it will always be. They say when you lose everything, let it be physical attachment, emotional attachments, or even monetary aspect of things. I think that I am now at a point where I know whatever I am doing, I can't fail in doing it. I think it's a healthy part of our relationship. We k now where we wanna be, and where we are heading towards. But sometimes, I just wanted the end result so bad, I just beat myself up inside. I can't get over the part where time is what I don't have. 

I do not know what is next, but I know where I wanna be next. I think there is a part of me that kept wanting to runaway from reality, that we are now having so many vacations. To a point where I know when I am having my time with him, I could lie to myself that I am just as normal as everyone else. But now lies the question of how long more could I run away from? I am now at a point I need to face my demons. Yes, I do fear. I fear that everything will change. I fear that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. A relapse after another is torture. But what can I do about it? It's been so long I've been living like this. Even though the game has change, one thing that will not change is the fear. It isn't the fear of the end, but the fear of what will things be if things goes the wrong way? 

One thing I could agree with a common saying, 

You got nothing else to lose when you don't have anything else to lose. 

It is true, but that doesn't apply when you are with someone else. You feel you got everything to lose. Today marked the third month since we fell in love with each other. Time flies, but there wasn't a day went by that I do not fear of losing everything. And yes, I will not deny now that I have everything to lose. It isn't about what physical or even monetary lost, but what you hold dear to your heart. Now I fear that I might lose the battle against cancer one day. What will happen if I do? 

There are so much more in life that what we hope for. But I am questioning if that hope is enough? Love drives you, but life, well.. Sometimes, life is just being a bitch. I am lost in a way. There are things that I wanted to make right where I know I couldn't just push the speed of it. I read about case studies that now medical studies had successfully deactivate the HIV virus. Of course these are great news to me as there are a few that I hold close to my heart are living with it. But everyday, I looked up on my google alert, there is near to zero on a thing for a cure to cancer. Put aside the terminal patience, for those who are living with it, I know it was never easy. But why... Is it too much to hope? 

I know I'm spiraling, but how would I able to stop? How would I even could for a minute just wished that it has a hope for living without it? The future made a lot of sense to me right now after having you in my life. But how could I achieve it? I need a way. I need hope.  I needed something to hold on to. I need that future. 

I need the fear to just let me go..