Waiting Game

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work on Monday will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body. Some of you may have guessed that no news isn't always good news, especially in my world. It's been a rough couple of days - I'm not going to lie.

My lab work wasn't good. My CEA is up to 25.something. I can't even remember anymore. And, the more acute issue that I wasn't even aware of? My platelets are dangerously low.

When I went in to meet with my Dr on Saturday, it was pretty obvious we had issues. When they all walk in with "that look", you know it's not to share good news. While we are concerned that my CEA has spiked (which I hate hate hate hate), the platelets is a bigger issue. Typically, your platelet count should be at 150k. On Wednesday, mine were at 13k. They were pretty surprised that I was still standing. After some discussion, it was decided that I would have a transfusion of platelets, with the hopes that it would boost my numbers and jump-start my production.

As luck would have it, that didn't happen. The platelet transfusion was simple, about a 90 minute process from start to finish, once they had the blood type-and-screen done.

Decision was made to wait until Saturday (yesterday) to take blood again, to make sure my numbers bounced back to normal. I think we all assumed that my numbers would rebound.

When nurse walked in yesterday and said my Dr. would be in momentarily, I knew things weren't good. She let me down easily. My platelets were at 3k. 147k below where they should be. I didn't even know what to say. I was shocked. I had hoped that the numbers would rebound a little, not drop by 10k in 4 days.

To say I was upset would be an understatement.

During my meeting with my docs yesterday, it became pretty apparent that this is a huge issue. And, it's not just the fact that the numbers are low - the big concern is WHY the numbers are low. There appear to be a variety of reasons, which they are investigating.

They took 10 vials of blood from me yesterday (for a variety of tests, including 6 for a single send-out test to another lab). 10. I jokingly said that, if they stopped taking blood, maybe my numbers wouldn't drop so much. I don't think they found that funny, but sometimes humor is the only thing getting me through these obstacles.

I got a call last night that, after my transfusion yesterday, my numbers rebounded....a little. As of last night, they were up to 11k. It's better, but no where near where they need to be. And, apparently, my now my hemoglobin has dropped. I'm not even sure what that means, or what the next step for that will be.

This whole thing just sucks. I want to be mad, but there's nothing or no one to be mad at. That's very frustrating. I want to have some control over what's happening, even if it just means that eating something or taking something or doing something could help boost the numbers. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help my body do what it's supposed to do. That's infuriating.

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work tomorrow will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body.

I asked my Dr. yesterday....what happens next. She doesn't know. We had a brief talk about continuing with chemo, which seems to be doing more harm than good. That was a hard conversation for both of us to have. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I'm just voicing what goes through my head, and wondering where we go from here.

This just sucks. My platelets are being douchebags, and I can't do anything about it. I hate that.

I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that I can't go to KL, and I am missing you very much right now. Cancelling the trip sucked. It's just another reminder of how awful this is, and how little control I have over what's going on inside my body. And at times too, I can't help to ask am I even doing right by you for letting you be here with me. I am just so confused and I have no idea what else I could do.