The Call From St. Regis Kuala Lumpur

St. Regis.   : hello, can I speak to Mrs Hah? I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur.

Dad.          : oh sure, hold on. 

St. Regis.   : hi Mrs Hah. This is R and I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur. I understand you are planning a surprise birthday celebration for your husband?

Mom.         : no.. I don't think so. 

St. Regis.   : I believe you have booked a stay with us on August 27th?

Mom.         : no. I don't think I have. Who are you looking to speak to? 

St. Regis.   : I would like to speak to Mrs Hah. Wife of Mr Eric Hah. 

Mom.         : yes this is Mrs Hah speaking but Eric is my son. I believe the person you are looking for is my future son in law who is in Kuala Lumpur at the moment. 

St. Regis.   : (silent)

Mom.         : hello? Are you still on the line? 

St Regis.    : so sorry. I assume you are Mrs Hah. 

Mom.         : yes I am and I believe I am the one and only Mrs Hah you are referring to. Eric is my son, and yes you hear it right. The person you are looking for is my future son in law. 

St. Regis.   : sorry for the confusion. I believe that August would be Eric's birthday? And you son in law is planning surprise birthday party for your son. Is that correct? 

Mom.         : my son's birthday Is in January. My birthday is in August but I don't think my son is celebrating with me. My son in law's birthday is in August though. Does this mean my son has chosen to celebrate his partner's birthday instead of mine? 

St. Regis.   : I am sorry Mrs Hah, I believe there is a mixed up I trust your son doesn't have this intention at all.. I am deeply sorry to have confuse all the details. 

Mom.         : relax girl. I am just pulling your leg. August is my future son in law's birthday. You really got that mixed up. My son is currently in Dubai you can reach him via his email. And way, thank you for making my day, but the future son is law thing I am not kidding. My son has our blessing to love who he wants. I believe you are just not use to an Asian family who thinks and does thing like us no?

St. Regis.    : haha. Yes Mrs Hah. You really got me there. I thought you were gonna report me or something as I do not wanna sound like I am a homophobic. 

Mom.          : it's ok. The world is the way as it is. We just have to accept love comes in all kinds of way. But by the way, you really did screw up the details. Should I tell my son about this?

St. Regis.    : errrr.....

Mom.          : hahahaha.. I'm joking. Write to my son. He will do what he needs to do with his stay.

Then my mom called me to tell me all of this. I do not know if I wanna cry or laugh. But I know where the lame gene comes from my family. 

Next Stage?

Leo   : Baby, my friends asked me when are we getting married.

Ric    : Hmm.. So what did you say?

Leo.  : I didn't. But I don't think it's a problem for us. I could just marry you anytime. 

Ric    : really? Are you sure?

Leo.  : yea.. I think so.

Ric.   : ok, lemme ask you these few questions.

Leo.  : shoot

Ric.   : is your career stable now? Do we both have enough reserve? Let's not talk about kids first, just the two of us. Do we have enough insurance to cover all? How does do we go with my medical expenses? Where should we settle? New York or L.A.? Does our house whole income enough for mortgage? What are the carreer options? Can we make ends meet?

Leo.   : (-.....-) ok noted. 

Ric.    : don't get me wrong, I will marry you one day. It's just there are a lot more to think about and a lot we gotta do to make things happen. What if things goes side ways? And so far in our relationship, we are still having our honeymoon period even after nearly a year now. I know sooner or later, that will come. I just want us to build up a stronger foundation before we proceed to the next stage. I don't want us to one day come to a relationship fumed with resentment. I want us to have a strong and beautiful relationship so our kids one day will grow up in a loving environment.

Leo.  : You know that I love you and hate you at the same time right?

Ric.   : I do know that. :P

                           

Just a very typical type of conversation we usually have. Surprisingly, it's still all lovey-dovey till today. It is all kinds of weird but I will take that as a win. Being in love with your best friend does really helps. We know each other in and out and there is literally nothing to hide. You don't have to impress each other. You are just being really comfortable with each other. Things are a lot easier.

As i think now things are progressing well between us. Him juggling with his new position, means more working hours and responsibility, and me... Mostly just coping with chemo and treatments as studio time is not in the books this year as of now. I thought why not slowly introduce him into my family. Mom has the idea and kept asking me about Leo from time to time. Things would go smoothly I hope. We booked a family trip to Cambodia next year. Yes, a family trip with Leo together. All mom's reaction was,

You both get one extra room, you give me the suite and you two stay in deluxe room.

How epic my mom can be sometimes. But I'm glad things are really working out. Yes there would be bumps , and coping with my cancer and him working may be tough at times, but we make do. I wouldn't say our relationship is the easiest of all, but compromisation is the thing we that is sticking us together. Even we know each other in and out, but we are totally opposites. The food he loves, I hated it, vice versa. Music he loves, and what I love is totally off. Things he loves doing on free time and what I love doing doesn't sync. The only similarity we have is... Yes you read it right, it's singular.. DURIAN! 

I guess the only thing I wouldn't compromise is when we get married, I would want to be registered in New York. There is no way I wanted my kids to be a Californian. New Yorkers all the way. Lol.. I'm just saying, cause I know you will be reading this anyhow. 

Well, as life always be. Nothing is predictable and smooth. It's just how we make the best of what we can have. Marriage is more than just a verbal commitment to me. I want us to be ready for that. I love you and that's a fact, but we should take one step at a time. For what is worth, we already named our kids even before we are having them. I would wanna for once in my life, make that dream come true with you. 

Yours, #3 Always - Muscle

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side. 

Away From Reality?

"Tell me all your secrets
Tell me your fears
I won’t push you away
I’ll only pull you near
No, I won’t judge you
I’mma help you through."

- Sia Fuller

Frustration  - Part 005 : February 26th 2015

There are so many things going on lately I just got no idea where should I even start. There are so many things that put me in a position to actually think about what are the things that is for me. Or should I say for us.

At times, I see life in a way it is so precious. Living with cancer is one thing that force you to actually see things the way it is. No short cuts, no running away. And saying that, I wanna surround myself with the positive people around me. I see from time to time, there will be some people that walked into my life, and right there and then, I just cut them off. One thing I realize, life is too short to even waste my life on those that doesn't cherish what they have. Yes, I do not deny that it really irritates me.

I am living with cancer, a handful or people I love and care for are suffering from terminal illness or even some living with an incurable condition. I was an addict. No.. I should say, I am an addict. I am 17 months clean now, but the crave will always be there. It is something worst than living with cancer. I have to admit that even I don't want to. The question is, there are so many of us are trying to live the right way, not running away and face our demons.

So, the question is, how would you feel when you are trying to do things right, and you see those around you that keeps throwing everything away? Yes I wouldn't deny that everyone yearns for something. But how does it gives a person to throw away a temple of good health when they just felt about their life doesn't go the way they wanted.

I have so much I wanted to write down right here. But I am not going to. Life is one thing I find it beautiful when you know what is the definition of life. You will never have what you wanted, but you will be given what you can handle. All you gotta do is be patient. I waited for a whole 4 years. And I found my anchor.

I am signing off for now heading off to China for a short alone trip. Time to clear my mind and recharge. And here is one thing I wanna share with all of y'all.. And to the special one : " A lot a lot, and muscle. Everyday and every minute... " :)

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

Reliving History Of Flight AA 587

Mom was in her room since the news of Flight MH370 was out. Dad left the house with the car and there I was just the only one trying not to be affected by the news. Grams still needs 27/7 supervision and I can't blame mom and dad's action at this very moment.

My little brother is on his way back from Penang, but he never really knew what happened as he was just 2 years old when it happened. Everything seems like in a mess right now but I can't indulge in this right now. At least not at this very moment.

November 12, 2001 was the day I became the eldest in the family. It was the day that I scared myself. It was the day I truly understood for losing someone in life. The day I lost a half of my other self. The day I lost my brother.

There are so many "what if" going on in my mind right now. And I gotta somehow stop asking that question. It has been so many ears, but the memory of me sitting at JFK terminal waiting for news is still so vivid. The news were literally went silent. The only thing I was holding on at that time was just the hope. But the hope never came. 

It has been so many years now, and it still affects my family. I can't say anything to my mom and I can't call my dad right now. A part of me still feels that if I never made that call to him and wanting him to be there, he will still be here. It took me years to understand that accidents happens. No matter what you do, it will not change what has happened. 

But for all the families that were affected on MH370, I know nothing I could say or do to make things feels right as it will not be. The only thing my family suffered at that time in 2001 was losing 2 sons. I cut myself out from them out of of guilt. But for them, with the social media platform, you see all kinds of things being said. What is true, what is not? No one respects what they are going through. No one cares on how they feel right now. Speculations after speculations.

High altitude air crash isn't something common. The last crash that happened was by another legacy airlines - Air France Flight AF 447. It took them 5 days to locate the scraps of the aircraft. No airlines in the world will have any official statement until the scraps are being found. This is a standard procedure practice by all airlines world wide. But what do you see right now? The blame game! Blaming the airlines, blaming the authorities, blaming the aircraft, blaming the fuel load on the aircraft, blaming every single thing they can find. But will this even help those who are suffering? 

I may be taking this personally. I know how they feel. I know that numbness that hits them right now. But with all these news going on, don't you think it is very insensitive? News based on ex crew? Everyone is desperate to have news. But an air crash is never caused by one factor, but links of many factors. It is agonizing enough for all that is affected. I really wish everyone would stop. Stop the blaming game.

I know it is 12 hours after the aircraft lost contact. There weren't any mayday call, the weather was good. It is a mystery. The only thing we can know what really happen now is from the black box in the aircraft. But now my question is will it change anything if we know what is really going on? I know that hope is thin after more than 12 hours without any news. But still that is what they are holding on to. I am sure that they are. I held on to that hope for 70 hours in the past. I know that they still do. 

This is a serious matter and people are making jokes and spreading lies about MH 370 . It's disgusting. There is so much emotions going on and so much I wanna say, but I know, nothing matters right now. People will still be what they wanna be. I know how that feels and all I can say to them is hold on to what you feels right at the moment.

P/S- Zombie, thank you for being there for me. Your prompt actions meant so much to me. It really does..

Being Good

Being good. I don't even know why am I writing about this either. Maybe I just wanted to keep writing so the laziness in me just won't kick in somehow. Today was just filled with terrifying excitement, crunching time in the studio and great company. At the back of my mind, it somehow just ring the bell that when there are the good days, the bad ones will come. 

So far, fingers crossed, it hasn't really been really a bad day since late August. Of course the on and off physical reaction will be there but those that make me wanna give up living didn't really happen much. I'm not gonna jinx it or anything, but just somehow wanted to be realistic and be ready for it. Yeah, I know that being ready is just crap you can't be ready to face this kinda crap. Zombie's aunt is now struggling from cancer too. The thing about cancer is that it is totally unpredictable. You can be in so much pain and hope doesn't seems to be there, and next, poof, all is back to normal. 

Every cancer patient is relatively different. The thing about it, our body reacts in a different way to medication. And cancer is one bloody smart ass. It can evolves. I have my google alert on anything that is regarding about how cancer can be cured. But sadly, that alert didn't buzz as much as I wanted it to be. Yes, no doubt many people survived cancer. But it is never been cured. Not that I am losing hope or anything, but sometimes I can't deny the fact that there aren't much progress at all year after year. All we do is trying to slow down the growth, kill them and constantly hoping it will never comes back. 

I wanna think that this hope for a total cure is possible. Year after year, more and more diseases has a cure. I am just wondering when will it be my turn. When we were flying this morning, I asked Cow one thing. Do you think heaven is as peaceful as where we are now? All she did was held my hand and we didn't even exchange words. Yes the excitement was there, but at that moment, all I needed was a friend and I had one with me there. That one hour plus in the sky was just devine.. 

Work hasn't been progressive for the past week. Maybe now I am trying to get to the place I needed to be. And somehow I guess it is working. Being happy is one thing, and being good is just another. With all these overwhelming emotions that is surrounding me, somehow I have to say I am good. And maybe that is more than enough to me. Maybe for now it is. And well, 2 in the morning and I am still here in the studio. Just the place I wanna be right now. 

P/S - I just realize it is relatively safe for me to post pictures with the people I work with here on my blog. and imma glad on that. 

Cont : Final 12 of Being 30

It isn't easy at all to really wanna get out from a state of mind to another. But gradually when the pain subsided, it is easier to move on from there. There are some point when you realize the superficial part of how we feel will just dies away.

One thing really funny happen earlier in the afternoon. I guess he didn't even know what happen in some way. The usual FaceTime session with Leo. I guess all I can remember was he told me he was gonna go cook dinner and just told me to wait there in some way. I am not sure if he realize that, but I guess when the meds was in full force, I was so drozy and all. I remember little bits and pieces and I was talking. But the thing I wasn't sure was did I actually talked to him or I was hallucinating.

When I gain conscious was when I asked him how long did he took to cook dinner. I have no idea how on earth that he was with cloths at one point talking to me and the next, he was sitting there eating his curry for dinner. That blank out was just somehow made me kept thinking is this how actually is like when me and Zombie was talking in the middle of the night.

Somewhat it is kinda hilarious and it made things much easier to forget. The growing physical pain was just a mere feeling I experience on and off with the position I was in.
 
Sometimes, things would really gets better if we are patient enough. And being human, we tend to wanna get it over with now and then. It is really funny when we think of it. From a emotional state we are in, it will just eventually dies off. But how it did, we don't really see the importance in that.

Anyhow, the first day of being 30 is just a little crazy for me. It is like going on a roller coaster ride but with the height of the One World Trade Center downtown New York. It really is something really interesting. And if there is any wish I wanted for being in my 30s, it will be appreciative on the small little things that happens around me. I have been careless and I have been not cherishing all those moments till it was gone.

2 years ago, it was just you and me sitting in front of the esplanade in Singapore. After so many years, of missing out in each other's life. We see what we have lost, and we see what life has thrown to us. But at that time, we didn't know what will be there for us. I guess all I could remember was it was my birthday and you were the first to wish me at the strike of midnight. And now, 2 years later, we have grown so much, the long way we have walked through. The moments of knowing what was meant just for us, the support, the faith, the care, the love and the wanting to just be there for each other has out grown us. Nothing in the world really matters. You are my family and only you that matters. As the remaining 12 hours of my first day being 30, I really wish that you would be here in New York right now.

And speaking of this, I suddenly have an image of Leo waving at me saying that he was there with me on my birthday. And I am wondering is this real or I was hallucinating again while he was cooking dinner. Oh my, this memory thing is getting funnier and funnier as I try to remember. Well, I wonder what is his reaction will be when he reads this.

Well, like Candice told me, it is how we wanna be in control with life. And I guess I can finally see what really lies in front for me to go through my next decade. Glad to be 30 finally. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Grateful for my life, my health and my strength. Grateful for peace, longevity.

So grateful for my team who has been with me for 10 long years now. Cow, you have always been my pillar. Thank you for believing in what I write. Without you, I will not be a part of your amazing music career. Aben, Jason, Ashley, Max and also Brand, thank you for keep pushing me on what I do.

Dumdum, I thank God for you because you believed in me and you never gave up. You seen something in me others failed to see.

Leo, than you for stepping into my life at the time I really needed. You are a best friend, brother and almost like a counselling maid ( Yes, I am rubbing that in ) to me and I just wanna tell you how grateful I am for you being in my life.

Rainer, Garend, Andrew, Daniel, Cornflakes and Danny. You guys came in to my life just in time to feel that empthy lonely feeling of me. You are my family and I am grateful for that. Love you!

Mom and Dad, words cannot express how I feel about you. You never turned your back on me and never left. We can talk about anything . You guys are always like my best friend who I always have. I would cross the ocean for you,I will go and bring you the moon for you.

My brother, I am just grateful that you are still here. Just seeing your faces (even on FaceTime) makes me tears. I love you both so much my lil bros!

Grateful that I woke up this morning because somebody didn't or should I say some people if they could bring back a love one. Someone special they would. Grateful that the chains have been broken. No more chains holding me back.

To my writing team in LA, and the whole band, I love you and miss you so much! Thankful to all that supported me in my career and everything I do. Happy Turkey Day!

Last thing, I am grateful that I did not let my career or the entertainment business change me or allow me to lose site of what I really love. And that's my music. 

World Trade Center “Tribute in Light” Returns for 12th Anniversary on 9/11

The 2011 installation of Tribute in Light.

The Tribute in Light installation will return this September. Until this year, the iconic light ceremony has been run by the Municipal Art Society (MAS), but there was always trepidation as to whether there would be enough funds to continue the annual memorial. It’s great to see that the 9/11 Memorial and Museum has taken over the management. The installation will turn on at sunset on September 11th in lower Manhattan (West and Morris Streets) and end at sunrise.

Six months after the attack in 2001, two artists Julian LaVerdiere and Paul Myoda installed the “Phantom Towers,” what we know now as the Tribute in Light, in partnership with several architects and Paul Marantz, the original lighting designer. LaVerdiere told New York Times Magazine, “It is an emotional response more than anything…the towers are like ghost limbs, we can feel them even though they’re not there anymore.” Untapped Cities previously had the opportunity to get up close to the mechanics of Tribute in Light.

Remembering 911

Twelve years later, it is always an emotional experience remembering what happened on that day. I remembered it was my first year being in The States. Boston isn't so far from New York. And it was just 2 weeks after I visited New York. Before the Petronas Tower was build, The former World Trade Centers (WTC) were the tallest building in the world.

Well, I won't be repeating this year about what happened on that day. I did a post in the past about this. But still, this is something really personal that I could never forget. May it be the same year experiencing the same incident on a family I lost in January 2001. 

Time flies, but the world will always remember what happen on September 11th. May all the lives lost be remembered. Twelve years and still counting. It's great to see the Twin Towers illuminated tribute once again. America and the free world are still healing.

Drama Versus Peace

When it comes to life, no doubt that there will be a lil drama here and there. Some were conditioned, some were made. I somehow have my fair share of drama in life. But the fact that with everything that is on the plate right now, I just didn't want any kind of external made drama to be in my life.

All I have and all I need is the air that I would kill to breath. I am still searching for something that would pass me on. Well, I am not here to judge, and honestly, I am in a very peaceful and happy place right now. Nothing in the world I would give to exchange for the opposite. There are many that would love stirring up negativity and also things which they don't truly understand. And with that, I am staying out from all of that.

Peace is a sense that gives me not only pleasure but also the satisfaction in life. Especially now I am with my family and my love ones, nothing comes near for me to give that up. Staying humble at it's feet. I believe what I have. I believe what is given to me and I cherish that with my life.

The is really a group of people I really miss right now. I know there are a lot going on, and we are continents apart. Mikey is still in KL of course with Mr D. G is in Sweden or which ever country he flies to. Rainer & Danny in Aussie, and Cornflakes in Vietnam. I still talk to Shinigami on and off. Daus & Leo were always there for me. Byron is in Singapore right now and my gangz in LA & NY. My barbz! Those 3 is just amazing people that keep me going. I am just blessed to even have this minute to reminisce all those moments I have with you guys.

Some part of me, still wish that my short trip to Songkhla Thailand is longer. If my condition allowed, I will be heading back there in 2 weeks with Dumdum. Just you and me for 5 days 4 nights. The sun was just amazing. Sea were calm and the food was just awesome. It will be just perfect for just the two of us. The calmness that I am looking forward is just so.... divine.

Well, I know there ain't much interesting going right now. A big change is to come in days or even less for me. I wouldn't say it's something bad, but another challenge I suppose. But there ain't anything I can do to change that. So here are some of the pics I took on my short trip during the weekend. I hope I am well enough to head there in a few weeks time.

Anticipating the next time I step into this very ocean again. 

Don't You Get It!!!! ( Anger )

Yes I am pissed! The fact that no one really want this day to be like what I wanted! It really pisses me off! I know that it is something I couldn't control much! But this is something that really matters to me. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just wanted it to go the way I wanted it to be.

I know the fact that nothing in life goes the way we want things to be. But to show a little more appreciative towards today is all I am asking for. One thing that really gets to my nerves is my Aunt! She is such a pain in the ass! Common! I clearly told you that it is a surprise! Don't you get it? It's a fucking surprise! Of course, you will never get it. It's not your mom to begin with! You could just tell her straight in the face that we are giving her a surprise! You spoiled it all!

And my lil brother! Sometimes, you just don't get what I am trying to say. Yea, you are your father's son! NEVER LISTEN! All you see is me being an angry person! So what I am! It's also my mother's birthday! She gave you everything that you wanted and all you care about is just let it be. Deal with it when it comes. How can I be calm about this! You don't get it that how much today means to me!

Yes, I am angry. And yes, there ain't anything I can do about it. It's just once a year, and no one could even show a little effort and make today a special day. All everyone cares is just about themselves. She worked so hard to give us all the best. And all I see is secondary treatment given to this amazing women who risk her life giving birth to us. Family is just too important to me I think, or I rephrase, my mom is too important to me. She never complains, she never vent her pain, she just keep giving everything she could for all of us.

Am I wanting too much from all this drama? I really need to calm down. I know if I don't, tonight will get even worst for her! Imma just gonna watch Pretty Little Liars till everything calms down. I love you so much mom, but there is just so much I can do for u. I wish I could just do more. Anyway, Happy birthday mom. Losta love and many more to come.

Happy Birthday To You Tulsie!

Just few more minutes before your birthday ends, I guess I just wanted to dedicate this post to you. Somehow, somewhere, when everything fall into place, it just felt right. So right until there are so many things you shared that you knew it will be a little something you would cherish in life. That is how you are to me.

So, besides the usual kinda birthday wishes, you as usual, just couldn't wait for it. The best part is you were so "muka tebal" (Thick skin) to purposely ask me what day is it today. And the reaction I gave was : Not Your Birthday! But well, it's just a lil crazy without your drama. But still love you loads buddy! I don't know how would it be if there ain't you being around in my life. I guess it will still be the same but a little lonelier. You were always the sunshine that will pull me through no matter what things were. Even at the hardest time for me, you made it feel it was so easy.

There are so many things in life we shared and so many others more to discover. Well, if I were to list down, the list will keep going on and on and on. I know that there are so much I wanna share in life with you. You were more than a friend to me, and for that, I will always cherish. Especially those times when I was going through alone, you never fail for once to keep being there for me. You were more than what I could ask for. An amazing friend, a great listener, and last but not least, a family member that I can count on.

So, I am not gonna make this a long winded post, ( But it already is -.- ) Before your special day ends, a last shout out to you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU TULS!

Some "Orange" me and Dumdum got you! Have a safe and wonderful birthday love! 

A Slice Of Reality

From a child is born, to growing up. By the journey of finding oneself, to be the person we wanted to be. To fall in love, and fall out of love. And settling down to the inevitable death is welcome with open arms. The vulnerability of life, every step is taken counts. When I called home today, my dad told me that one of my sons, Geneboy's tongue literally fell off.

The reason to me isn't really my main concern right now. All I feel right now is a heavy heart. I don't know what I could do. He isn't in pain any more but just the idea of him not having a tongue now just literally killed me. Just have no idea or how could I make it better for him. I am worried, but I know nothing I can do for him right now.

For many reasons, this kinda hit me. A parent's heart. Maybe some of you might think I am a little over reacting towards a dog. But to me, he isn't just a dog. The memory of me bringing him home the first time. Having to bath him for the first time. Powdering him and feeding him. I think I finally know how a parent will feel when their son is in pain.

I know everything happen for a reason. But I really don't wish that this is it. And I now understood why I am holding on till this very day. Every will to keep striving on to live, it isn't just for me. They might not show, but  that unspeakable pain is constantly reminding them every part of it. As I am typing this, that sting in my heart for my son who is just waving his tail at me might not even be there when I am there.

I think that final piece of me that I was looking for in my new score is finally found. What simplicity life and that perfect sting of it. And for a parent to loose their child is just something against the natural way of life. That innocents and ideal way of life will just be robbed without any warning. It is just how reality is. No one will ever be ready to lose something or someone they dear in the heart. For every reason there is in this world, it will always be an excuse.

Anybody's Heart

Well, as much as I was hoping to say something different for a change, but nothing I could really update on my condition at the moment. Somehow, coping with it and trying to make peace and live with it. That's all I could actually say for now on that.

Listening back to some old tracks today. Opening up back to my old library, sorta let me facing some emotions that I was going through in life. At least I use to. But what weird was only pop-rock tracks seems to make me felt right. Blasting at top volume with my lil' monster and letting everything flows. Realizing how long it was since I last wrote a pop rock track. It was Never Gone till now. And it was more than 8 months now. 

The rage in me was bottling up which I really didn't realize. I was looking back to how I actually react. As much as I didn't wanna admit, I didn't like my own grandmother a lot. And it wasn't since young. But just few years back. But I didn't notice it till lately how bad that rage affects my own actions. I guess in many levels, I was blasting out everything that I was feeling. But it doesn't make that right either way.

My grandma is suffering from a string of disease  But I guess it was normal at her age of 80. But what really stirs things up is her Alzheimer. I know it isn't her fault to choose to be that way. But I felt that all that bad mouthing about my dad and all kinda push on all the buttons on me to defend. The thing is, she has 3 daughters, and non of them actually did what they could to accompany their old mother. Instead, just the usual occasional phone calls and that's it. And if they were to take care of her, they don't really put in effort to do the best for her. Sometimes, the best thing isn't the things that she wanted. Considering the diabetic and alzheimer. Sigh.. And here I am saying this myself.

I know I should be more patience and be more forgiving. But the idea of her having said about how my dad is to her. That unfairness, that.... and my dad isn't complaining. Forgive... this word... It took me 4 years to learn to forgive myself. And at her age.. and everything she has done for me when I was younger. I should change myself. And this song really made me think of her. Of course initially this song is more to a lovers song. But the heart that I have broken, isn't anybody's heart either. And I should start channeling all these rage and anger into my songs instead of her. I am still learning, and I need to change. Afterall she is still my grandma. 

Sometimes, the world seems like a really painful place but we tend to forget how we can put that little effort to change all those barbs into roses. I am not proud of what I have done, but that doesn't define who I am. I am still learning everyday, and a big part of my heart, still hallow. Well, only one person understood that. 

It's a great big world to a scared little girl

If you smile just right, no one knows

You might have a heart full of pain and a soul that can't reign

And a stomach full of butterflies

All that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

Know it wasn't just anybody's heart

So I bit my nails and I held my breath

And I said I'm fine, yeah, I did my best

But you can't tell me you never knew the truth

Of all the fear I felt, how I worried about you

And all that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

Know it wasn't just anybody's heart

I was yours, I was yours

And the heart that you broke

Was devoted and pure

And it wasn't just anybody's heart

A Mother's Tale

It was like history repeats itself in so many ways. I haven't seen my mother in such state since 2010. Everything seems to be on the high side of the road. The reflection of her worries and fear yet to put on a strong face in front of everyone. As piercingly painful as it is, I know my mom will always be there one who stands there for me even when everything doesn't seems the way it was.

After dinner time, I finally get to have my mother alone with me. Somehow, there was something I got her when I was in Singapore. As an early mother's day gift, I gave her that little small package. Something that I want my mom to remember the time we had all these while. And I finally ask her, "mom, things aren't ok as they seems they are right? What more can I do?"

She didn't say anything back. All she did was stroking my hair and gave my forehead a kiss. The only thing I can do was to smile back to her even how excruciating the pain was and the fear that has grown in me. Somehow, her presence made me feeling calm.

These 2 days past by like no other. The level of physical pain that was going on is unbearable but yet, there ain't anyone could do to make it better. A big part of me was wanting to be free from all of these but yet a sense of grounding was holding me together. And I gotta say a lot of laughter are share by Leo with his "Control Tower" impersonating.

As cold the night would be now, I am still looking for that balance and peace that I really needed. All I really need was "It will be ok son." from my mother but it never came. But I know and understood her intentions. To have lived in her womb for that 9 months, no one would know me better than she does. And there isn't a place safer than being in her arms. Mommy, thank you for being there for me. Especially now.

A Sting In The Heart

Everyone will somehow feel this kinda emotions once in a while. And today, it isn't much different for me. So, Barbieland post still gotta be postpone for the time being. Well, this is somehow something that is outta the blue. Honestly, I am feeling helpless. Even though that my medical bills and all I could still handle it myself, but somehow, something is stirring up at home.

I really don't know what is the situation at home to be honest. But I start to sense the tension building up between mom and dad. Honestly, they wouldn't tell me a single thing. To them, I am handling all my medical bills now is already something that they couldn't hope for. Both of them now are retired. But there is something going on. Whenever I am around, they just shut up. Dad even walked out whenever it I was there. I know nothing much I could do. And I know, here isn't anything I could do to help.

But all these couldn't stop me from wondering. I really wish I could do something. All I am feeling is like a blockage and everything doesn't seems right. I know that I should focus on my health at the moment. But being the eldest it just something that I couldn't runaway from. I know by ranting it out here wouldn't do much good but still, hoping for something that could lessen that burden that I am feeling right now.

I really got no idea what I could do but just sitting here like an idiot feeling helpless. If there is a higher power out there, do you really hear me? There is so much I feel and they say you would feel what I feel. Still, you were a complete mystery to me. I couldn't really help to let the tears flow with me. I just wanted the best for my family, and I really wonder how could I give the best to them when I am at a condition like this. Am I really asking too much?

Irony Of Being An Idiot

Today yet was the same like any other day before. The only thing is dad was around with me today. Mainly he didn't really talk much about what was going on I guess that makes everything awkward. Honestly, I didn't even try to ask how was he actually. Cause the answer was kinda clear to him. He is worried hell about everything.

I on the hand, overheard about a transfer again. Sigh. Yet again, I just really feel tired being brought here and there for all that they can do. From the inside, I am really feeling tired and all. I really wanted to tell mom and dad to stop and take a breather. I needed that space too in ways. But the thing is how could I possibly say anything when all of them in such state?

Well, I sneak out again anyway. I just needed some space to really feel normal. Maybe I am in such a hasty state, I really don't know what could I possibly do. So I went to Cineleaisure in Orchard. Bought my tickets for The Impossible and there was I putting myself in that movie that made me really cried like a baby in the end. I actually thought that The Impossible was some sorta like X-man kinda movie. Mana tau, it was a heart breaking story that how a family fighting for survival.

Irony kan? Here I am running away from the post stress from fighting for survival and here I went sitting down for that movie. So now, me feeling terrible for whata brad I was. But the thing is, I realize no matter who or  how we react to the situation, we tend to really be "ugly" whenever we are not in control of our emotions. I am not proud of what I have indulge in and yes, I do feel terribly sorry for being that immature for running away from emotions or situations that I didn't wanted to face.

Anyhow, I guess I have to face what I really have to face. I know.. The feeling feels like "What the fuck..." But it's something I can't run away from. Time to go back with the thick skin and apologize to mom and dad. I know surely they somehow will be worrying about me running away like that. Sigh.. And it sucked BIG TIME!

By the way, on my way back to the hospital on the MRT, I saw something that made me felt a lot better. Really Crack me up when I saw him in the train.

PS, I am starting to like the blogger app on the iPad! So much easier to blog anywhere anytime. Luvin' it.

Acceptance Ain't Understanding

Second post of the year. After constantly attacked by sore throat, flu, cough, diarrhea, and being nauseated all the time, I am starting to get the grip. Thankful that I didn't catch the bug while I was in India. So before I will post my post trip summary, just something that caught my attention that I wanna blog about. The least I know this is a safe place for me to express myself without being judge. Hahaha..

Anyhow it really ain't about me. It is about my cousin sister. I met her recently. The day I landed to be exact with my uncle and aunt. So, the only thing I was really hearing about in the past was that they are so worried about my sister. Saying that she isn't well, she wasn't doing ok, she was being possessed and bla bla and bla bla bla.. There is a saying that says there is two sides of every story. True enough!

The only thing I really see in my sister was one thing - Insecurity. But non seems to see that issue. Instead, the only thing I see was kept hoping that things will turn out their way. I am not saying that my uncle and aunt are lousy parents. It is just that they seems to over see the problems that my sister is facing. She is skinny and all she kept repeating was weight lost. How to get that kg down. Somehow, it really reflects part of me while I was a drug addict last 2 years. When I was skinny, I will still think that I was fat. No one seems to get it into my mind no matter what they say. When I was skinny, the focus will still go straight to that little inch left on my belly. Even that time, my waist line was at 28.

Not to say I am proud of that but it is just the way we accept how things are. The thing is that they accept the fact that my sister is somehow not well. But the understanding of what is wrong or where is the problem isn't there. The thing that  went on my mind was how are they suppose to help her if they don't even understand how is she really doing? Depression isn't something new to the society. Seeing a psychiatric doctor isn't a big deal. I remember when I destroyed my relationship with the one person who really see me for who I am, and drugs didn't really help me as well, I was a mess. But somehow talking to a psychiatric doctor somehow help me in many ways. If it isn't so, I would still be a drug addict somehow till very day.

But the thing with acceptance and understanding, it is two very similar yet different things. Like myself, I know my parents accepted the fact I am gay. But for my dad, I realize he didn't really understood being gay isn't something that we could possibly choose. It isn't a culture, it isn't lifestyle. My dad teaches tuition on his free time now since he retired. But on few occasions, I realize he was teaching the wrong thing about being gay. I wanted to tell him that it isn't the exposure of culture or lifestyle but I didn't do a thing. Didn't wanna create more issues between me and him. But the thing is, we are born this way. But I know I am asking too much. Being accepted who I am is already a blessing to me. But I am not gonna deny, it would mean the world to any gay person out there if their love ones really understood that. I know that it ain't easy. I recall those sleepless nights worrying about how would my family react. Mostly to my dad that time cuz somehow my mom is still that crazy beautiful soul who is open to a lot of things in life. I know it is crazy. But a lot of people I saw in the past, who came out to their family and somehow ended up with a heart breaking story. I knew that my family love me but wasn't sure will they still do if I told them the truth of my sexuality that point. Again, I am blessed. Yet again, we are humans. We always wanted more. But we are born to survive all these difficulties in life. Somehow, every time I see my dad surfing gossips and political nonsense, I do wish sometimes he really were there surfing and try to find out and understand that what or how a person could be gay. I did try to post many times about that it isn't about lifestyle and choices for the LGBT. But it just never happen. But still, I am thankful for the acceptance they have shown to me. Maybe one day, he could really understood what sexual orientation is.

Anyhow, I still don't get it why I am talking about myself instead of my cousin. Hahaha... But yeah, I guess that she really needs someone who really could see her for who she is. Honestly, I really wish I could somehow help her. But I know that person ain't me. Her walls are high up. And her insecurities is one thing that she have to overcome. If not, no one could possibly get to her. But I will still find ways to help her. Somehow, I felt do feel what she feel about herself. Just wish that the people she wishes to understand her would see what I saw. Anyway, heading to bed early! Don't really wanna get sick again. Gotta get well and get ready for my birthday bash! My last year in the twenties. Good night y'all.

11th Year In Memory - Sept 11

Another 9 hours it will marked the anniversary for the September 11 attacks. Thinking about all the family who suffered lost of their family members. The World Trade Centers, Pentagon and American Airlines Flight 93. Remembered the point where all of us in class watching what happened. It doesn't make me feel better even my family are in Malaysia. I was 4 hours drive away from New York City that year. But that helplessness in me watching what happen.

Its been 11 years, but people still feel the pain for everything that had happen. Listening to kids who grew up with their lost. I feel the pain in their voices. It really isn't easy to just hear them. Even the idea of them having to grow up without that shadow to hold them. This date doesn't only mark a dark place for the Americans but also for all humanity.

Maybe not everyone really feel the effect. But I really couldn't help it. I really got no idea at all if I were them. Or I was one of the victim. How would my family be able to handle this. Even up to today, the whole family still misses Isiah so much even we don't talk about it. I can see in mom's eyes sometimes when we somehow mention about him. That emotions lingers on all these while.

Today we bury his body, but not his spirit. We bury his hands but not his good works. We bury his heart, but not his love.

Maybe I am just being me. I really wish there is something that we could do to lift up those who suffers. It isn't a life to grow up in but there aren't options to choose.

A Dicky Morning?!?!

Ok, I know that there is still a long way to Christmas. But just loving Melinda's tune. A great song to wake up to. Just felt right to put it up. As time passes really really fast. It is 4 more days to my big day. What Imma gonna miss is being here blogging. The least I would be away for 4 - 5 days. I don't really know how to put this, I really kinda am confused about how I feel. Maybe part of me just do not wanna feel it. I don't know.

Waking up today is such a beautiful and hilarious thing. Once my songs started to play, my lil brother came to me with something warmth and funny. Have anyone tried mixing milk tea with coffee? My lil brother made me this cuppa and he ask me in the most funny way.

Rick, do you know what is this called? he asked. I was really thinking about it. So I say coffee and tea. And he smirk at me and say No.. It is called "Ko-teh" (Kopi + Teh in malay which is also a vulgar word for the dick in malay) I really laugh real hard. Way to start my day. Imma gonna miss him very much once my family are going back. This is really a tough reality for me to know that they are not around me.

Anyway, just a quickie updaate, I came to tell Mr D about what is gonna happen in 4 more days. What really is painful is what we really shared. I dunno about anyone, for me, it is kinda not easy for both of us. He told me to be ready during his birthday bash if there is any. I am feeling what really is painful is that we both knew that it isn't easy to face our demons. But I suppose that it is another story to tell. :)

Lovely morning y'all!