Time, Losing and A Relapse

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

- Marianne Williamson

Anger & Fear - Part 008 : March 25th 2015



I'm not afraid of moving on and letting go. It's just so hard to say goodbye to what I know. Especially when you know you have everything to lose. A relapse shouldn't be like a big deal any more after so many years, many may think.... But the fact is, it was never easy to even understand what went wrong. There were so much going on inside, that sometimes you feel like it is near impossible to even wanna let it all out. I'm looking out from the crossroads, and I wanna take a breath and close my eyes. But what makes this time even harder than the past? 

When my oncologist called and told me to come in, I already had that sick feeling in my stomach. Few weeks ago, when I see bruises on my arm, or under my armpits, bleeding while brushing my teeth, or just nose bleeding out of no where, to many these are just harmless occurrence that happens all the time. But these are the markers and red flags for me. I went back to her and she told me that there is nothing to worry and my stats are looking good. And now she said I needed attention immediately. I don't even have a week to think about when is the best time to start treatments. I lost it.. I told her she screw up.. but is that enough to make it go away?

There are things that we have in life that we wanna hold on to. There are the people that you never wanna let go. But at times like this, everything went into a grey area. I use to be clear of what I wanted. But what do I want? What can I do to make everything better? For him and also family and friends? I can't put myself in the right place to see what is next from here. 

I know this will never be over soon. But what can I do..... I wanna hold forever..... I don't wanna give in..... but what else can I do....