I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

Reliving History Of Flight AA 587

Mom was in her room since the news of Flight MH370 was out. Dad left the house with the car and there I was just the only one trying not to be affected by the news. Grams still needs 27/7 supervision and I can't blame mom and dad's action at this very moment.

My little brother is on his way back from Penang, but he never really knew what happened as he was just 2 years old when it happened. Everything seems like in a mess right now but I can't indulge in this right now. At least not at this very moment.

November 12, 2001 was the day I became the eldest in the family. It was the day that I scared myself. It was the day I truly understood for losing someone in life. The day I lost a half of my other self. The day I lost my brother.

There are so many "what if" going on in my mind right now. And I gotta somehow stop asking that question. It has been so many ears, but the memory of me sitting at JFK terminal waiting for news is still so vivid. The news were literally went silent. The only thing I was holding on at that time was just the hope. But the hope never came. 

It has been so many years now, and it still affects my family. I can't say anything to my mom and I can't call my dad right now. A part of me still feels that if I never made that call to him and wanting him to be there, he will still be here. It took me years to understand that accidents happens. No matter what you do, it will not change what has happened. 

But for all the families that were affected on MH370, I know nothing I could say or do to make things feels right as it will not be. The only thing my family suffered at that time in 2001 was losing 2 sons. I cut myself out from them out of of guilt. But for them, with the social media platform, you see all kinds of things being said. What is true, what is not? No one respects what they are going through. No one cares on how they feel right now. Speculations after speculations.

High altitude air crash isn't something common. The last crash that happened was by another legacy airlines - Air France Flight AF 447. It took them 5 days to locate the scraps of the aircraft. No airlines in the world will have any official statement until the scraps are being found. This is a standard procedure practice by all airlines world wide. But what do you see right now? The blame game! Blaming the airlines, blaming the authorities, blaming the aircraft, blaming the fuel load on the aircraft, blaming every single thing they can find. But will this even help those who are suffering? 

I may be taking this personally. I know how they feel. I know that numbness that hits them right now. But with all these news going on, don't you think it is very insensitive? News based on ex crew? Everyone is desperate to have news. But an air crash is never caused by one factor, but links of many factors. It is agonizing enough for all that is affected. I really wish everyone would stop. Stop the blaming game.

I know it is 12 hours after the aircraft lost contact. There weren't any mayday call, the weather was good. It is a mystery. The only thing we can know what really happen now is from the black box in the aircraft. But now my question is will it change anything if we know what is really going on? I know that hope is thin after more than 12 hours without any news. But still that is what they are holding on to. I am sure that they are. I held on to that hope for 70 hours in the past. I know that they still do. 

This is a serious matter and people are making jokes and spreading lies about MH 370 . It's disgusting. There is so much emotions going on and so much I wanna say, but I know, nothing matters right now. People will still be what they wanna be. I know how that feels and all I can say to them is hold on to what you feels right at the moment.

P/S- Zombie, thank you for being there for me. Your prompt actions meant so much to me. It really does..

4:41 AM - Another Fallen Fighter

It was 4.41am when I got the text. Just a short simple text by Zombie.

She passed

My heart sink just then and there. I never got the chance to know her but she is someone dear to someone I care for. And also being a cancer patient too it is really personal to get news like this. It doesn't matter who we know or who we don't. The only thing we share is we know how tough that battle can be.

I believe I can speak for every fighter and survivor out there. It is never easy to hear news like this. And it will never ever gets better. Every breathe we draw is a constant reminder to us that this is a war we have to live with. And every fallen fighter does somehow affect us.

As far as I remembered, until this very day, there isn't much option when one is being diagnose with cancer. As much as we don't wanna admit that it is a death sentence, but the fact that it is. What we all are holding on now is just one little ray of hope. The hope that it would be easier for us to fight. Everyday, I wake up in the morning, I have this little ritual. I look at the mirror and says "FUCK CANCER!"

I would never ever say that it's no biggie when someone asked. I will never say it's just nothing. The thing is, only those who were in the same boat will know. The physical pain, the mental torture, the changes our body have to endure, vanity is not even an option for us to choose, and put on a good show for our love ones.

What we really want is just a brighter hope. A hope that we can really hold on. I know we're living in hell every single day. We will think that we're all alone, when no one's there to hold our hand. As much as I wish it will all go away but is there anything more we can do or hope for? Yes we will keep on fighting, but everyone will have a limit to it. And I am taking this opportunity to reach out to all CA patient out there, reach out, and share. At least, we know we will have each other to fight with.

Today we lost one fighter, and let her courage keeps on burning, and her bright spirit to lead us to our long fight. She will always be remembered and love.

My deepest condolences goes to Zombie and his family. Your lost is our lost.