Do You Remember.

I know I have been avoiding from writing anything I feel these few days. Has been just on the surface of everything. Somehow I just needed to let it out. It's killing me inside everyday. Imma not getting any better. It isn't that I didn't want to. But everything seems so hard to reach. Some old memories rolled in and I am just out of energy to keep being positive. I really tried really really hard. But I can't. At least for now I know I couldn't.

Imma trying to find ways to keep myself back on the positivity train. Listening to Glee's cover of Coldplay's The Scientist, I was feeling somehow peaceful in many ways. I love Coldplay's version more but Glee's arrangement is way better. I somehow had flash back of some really old memories. Remembered the night that I sat on the bathroom floor while you were asleep. Weeping in the dark and didn't want you to know I was devastated. Knowing it was the last night we have ever spent together. It wasn't that painful anymore. But I still feel a little sting in it.

My emotions is every where now. I don't really know it was the meds or I am just a train wreak at the moment. In many ways, I want the pain to go away. The pain killers aren't helping. And whenever my family visits, I am just so tired to put on that smile. I really wish I could let them know it has been so long and I am really tired for holding on. I know that is not an option at all. But I just need to vent in a way.

Getting ready for the next dosage of chemo, I really am hoping for just a few days without any physical pain. I really miss Mr D really a lot. But he is now having so much on is plate. I saw that he tweeted he is gonna go clubbing last night. But I know he needed to balance himself outta all the stress he is having. Imma lying if I didn't say I am dead worried about him. He is also on meds and I couldn't help stop worrying about anything that might happen. But all is well, turn out well for him I suppose. But seeing him in this state, I just couldn't do anything to put on more on his shoulder.

Talking to Andrew? I don't even know where to start. Sigh. I really wanna say stop to all the slump Imma going through this much! But I am giving in to the physical pain. I really got no idea what else I could do. The only good thing is I finished up 12 songs. Sigh.. It couldn't be easier. But how would I do that? I can't give in just like that. Imma tired, but this isn't gonna be fair to my family. I am somewhat just lost in the mist of my own.